Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Etiquette over PIL visit?

80 replies

MewYorker · 05/04/2022 17:31

We have recently moved to a new area and MIL and FIL have asked to come and visit us for a day over Easter so they can see our new home. They will bring with them either 2 or 3 of their adult DC who still live at home. DH isn't particularly close to his family and sees them 2-3 times a year, although less with Covid - just for context.

They will be coming an hour and a half to visit us and I have suggested we go out for Sunday lunch. The plan would be to spend an hour or so seeing our new place, having coffee / drinks etc and then walk to the local. After that we would walk around the new village and then back to ours for cup of tea etc. we have a 3yo who would go stir crazy being at home all day and who loves getting out and about so this suggestion would be easier for us than me cooking. They seem happy with the idea, and we went to the local pub for lunch when we last visited them.

In this scenario should DH and I pay the whole bill at the pub or is it okay to split it?

OP posts:
IntergalacticP · 05/04/2022 18:14

You could maybe just float it as "we were thinking a pub lunch would be nice, it would be approx £x a head- sound ok?"

That keeps is casual and implies you're expecting to split the bill

Solosunrise · 05/04/2022 18:16

@IntergalacticP

You could maybe just float it as "we were thinking a pub lunch would be nice, it would be approx £x a head- sound ok?"

That keeps is casual and implies you're expecting to split the bill

Yes, that's good. Better than my bad tempered previous post.
JenniferBarkley · 05/04/2022 18:19

We'd fight over it with both sides, the parents would probably win but we broadly take turns.

In this case since they're making the effort of traveling specifically to see your new home, and you suggested eating out, I think you need to at least sincerely offer to pay.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General relationships
JenniferBarkley · 05/04/2022 18:21

@Solosunrise

They've invited themselves! Just because OP doesn't want to cook for people she hasn't actually invited, doesn't me she gets to pay for everyone. Get DH to talk to them Flowers
Saying they've invited themselves is a really uncharitable spin on them travelling to see their son's new home. So many threads on here about parents and PIL not taking an interest and then when they do they're inviting themselves.
DappledThings · 05/04/2022 18:23

There's no etiquette or rule, it totally depends on your families. With my parents we would either split or they would pay depending on what else had been paid for in the same visit. PIL would expect to pay.

worriedatthistime · 05/04/2022 18:28

I would prob pay in this scenario as you could of cooked a dinner but as you said same happened when you visited them , who paid then ?

TabithaTittlemouse · 05/04/2022 18:34

Who paid when you went out for lunch when you visited them?
In my family we would all pay separately (each household).

Solosunrise · 05/04/2022 18:42

I know @jenniferBarclay and you're right. It was a bad tempered response, due to my own triggers, and mostly aimed at posters who think that as OP suggested a pub meal, she and her husband should pay for it.

BOOTS52 · 05/04/2022 18:47

I think that everyone should just pay for themselves and not fair to expect her and her husband to pay unless they can really afford it and not struggling like a lot of us are. After all they did invite themselves to visit. I would get husband to talk to them and say pub lunch but we all chip in. As I said unless they have lots of money and don't mind paying as I would pay for all if could afford it but unfortunately could not afford at the moment. Pub lunch is easier and less hassle and nicer to get out to eat and not stuck in the house all day just because they are calling. Sounds like a lovely day.

Nsky · 05/04/2022 18:53

Organise à pasta bake ( or two) or slowcooker dish make it easy.
Go for a nice walk

MrsPsmalls · 05/04/2022 18:53

We would offer to pay and try to insist, but they would override us and we would secretly be very grateful

Laiste · 05/04/2022 18:57

@MrsPsmalls

We would offer to pay and try to insist, but they would override us and we would secretly be very grateful
Yep, this.

''Oh god NOOOOO FIL !! Put it away will you, we can't let you pay!''

Please DO pay, for the love of god, we're skint ! Grin

Tainging99 · 05/04/2022 19:01

If you’re skint don’t suggest a meal out!

Mrsmch123 · 05/04/2022 19:19

You suggested it so I think you should pay. My mil would insist on paying tho but I would be prepared to pay. Surely you can wack a couple of sandwiches on a platter if your skint.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 05/04/2022 19:35

We would split it

JenniferBarkley · 05/04/2022 20:14

@Solosunrise

I know *@jenniferBarclay* and you're right. It was a bad tempered response, due to my own triggers, and mostly aimed at posters who think that as OP suggested a pub meal, she and her husband should pay for it.
What a remarkably mature response, are you sure you're on the right forum? Grin
Kitkat151 · 05/04/2022 20:33

How sad that your PIL only see their little GC 2 times a year😢
I see my GDs more times In a week ( both my DDs and my DSs)

newbiename · 05/04/2022 20:57

We'd definitely split it in my family

SierpinskiSquare · 05/04/2022 20:58

Whatever you do wouldn't it be better to let them know the plan. If you are going to pay then tell them it's your treat and if you want them to pay their share then tell them beforehand. It would be really rude not to and gives them a chance to ask to go somewhere else.
Some pubs can be really expensive.

Clarity and straightforwardness makes life so much easier.

Solosunrise · 05/04/2022 21:25

That made me laugh @JenniferBarkley 😂 I am very mature generally, but my inner brat makes the odd appearance. I do try to contain her!

Original poster
MewYorker · 06/04/2022 11:04

@Kitkat151

How sad that your PIL only see their little GC 2 times a year😢 I see my GDs more times In a week ( both my DDs and my DSs)
@Kitkat151 that's nice for you. Before you offer the veiled dig at my husband and I for treating poor PIL badly, please bear in mind that when a son isn't close to his parents there is usually a lifetime of context that you're not aware of.
OP posts:
MsTSwift · 06/04/2022 11:06

We did this exact scenario recently with BIL we all just paid for our own families

MsTSwift · 06/04/2022 11:08

Personally I would do an easy lunch big lasagne in advance or something.

ChairCareOh · 06/04/2022 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

HolsOnML · 06/04/2022 11:15

@Kitkat151

How sad that your PIL only see their little GC 2 times a year😢 I see my GDs more times In a week ( both my DDs and my DSs)
Maybe the OP's in laws need to make more of an effort to see their DGC then? Imagine it not only being OP and her DH's responsibility...

@MewYorker in your position we'd offer to pay as it was us that suggested the pub lunch. However if they suggest you split it then I'd go along with that, as I'm guessing relations aren't too close between you all and so sometimes it's easier just to keep it 'fair' by everyone paying for themselves, if that makes sense?