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Original poster

Etiquette over PIL visit?

80 replies

MewYorker · 05/04/2022 17:31

We have recently moved to a new area and MIL and FIL have asked to come and visit us for a day over Easter so they can see our new home. They will bring with them either 2 or 3 of their adult DC who still live at home. DH isn't particularly close to his family and sees them 2-3 times a year, although less with Covid - just for context.

They will be coming an hour and a half to visit us and I have suggested we go out for Sunday lunch. The plan would be to spend an hour or so seeing our new place, having coffee / drinks etc and then walk to the local. After that we would walk around the new village and then back to ours for cup of tea etc. we have a 3yo who would go stir crazy being at home all day and who loves getting out and about so this suggestion would be easier for us than me cooking. They seem happy with the idea, and we went to the local pub for lunch when we last visited them.

In this scenario should DH and I pay the whole bill at the pub or is it okay to split it?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 11:17

We would pay if it was at our suggestion.

Original poster
MewYorker · 06/04/2022 11:17

To those saying why not just make a meal at home, I've already said I'm not doing that. We've got a wired toddler and not enough space for everyone to be cooped up all day, and not even enough chairs tbh. Plus ILs don't know the area, which is lovely so it makes sense to get out and about.

OP posts:
NeedleNoodle3 · 06/04/2022 11:21

How was the bill split when you visited them?

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OchonAgusOchonOh · 06/04/2022 11:26

Given they are not particularly close to your dh, and there are extra adult siblings coming, I would say split it but do let them know in advance. The previous post that included the cost per head in the message to them is is good idea.

In my family, my parents would insist on paying. We would have a bit of an argument over it and might end up splitting it in the end.

In contrast, mil has not yet worked out how to unlock her purse. She never pays, even if she invites you to meet her for lunch/coffee. Fil is just as bad but at least he doesn't invite anyone.

MsTSwift · 06/04/2022 11:29

Nice PIL would treat you! But I think it’s fine to invite them all pay for yourselves

ChairCareOh · 06/04/2022 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 11:47

It was your idea for you and your guests to go out to eat, that means you pay. If you can't afford it, cook for them at home.

Soul11Soul · 06/04/2022 11:50

If you are hosting you should offer to pay. If you can't afford to pay for a lunch out you should host at home. A buffet style lunch with salads, cold meats and nice bread and cheese shouldn't come anywhere close to a restaurant bill for 6/7 adults.

caringcarer · 06/04/2022 11:59

Who paid when you visited them and had a pub lunch? If pil paid then you offered this option so you should be paying now. If you split bill when you visited pil for lunch out then I guess sit bill again. It would be much cheaper to cook a meal for them at your home if money is tight.

caringcarer · 06/04/2022 12:00

Yes good point about they have spent fuel cost coming to see you.

SerendipitySunshine · 06/04/2022 12:20

I'd leave them, your husband and child to go to for a walk and a drink while you stay behind and make everyone lunch. It doesn't need to be anything fancy, but I'd always feed people who had travelled to see us.

ChairCareOh · 06/04/2022 12:37

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toomuchlaundry · 06/04/2022 12:40

@Kitkat151 there are families who would hate an interfering grandparent seeing them weekly, different families have different lives

If my parents were coming to visit us in a new home and bringing additional people with them, they would probably have offered the let's go out for lunch solution, especially if they knew we didn't really have the space to host so many people

M0RVEN · 06/04/2022 12:41

@SerendipitySunshine

I'd leave them, your husband and child to go to for a walk and a drink while you stay behind and make everyone lunch. It doesn't need to be anything fancy, but I'd always feed people who had travelled to see us.
Yeah you be Cinderella. Stay home clean the house and cook while they relax. It’s a woman’s place Hmm.
SpiderVersed · 06/04/2022 12:49

@SerendipitySunshine

I'd leave them, your husband and child to go to for a walk and a drink while you stay behind and make everyone lunch. It doesn't need to be anything fancy, but I'd always feed people who had travelled to see us.
She hasn't moved to the 1950s
Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2022 12:54

@SerendipitySunshine

I'd leave them, your husband and child to go to for a walk and a drink while you stay behind and make everyone lunch. It doesn't need to be anything fancy, but I'd always feed people who had travelled to see us.
Bloody hell!
jytdtysrht · 06/04/2022 13:20

Difficult really. You suggested the meal out so in a way you could be expected to pay.

But what the fuck is wrong with 4-5 extra adults who would sit there and have their meal paid for them?

Skelligsfeathers · 06/04/2022 13:21

The 'additional people ' are the dh's siblings!
Not some random people you have scooped up off the street!

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2022 13:33

@ChairCareOh

I’m amazed how many think you have to pay the entire bill! Going to a pub or restaurant is always one persons idea. Should it always be that person who has to pay? If I suggest to my friend that we go out for a drink later, should I pay for the drinks?

This is madness. They’re adults, they should pay for themselves.

They are not friends going out for a drink, they are guests.

I wouldn't expect any guest or visitor to pay for their own lunch when I'd suggested it as an alternative to eating with us at home.

toomuchlaundry · 06/04/2022 13:38

When we used to visit my elderly parents, we would go out for a meal as easier than my parents cooking a meal and lack of space in their home. We would go to them as was getting harder for them to travel.

We have much higher income than them, we did not expect them to pay just because we were technically guests.

Surely it depends on everyone’s circumstances. I would assume adult siblings would pay for themselves

that1970shouse · 06/04/2022 13:47

If you can afford to pay then that would be nice, although maybe you could pay for the food and let them buy drinks. If money is an issue then have the conversation beforehand. Maybe say you can't afford to pay for all of them so can just the PIL come without bringing DH's siblings, or you will have to split the bill.

You haven't answered PP's question on what happened when you went out for a meal at theirs.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2022 13:53

Have you answered how old the siblings are and if they work?

SerendipitySunshine · 06/04/2022 14:07

Yes, we swap round when it's my family. My husband and I both love to cook - we don't see it as women's work.

Crunchymum · 06/04/2022 14:10

In this scenario should DH and I pay the whole bill at the pub or is it okay to split it?

You and DH pay.

Holly60 · 06/04/2022 14:16

In my family we wouldn’t expect my AC to pay, and nor would their in-laws.

I think it’s fair to ask them to pay for themselves, especially as there are 4 adults in their party and only 2 in yours.

It does sound like an odd dynamic though, with your DH ‘not being close’ to his DP, but also happy to spend a nice day out with them.

I know there are reasons why an AC might not be close to their DPs but all of those scenarios would also likely rule out having a nice pub lunch together too…