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Original poster

Would you judge me harshly?

107 replies

DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 11:58

I lost DH less than a year ago, he'd been terminally ill for a long time so some of the grieving had already started.

This coincided with things opening back up and suddenly young adult DC were out and about a lot, when I'd been used to having them at home.

Anyway, the whole thing was really hard. I felt (although rational me knew it wasn't true) that I lost my DC at the same time as DH. I tried really hard not to project on to them and was largely successful, I tried to enjoy the fact that they were finally able to live a bit and not to be needy.

I set about making myself an active new life and enjoying the freedom of no longer being a carer. I missed DH terribly but tried to keep busy. I grieved for the future plans we'd had, as well as for him.

So within a few weeks of his death, I took the decision that I would say yes to each and every social invitation I got. It was a good plan, I've got to know a lot of people who were previously in the "acquaintances" bracket and generally, I've enjoyed life. There have naturally been periods of intense sadness, but I don't know what's to be achieved by inflicting that on the people around me and I've made an effort to be good company when I'm out.

Also, they say you find out who your friends are and that has certainly been true. Some of the people I would have expected to be "there" have practically disappeared, so these new friends have been very welcome.

So in the last few months I've

  • been on holiday
  • danced the night away, once with a single male friend more usually in a group.
  • been to lots of sporting events as a spectator both with one friend and as a group. Sometimes but not always male - friends who enjoy sport do tend to be predominantly male.
  • participated in sports events and enjoyed the social afterwards - mixed groups
  • spent several happy evenings in the pub 121 with men and women and in mixed groups.
  • watched a number of bands with a mixed group, once in an all male group
  • joined a hiking group

My weekends are always full and I'm enjoying life despite everything.

Anyway, a friend (one of the old ones!), recently made some comment about me "getting about a bit". I have been, it's been deliberate and TBH I'm quite proud of myself and the effort it's taken to do it and not be a burden on family and friends, but I got the impression it was not a compliment!

FWIW not one of the men has made any sort of pass at me, they've been kind and fun and never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Because of my sporting interests, I do seem to know a lot of men!

If you were watching me from afar, would you be thinking I was enjoying life too soon?

OP posts:
Original poster
DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 12:53

@Marmite27

If I was your friend I’d be a little worried that you were using all the outings as a diversion to ignore your grief, but I’d never say anything. I’d just be supportive.
Yes, I worry about this too and enery now and then I have a week where I'm fit for nothing, but no one sees that.
OP posts:
grapewines · 22/03/2022 12:53

You are free to do whatever the hell you please. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Agree. You're living your life. People who judge you aren't friends.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/03/2022 12:56

My dad died suddenly when I was an older child and DB at university. DM's friends took her under their wings and kept her busy in the same way that you are OP. DM seemed to get younger. After a couple of years she began to dabble with dating although never found someone to commit to a serious relationship with.

This isn't the Victorian era and we're free to grieve and adjust our lives as and when we want.

bloodywhitecat · 22/03/2022 12:58

I don't judge you, I admire you. I am a year behind your journey and, at the moment, I don't want to be in this life without him. I hope I can get to where you are now.

mistermagpie · 22/03/2022 12:59

God no. I'd be really impressed and 'proud' (in a non patronising way!) of you if you were my friend. Life is for living and good for you for grasping it by the balls in the wake of some pretty shitty times.

Sofasogood1 · 22/03/2022 13:04

@DetailMouse

Actually, in the interests of transparency, I've just remembered I did a couple of theatre trips with men (two different men) that probably looked like dates from the outside, but absolutely weren't to those who were there!
Interests of transparency? You don't owe anyone an explanation of anything, why do you think you do?
Xpologog · 22/03/2022 13:12

No, and I was widowed nearly 11 years ago. I was part of an online widows message boards and one continued piece of advice was accept every invite. It’s too easy to stay at home alone.
I also understand your description of the grieving already started before your DH passed.
Have fun, go out, make friends, see new places. None of us know when this will end —- through illness, disability, death or poverty so enjoy life while you can.

AwayInMyMind · 22/03/2022 13:15

Absolutely not. I'd be one of the friends you were out with.

Life is incredibly short.

NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 13:19

100% not. I think good for you. Friend sounds jealous and judgey

godmum56 · 22/03/2022 13:21

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

I'm judging someone in that OP, and its not the person who wrote it.
yup. this. That "friend" is no friend. I hope you told that "friend" that the comment sounded like jealousy
godmum56 · 22/03/2022 13:24

@Marmite27

If I was your friend I’d be a little worried that you were using all the outings as a diversion to ignore your grief, but I’d never say anything. I’d just be supportive.
That "friend" is not the grief police and its none of their business to comment. Why should someone not "ignore" or displace their grief if that is what brings them comfort.
Southlandssue · 22/03/2022 13:27

Let me pass on the advice that my wise Dad used to give to everyone who experienced the death of a partner and based on his experience of my Mum’s death “do it your way”. It worked for him and seems to be working for his second wife too, after his own death.

He also set himself the challenge of accepting every invitation.

I would worry as a friend that you maybe “running” from grief but that only means that I would make sure I was ready to be there for you if and when that might be needed.

IndigoSkye · 22/03/2022 13:44

No, I think this says far more about your 'friend' than it does of you.

Cakesnbiscuit · 22/03/2022 13:55

Nope, a family member died from motor neurone and if his wife had done what you did I would be so impressive and happy.

Don’t listen to who ever made that comment they seem to come across jealous that your so busy.

I say good on you, why not. You have had a shit draw the cards and trying to make the most of a bad situation.

I think your really strong 💐

ChurchlightJane · 22/03/2022 13:56

You sound like a bloody marvellous woman and you deserve to be as happy as you can be for the rest of your life. Nobody else has the right to judge you and if they were a true friend they would be happy to see you trying to live, not merely exists following your loss.

Coyoacan · 22/03/2022 14:04

Well done OP. As for the criticism, if women are constantly judged, widows even more so. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

A friend of mine was being told that she should be over her grief three days after her husband died and then the exact same people criticised her for getting on with her life six months later.

Walkingthedog46 · 22/03/2022 14:08

I admire you OP for having the courage, strength and get-up-and-go to seek to carve a new life for yourself whilst still obviously grieving for your husband and the future with him that you have lost. What would your friend have rather you did - sit at home alone for the rest of your life? Please ignore comments from you old friend. You sound like a lovely person.

NeedWineNow · 22/03/2022 14:15

First off I'm so very sorry for your loss, but secondly I am full of admiration as to how you are getting on with life. No-one has the right to tell you how and when to grieve and for how long. I can't imagine your DH would want you to either.

I think you're fantastic OP. Oh, and by the way, ditch the jealous 'friend'.

NeneValleyGirl · 22/03/2022 14:32

No, I’d feel inspired by your positivity and would remember how you dealt with your grief recovery if I ever came to be in that position in life.

DelilahBucket · 22/03/2022 14:36

Are you supposed to spend the rest of your life sat at home in your PJ's alone?! I don't mean that candidly, I can't possibly imagine what it has been like for you to lose your husband. Good for you forcing yourself to get out. Nevermind judging, I would be there by your side inviting you out. Sounds like that is a "friend" you are better off without.

JenNtonic · 22/03/2022 14:36

You’re amazing x

CookieMunch · 22/03/2022 14:41

Is your friend usually kind? It feels quite harsh what she’s said? There’s nothing wrong with what you are doing in the slightest. Imagine if you start dating what will this ‘friend’ say? She/he is very judgey to say this to you

EarringsandLipstick · 22/03/2022 14:43

I think you sound amazing OP.

You are wise to the fact that your grief is still there and will mean you have sad / tough days & weeks, at times.

You are so self-aware in terms of your DC too - you sound like a great mum.

And you are doing what you can to live life, feel & experience new things and find moments of happiness.

I would almost guarantee that 'friend' spoke from a place of insecurity or (I know this sounds odd) jealousy in some way

A friend of mine is going through a horrendous loss right now. By virtue of the type of person she is, she's doing incredible stuff - organising everything, getting back to work, meeting people. She also has days of complete anguish. When I met her recently, I had a flicker of frustration that I hadn't her dynamism & drive (before rapidly reminding myself of the tragedy she is trying to cope with).

cumonilean · 22/03/2022 14:53

Your journey your way. End of. You owe nobody an explanation. If you and your DC are happy that's all that matters x

Hugasauras · 22/03/2022 14:59

Bloody good for you, OP. Life is for living, and I'm sure your DH would be delighted to see you seizing opportunities and having fun. You deserve it.

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