If you are pretty/attractive can you be friends with men?

[Quirrelsotherface]

Just that really. Not a boast I am definitely no supermodel but I am pretty. I am married, it's not perfect but we love each other, work well as a team and have decent sex and he's got a big willy so I'm perfectly happy and do not want to shag anyone else.
However I like men, I like talking to them, having a laugh, I have an interest that is male dominated. I would happily chat away to their wives too but here's the thing. I am met with coldness, suspicion and actually just fucking nastiness sometimes from their partners.

What can I do, save from shouting 'I don't want to shag your husband!'?
Can anyone honestly say they have great friendships with men if they are pretty?

@BingBangB0ng doesn't work. Tried it. I'm a literal paragon of virtue, never cheated on my DH, don't, absolutely don't flirt with the husbands to the point where I think I'm being standoffish. Never contact them directly, never speak to them without their wives being present. I do everything 'right'. Doesn't work.

When I became single, the women who I had known for 20 years turned weird. Less so the women with careers. The stay at home mums whose financial security and social status depend on their husbands, they are not letting a size 8, happy woman stay in their friendship group.

This isn't arrogance, sadly it seems to be the norm. Most of my divorced female friends have received a bit of bullying from insecure women.

Again with the klaxon, just because we're single, doesn't mean we want YOUR husband/ life. Most of us have seen too much!

The husbands though, they love all the attention. I have no interest in playing a role in a 50 year old man's fantasy or jealousy game.

This isn't arrogance, sadly it seems to be the norm. Most of my divorced female friends have received a bit of bullying from insecure women

It isn't arrogance at all and I 100% believe you.

It's a shame and I don't know if it's a British thing but it's clear on this thread, it's still a taboo to state that you are pretty, or attractive. I spent years of my life playing my looks down and to be honest they are very much fading now but I am still pretty. There's a million other things about me too, good and bad but unfortunately I believe this is my main issue with having a chat /friendship with a taken man.

I feel in one way or another, I have spent my whole life apologising for my looks.

No, unless they are not straight. I am an ex catwalk model ( high end), tall, blonde slim etc. Every single straight male who has ever come to fix/ survey anything at the house ever has tried it on with me - right from the good looking younger ones to the pot bellied, foul smelling grandads. Once, two tried it on at once.

Luckily, I am extremely standoffish and none of them had a hope in hell of getting anything. I have mastered certain facial expressions which help me to knock them back without spelling it out but it has taken years.

Before then, I had a DP who would never let me communicate with tradespeople because he was wary of this ( and rightly so). Back then, I understood why it may be happening but now that I have DC, I think these men ( who are mainly in relationships) should be bloody ashamed of themselves and get their eyes checked.

Just to clarify, I am always fully covered up around guests and I most certainly don’t flirt. I do offer tea etc but that’s hardly an invitation. Luckily, my DS is getting bigger and I can receive guests alongside him which may help. I may start seeming less irresistible as time goes on. I expected to be invisible by this age but obviously not just yet. I have a gay handyman ( well, two as they are a couple) and it is so liberating.

JTC this is not a brag. I truly loathe being the object of male attention as I am so very, very unavailable and disinterested. there is nothing in the world they could do to appeal to me.

Yes, I have some very good male friends. Some I've known for many years and some more recent. I am quite boyish in dress and have some typically male interests. Those things do seem to be a bit of a theme on this thread.

Impossible. They all want to have sex with me. Even the ones who say they're gay want to deep down. I have to watch out for the lesbians too. And don't get me started about the wives. If they don't want to have sex with me (they do really) they're dead jealous. It's exhausting. Sometimes I long for old age or in the meantime a hideously disfiguring disease.

Impossible. They all want to have sex with me. Even the ones who say they're gay want to deep down. I have to watch out for the lesbians too. And don't get me started about the wives. If they don't want to have sex with me (they do really) they're dead jealous. It's exhausting. Sometimes I long for old age or in the meantime a hideously disfiguring disease

I actually once had the gayest of gay men ever say I could turn him. I took this as one of the biggest compliments I've ever had

I've always had male platonic friends, I'm no looker but scrub up ok, but my friends wives trust them

I think you only can as a couple hanging out with other couples. I'm in my late 30s and tried it a few times as I felt like you do but found it way too much hard work. Each time the man thought there still was a chance of more so I'd find myself to be on one sided "dates" which were awkward. It got strange and intense with one as other people assumed we were secretly really dating and he didn't correct them, and he got upset I didn't have feelings for him and made digs at me in the end. I felt like I was quite open and had had a boyfriend but people who like you look for "signs" and it's exhausting to keep correcting them so you go along with their flirting sometimes. Another man didn't fancie me but kept flirting then later on saying stuff to highlight I wasn't his type which just wasn't fun, necessary! or great for my self esteem!!! It felt like wow this isn't what I thought it would be like! lol

@AWOL66

I think you only can as a couple hanging out with other couples. I'm in my late 30s and tried it a few times as I felt like you do but found it way too much hard work. Each time the man thought there still was a chance of more so I'd find myself to be on one sided "dates" which were awkward. It got strange and intense with one as other people assumed we were secretly really dating and he didn't correct them, and he got upset I didn't have feelings for him and made digs at me in the end. I felt like I was quite open and had had a boyfriend but people who like you look for "signs" and it's exhausting to keep correcting them so you go along with their flirting sometimes. Another man didn't fancie me but kept flirting then later on saying stuff to highlight I wasn't his type which just wasn't fun, necessary! or great for my self esteem!!! It felt like wow this isn't what I thought it would be like! lol

Re reading your post I just want to add: None of these men had wives or girlfriends. Though I understand your frustration as I have found some women to treat me with suspicion when talking to men in a group setting (and I'm just average looking though I think it's irrelevant really as it's all relative to who you are talking to), I wouldn't ever pursue the friendship of a man in a relationship outside of a group setting unless we were already friends for years. It's irritating when other women are stand offish - I hate that attitude that you can't even chat with a man at a big gathering without it being seen as sinister BUT I wouldn't be fond of someone that hung out with my partner alone unless a rationale reason like they work together/share mutual friends and are doing something project related etc. If not in that kind of context it's crossing a boundary as it's likely to raise questions and could cause friction. Far better to be very transparent and stick to group stuff altogether so noone's feelings are hurt.

Very shortly after I split with H I had 2 of his male friends (who I thought were also mine) try it on, my male friend try it on and even 2 married ex colleagues get in touch to 'offer a shoulder' which very quickly turn into offers of sex.

I'm not quasimodo but not a complete stunner either. Most men would fuck a ham sandwich. They might prefer 10/10s but if a 3 is available and vulnerable they will have a go.

Probably more likely to develop infatuations with better looking women that they hide as a friendship until they get their chance.

I have a few male friends now - 2 I'm pretty sure would go for it if i showed interest and the rest are different age groups and shown no signs of anything. They are nice enough but it's situational friendships really; i'd never share or open up with them like i do women after having so many experiences of it back firing and it being interpreted as a come on.

I have male friends and I’ve never had a hint that they fancy me or want anything more, I certainly don’t fancy them. The men I’m friends with are part of a mixed friendship group and I’ve never got the impression they fancy any of the other women either. They all have families so maybe it would be different if they were single.

@converseandjeans

I think so - one of my husband's oldest friends is a total stunner. I know he fancied her when they were teens (although feeling wasn't mutual) but they are just good mates!

But had she reciprocated then he would have got together with her. Would he want to be friends still if she wasn't attractive?

Sadly I don't think men are (generally) fussed about maintaining friendships with females that aren't physically attractive to them.

I don't think they're generally fussed about attractiveness either to be honest

Sorry to burst your bubble OP but men will try it on with anyone, ‘pretty’ or not and married men are amongst the worst for it. However it’s normal for everyone to encounter a range of people, male, female, plain, attractive, in the course of their daily lives, and most people accept this without worry.

If wives/girlfriends/partners are consistently responding coolly towards you, I’d expect it’s more to do with the way you are interacting than your appearance. Possibly without even realising it. You describe yourself as very attractive and sound quite invested in your perceived attractiveness, so perhaps you’re used to having a flirty dynamic with men without even much realising it.

What scenarios are you encountering where you’re chatting to guys rather than their partners while they’re both present?

To answer your main question, yes of course you can.

I don’t think it matters if you are pretty or not

If sex is a possibility many men will try abs friendship is one way

I’m a bit rough round the edges now but used to be considered attractive
Never had a friendship with a man that lasted, except for a gay guy and the two blokes I lived with at uni who I had a brotherly relationship with

This thread is reading a little like that Samantha Brick article from years back.

I think it depends when and how you become friends. When I had young children, was married and didn't dress to impress, it was definitely easier to be platonic. My ex-h has been friends with his best friends for 40 years and there's never been anything there. Nowadays, I've given up. Close friends know I don't want to shag their husbands but I feel I can't have a conversation with a man, without getting daggers from their wives. I've also had a couple of guys coming on to me when I thought they were just friends. I generally just avoid men I'm not in a relationship with. It's much easier that way.

I'm certainly not pretty, I mean I'm not hideous but definitely not pretty, just rather plain looking (though I can't deny I have a cracking pair of tits). All my male friends have tried it on with me, even a few years into the friendship. I've only ever had four male proper, close friends, so I'm not trying to say that every single man wants me or anything like that. But I've had four male friends that I considered close friends and all four have tried to sleep with me. And each time, I have tried to salvage the friendship as the friendships were very genuine on my part and meant a lot to me. But each time without fail, after I (politely and sensitively) made it clear that nothing was going to happen between us, they were no longer interested in being my friend. It was really hard tbh.

It's not a big-headed thing - like I say, I'm not pretty. Just average. It actually makes me feel really low about myself, I often feel that I am worthless except for sex, and no one would want to be my friend for any good reason because I have no good or interesting qualities. It's even affected my relationship with my DH occasionally, I find it hard to believe he values me as a human being and not just a sex partner. He does value me, obviously, and I know that really. It's nothing he's doing wrong - it's just that I convince myself that he must be lying and pretending to care about me to be polite because who would actually value me?! I know that may sound extreme - it's probably got a lot to do with some trauma from when I was younger too. But the male friends issue most definitely added to the feeling.

So whilst I'm absolutely positive that nice men exist who wouldn't want to sleep with me, I'm no longer prepared to put my feelings on the line and get hurt again. I get my fix of "male conversation" from my DH's friends when they come over to see my DH but I keep them at arms length and I wouldn't class them as my own friends, as sad as that may sound. All my close friends are women, and I can't have no desire to change that.

I'm attractive but no more than that. I have a few male friends largely because I get different things from my friendships with them than I do from my female friends.

There isn't one that hasn't expressed an interest at some point though.

I don't flirt with them and I'm honest about feelings. Some fizzled out, some have become genuine friends who never crossed the line.

My boyfriend is aware - he says he can see it in them sometimes but he also sees how I am in response, trusts me implicitly and he has become friends with some of them.

I think a lot of women are constantly worrying about "giving off the wrong signals" or at some point having to let a man down gently and hoping he doesn't get unpleasant about it. It's not so much that I assumed every man fancied me, it was more that it was really awful on the few occasions they did fancy me.

I was never beautiful, but I was at one point young and almost slim (and I had cracking tits). I'm really enjoying being middle aged and fat, and not having to give it a second thought as to whether someone might fancy me! And in my 40s, I do now have a few genuine male friends, which I never did when I was younger.

Nope
My ‘close friend’ is now my husband and the father of my three dcs.

I’ve got an old friend from uni days. Love him to bits.

But I had to withdraw from the friendship because his partner accused him of having an affair with me. Because we met up for lunch, with another friend and my new baby whilst I was on maternity leave. Was the first time we’d all met up in twenty years. So was a shit affair (never been interested in friend like that and no affair).

It’s the sort of friendship where we don’t speak regularly but occasionally on big life events we’d message (three of us) update one another of our lives and coincidentally that one time all three of us were available at the same time for lunch in the same place.

Our other friend immediately defriended male on all social media.

I kept male friend on my social media and then messaged him loads of photos of my wedding when I got married to DH, I wanted his partner to see I wasn’t a threat or interested in her partner in that way.

I couldn’t have anyone hurting that I was involved with her DP.

I've never experienced any difficult with wives or partners because I don't encourage or seek male.attention in any way. They are just mates and that's how I interact.

My boyfriend has female friends and it doesn't bother me. There is only one (a mutual friend) who doesn't always behave appropriately but he avoids her now in anything other than group situations. He and I getting together seemed to trigger something in her 🤷🏻‍♀️

So no i don’t have ‘close’ male friends. I have fiends who are male and if we meet up it’s as part of a wider friends meet up.

My closest male friendship is my husband.