If you've got self esteem, where did you get it?

[Iloveyourbracelet]

I could really do with some! Long history of anxiety and depression, stemming from abusive childhood. I never had any self esteem as a child. I got quite close when i had CBT as an adult but it didn't last. I never really believe im worth taking any notice of so consequently nobody does and i feel pretty invisible most of the time. I don't know what to do about it really. I suffer really badly with imposter syndrome too.

So if you really like/are proud of/believe in yourself and have self esteem - how did you get it and how can i?! Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

@Iloveyourbracelet, that's a really interesting question.

I've never been short of self esteem. It never occurred to me that my opinion wasn't worth listening to. I was the only team leader who was both female and didn't have a degree. It just never occurred to me that meant I wasn't as good/better than them.

So I've thought about your question and I really don't know how it why it happened. My daughter is the same(though she does have a degree). We just are sure that our opinions are valid and worth airing.

The only thing that occurs to me is once, when I was about eight, I overheard my Mum and Dad arguing about something I'd done/ not done. Dad said "she's stubborn, just like you" and Mum said "Yes, and just like you she thinks she's always right". So maybe it's just genetics?

The same mix probably means some think I'm insufferable

Parents and school. Not that vapid ‘you can do anything, reach for the stars’ crap, but knowing they saw in me someone worth listening to, supporting and challenging.

Also from my parents, that they trusted me enough to let me make my own mistakes, pick myself up, dust myself off and try again, but that if everything went absolutely pear-shaped, they would be there for me without question.

@Thoosa

Not to be difficult here, but OP has specifically said that she had an abusive childhood and that she wants to overcome her lack of self esteem.

She’s looking for tips and pointers.

To overcome the abusive childhood and those resultant feelings.

So all the “I had great parents” posts, while lovely, aren’t much practical use to her and might be making her feel worse(?)

No the OP specifically said Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

So we are answering her question. It seems that most were lucky enough to have had good parents. I actually double checked her post before posting.

Definitely my childhood

I had strong characters around me and was pretty much treated as one of the adults from a young age- there was a significant gap between me and the next child being born
I am confident speaking to people and self assured and this has done me well in work as I dont shy away.

How to get it now- im sorry your childhood wasnt great, affirmations help me when I am feelong low- headspace is a great app. At work try and get a mentor to support and guide you- I have found that being open with my peers is great as we truly support and bolster each other up. I realised when I was having some doubts in my ability that- especially in work- organisations want someone who will put their hand up and crack on and because I am willing to do so people PERCIEVE me as skilled and capable even when Ive not been (yet)

Although it can backfire hence why you get contestants on X factor etc who really do believe they are the next Mariah!

No the OP specifically said Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?*

So we are answering her question. It seems that most were lucky enough to have had good parents. I actually double checked her post before posting.

Put it another way. She clearly didn’t get great self esteem from her parents/childhood.

Clearly she is looking for hopeful posts about how to foster self esteem despite that lack.

My parents mostly

It's a cliche but you need to believe in yourself, that way other people's reaction to you will be less important. I also think if you're positive & confident (even if just outwardly) people respond to it.

I should have worded my title better i guess, the first couple of responses from people with supportive parents did hit me a bit hard just then. It does hurt a lot that my parents never pushed me or helped me believe i was capable of anything (they wanted to keep me reliant on them so i was very stifled and kept under tight control - was always told "you can't do that" rather than "you can do anything". It's a large part of the reason i never went to uni. Uni was for other people.) The responses have been helpful because i can make sure i do it right with my own children. All i desperately want for them is to believe in themselves. It's nice to hear from adults who did have that instilled in them that it does make a difference.

Martial arts.

It's a cliche but you need to believe in yourself, that way other people's reaction to you will be less important

That's the bit i struggle with. I don't know how to believe in myself, it probably sounds a bit pathetic.

I also had abusive parents, OP, who completely destroyed my self esteem. I was raised to believe that nothing I did was good enough, and that I was just an unwanted nuisance.
Several things turned it around for me:
First, my darling DH, who loved me unconditionally, was proud of everything I achieved, and gave me confidence just by being beside me.
Second, my job. Qualifying as a doctor and being treated with professional respect, was v helpful.
Thirdly, I was devastated when DH died young, leaving me with two babies - I feared that I wouldn’t cope - but an encounter with the presence of God at DH’s funeral converted me to Christianity. The knowledge that God loves me just as I am, and is always with me, is hugely supportive.
Fourth, an excellent CBT therapist, who helped me to lose the internalised critical voice of my parents, and replace it with positive affirmations and self belief.

Finally, nothing succeeds like success. Any activity - whether professional or hobby - at which you do well, helps to boost you. It doesn’t matter whether it’s huge - developing a covid vaccine - or small - winning a friendly tennis match - it will lift you.
You may find some or all of the above work for you OP, but also keep encouraging and praising yourself, to get into positive habits.
Be your own cheerleader: “Wow, I made a great job of cleaning that sink!” “Gosh, what a neat bit of reverse parking I managed there!” etc.
You will find confidence increases naturally with age and experience, you just need to foster it by all possible means. Good luck!

That's the bit i struggle with. I don't know how to believe in myself, it probably sounds a bit pathetic.

Not at all & parents do make a massive difference so it's hard to "learn" it. My DH was very loved but also taught to stick to a certain path & not to go out of his comfort zone. He's much more cautious & risk adverse as a result.
Perhaps setting yourself little challenges & achieving them will boost your confidence?

I had low self esteem as a child and teen as my parents were constantly telling me I was fat/would never amount to anything etc etc

When I met my DH he was so lovely to me and for the past 20 years has built me up so much with constant compliments (not just on my appearance) that I became more and more confident in myself. I also worked on myself with counselling etc and my self esteem has grown and grown. If anything I'm a bit arrogant now

I went very low (almost no) contact with my parents. I then married a man who believes I can do anything I set my mind to. He encourages me daily.

Get rid of anyone who brings you down and surround yourself with positive supportive people.

I had low self esteem as a child and a bit as a teenager.

Higher self esteem comes from knowing that I’m sociable, get on with most people, that a lot of people like me and that I’m good at what I do. Believing in yourself though, whatever you’re good at, if you’re a good person and so on.

It’s never too late for university.

Parents and then God.

Sertraline changed my life 😊

I think the things that have helped me is

To relax and remember I have just as much right to be here and live my life how I want as anyone else.

To not attach to much importance to what others think of me. If I'm okay with my behaviour and choices then that's okay. Other people usually don't know the full facts of any situation and they certainly don't know my thoughts and feelings. So they can't judge.

Taking some care with my appearance - basic things like ironing clothes, being clean and smelling nice, putting some make up on brushing my hair. Nothing grand but basic self care.

Treating myself well. I take myself to the dentist, smear/mammographs. Try to eat well and exercise. Throw out worn clothes/shoes and force myself to spend money on new ones when I need to.

Rehearse social situations by having a couple of funny stories to chip in. Also treating others well. When you respect others they tend to respect you back.

Lastly, fake it til you make it does work! If you act like you're quietly confident and push yourself to do something you're frightened of/dreading - wow it's a brilliant feeling when you've done it. It really builds genuine confidence over time.

Oh and one last one - I sometimes think of all my ancestors standing behind me. They've been through huge struggles and they are the reason I'm here. I imagine them standing behind me urging me on. My own personal fan club! I can't let them down

@Iloveyourbracelet I'm following your thread with interest because I understand exactly what you're saying. We can't go back and change our childhoods, can we? I've had therapy which has helped and I go through good periods, but it takes very little to bring me down to rock bottom. Would love to know the answer to a permanent change of attitude.

A few things,

First I read power of a positive no by ury where I learned it was ok to say no.

Then I read pathfinder career guide book by lore which really helped me realise I could really do a lot in the future

Finally did read breaking the chain of low self esteem by sorensen.

All the very best

Just to say I rebuilt it from not having much!

I get you OP, I had shitty parents too. Earlier this year I had a massive bust up with them- over their racism- and we haven't spoken since. That argument clarified what I've always felt on some level- they simply don't like me, and never have. Since cutting ties with them I feel a lot better, and stronger.

CBT helped. As did...I don't know how to describe it....sheer bloody mindedness, pulling myself up by my own bootstraps? Making myself love and respect myself, and if you fake it for long enough it eventually becomes real.

OP, I had a terrible childhood as well and suffer from low self esteem. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had been raised differently. What has helped me is learning about self compassion and making an effort to change the way I speak to myself. Instead of beating yourself up, 'God, I was such an idiot for doing this or that', I try to think to myself what would I say to my best friend in that situation and be just as kind. This is how you learn to be your own best friend. Because no one is going to care about you as much as you do.

Therapy also helps. You can get free CBT sessions by referring yourself online via the NHS. Also have a Google to see if there any charities offering free counselling too in your area. Good luck! It's a tough process!