If you've got self esteem, where did you get it?

[Iloveyourbracelet]

I could really do with some! Long history of anxiety and depression, stemming from abusive childhood. I never had any self esteem as a child. I got quite close when i had CBT as an adult but it didn't last. I never really believe im worth taking any notice of so consequently nobody does and i feel pretty invisible most of the time. I don't know what to do about it really. I suffer really badly with imposter syndrome too.

So if you really like/are proud of/believe in yourself and have self esteem - how did you get it and how can i?! Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

I didn't have much self confidence as a little girl, but being sent to private school when I was 10 soon changed that. A Steiner education really encourages self belief and self assurance.

Then I made the very sensible choice of sharing the last 30 years of my life with someone who always makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.

It is making me sad to read that a lot of people's self esteem came from their parents.... I also have none. I really struggled in school and life, was never encouraged to go to Uni, got shouted at when I couldn't do maths (which made me hate it more and I still can't do it now)

Just everything.

My parents aren't bad people but I think they both have low self esteem, so it was never going to end up any other way for me.

I'm doing my best with my kids to make sure they have self belief :) I believe my life would have been so much more enriched if I had this.

I'm sorry for anyone else who has ever felt this way there's some really helpful suggestions here, thank you. I've had cbt ... I can probably go for more. The silly thing is, I always feel like I'm not worthy of it. It's a vicious cycle!

@Iloveyourbracelet

I could really do with some! Long history of anxiety and depression, stemming from abusive childhood. I never had any self esteem as a child. I got quite close when i had CBT as an adult but it didn't last. I never really believe im worth taking any notice of so consequently nobody does and i feel pretty invisible most of the time. I don't know what to do about it really. I suffer really badly with imposter syndrome too.

So if you really like/are proud of/believe in yourself and have self esteem - how did you get it and how can i?! Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

Mine was learned, yes I got bullied at times during secondary school, but I had a passion for learning, a bit mostly topics other than school work, and doing the research and analysis, gave me something to focus on, and to be proud of, yes I had the usual must do better, try harder ect, which to a factor was correct, but I knew I was fairly well mannered, tried to help others when possible, and tried adapt the military mindset of assuming the worse, and plan, but hope for the best, then also live by each day rather than getting my hopes up, e.g. Weekend vs it's only monday, sorts like treasure each moment philosophy.

Overall Im not perfect, but if I don't believe in my self and build myself , my knowledge, my skills etc, then as helpful as other people have been, at the same time, I need to do most of the foundations myself and then keep on improving otherwise I'll be only a quarter of the person I am.

Eldest child, pretty when younger, fairly clever.

None of them earned, pure luck but they combine to create high confidence levels

My husband who believes in me completely
And my qualifications, they’re my doing, no one can take them from me abs they are proof I’m good enough.

But sometimes I’m still very hard on myself. I’m fat, clumsy, embarrassing - that’s when I hear my mothers voice calling me her little baby elephant, laughing at me wanting to do ballet, etc. I know she didn’t mean it but - it sticks.

I have struggled with low self esteem all my life. I found cbt helped me a bit at the time, then I went downhill again, but for some reason, and I don’t really know what it is, but at the moment I feel like I just don’t care what others think of me. I am who I am and I’ve realised life is too short to let negative beliefs get in the way of me being who I want to be. I don’t want it to be a hindrance, I deserve as much as the next person, not in an entitled way, but just that my life is as important as anyone else’s. I hope I don’t sound bolshy, but I just think this is working for me right now, and I hope I continue to be strong the next time someone tries to push me down, because no one deserves to be, not me, not you OP, or anyone else on this thread. We all have value, and most importantly we have to believe that ourselves.

My only sibling has cripplingly low self esteem yet mine is high. We had the same parents (not what I would call amazing parents, but not absolutely awful either), same upbringing, very close in age etc yet we are so different when it comes to confidence and belief in ourselves. Maybe I was just born confident 🤷‍♀️

@Iloveyourbracelet, another thought.

In my long gone youth, I listened to many songs that affirmed me. One you might try is Dylan (very early Dylan) Ramona. Just one line sticks in my head "I've heard you say many times that you're better than no one, and no one is better than you".

It always seemed to me to be so completely true.

Nobody is or can be better than you. Because you are you, and no one else can be.

Just as others are themselves and on one else can be.

I really wish and hope you can find some peace.

I suffer from some MH issues (anxiety, ocd, psychosis related to anxiety).

But I still have high self esteem and think highly of myself and how I want to be treated.

MH issues dont make me inferior to anyone else in any way: it’s just that the chemicals in my brain don’t always work well

I honestly don't have a clue. Grew up with shit parents, was raised in a deeply backwards religious community where I was expected to only have babies and cook, and eventually scraped out of an abusive marriage into a much happier and healthier life. I have a fantastic career and a wonderful little family and know for certain it's a result of my talent, efforts, and confidence to grab hold of opportunities as they come. I feel lucky, too but I believe with certainty that my luck is also down to my resilience and willingness to take chances.

I do believe that resilience is part of the key to happiness. The ability to cope with life's knocks and get back up again is worth a hell of a lot.

Long term depth therapy... psychoanalytic or jungian. 10 years of it. Hard work but worth it.

Self affirmations work. It’s weird to start off with but the more you vocalise your worth to yourself the more you will believe it. You need to silence your inner critic who, if you are anything like me, easily puts you down. You need to start turning that voice into your inner champion and get it to cheer you on every day. You can teach your brain to be on your side, which is pretty much all self esteem is.

This is both interesting and sad to read.

I was introverted as a child and struggled in high school due to bullying. I spent my latter teenage years and 20's with low level depression which I tried to hide with being promiscuous. I seriously did not think I was loveable and was permanently angry and defensive. I placed myself in the background and assumed everyone else was more academic, attractive, popular, in the know.

I went for counselling and learnt that I was indeed strong and resilient. I spent years feeling weak due to being bullied. Though I was often excluded at high school and in friendship groups, I never changed who I was to make others like me. I simply walked away and remained true to myself.

Some of my life experiences would have sent someone else off the rails. Yet here I am achieving at work, qualified, mentoring others, loving others and most of all loving myself.

I actually like myself and see my beauty - that to me is major progress from my beginning.

From my parents' unconditional love.

DBT rather than CBT! Learning to check the facts- challenge the false messages my brain kept repeating incessantly. Generally learning to challenge unhealthy emotional/behavioural patterns had a real impact on my mental health and self esteem. Being able to have a bit of empathy for yourself is important. Often we view ourselves through a much tougher lens than we would our friends/our younger selves; try to show yourself the same empathy and kindness and understanding I'm sure you show to loved ones.

I moved from Scotland to the USA in my mid 20s for 10 years. The positive attitude and self deprecating language not being the norm helped immensely.

I'm not Uber confident but I have enough self confidence to not put myself down all the time and I don't let people walk over me as much.

If they could bottle that life experience and sell it that would be great. I could do with a few drops every now and then.

Similar to @A580Hojas had to be very self sufficient from a young age. Moved out into a rented house on my own 2 weeks after my 16th birthday. Very much a me against the world mentality. Had to believe in myself to feed myself.

Had moments of doubt as we all do. But left school with good results but still lower level type exams (think gcse) and nothing else. Clawed my way up through various work to live jobs for 20 odd years, whilst a single parent but always had this belief I could do it. Now pretty senior in finance industry - switched into finance 6 years ago with zero finance background always worked in leisure before. Never done a single other official qualification since I left school.

Give yourself credit where it's due and Don't critique yourself for your mistakes too much. We love and learn and grow.

I had a difficult childhood and I had to defend myself a lot. Fight or flight is a theory isn't it? Well I was a fighter, I just wasn't going to let anyone get me down. I think my self esteem comes from realising that if you have survived without your parent's approval you certainly don't need anyone elses. I have some very special people in my life now who love me and they have been very healing. But ultimately I love myself, warts and all. I'm far from perfect but I'm ok with that. I like myself and love myself

I guess the more pertinent question is, when did you lose it?

As a baby nothing was more important than you, to you. You had no problem letting all and sundry know when you were hungry, bored, happy, tired or dirty. Somewhere along the line you learnt to share, consider the feelings of others, patience and how to regulate your emotions to be accepted by others. Feelings of low self esteem/confidence always come from external sources.

@jungledoc

It's a cliche but you need to believe in yourself, that way other people's reaction to you will be less important. I also think if you're positive & confident (even if just outwardly) people respond to it.

Yes, this is what I was trying to say. I had nobody to tell me I was clever/pretty etc so I ended up not needing anyone to tell me. I am very realistic about my strengths and weaknesses but I don’t beat myself up about the areas I could improve in either. I believe in myself and that’s enough for me. Praise from other people is just a bonus not a necessity

I’ve always had high self esteem . In my case it was from having parents that bought us up to believe we could achieve whatever we wanted to and I think from being bought up around horses . I always extol the virtues of horses for children with self esteem issues , they are great listeners and really seem to boost confidence in all aspects of life .

Mine, I feel, has grown from knowing that I am good at certain things (my job, my hobbies) and that with practise I can improve on anything if I have an interest in doing so. I also feel that a strong, positive relationship with my husband and a good network of people I can turn to if I need help has added to it. Knowing that people come to my house because they choose to, because they enjoy my company, has made me realise that I must be a decent person.

My job. Turned out I was pretty good at it.

Masking it and a lot of 'fake it til you make it' here to be honest.
Having supportive family & friends and working with people who appreciate me & my efforts (all reciprocated too of course). And working very hard to remove negative people from my life.
Good luck.