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Original poster

If you are pretty/attractive can you be friends with men?

102 replies

Quirrelsotherface · 26/03/2022 20:49

Just that really. Not a boast I am definitely no supermodel but I am pretty. I am married, it's not perfect but we love each other, work well as a team and have decent sex and he's got a big willy so I'm perfectly happy and do not want to shag anyone else.
However I like men, I like talking to them, having a laugh, I have an interest that is male dominated. I would happily chat away to their wives too but here's the thing. I am met with coldness, suspicion and actually just fucking nastiness sometimes from their partners.

What can I do, save from shouting 'I don't want to shag your husband!'?
Can anyone honestly say they have great friendships with men if they are pretty?

OP posts:

SoLongAgo · 27/03/2022 20:18

I've always made an effort to befriend wives and partners of my male friends too. I would hate for someone to feel insecure or threatened because of my friendship with a man. And I've never pursued a friendship with any man who wasn't willing to be completely open with his partner about me.

IndoorsyImogen · 27/03/2022 20:27

It shouldn't be this way, but, I do see now, at the age of 38 that there are a staggering number of men who take friendly banter and laughs to be an open invitation to having sex.

I'm married. I have small children. I'm a bit fat. I'm taller than your average MAN and I'm not particularly attractive. I thought I was fairly safe to be friends with men. Like you op, I just find hanging out with men quite good fun. I have a big brother who is like a best friend and my actual best friend is also a man (gay).

I came a-cropper at work recently and actually ended up leaving my job after being propositioned by one guy at work and having another guy stare fixedly at me while clearly fondling himself in his trouser pocket. I'm not deluded or a fantasist blah blah and it NEVER occurred to me before that, that anyone at work would want to have sex with me, let alone think I was up for it. There were way prettier women, way younger and slim etc there. I was not the only woman about, they clearly just thought that I was giving them the eye when I thought they were my mates.

Not all men, blah blah, but yes, a surprising number of men think that by having a laugh with them you are actually secretly saying "let's have sex".

The women are wrong to be annoyed with you though. Why would they want a man they really couldn't trust to be around pretty women ever? It happens! And there will be gorgeous women till the end of time. If they cannot bear for attractive women to be near their 'turf' then that's really their issue and not on you

evrey · 27/03/2022 20:28

My husband got over friendly with my most eccentric undergroomed, chavvy, old, haggard, racist 'friend' who I've always suspected Is cruel to her children.
So no pretty women don't bother me as long as they have morals.

SoLongAgo · 27/03/2022 20:36

a surprising number of men think that by having a laugh with them you are actually secretly saying "let's have sex"

Yup...

Original poster

Quirrelsotherface · 27/03/2022 20:54

This thread is reading a little like that Samantha Brick article from years back

I was wondering how long it would take until we heard her name and it's been longer than I thought!

OP posts:

Svadhyaya · 27/03/2022 21:03

It does though! She apparently faces many of the same problems faced by PPs on this thread:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

HRTQueen · 27/03/2022 21:10

a surprising number of men think that by having a laugh with them you are actually secretly saying "let's have sex"

Absolutely agree. It never fails to amaze me how delusional men are at time

Gonnagetgoing · 27/03/2022 21:29

I did have 2 close male friends, one I briefly dated and the other sent me a sex fuelled text when we were meant to be mates! The latter I’m FB friends with though.

It is a pain if you’re attractive because yes male friends on the whole will come onto unless they’re loved/coupled up.

LimeSupper · 27/03/2022 21:34

I have a male friend I’ve known since early childhood and I know his wife and he knows my husband too. There’s never been any issue or any history of flirting, nothing at all. I think friendships like that, where he’s almost a brother to me, are possible. However, I’ve recently started a new job and have a male colleague who I get along with like a house on fire. I haven’t met his wife yet and he hasn’t met my husband yet either, although we both talk about them. I think he’s really funny and enjoy chatting to him but I also really wouldn’t want him to think I want anything further (plus he’s happily married so not thinking that either). It’s more difficult to navigate I suppose, the start of a new friendship in adulthood - I hope it will be possible but we’ll have to see.

Lbushsgkm · 27/03/2022 21:35

@Gonnagetgoing

I did have 2 close male friends, one I briefly dated and the other sent me a sex fuelled text when we were meant to be mates! The latter I’m FB friends with though.

It is a pain if you’re attractive because yes male friends on the whole will come onto unless they’re loved/coupled up.

To be honest I think the ones with WAGs are the worst for it. In fact I’d qualify that to say more so guys with wives

HRTQueen · 27/03/2022 21:38

I don’t believe women do hate more attractive women

Yes some are insecure and will be wary of flirtatious women. My mum was always telling me this thankfully I realised this wasn’t true when I worked with an absolutely stunningly beautiful women she was so lovely everyone loved her men and women. I then got over myself and stopped being so up myself in thinking that way and it can’t be coincidence I was liked more. I’m not particularly flirty either or a woman who gets on with men better

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 10:23

Yes you can. Obviously some men will fancy me and probably fantasies but so long as they keep it to themselves that is all good. Maybe I’m a terrible person, but I have used that to my advantage over the years. Not by promising or flirting or implying anything, I’ve asked for no more than what any friend would do. It’s handy to have a few male admirers around to carry heavy things like luggage on work trips, move my office furniture around when the whim takes me. And my DH is not the jealous type, we trust each other completely.

IndoorsyImogen · 28/03/2022 10:47

@EmpressCixi

I think some people may find what you just said goady (and maybe it is a little), but good on you.

Men have capitalised on women being sex objects for millenia. I tried to be a genuine, platonic friend to men at work, (see my post from last night), and two of them made me feel so uncomfortable at work with their advances that it was a part of the reason I felt I had to leave that job.

If you are using the shitty system we have, (where women often aren't seen as useful unless a man wants to have sex with them), to your advantage, I think fair play.

There is a gender neutral influencer who does something called gender capitalism, where they will go to a bar looking very feminine, get men to buy her drinks and then they change into very masculine clothes to stay safe on the walk home. This might sound too 'woke' for some people, but I find it makes a good point. And at the end of the day, most people would say no thanks to the free drinks if it guaranteed they could get home safely every night. So capitalising on the system, as a woman, is absolutely fine by me. Men do it every day with zero guilt in my bitter and revent experience.

Gonnagetgoing · 28/03/2022 10:53

@Lbushsgkm - I deliberately don't chat too much to certain attached male friends/neighbours, I mean my attractiveness has probably fallen off a cliff - but I am naturally friendly, outgoing and like to chat. I know from experience how so many men whether attached or not, take that as a sign you're interested in them, god only knows why!

The other day I was walking through my local park to get somewhere, man with dog tries to talk, "oh he likes your boots", "do you live locally?" etc - I spoke to him to be polite but was wishing, please just let me walk so I can get somewhere, I don't give a F if your dog likes me! Oh and no, I don't fancy you!

IndoorsyImogen · 28/03/2022 10:55

"Where women often aren't seen as useful unless a man wants to have sex with them" ...and also, sometimes it's as if they aren't useful unless a man thinks he stands a chance of having sex with them! If you're friends with some men, and then it turns out they just thought they stood a chance of a quick shag and actually couldn't give a shit about your friendship, that is so hurtful and surprisingly common. You see it sometimes on here where women say they thought they had male friends who just liked their personalities, but they noticed that over a certain age, their male friends drifted off and they put it down to them no longer being as attractive in the conventional, male gaze way they were previously.

This all sounds very anti men and NAMALT I know, I know. But it does seem to be reasonably commonplace

Soffit · 28/03/2022 10:57

@Svadhyaya

This thread is reading a little like that Samantha Brick article from years back.

Yup. I must make myself stay off all of the vanity threads. I should have quit when I read a crude detail in the OP.

Zazdar · 28/03/2022 11:07

I actually once had the gayest of gay men ever say I could turn him. I took this as one of the biggest compliments I've ever had

Perhaps he thinks you look like a man

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 11:08

@IndoorsyImogen
You’re right it’s a bit goady. But honestly I find being friends is much less effort and more to my advantage career wise than taking the unfriendly ice queen approach. I can call in favours when I need to. It’s helped me negotiate some sticky situations at work. I am also equally friendly to my female colleagues as well, and some of them may fancy me too (not everyone is straight!). But I am careful not to use people or give them false hope by asking more of them than is polite or professional.

IndoorsyImogen · 28/03/2022 11:16

@Soffit, it really isn't about vanity. I think that's a little unfair. It isn't a compliment when a guy you have no interest in tried his luck because he thinks he has a chance because you were friendly to him. I stated clearly that I'm no looker! Really not. By mumsnet standards, I'm a giant whale who could never find a man 🤣.

It's about a society where women cannot even be friendly to a man without it being taken the wrong way. I don't think that's a compliment. It's an inconvenience.

Again, I'm not conventionally attractive at all and that isn't modesty

Brefugee · 28/03/2022 11:17

Only ugly women can be friends with men. Because men only want to have sex with the pretty ones.

Svadhyaya · 28/03/2022 11:45

@Soffit ahhh I know where you're coming from but don't let it get to you!
Attractiveness is a totally relative term, so I don't think there is anybody who is universlly attractive to absolutely everyone. Some people will think you're absolutely gorgeous and some people won't, just as will be the case for every PP on this thread.

I agree with the sentiments about it being a male thing and that actually yes many males do struggle to be just friends with females without it being about sex which is a crying shame. I've had my fingers burnt in friendships this way. I actually don't think it is necessarily about 'attractiveness' or physical beauty or conventional looks, or however you like to phrase it. I actually think it's more about who men perceive as being available to them. And that isn't an insult calling people 'available' - rather it's men, yet again, interpreting platonic friendliness as being a come-on.

I also don't get the thing about other women hating 'attractive' women. I don't think this gives women enough credit and portrays them as being shallow. Maybe it's the case for SOME women but I just don't buy that this is a universal thing across all women.

Zazdar · 28/03/2022 11:50

Yes you can. Obviously some men will fancy me and probably fantasies but so long as they keep it to themselves that is all good.

This is my take on it too. Adopting an air of bitch faced unapproachability is counterproductive and unnecessary.

bjjgirl · 28/03/2022 12:19

For me I have great genuine friendships with my couple friends, so friends of both me and dp, where I am friends with their wives / girlfriends.

Frosty response from the female other halves at first but then they see how into my other half I am and they settle

The men are lovely, know I am loyal and don't see me like that.

Men through work not a chance - time and time again I have believed I had a friend or mentor and they have tried it on - I'm not a stunner either

Katieandthekids · 28/03/2022 12:55

I've got lots of male friends maybe I'm uglier than I thought haha

Original poster

Quirrelsotherface · 28/03/2022 13:40

zazdar

Maybe

OP posts:

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