If you've got self esteem, where did you get it?

[Iloveyourbracelet]

I could really do with some! Long history of anxiety and depression, stemming from abusive childhood. I never had any self esteem as a child. I got quite close when i had CBT as an adult but it didn't last. I never really believe im worth taking any notice of so consequently nobody does and i feel pretty invisible most of the time. I don't know what to do about it really. I suffer really badly with imposter syndrome too.

So if you really like/are proud of/believe in yourself and have self esteem - how did you get it and how can i?! Have you always been like it or did you learn to do it?

Sertraline.

Honestly? Peri menopause I had heard you run out of fucks to give regarding how other people view you in peri (and it's been absolutely true for me) but I didn't expect the way I viewed myself to change, and it very definitely has. I think stopping making excuses for other people's shit behaviour has made me realise that, actually, I'm pretty fucking fantastic! I'm honest about my failings but they don't compare to some of the shitty things I've seen and experienced other people do, I think I've just realised it actually doesn't take that much to be a good person and I'm already good enough.

Hey Iloveyourbracelet I had been going to post a similar question! I am hamstrung by my lack of self-esteem. Abusive childhood, no supportive family, then a few "free" years, when quite honestly I did amazing things, then an emotionally abusive marriage which has truly broken me. I'm embarrassed to meet people from my "free years" because I'm a shell of who I was. It got to the point where I didn't bother to see anybody because what could I even have to say that could be worth anything. I and I'm still not out of yet, but I've at least realised I'm being (have been) destroyed rather than it's all just that I'm a waste of space.

I started listening to self-esteem books on audible. Any and all. Doesn't matter. I live a life with no positive feedback (I'm not working so no chance there - what could I do that anybody would pay me for?). Anyway, I found that hearing positive voices talking about patterns of self-esteem I recognise and how to make changes has given me hope. I'm not overnight confident! But I do think it replaces a little of what those people with supportive partners have on tap. I don't like affirmations (because I don't have the self-esteem to believe them! 😂) but I think they're helpful for some people. So these self-help books are good because they contain some rationale and explanation of patterns that I recognise, so can trust.

I think that people who have supportive childhoods and then supportive partners have absolutely no idea what it's like to live without that. I have a friend like that and she went on a course for her hobby for one week that was remote. It was a challenging course. She couldn't contact her husband to chat everyday and she said by the end of the week she suddenly realised that's what my life must be like and she couldn't believe I managed to do it! I smiled but one week?! And she wasn't even having daily negative feedback on her character plus capabilities!

I say that because there's nothing wrong with you for having low self-esteem given your life history. It's normal given the circumstances, not a sign of being defective. However, we can feel better about ourselves. While it's infuriating to me that I have to spend years working on it and others just carry on being loved and supported for no good reason (as in they also didn't choose the family they were born into), at least things can start feeling better. And when things are bad, it actually doesn't take much for that!!

@iloveyourbracelet I'm sorry your childhood was tough & that it has affected your self belief & esteem
I have pretty good esteem most of The time but it can lapse & lead me to second guess myself & I actively work on that when it happens.

I am academically bright & the first in my family to go to university. I come from a background of butchers, shop keepers, factory workers & housewives. I was expected to go to school but if i'd decided to leave at 16 to work in a local warehouse or train to be a hairdresser that would have been totally fine at home.

In fact my own choices were the controversial or challenging ones for my parents because I decided I wanted to go to the top university in my country.

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 we were in that city & drove past the university & they pointed it out as in 'look there's xxx and I said that's where I'm going to go & they laughed. Laughed in a don't be so ridiculous way. And my mother said something along the lines that places like that were not for people like me.

I remember sitting in the back seat with my cheeks burning with humiliation- I had revealed some thing of myself & it had been ridiculed.

I can clearly remember thinking 'I'll show them. That IS where I'm going'. And it was.

I went to a very mediocre secondary school of no outstanding academic merit & met with pretty much the same attitude there. I was encouraged to apply for less difficult to get into colleges but I held my conviction & refused to put anything other than my top choice down on the application forms.

I got into that university & my parents were proud (& baffled by my career / subject choice which was also a far cry from my daily world) I did well & have several post grad qualifications now & have an excellent career in the field I chose all those years ago. I'm now in my 50s

That day in the car has stayed in my heart my whole life since. My parents would have zero memory of it if I said it to them now & they're not bad people. They were shaped by the limitations of their own experiences etc they were also very young having me

I don't know where my inner strength/ conviction came from other than it being almost a knee jerk reaction to being told I can't do something

I would have loved someone championing me but never actually had it in childhood

Education has been the key to everything for me & achieving on my own merits what I have has bolstered my own sense of worth / merit

In work I some times feel like I'm doing a terrible job as another problem to solve surfaces. But I now actively tale a mental step back & allow myself time to process what ever needs to be tackled & work out a plan. I think back over other problems I've successfully resolved & I actually tell myself i can do it.

Just for info. I had a good childhood up to 5 when parents divorced. My brother was chronically ill with asthma and almost died twice when I was young. I had a lazy eye and long sight which needed glasses so it seemed both kids were at hospital a lot! Because I was teased in school due to glasses that made me more introverted. My mum was also a single mum though we had my stepdad from age 5.
It’s tricky how to give a child with long sight confidence as I couldn’t do gymnastics well. I did do ballet though and horse riding. But I never enjoyed them that much, just did them. I preferred swimming which I was good at. If I knew then or in my 20s what I knew now then I’d encourage myself to have belief in what I enjoyed and gain self esteem.

Funnily enough and I wouldn’t suggest this but in my 20s I made a great friend and we went out clubbing a lot with friends, took ecstasy. That did wonders for my self esteem as I was doing what other people did, wearing trendy flattering clothes, was slim and fit and I had fun!

I read the Confidence Code by Katty Kay. You can work on your confidence, it’s not a static thing.

I give myself Gold Stars, literally gold shiny stickers - no one else is going to give them to me. I write long lists if the stuff I am good at or have dealt with well.

Don’t talk to yourself like crap - I have tried to change the way I talk to myself eg “come on, time to get up now Comtesse, you’re going to be great today” and not “you are such a lazy arse, can’t even do that right, God you are so weak”.

How old are you, OP?

My answer to your question: the passage of time. The older I get, the greater my self esteem. The difference between now and ten years ago is immense. I honestly know I’m good at certain things, that I have a lot to offer as a friend/wife/mother and that I am loved by many people, things I didn’t dare believe when I was younger. It makes me sad for my teenage/20s self, but I’m thriving in my 40s!

I do have a very supportive husband who thinks I'm great & tells me all the time how proud he is of me. That has been hugely healing & has allowed me to take even more risks & stretch myself all the whike knowing he loves me & will love it when if I fail

I find it excruciating to fail & put myself under enormous pressure as a consequence

I am secretly hugely envious of friends who have families who encouraged & supported them but it is what it is & over the years I've tried to make peace with that

I.am really sorry for those of you who didn't have good childhoods & then found yourselves in abusive relationships . That is so hard & I wish you all the very very best . You are strong, resilient, incredible people to get through all of that & still be standing. That's not nothing

I'm 37. My dh is great and he tells me positive things all the time i but i don't believe him. I put other people first all the time and if i do something even slightly "wrong"... for example , if i don't say thank you enough/the right way/convincingly enough, i worry someone will be upset with me. Someone being upset with me is the worst thing that can happen from an anxiety viewpoint because that was the danger zone as a child. So i learnt very young to put other people's emotions and needs before my own. I've explored a lot of this in therapy but it wears off after a time.

Thank you so much for all your responses, they're all helpful and I'm going to reread the thread carefully and take a look at the suggested books.

Also, growing up my parents rarely told me they loved me. Or complimented me or praised me. I had a stable, secure childhood but my parents just weren't the type. Even on our wedding day, my Mum couldn't bring herself to say I looked nice (and I looked like a fucking goddess).

So I've always made sure to praise our DDs often (when appropriate) and I tell them I love them very day. They've grown up knowing that we love them, and that we genuinely really like them as people.

Mine sky-rocketed when I went low-communication with my parents. Still saw them but entirely on my terms and would just calmly leave the room as soon as any bullying or vitriol started. I was amazed by how significant this single action was.

The other thing is to act as if - that's not quite fake it till you make it - you don't want to fake self-esteem. But if you know the behaviour of people with healthy self esteem and self-compassion, then just copy it.

Basics like: self care - good hygiene and fitness and diet. Nice living space. Saying no to commitments that would drain you. Withdrawing from 'friendships' that are one way drains. Developing friendships with people who treat you as an equal.

I'm in a similar position to you OP. Emotionally neglected childhood. when your own parents don't take much notice of you why would anybody else?

Other siblings who took me for granted and I let them (well with neglectful parents you need somebody even if they treat you like a doormat) A particularly horrible sister who was as damaging as the parents.

So, I'm working on myself. Setting boundaries as to how I will be treated. I'm doing affirmations, on the Think Up App you can record your own. I tell myself I love me. It feels weird. I have to work on that horrible critic in my head who even when I'm going out and getting ready, putting on make up says 'why bother, nobody will look at you'. But I'm doing it for me.

Counselling, (so I know it wasn't my fault and I'm damaged and acknowledging it) lots of tapping therapy to rewire my brain. Lots of reading - I'm reading Running On Empty. I also like Dr Sherrie Campbell who writes about Toxic Families. I'm also interested in manifesting, which is about changing the way you view the world. Genevieve Davis books are good if you want to explore that but there are loads.

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. I run, I enjoy exercise. I'm cutting out the wine and destructive behaviour which spiral into a self eaten pity party.

Learning a new skill, doing a course. Taking care of your appearance. Taking time for self care because YOU are worth it. These all help with self esteem. Nurture those relationships that make you feel good and cut those ones that don't. Acknowledging that you are human with all the quirks and it's ok to mess up.

I do feel like I'm making a change. I'm mid 50s so I feel like I haven't time to waste.

I saw something recently about when people say or you feel yourself, 'what's wrong with you' , reframing that to 'what have you been through' Powerful stuff.

@Comtesse I love the idea of gold stars!

I'm going to do that 😊

Yoga. Almost everyday for 16 years. Bit of therapy ( two bouts, maybe six months each to help me make sense of some behaviours / responses that I didn’t understand). But mainly yoga.

I think from being really genuinely loved alongside high expectations.

My parents were strict, pushy and demanding, but we always always knew we were loved and that that was unconditional, alongside an expectation that we could and would do anything we put our minds to.

I was always quietly confident in my ability, not so much my appearance. Then I had a husband who really loved me and made me feel beautiful even though I'm not by any conventional measure.

More recently I've gained confidence because I'm on my own, having to get on with things and discovering I can actually do it!

Pure luck really.

I was chatting with DS today about our family not being neuro-typical and he said he and DH just accepted it which makes life so much easier. I think he's right. When I finally realised that having ADHD and life long depression were valid reasons for me struggling in comparison with neuro-typical people, I started to feel much more cheerful about what I do achieve, despite these drawbacks.

That shift in mindset from 'You loser-idiot, how can't you manage to work full-time/ achieve set goals? ' to 'despite all this, you have built up a part time job you adore that pays well' is a massive shift in self-esteem. That could apply to any area of life - relationships, friends, education, fitness. Focus on what you have done, despite hurdles, not what you have failed to do.

How you frame yourself in relation to what life has thrown at you is an important part of self-esteem, I think, especially if you weren't encouraged in childhood.

I was very loved as a child but in my teens I just sort of realised that the only person who was responsible for my happiness was me. I've had a few knock backs and challenges to overcome through the years starting when my father was beaten up and my family lost a lot of money, through to the loss of a baby and my divorce in my 40s but I always knew I would get myself through somehow. I'm self critical but I try to forgive myself - we all make mistakes or could do better. The past is the past. We cannot change it.

And I've always had an urge to live, explore and enjoy my friendships and those I love. We only have one life and mine is more than half over so I might as well try to enjoy it. Its gone so quickly.

It’s sad that so many people are saying it’s to do with parents. My parents have always DONE so much for me but literally just don’t say it. I know they love me because of the ridiculous amount they do for me but they just wouldn’t tell me and I think it’s taken 30 years but I’ve eventually worked out that’s what I’m lacking. Not only that they are quite negative and not very encouraging when I come up with a new idea to try for my business for example. I just want them to say you’ve done great. I think the worst of it is when you have no self esteem you can’t do any of these things for other people either so I’m them on repeat 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Barefootinthecarpark

My dad. He made me feel as though I could do anything. Simple as that.

Me too 😊

I just do my best.
I know I do my best to be kind, caring, empathetic, work hard, be a good wife, mother and all the other things I care about.
I know I’m doing my best to juggle all those things as well as I can and it is what it is after that. I’m proud I’m doing what I can and if I’m not as good as someone else then I’m not as good.
Maybe they’re not juggling the same things I am with the same resources so it’s not a fair comparison. Maybe they are but maybe they aren’t trying their best. Or maybe they are and I can just respect them without feeling worse about myself. If I’m doing my best there’s no much more I can do so I have a sense of peace with that and I’m proud of myself for that.

Mine came with age OP. I hit 40 and I stopped caring about a lot of things to do with me.My confidence rose through the years and at 50 now i am truly at peace with me, I look back and see the mistakes I made,I see the stuff I perceived as failings and weakness and see they were not really,they were the ties that shaped me, I know now I can rely on me and only me if I have to,I trust myself that when I need to make a judgement call it might not be perfect but its ok and enough, I see people now struggling with things I used to and I know they will be ok ,they don;t and they can;t or won;t listen but I have been there and seen it and dealt with it so I know its going to be fine for them. I like me imperfections and all. I would advise you try to look at yourself as others see you,all your family all your friends who love you and value you ,,they can;t all be wrong!! You are valued,you are special and you are needed and wanted ..let that sink in and cherish it. You will start to filter out the white noise of life and a contentent will follow, Then your self esteem will shine,

I definitely think aging helps. When I was younger superficial things like how I looked seemed much more important to me. Now I realise although those things are nice they don’t really matter in the big scheme of things. I know that I am a totally average person but that is ok, I don’t have to be extraordinary. I genuinely like myself as I’ve got older and I think that’s the key and my ‘inner voice’ is never critical it’s always encouraging telling me I’m doing the best I can. Talk to yourself as if you were a friend or someone you cared about deeply. Also don’t compare yourself to others, I’ve realised no one has the perfect life even if it seems like it from the outside looking in. You are enough.

@Ululavit

Parents and school. Not that vapid ‘you can do anything, reach for the stars’ crap, but knowing they saw in me someone worth listening to, supporting and challenging.

Also from my parents, that they trusted me enough to let me make my own mistakes, pick myself up, dust myself off and try again, but that if everything went absolutely pear-shaped, they would be there for me without question.

I had the very opposite :( I was encouraged to reach for the stars while at the same time not being listened to and not being allowed to make my own mistakes.

@Iloveyourbracelet

I'm 37. My dh is great and he tells me positive things all the time i but i don't believe him. I put other people first all the time and if i do something even slightly "wrong"... for example , if i don't say thank you enough/the right way/convincingly enough, i worry someone will be upset with me. Someone being upset with me is the worst thing that can happen from an anxiety viewpoint because that was the danger zone as a child. So i learnt very young to put other people's emotions and needs before my own. I've explored a lot of this in therapy but it wears off after a time.

Thank you so much for all your responses, they're all helpful and I'm going to reread the thread carefully and take a look at the suggested books.

I hope it goes well for you OP I could have written your post (except age and therapy)! I have to keep reminding myself that I have needs too and it is ok for my needs to be met, and that I am responsible for my own happiness and not theirs. Or to put it another way: don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!