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Original poster

Etiquette over PIL visit?

80 replies

MewYorker · 05/04/2022 17:31

We have recently moved to a new area and MIL and FIL have asked to come and visit us for a day over Easter so they can see our new home. They will bring with them either 2 or 3 of their adult DC who still live at home. DH isn't particularly close to his family and sees them 2-3 times a year, although less with Covid - just for context.

They will be coming an hour and a half to visit us and I have suggested we go out for Sunday lunch. The plan would be to spend an hour or so seeing our new place, having coffee / drinks etc and then walk to the local. After that we would walk around the new village and then back to ours for cup of tea etc. we have a 3yo who would go stir crazy being at home all day and who loves getting out and about so this suggestion would be easier for us than me cooking. They seem happy with the idea, and we went to the local pub for lunch when we last visited them.

In this scenario should DH and I pay the whole bill at the pub or is it okay to split it?

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 05/04/2022 17:34

Your idea, you need to be prepared to pay! They may offer of course…..

popandchoc · 05/04/2022 17:36

As you suggested going for the pub lunch you should offer to pay unless they offer to contribute .

theemmadilemma · 05/04/2022 17:42

I'd expect to pay for my family in this scenario.

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Concestor · 05/04/2022 17:43

In our family we would expect to split it. It would be so much money to pay for everyone!

discodannie · 05/04/2022 17:43

My pil or parents would pay. As you suggested it, it should be you that offers to pay.

marjayy · 05/04/2022 17:46

You should offer to pay if you've suggested a pub lunch.

But if they offer/insist let them pay!

Blossomtoes · 05/04/2022 17:46

I’d expect to pay, just the same as if I was cooking for them. In this scenario, we’d be the ILs and would insist on paying after you’d offered.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/04/2022 17:48

I would be having that conversation now. Ask them, or get DH to-how they feel about going to the local pub for dinner. Say it’s quite reasonable and be specific-say most mains are about £10 a head.

In my family, we’d split as my house is the only one big enough to host everyone comfortably so it would always be me cooking or me paying which isn’t fair!

How old are the adult siblings? 18-21 and students or 25 and accounts!?

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2022 17:50

What happened when you went to the pub for lunch last time you visited them?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/04/2022 17:50

In our family it would be the parents / PIL to pay just because the dynamic is like that. In other families the ‘host’ or person that suggested it will pay. In others it will be split. There is no right or wrong way to do this, you just have to make sure every one is clear on who pays if the bill is to be split.

Tainging99 · 05/04/2022 17:51

It’s ok to split so long as they are genuinely ok about having to eat out. My bil always dictates we eat out and doesn’t understand the expense for us as a whole family

toastofthetown · 05/04/2022 17:52

It depends entirely on the dynamics of your family. In my family we split the bill between couples since everyone is now working and I would expect that for this meal. I'd discuss it in advance though, so everyone knows what to expect. And based on previous MN threads, it might be worth discussing if the bill is to be divided equally between the parties or if everyone will pay for what they had.

Newgirls · 05/04/2022 17:52

This is why I would do a lunch at home else it will get very expensive. Can’t yo ur husband organise a simple lunch for them?

NeedleNoodle3 · 05/04/2022 17:56

I think you and your DH should offer to pay as you aren’t cooking for them. If they insist on paying, or the adult DC offer to pay their share their offer.
I do think it’s a bit funny them visiting and then going out to eat, I’d probably do the walk and prepare a simple and tasty lunch to have at home.

maddy68 · 05/04/2022 17:57

I would either pay or split the bill equally

Frlrlrubert · 05/04/2022 18:00

I'd be prepared to pay, just in case.

With adult children in the mix usually the dynamic would be to split the bill in most families I think. My dad would always insist on paying though.

ParkheadParadise · 05/04/2022 18:00

We would pay.
Although knowing my inlaws they would probably pay before we asked for the bill.

SpringRainbow · 05/04/2022 18:00

In my family we would fully expect to split the bill, however in my DH family his parents would strongly insist on paying and take offence if anyone else offers to pay.

Different families are different.

Silverclocks · 05/04/2022 18:04

Who paid when you visited them?

I'd go expecting to pay, but let them split it, or pay, if they offer.

FWIW for years my Dad insisted on paying when with us because we always offered, but he felt DSi s and BIL were wrong not to offer, so he didn't either.

WoolyMammoth55 · 05/04/2022 18:04

OP, I think it matters who paid at the pub when you visited them. Follow the same rules - but if it's splitting then I'd usually send a link to a menu beforehand so that they can get an idea of the prices.

Silverclocks · 05/04/2022 18:05

That said for a one day visit, I'd leave something in the slow cooker and feed them at home.

CurbsideProphet · 05/04/2022 18:05

My dad always wants to pay if we go out with them. All families are different so it depends on whether your DH's parents and siblings would immediately get their wallets out, or if they would sit there and wait for someone else to pay.

Tainging99 · 05/04/2022 18:07

I think how much disposable income they have is important- they may feel they have to pay. I would feel I had to pay as the parent. Sounds like that would be for 6 adults and one child? That’s a lot of money plus travelling for a day?

Solosunrise · 05/04/2022 18:08

They've invited themselves! Just because OP doesn't want to cook for people she hasn't actually invited, doesn't me she gets to pay for everyone.
Get DH to talk to them Flowers

AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 18:10

I would sort out the paying situation beforehand. If Dh and I go out with my family members or with his we either split the bill equally or people pay for what they have had if some have had several expensive drinks and others haven't. Nobody expects one couple to pay for the whole thing.