Reasonable age to leave a child home alone

[CorsicaDreaming]

What age do you think it is reasonable to leave a child home alone (from 5 mins pop to the corner shop, to an hour in the daytime, if you want to go out for a quick walk and they don't, to full evenings?)

I'm just interested in what other people's experiences are and what they feel would be reasonable, as the law is surprisingly vague on it. Appreciate there are quite a lot of factors involved, like whether you live near people you know well, or in a remote place, and how sensible your child is, but it would be just interesting to hear people's views - including those nuances - on the question.

Thanks – just wondering when other people started doing this, and how they approached it.

This was what I was going to say - surely it is a) totally impractical for most 11 year olds not to be regularly home alone after school and b) the lack of childcare provision for that age group suggests that most parents are fine with it, hence no demand
Yes, 11 for two hours after school and odd inset days and days in the holidays (unless a parent works term time only or other family support). Then work backwards from that, so starting from 8 to 10 depending on the child and needs of the family.

Mine were about 11 (two of them) but it wasn't for long, and now and then.
They're nearly 16 now.
We found independence came regardless of whether they would have been left at 9 or 11. They get there in the end.

I was coming home to an empty house, DS cooking dinner, and waiting for parents at 7ish. It’s really not okay. I thought it was a feature of lax 90s parenting, and I’m shocked so many people are still saying 10yo is fine!

People are only considering a child’s ability to ‘deal with emergencies’, but that isn’t the only function of a parent.

If a child at age 10 gets up, walks to school alone, comes home to an empty house, cooks dinner for themselves, sees parents for an hour, and goes to bed - they are not receiving loving and supportive parenting, right at the age when they need it most. My parents thought as long as we were physically safe and fed, all the boxes were ticked. It doesn’t work like that.

You wouldn’t give a young dog one hour of attention a day and expect it to grow into a well-rounded pet.

@DogsAndGin

I was coming home to an empty house, DS cooking dinner, and waiting for parents at 7ish. It’s really not okay. I thought it was a feature of lax 90s parenting, and I’m shocked so many people are still saying 10yo is fine!

People are only considering a child’s ability to ‘deal with emergencies’, but that isn’t the only function of a parent.

If a child at age 10 gets up, walks to school alone, comes home to an empty house, cooks dinner for themselves, sees parents for an hour, and goes to bed - they are not receiving loving and supportive parenting, right at the age when they need it most. My parents thought as long as we were physically safe and fed, all the boxes were ticked. It doesn’t work like that.

You wouldn’t give a young dog one hour of attention a day and expect it to grow into a well-rounded pet.

Where did the 1 hour thing come from? If parents are home for 6, they likely get 3 hours an evening with their parents. I did that from 11 and I begged my parents to let me, it was lovely having an hour on my own

@DogsAndGin

I was coming home to an empty house, DS cooking dinner, and waiting for parents at 7ish. It’s really not okay. I thought it was a feature of lax 90s parenting, and I’m shocked so many people are still saying 10yo is fine!

People are only considering a child’s ability to ‘deal with emergencies’, but that isn’t the only function of a parent.

If a child at age 10 gets up, walks to school alone, comes home to an empty house, cooks dinner for themselves, sees parents for an hour, and goes to bed - they are not receiving loving and supportive parenting, right at the age when they need it most. My parents thought as long as we were physically safe and fed, all the boxes were ticked. It doesn’t work like that.

You wouldn’t give a young dog one hour of attention a day and expect it to grow into a well-rounded pet.

I'm out of the house from 8 to 5:30, so more like an hour in the morning then three or four hours on weekdays then all weekend. If he had been sitting in a corner reading at wrap around care he would have had the exact same amount of 'loving and supportive parenting' as at home.

@Classicblunder because I said my parents came home at 7ish. I was in bed at 8. So just an hour or so of having parents. And in that hour, the parents would do chores, or talk on the phone to family members etc - no quality time for us kids, no communication, no instilling of family values etc.

I had something really terrible happen to me as a child, I had no one to talk to as there was no one at home. When they did get home, I hadn’t been taught how to communicate, or that anyone particularly wanted me to communicate. So, I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to listen in that hour of their time, as they were too busy and I didn’t want to be a pest. They never noticed that I was utterly traumatised - because they never physically saw me come home from school upset, and they never stopped to just talk.

To this day, I am unable to talk about it and as a result, I haven’t confronted the trauma. My parents have absolutely no idea what I have gone through in my life and they assume, wrongly, that I have sailed through life, because I am an expert at masking and just ‘getting on’.

If a child at age 10 gets up, walks to school alone, comes home to an empty house, cooks dinner for themselves, sees parents for an hour, and goes to bed - they are not receiving loving and supportive parenting, right at the age when they need it most. My parents thought as long as we were physically safe and fed, all the boxes were ticked. It doesn’t work like that

What do you expect people to do. Gone are the days where one wage can support a household. We now have 2 parent's working full time often unable to make ends meet..we don't value parenting in this country. Anyone taking hand outs is immediately scum. If you are a SAHM you are a lazy grifter living off your husband.

If you cant afford food you cant afford a child minder.

Do you think people want their kids to he iole alone for hours at a time? Do you think they'd not rather be sat at a table playing scrabble all evening all together in matching pyjamas and a family dog curled up at their feet?

The UC credit site will tell you that with kids aged 10/11 you are expected to work 24 hours a week or spend 25 hours a week looking for work its impossible as a single parent to achieve that amd not leave a child home alone at some point.

@Whatwouldscullydo

You’re right - we don’t value parenting in this country.

I’m not intending to criticise hard working parents, I’m just explaining my own experience of coming into harm as a result of being left alone at a ‘safe age’.

At 12 I left my DS so I could pop for groceries but it was unnerving. Then from 13 he and a friend would stay at home for a few hours. From 14 he could stay at home whilst I went to work. I found it so hard.

I was letting myself in to an empty house from 8 despite my DM using me as an excuse not to work.

Children that are left at home for extensive period suffer from loneliness and isolation.

@DogsAndGin

I think that is a bit extreme.

DD is at home for around two hours, she makes herself a snack.

I cook a full family dinner, we all eat together and we concentrate on her.

Unless there is an emergency she has two parents spending 2-3 hours with her each night (she has activities some evenings).

She knows she can call us any time, DH’s meetings are in a family calendar she can access but I am contact no1 anyway.

On my non-working day I am lucky if I talk to her more than “you ok and do you need anything?” until dinner time as she is in her room doing exactly the same as all other afternoons.

It also highlights that the school system is unfit for purpose. We need a school day that is longer, and shorter holidays to help parents keep their child safe. After school clubs are not usually available in the pre teen age bracket, but I have found teens need more guidance and oversight not less.

My daughter is ten and I leave her for two hours whilst I’m working locally. When I work a five minute drive away she might be alone for an hour before her dad comes home.

@Swayingpalmtrees

It also highlights that the school system is unfit for purpose. We need a school day that is longer, and shorter holidays to help parents keep their child safe. After school clubs are not usually available in the pre teen age bracket, but I have found teens need more guidance and oversight not less.

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. The school is not there to keep my child safe, it's there to educate it and 6 hours in primary is plenty. Most children are shattered.

I do agree teens need guidance but not necessarily oversight. They need to learn independence, not having a parent (mostly mums) hovering around them. Being alone and able to feel "I can do this" is important. It is also important for the parent to recognise this learning curve and step aside.

I am available for DD when she is home, not necessarily in person but she knows she can call at any time.

Most schools do have some kind of library hours or sport/music club even if that's not a guaranteed provision. That often reduces the alone time by an hour. We had a secondary school offereing 8-6 cover but apart from Y7/8 children or the ones who preferred the school library for homework due to the situation at home with lack of IT equipment or no quite space, hardly anyone used it.

If you had actually read my post, I said after school provision is already in place for primary aged children. It is the 11-13 year old age bracket that is not covered sufficiently!

Private schools offer 8-5.30pm school day to everyone, so it is perfectly doable if the government had the will. It would also benefit the children, as the 3.30-5.30 was available to children to choose their own activities - therefore broadening their hobbies/sports and musical abilities and taking the pressure off parents.

You scoff so freely, which is not an attractive quality in your posts reluctantbrit . 11 -13 years olds in my view are too young to be left for hours and hours alone in mid winter. The education system needs to be overhauled to meet the needs of parents and children now, we are currently using a Victorian model.

Hours. and hours? DD is at home for 2 hours if at all. That means, she comes home, eats a bit, relaxes and does homework.

Hardly a total abandon of a pre-teen or a teen now.

I do agree that school needs to change. but I fear my wishes are very different. I want less stress, mor time to relax instead of pushing and that means at home, not in a school. I. don't need the school to check if the parent's needs are met, their job is to educate a child.

Most secondaries do offer after school clubs already (often on free and voluntary basis, meaning they can be cancelled though). I honestly don't know where you think the money could be found to ensure these hours and clubs can be offered as a permanent fixture and with the current government I doubt that schools are high on their agenda.

I have friends with primary children in private school and yes, one reason for choosing them was the long days as it meant no additional childcare. We have a secondary school around who offers longer hours but they are voluntarily and the uptake is not great as I said before.

What I would love - and prepare to pay for - are more holiday activities for teens apart from sport camps. We are lucky to afford sending DD with her Explorer group or with a friend to PGL but day camp/sessions would be better as the holidays are the issue for younger teens, not the hours after school.

Depends on the child. My eldest would have been fine for up to an hour aged five, and we had reliable elderly neighbours always at home she was confident to approach. But I didn't actually leave her until she was eight because I know most people in our society don't share my views and I was afraid someone would report to social care. Eight seems to be a key age in many policies, so I figured there wouldn't be any comeback from that. When I did start leaving her, I left her for long periods whenever she didn't want to come along, often 3-4 hours if I was taking her little sister somewhere. Never did it in the evening, simply because it never arose. She also took the bus to wherever she wanted to go in our medium-sized city in the daytime. She was babysitting for other families including evenings from the age of 12 - I'd always drive her if it was after dark.

My other child is a very different person, being quite gullible and vulnerable. I started leaving her home alone for VERY brief periods (5-10 min) when she was about 13, now sometimes up to an hour at 15 but I'm not completely comfortable with that - last time I returned to find her engaged in a long conversation on the doorstep with a delivery driver who was trying to insist she had ordered food when she hadn't! Still not confident enough to say no and shut the door. She does go out on her own, up to a mile or so, if she is meeting a friend or to a specific place such as the local shop.

So you can see that I don't think ages are relevant. It's all about the maturity of the particular child and the situation they are in, and this is what the law says.

Well I will get flamed I'm sure, but my eldest is 12.5 and is home alone during the working day for a couple of days during this school holiday.

Youngest will got to childminder on those days. I don't think it is fair to ask eldest to look after younger sibling just yet.

Before now he's been left for a few hours at most, never at night though, only in the day.

DH and I were discussing this yesterday actually, until he's 14 I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him at night.

I'm quite concerned about a friend who leaves her 8 year old twins alone for up to 2 hrs. They are able to call her on the phone but I still don't feel good about it. I mention it a lot, offer to have them etc and I do often. But when I say, you shouldn't leave them. Bring them to me. Her response is always 'they are fine'. Can someone advise me on what do to?

I think you've done just about all you can. It's her call.

The only additional thing I might do in your shoes is to suggest she can give the children your number too in case they have an emergency and can't reach her. That would be reassuring for them.

I would report to ss. Whilst there's no law 8 is too young in my opinion. I would say 11 would be fine.

@Autiemom

What are your specific concerns? Is the home an unsafe environment or can the children not be relyed on to stay at home? Can they follow rules about what they are allowed or not allowed to do when home alone? Is the neighbourhood unsafe so that people may try to enter the home? Might unsafe family members or friends try to access the children? Are the children uncomfortable with the situation?