If you've got self esteem, where did you get it?

[Iloveyourbracelet]

I could really do with some! Long history of anxiety and depression, stemming from abusive childhood. I never had any self esteem as a child. I got quite close when i had CBT as an adult but it didn't last. I never really believe im worth taking any notice of so consequently nobody does and i feel pretty invisible most of the time. I don't know what to do about it really. I suffer really badly with imposter syndrome too.

So if you really like/are proud of/believe in yourself and have self esteem - how did you get it and how can i?! Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

Mostly learned how to feel good about myself, after years of beating myself up

Therapy
Exercise
Consciously noticing stuff I get right / do well and praising myself for it
Generally treating myself the way a loving parent would do

Realising it was me against the world at age 10 (parents divorced, both parents pretty rubbish from then on). I am very strong and self sufficient and although I don't have great self esteem about the way I look and never had (always had a weight problem) I reckon being able to look after oneself is more important than how you look so that wins out on balance.

No idea op, mines at rock bottom, but I saw this last night.
I wouldn’t talk to someone I love the way I speak to/about myself. I really need to change that.

OP I’ve always had high self esteem, right from early childhood. For me, it was a combination of my parents and school. My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted and I have the ability to do it and I’ve never doubted that since a young child. Not once have I ever thought I couldn’t do something. I’m afraid to say I went to an academic pushy school and was also told the same

Its a work in progress I think. Sometimes I'm full of confidence, other times I'm a wreck. Therapy when I'm feeling low and really working on the basics during that time (self care etc.). The periods of time between my low periods have spaced out over time and the dips are never as bad but it does take constant work.

For me it's about knowing that I'm always trying to be a decent human being and accepting my limitations and who I am. It's ok not to be beautiful, rich, successful - just be you and that's enough.

Perhaps you're quiet and introverted - that's ok there are enough people trying to be the centre of attention. Be the thinker, the listener. If you're suffering from imposter syndrome then it's unlikely you're enjoying the situations that make you feel like that - maybe it time to look at finding something that doesn't make you feel like that where you can just relax and be you.

Try reframing a few things perhaps........maybe the problem isn't you and your self esteem, maybe it's the world and it's expectations.

Therapy.
Years of it (11? 12?!) and a lot of putting good structures in place and actually wanting to change rather than wanting to want to change.

My nana and my mum. I honestly grew up thinking I was the bees knees, its only really now at 40 I realise that I'm nothing special at all, my life is very mediocre, I'm average in every way possible (if not below average!). They did an incredible job. They made me feel very special.

My dad. He made me feel as though I could do anything. Simple as that.

I have a high self worth/self esteem.

I had great parents who made me feel worthy I guess. We try to build it with our clients, doesn't always work but I hope it has some effect.

From my family. Strong mother, strong father, only girl with 3 brothers, all brought up to respect women. Matriarchal grandmother, and grand aunties (war widows) basically a family full of women who were used to having an opinion and being listened to.

Having survived a lot of tough times, and realised that I am enough. Whatever life throws at me I will somehow cope, and without help if I have to.

It has often been difficult, and I've struggled financially and emotionally in the past - but having come through the other side I now feel pretty good on the self esteem. I've made what I deem to be a reasonable success of my life, without much help from anyone else.

And so I'm content with myself. I don't really care what other people think. I am good enough.

(I'm also rapidly heading towards 60 now, which helps. You give less of a fuck as you get older)

Illegitimi non carborundum

Otherwise posited as “fuck ‘em”.

You have to acknowledge your strengths and be determined to prove the bad guys wrong.

Both parents were strong minded, I’ve always been told I’m as good as the next person, and I should never think otherwise!

Also, it self-perpetuates. Every small thing you tackle, will make you feel stronger.

I think it’s mostly having a very low opinion of most people so their opinions don’t matter to me.

Knowing that my parents loved me and put me before their own needs.

@Hoppinggreen It’s definitely not that. You don’t need to put others down to big yourself up.

It comes from having had a secure, loving relationship with parents, grandparents, and other members of an extended family in early childhood. Add to that an absence of trauma - bereavement, illness, hospitalisation, divorce etc and decent schooling and you have a solid foundation for life. I know this from DH who had all of the above and enjoys high self esteem and is happy.

Yep, absolutely parental support and being told I could do anything and be anything I wanted.

My parents have never failed with their endless love and support, never judging my direction.

Importantly, they never told me I I was the best, in fact I remember my dad telling me there would always be someone better, faster, stronger than me and it was what I did with that knowledge that dictated where I would go.

I was told I could succeed if I used the talents and strengths that I had.

Not to be difficult here, but OP has specifically said that she had an abusive childhood and that she wants to overcome her lack of self esteem.

She’s looking for tips and pointers.

To overcome the abusive childhood and those resultant feelings.

So all the “I had great parents” posts, while lovely, aren’t much practical use to her and might be making her feel worse(?)

I think my high self-esteem comes from my mum. I was told every day what an amazing person I was, and knew I was loved no matter what. I was told from a young age I could be or do whatever I wanted to do. I also had loving grandparents and aunts who absolutely doted on me as I was growing up.

I brought up my 4 kids the same, however my middle son suffers from low self-esteem, can't take compliments. Maybe because he's a teenager or maybe he was predestined to by like that as his dad is the same.

My bestie has terribly low self-esteem and anxiety, despite looking like a supermodel and being absolutely hilarious. But she had an abusive childhood. It breaks my heart she can't see how amazing she is.

@Iloveyourbracelet People aren’t reading properly. Maybe ask MNHQ to change the title so you get more helpful replies?

[quote SeanMean]@Hoppinggreen It’s definitely not that. You don’t need to put others down to big yourself up.[/quote]
No, I don’t put other people down. I just don’t need validation from other people when I know I’m right.

OP I’ve always had high self esteem, right from early childhood.

Same

I have a wide supportive family & have had the same friends since decades so I know I'm great! 😆

My dad in particular was a huge cheerleader & made me think I could do anything.