Is my toddler normal or do we have an issue?

[KohLanta]

Sorry this is long but feeling a bit rubbish and confused today and looking for a bit of solidarity or tips from anyone who's been there with raising a toddler who's behaviour is very very lively!

My son is 22 months old and I'll start by saying he's wonderful and I love him with all my heart. My first child, and I have zero experience with young children / early years so no I can't make any comparisons other than other little children I see at toddler groups and nursery. But I'm struggling with him. He is generally of a very happy disposition. He really is the epitome of living for the moment, I guess as all toddlers are! He says "hello how are you" and waves at everyone he meets, gives children at soft play a cuddle, and runs up to big children in the park to play with them. It's lovely to see how confident he is (he was a lockdown baby).

However, the flip side is that he is absolutely determined to do what he wants to do nomatter what, so any time I have to interrupt his play to change a nappy, put shoes on, get in pushchair etc he goes crazy with frustration and melts down bless him. At soft play and toddler groups he is always the one running around exploring everything and never stays still. In a room he will want to touch and grab literally everything, including stuff that's not for him. Literally he is the one everyone else is looking at. I don't mind this as I know he's curious but it is exhausting and obviously some things are dangerous, but he instantly gets massively frustrated as soon as there is any intervention to stop him doing something eg touching a plug or taking another mum's handbag.

He's a big boy and has recently started pushing me away, screaming and really fighting me at these moments.

Like I said, he's not a grumpy boy generally and he loves to play with me, so I normally try my best to turn everything into a game, tickle him, distract him with objects etc etc but this has totally stopped working. I try to let him explore and follow his flow as much as possible but when I am starting to dread moments when I need to get him out of the house or to change a nappy etc.

At his toddler football the other parents all know his name as he's always the one running off, trying to join in the class next to us, running off with the cones, running miles off across the field etc. I love his spirit but it's exhausting. The other children (same age) all stay on their spots and try scoring goals or following the game but he makes his own entertainment. Last week the teacher said "Jimmy you've got a real reputation here" which was said in jest but it made me feel anxious in case he is actually going to become a "naughty" child at school etc.

Part of this is my lack of experience of young children. (I teach 6th formers). My parents were also really old school and believed children should be seen and not heard. I hated their approach but I know I've internalised something of their disapproval. However I parent him really differently. When he has a tantrum I remain calm and validate his feelings, try to name them and gently stroke him. He usually snaps out of it quickly after a few seconds and I'll cuddle him and talk about his feelings and how to manage them. I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life. However, on the flip side, am I being strict enough? At what age does discipline kick in? I don't think he knows he's doing anything he shouldn't but am I wrong?

Has anyone here ever been the parent of the child who behaves in the most energetic / lively / boisterous way?

I know I shouldn't compare with other children but it's hard seeing him stand out always and occasionally having other parents stare. The more important concern is that this is an actual behaviour issue rather than normal toddler behaviour.

Can anyone enlighten me?

@user1471538283 yes it's definitely the lack of agency. He thinks he's ready to adult it!

@KohLanta My 'Wow' was to show my amazement. I know that when my toddlers were having a (rare) tantrum, speaking quietly trying to validate their emotions would have been drowned out by their yelling. Respect to anyone who manages it. And yes, children are not lesser people. The younger they are the more vulnerable and need kindness and love. However, their behaviour is not always worthy of respect. They need to be taught how to behave because it doesn't usually come naturally.

I have one of these (a bit older than yours though) Very active. Very cheeky. Life and soul of the party. She was singing “Let is go” loudly on the train the other day 🙈 Also very headstrong.

I think she most likely has a touch of ADHD.

I have a wild DD age 2, and I can assure you most of us don't stick at those activities requiring compliance. My DS was similar at 2 and we stuck with football for a term then gave up. I find that trying to tame them the most exhausting.

I'm just deciding whether to renew an activity where DD is a total pain running about. The only reasons is there is another wild one there and I feel some solidarity. I prefer toddler groups.

From my experience with Ds he has taken longer to get things like organized sport, but not struggled with school, not behind, just standard.

Ps I cannot believe you have never had to shout. My Dd will try to grab stuff, jump off things and run in the road and a shout of stop / no gives me time to get to her and reins are also good at desperate times.

Totally normal! Just relish in it as much as you possibly can.

My dd was a perfect toddler

Followed instructions, sat quietly at story time, behaved impeccably in the supermarket

Absolutely bloody awful teenager though!

He sounds like my youngest who was a ball of pure frustration, chaos and calamity at that age. I was constantly in a state of hypervigilance, afraid to take my eyes off him for even a second and public outings were the stuff of nightmares. I get it. I think the stress of that stage brought on my rapidly greying hair as I never had any before. Normal variation on the toddler though in my opinion.

I appreciate you want him to feel heard and validated so that he develops healthy emotional regulation as he grows. I try to practice this with all of mine also where possible. However I also think he is too young to appreciate or even understand much of this approach right now. He sounds like he needs simple but firm boundaries and consequences as others have mentioned. Ie taken home calmly if the disruptive behaviour persists. Only ever give warnings you can definitely follow through on and never back down. And if there's a chance you might give into his demands give in immediately, not after he protests 25 times. Otherwise They. Rule. You.

Mine has now mellowed a bit but remains stubborn and strong-willed to an extent. I have (probably through desperation) cultivated an equally strong-willed stoicism and I can hold out just slightly longer than he can and he knows this as well as I do. He has settled into the boundaries set and thrives within them, he knows I don't back down or take any shit. There is plenty of validation, affection and love, but I don't validate his bad behaviour or let it slide. I do also sometimes shout or deliver age appropriate bollockings as a previous poster describes them as. They are part of my parenting arsenal so to speak.

I feel maybe you are wedded to your approach as you want to swing as far away from the way you were parented as possible. It is understandable but I think worth considering whether it actually is the best approach for your son as an individual, at this early stage and for making both of your lives as enjoyable, stress-free, and safe as possible. Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had is a lesson my youngest has taught me.

And also don't make your life a misery with the farce of toddler football, it's not necessary, he won't remember or appreciate it and you will defintely not enjoy it.

One more thing to add, don't forget that his age he can't understand shades of grey. Your boundaries have to be simple. He won't understand that sometimes it's ok to run up and take other toys because they are older and give permission, and sometimes it isn't because they would mind. At that age, it has to be black and white - we don't take others' toys.

I don't try to always remain calm with the children. I try very hard to never punish them in anger but I think showing them how an adult manages something that makes them angry is important. I try to model how I'd want them to handle those emotions, so explain to them what has made me upset, and apologize if necessary. If I got it wrong I also try and model making it right again.

OP I could have written this! My son was always the one running around and trying to get out of the door at singing. He was also obsessed with mops and bins and was always hunting them out at classes / playgroups! We ditched toddler football as he was just like your DS and DH and I started arguing about who took him each week! We spoke to his nursery / childminder a few times and they had no concerns.
He's now at school in reception and at his first parents evening I wanted to ask them if they had the right child! They said he's a real rule keeper and really tries and is a delight. I do think he keeps it all together at school and sometimes he then lets it all out with us but he's so much better and easier to manage now. He's also a summer baby so is doing really well. I was worried as when we went to visit the school once he had a place he tried to break into the nursery playground as he wanted the diggers and then got up and ran away halfway through story time and said it's boring and me and the TA had to chase him round the playground! He also now plays so nicely on his own for ages. We've only just had another baby and he's so sweet and helpful with him. Just hoping this one is slightly less full on!

Thanks @EncroachingLoaf your post was very insightful, ...and I feel you 'get it!' Can I ask how old your DC is now?

@Seahawk80 oh wow, that's also a really interesting post, thank you. Haha I forgot to add that my son is obsessed with rubbish bins too! oh I do hope he turns out like your son did! We are planning on a 2nd child as I'm a bit older so need to crack on, and I'm dreading having two small ones.

@KohLanta I promise the day will come when seeing a mop / bin in the corner somewhere won't fill you with terror! I even have a photo somewhere of DS posing with a bin 🤣. We still have some hard days but it does get better. I'm older too - just had my second baby a week after turning 41....wasn't what we planned but worked out well in the end.
PS your username is one of my favourite places ever 😍

Oh and one thing we did that helped was swap football for swimming - it just seemed easier to "control" him and felt like less of a waste of time / money on a bad day plus tired him out more!

It sounds like you need more firm boundaries. Yes, you can validate feelings but also make it clear what is and isn't acceptable - and at this age it has to be very black and white!

So, immediately remove from situation/grab hand that's hitting/take toy off them, say 'I can see you're upset about x but you can't hit/take toy/pull hair' etc. So in the instance in the park with taking other kids toys. Immediately grab and remove toy, say you can't have it it isn't yours and if it happens again he has to go in pushchair, hold your hand, on reins or go home (whatever works for you). Then if he does it again, follow thru.

My littlest is only just 4 now @KohLanta so still some hellraising is done from time to time 🥴 He has got a lot better though since his communication and understanding has developed. You are in the thick of it and it's tough but it will get easier, good luck 🙏

It must be worse when it’s your first. DS was at least my second and I managed the smug moments with DD and the knowledge it wasn’t my parenting but personality

Hate to say it but we are away and DS did put the bin on his head in our cabin (at 9)

@Seahawk80 DH did the same thing DS was called very mature and a delight and positive influence in the class and DH went do you have the same child. But in school he is

@EncroachingLoaf I agree I don’t often battle with him but when I do there is only one winner and he knows it. We have learnt also to compromise. He currently wants to be Prime Minister so that will come in handy

Hi any updates ? ☺️

How’s your son now ? ☺️