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Original poster

Would you judge me harshly?

107 replies

DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 11:58

I lost DH less than a year ago, he'd been terminally ill for a long time so some of the grieving had already started.

This coincided with things opening back up and suddenly young adult DC were out and about a lot, when I'd been used to having them at home.

Anyway, the whole thing was really hard. I felt (although rational me knew it wasn't true) that I lost my DC at the same time as DH. I tried really hard not to project on to them and was largely successful, I tried to enjoy the fact that they were finally able to live a bit and not to be needy.

I set about making myself an active new life and enjoying the freedom of no longer being a carer. I missed DH terribly but tried to keep busy. I grieved for the future plans we'd had, as well as for him.

So within a few weeks of his death, I took the decision that I would say yes to each and every social invitation I got. It was a good plan, I've got to know a lot of people who were previously in the "acquaintances" bracket and generally, I've enjoyed life. There have naturally been periods of intense sadness, but I don't know what's to be achieved by inflicting that on the people around me and I've made an effort to be good company when I'm out.

Also, they say you find out who your friends are and that has certainly been true. Some of the people I would have expected to be "there" have practically disappeared, so these new friends have been very welcome.

So in the last few months I've

  • been on holiday
  • danced the night away, once with a single male friend more usually in a group.
  • been to lots of sporting events as a spectator both with one friend and as a group. Sometimes but not always male - friends who enjoy sport do tend to be predominantly male.
  • participated in sports events and enjoyed the social afterwards - mixed groups
  • spent several happy evenings in the pub 121 with men and women and in mixed groups.
  • watched a number of bands with a mixed group, once in an all male group
  • joined a hiking group

My weekends are always full and I'm enjoying life despite everything.

Anyway, a friend (one of the old ones!), recently made some comment about me "getting about a bit". I have been, it's been deliberate and TBH I'm quite proud of myself and the effort it's taken to do it and not be a burden on family and friends, but I got the impression it was not a compliment!

FWIW not one of the men has made any sort of pass at me, they've been kind and fun and never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Because of my sporting interests, I do seem to know a lot of men!

If you were watching me from afar, would you be thinking I was enjoying life too soon?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 22/03/2022 15:30

No judgement at all.
What you're doing is far healthier.
Your friend doesn't see the times when you're alone and cry and grieve and frankly it's none of her business.

SmallChange11 · 22/03/2022 15:31

I wouldn't judge you one tiny bit op! Your "friend" doesn't sound very pleasant.
Everyone copes with grief in different ways and if you were my friend I would back you 100 per cent Thanks

CharSiu · 22/03/2022 15:39

My sister was married for 43 years, her DH had cancer for close to 3 years. After he died she got a PT job and took dancing classes and joined a poetry group. She met a lovely man at the poetry group, she wasn’t looking. One of her children was awful about it but has now calmed down. I’m incredibly glad my sister has a life that’s fulfilling.

vitahelp · 22/03/2022 16:17

No I definitely wouldn't judge, rather I would feel happy for you.

SoftPillow · 22/03/2022 16:26

No judgement here.

The two people that I know who have lost a partner unexpectedly early have both thrown themselves into keeping busy, socialising and generally doing things.

It's worked well for them and I wouldn't dare to judge at what must be a terribly challenging time.

In both cases they eased off after 2yrs and slowed the pace slightly

shiningstar2 · 22/03/2022 16:27

You are amazing. You have coped with so much and I know from others how hard it is to pick yourself up after the loss of a life partner. Take care of yourself op and do things at your own pace. Sadly the life you envisaged with your dh has gone, but you can still have a happy, fulfilling life and I'm sure that is what you husband would have wanted for you Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2022 16:29

I have nothing but respect for you and I applaud you for your bravery

RobotValkyrie · 22/03/2022 16:59

You're doing the right thing. And if/when you decide to start dating again, you'll be doing the right thing too.

Grief is hard. I find that living your best life, in memory of loved ones who no longer have that chance, is the very best way to honour them.

Newyearnewme2022 · 22/03/2022 17:11

No judgement at all, would your ‘friend’ rather you alone and sad at home than out and about meeting new people and having fun?
She’s no friend.

CloudPop · 22/03/2022 17:24

Good for you 🙌 sending best wishes

Thenose · 22/03/2022 17:43

Absolutely not. I'd be highly impressed by and glad for you. I can also imagine the relief your adult children probably feel as a result of you being able to manage your loss the way you have.

Perhaps it was just clumsy articulation, and your friend wasn't judging you negatively. You deserve to enjoy your life. If someone thinks badly of you for going to the theatre and hurting absolutely no one, they should piss right off!

freshcarnation · 22/03/2022 17:56

Bloody good for you

Original poster
DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 18:07

Friend is someone I would always have said was kind actually, but I've come to realise that she's not so interested now I'm the one who needs support.

She also judges my drinking! I honestly don't drink that much, only ever at weekends and not even every weekend, but she thinks it's odd that anyone want to do "that" to themselves and my new social life has involved some (moderate) drunkeness Grin

She's not particularly happy in her own marriage and I do wonder if there's a bit of jealousy Sad

OP posts:
notacooldad · 22/03/2022 18:10

If any of my friend's made a comment about me 'getting out a bit' I would have said " I know!, isnt it marvellous!! And left it there.

As for judging you, why would I? Your leading your life not mine.

PlantPhoenix · 22/03/2022 18:11

Not at all. My husband is terminally ill. I completely understand advance grief. I admire you, and hope that I have the fortitude to do similar when the time comes (although it sounds like our children are a little younger), enjoy your life. You deserve it.

onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 22/03/2022 18:21

When my dad died after a long horrible illness my mum took a few months to gather herself and then started going out and about, on holidays and trips with her siblings. She'd put so much of her life on hold to care for him, and for my dying grandparents before that that she more than deserved to have a bit of a life again. If anyone had judged her I'd have been really cross. She said something along the lines of that she could either sit crying in the corner for all she had lost or get out there and live for them - I really liked that!

You sound amazing op, she doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh Thanks

lemongreentea · 22/03/2022 18:26

you sound amazing OP. wish more people were like you.
your friend sounds jealous/judgemental of you

CPL593H · 22/03/2022 18:27

I was widowed fairly young and the one piece of advice I give to others who are in the same boat is if someone tells you you are "widowing" wrong because you are trying to remake your life, bloody ignore them. They are inevitably people who have not had the experience.

Many years ago, I was having tests for something quite serious. Che Guevara apparently said (as he faced his firing squad) to tell his wife to marry again and be happy, if she could. That always struck me as a great thing to do. I talked about it with my husband and left him in no doubt that I would want him to be OK and to go on with his life. He agreed and said "You know I would want the same for you". He went first but the memory of that conversation gave me great comfort. I'm sure though, even if it is not articulated, that is what people who loved you would want.

My old grandmother used to say "You honour the dead by taking care of the living". The living includes you Flowers

Bellyups · 22/03/2022 18:28

No. I admire you. Flowers

SaggyBlinders · 22/03/2022 18:31

Your friend sounds jealous.

I think good for you OP! Life is for living! Well done on building your own life and social circle up and not becoming reliant on your children for social and emotional support.

Ohyesiam · 22/03/2022 18:35

You sound great. I like your attitude towards yourself and life, and I love how you gave up to a challenge. I think if I meet you I would definitely want to be friends with you.
Your friend on the other hand… I feel Angry on your behalf.

Whoopsmahoot · 22/03/2022 18:51

I admit at one time I might have judged. Now, bit older and wiser I’d admire your resilience. Your grieving started a long time ago and no one should judge you. Life is hard enough. Make the best of it.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2022 18:55

I think what you’ve been through demonstrates perfectly that life really is too short. Good for you OP, brava!

Shgytfgtf111 · 24/03/2022 13:12

No! Definitely not!

unfortunately when someone is terminally ill you have to prepare for the eventuality of what will happen so when it does you have started to prepare for it as opposed to someone dying suddenly and you get stuck in a state of shock for a long time.

And if anyone does think that, they can mind their own bloody business!

YoComoManzanas · 24/03/2022 13:16

No and your old friend sounds jealous and not very friendly. I would distance myself from her.
Love the idea of judging your friendships on how friendly they are to you.
No more headrace on this blip.