Would you judge me harshly?

[DetailMouse]

I lost DH less than a year ago, he'd been terminally ill for a long time so some of the grieving had already started.

This coincided with things opening back up and suddenly young adult DC were out and about a lot, when I'd been used to having them at home.

Anyway, the whole thing was really hard. I felt (although rational me knew it wasn't true) that I lost my DC at the same time as DH. I tried really hard not to project on to them and was largely successful, I tried to enjoy the fact that they were finally able to live a bit and not to be needy.

I set about making myself an active new life and enjoying the freedom of no longer being a carer. I missed DH terribly but tried to keep busy. I grieved for the future plans we'd had, as well as for him.

So within a few weeks of his death, I took the decision that I would say yes to each and every social invitation I got. It was a good plan, I've got to know a lot of people who were previously in the "acquaintances" bracket and generally, I've enjoyed life. There have naturally been periods of intense sadness, but I don't know what's to be achieved by inflicting that on the people around me and I've made an effort to be good company when I'm out.

Also, they say you find out who your friends are and that has certainly been true. Some of the people I would have expected to be "there" have practically disappeared, so these new friends have been very welcome.

So in the last few months I've

• been on holiday
• danced the night away, once with a single male friend more usually in a group.
• been to lots of sporting events as a spectator both with one friend and as a group. Sometimes but not always male - friends who enjoy sport do tend to be predominantly male.
• participated in sports events and enjoyed the social afterwards - mixed groups
• spent several happy evenings in the pub 121 with men and women and in mixed groups.
• watched a number of bands with a mixed group, once in an all male group
• joined a hiking group

My weekends are always full and I'm enjoying life despite everything.

Anyway, a friend (one of the old ones!), recently made some comment about me "getting about a bit". I have been, it's been deliberate and TBH I'm quite proud of myself and the effort it's taken to do it and not be a burden on family and friends, but I got the impression it was not a compliment!

FWIW not one of the men has made any sort of pass at me, they've been kind and fun and never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Because of my sporting interests, I do seem to know a lot of men!

If you were watching me from afar, would you be thinking I was enjoying life too soon?

No. I'd be in awe of your mental stamina after such a big loss and I'd support you fully. Well done OP. You sound fab.

Absolutely not. I'd guess at your plan and admire you for it. I'm sorry for your loss. I think you're attitude is just right.

Of course not! Life is for living!

No. I would think good for you. You deserve happiness and often the best thing for out mental health is to get out and about. I suspect your ‘friend’ is jealous.

When I opened this thread I was expecting you to say your husband died a year ago and you were already planning your next marriage not I’ve been socialising. You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

No I would absolutely admire you for finding a new life after so much pain.

Definitely not. Bet your DH would want you to live, wouldn't he.

Absolutely not. You go girl. Some people are just close minded and judgmental. Ignore them and carry on. You know how you feel inside and you must miss him x

I would be applauding you, your old "friend" sounds like a judgemental cow.

As your friend, I would totally admire you. As I stranger on the internet I totally admire you! Sorry for your loss.

A friend did something similar after her dm died, yes to everything. She never stayed put. I thought she was amazing

I say you are doing brilliantly. Anyone who is judging you for simply enjoying your life can go do one. Would they only be happy if you stay in mourning forever? Fuck them.

You sound as though you have taken a great approach. People can have a weird attitude to bereavement can't they?

I certainly wouldn't judge you and would be happy you had found an approach that allows you to live your life happily while still acknowleging what you have lost. I'm sorry your DH died.

No you sound incredible sensible.

When I was much younger I was travelling around Europe and I met a lovely older lady - probably pensioner age roughly. She told me that her and her husband had always loved to travel together but sadly he had died. She said she continued to travel because she loved it and she knew he would want her to continue and want her to be happy.

I thought this was lovely.

I assume your partner would also want you to be happy and think you are doing the right thing. And your “friend” is a cow.

No absolutely would not judge you negatively, my mum did the same thing though she sadly passed away far too soon.

You should be admired not judged. It takes incredible strength and stamina to face each new day after a loss, you're doing well based on what you wrote.
Is your friend a bit dim? I have only ever known the phrase "getting about a bit" to mean someone is a shagger, perhaps she means strictly in a social sense?

I would be so happy for my friend that she was doing so well, and living life to the full. Whilst it feels like the world has ended when you loose someone close, life carries on. You are showing your DC how strong you are, seeing you happy will make them happy. The 'friend' sounds jealous, please pay no attention to her and carry on enjoying yourself

Ditch the "friend"... you're an inspiration x

God no. I don't judge you at all.

I think that the person you thought was your friend has a "romantic" idea of the grieving widow, closeted away and needing consolation and support, and you have deprived her of the opportunity to demonstrate what a compassionate friend she could have been to you in your hour of need.

I admire you! You know that life is short and you are making the most of it.
If you were my friend I would be really pleased for you and would be asking to tag along!

Grief is very personal with no rules and no guidebook. Do what works for you.

If you were watching me from afar, would you be thinking I was enjoying life too soon?

Not in the slightest. I'd be fan-girling you for doing so bloody well!

Definitely no judgement, if anything I wish my dad had done the same when mum died.

I'm judging someone in that OP, and its not the person who wrote it.

I would see you as a strong person who has witnessed firsthand that life can be cut short and that you are going to make the most of your own life with your cup half full rather than half empty now that your husband is no longer here.

I would be in awe of your strength, but also perhaps a little concerned you were keeping busy to avoid facing things. I would be in no way judging you though, just cheering you on and supporting you however I could

Oh and I sold the huge car that was DH's pride and joy but which I always hated and never really learned to drive and bought myself a little sporty number. Some people seem really offended by that.

Thanks all. I've had to accept that "our" life is gone and work out what I want "my" life to look like.

We should have, early, retired within a couple of years and had lots of trips planned. I probably won't do those trips without him, but I hope to find something else.