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Original poster

Another baby at 38+? Already have a teenager, but not ready for the looming empty nest

98 replies

PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 10:50

Hi,

Honestly, my brain is fried with all the weighing up with this decision. I just don't know what to do!

Already have a teenager who could very well be off to uni by the time another baby comes along. Is that just madness?! Is it fair on them? Given the mega age gap, would they feel like we were basically starting a new family?

I am broody beyond belief and can't imagine having an empty nest at 40, which is more than possible.

On the flip side, dp and I could have all the freedom we wanted and are lucky enough to be financially comfortable, so could really take advantage of that.

The thing is though, when I imagine doing all that, I don't really feel excitement, just a bit empty and sad that we won't have little ones to experience it with.

Dp has very much been on team "freedom" but has now switched to team baby and I can't commit to either. I am completely split down the middle and an eternal procrastinator. I don't have time for that, let's face it. I'm not far off 38.

I'm pretty sure if I ask friends, they'll just say go for it, but I'd like some completely impartial opinions, which is why I'm here.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 21/03/2022 10:53

Don't do it. It's the start of your peri menopausal hormones running riot.

MsTSwift · 21/03/2022 10:56

Madness. Can’t think of much worse. Starting all that up again! No thanks.

Sexnotgender · 21/03/2022 10:57

I’ve got one at uni and one asleep in my arms right now. I’m 40 in about 3 weeks.

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RealRaymondReddington · 21/03/2022 10:58

I don't think it sounds the right time for you. It feels a little like trying to replace your teenager, it may also look like that to them. They will probably be back and forth to you loads and with baby you would probably find it more difficult to visit them I halls, take them out to dinner etc. Just because they are gone it doesn't mean they don't need you. I think sometimes this time of change is whe they need you most emotionally.

brokengoalposts · 21/03/2022 11:03

I had mine at 34 & 38, but I wouldn't have considered starting again at that age after bringing one family up already. I'm 54 with one at uni and a child still at home. It's not having a dc at 38, but still having one at home in your 50's, potentially you'll have a dc in the house for 36 years (2 x 18 years back to back)

Bloatstoat · 21/03/2022 11:08

I had mine at 34, 37 and 39 so no judgement about age of having babies, but I'm not sure I would have wanted another baby now if I had a teenager!

Having said that, one of my good friends at uni had a sister who was 18 months when we started. He absolutely adored her, they've stayed close even now he's in his 40s and she's early 20s. So the age gap may not be an issue for everyone.

Mariposista · 21/03/2022 11:10

I think you have to think about your other child, not just yourself - becoming a 'sibling' when they are almost an adult after growing up as an only child? Not having their normal home to come back to in holidays and weekends and parents rushing about after a newborn rather than enjoying the relationship you can form with an adult child.
There are many ways to get over this empty nest - take up a hobby, learn a new skill, get a pet, travel if your finances allow.

MsTSwift · 21/03/2022 11:13

Always seems a little sad to me - like the couple can’t face the world on their own terms and have their own lives without the role of parents - like Gordon Ramsay.

GoLightly282 · 21/03/2022 11:17

Do you mind me asking why you haven't had a 2nd child sooner? Are those reasons still relevant now?

We have one DS, stuck at one due to health and financial reasons. He's 13 now and I think if we won the lottery tomorrow we still wouldn't have anymore. The dynamic works well for us and I feel like I haven't got the energy to do it all again especially another 'only child'. We had so many play dates and we're constantly socialising, as an introvert I found that exhausting and now that DS doesn't need me for that anymore I'm really enjoying the freedom.

It's a big decision for you. You will of course have an empty best one day but will that be at 45 or 65? Personally I'd stay as you are.

Beamur · 21/03/2022 11:18

I had my first at 36. But also have SC's who were early teens at the time. So DH has had a protracted period of parenting! I think having young kids keeps you in the loop of being active and busy, but you don't get so much time to yourself. Second time around was harder than he remembered too 😄
Financially we're better off with just the one at home so have more spare money for DD.
There are pro's and con's either way.

Llamapolice · 21/03/2022 11:18

I know someone whose only sibling was born when she was at university. It didn't trigger any insecurity in her, she was thrilled to have a sibling, although naturally it's more of an aunt/nephew relationship.

Whether you want to do it again is entirely personal! My friend's mum seems very happy on the face of it (and she actually had baby 2 as a single parent) but I don't know her that well!

Original poster
PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 11:20

@Sexnotgender, can I ask if this dc was planned? How does the dynamic work for you and your older dc?

@RealRaymondReddington, you make a very good
point.

@Mariposista, I'm definitely not just thinking of myself here. My dc comes first and if it wasn't for them, I'm pretty sure we would have gone ahead. It's specifically the age gap that is concerning me the most. I don't want them to feel like they're being replaced somehow. I also don't want them to feel sad or resentful that they don't have the more typical sibling relationship.

Regarding the empty nest, it honestly terrifies me. Can I really fill that void with a hobby or lots of travelling? We're covered on the pet front! Grin

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 21/03/2022 11:22

Do you mind me asking why you haven't had a 2nd child sooner? Are those reasons still relevant now?

This is what would make me think it was more panic about “an empty nest” than actually having another child. I don’t think your teenager would feel like it was a sibling relationship, especially if they are close to leaving home / moving elsewhere for studying. They’ll still need your love and support, it would seem very much like you were replacing them (from a teenager’s perspective). Agree with a PP that you might need to override your hormones here.

mlap · 21/03/2022 11:25

I’m a mum of four. I had my fourth at 37 and although it probably took a bit more toll on my body than my first baby at 28, there were no issues. My partner has a teenage daughter and she loved getting a baby sister. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t go for it. My partner didn’t think he’d have any more and he’s gone from a teenage daughter back to newborns twice over and loves it. He says it keeps you young! You know if you truly want to do it. I’d say go for it if you do! I think you know when you’ve had enough of having babies. Kids are magic, what more can I say than this … sashabrady.com/to-all-mamas-out-there-from-amber-with-love/

Sexnotgender · 21/03/2022 11:33

@PoisonedHotChocolate yes my children were planned. I remarried after leaving an abusive relationship and had 2 children with my new husband.

My eldest adores her 2 siblings.

GoLightly282 · 21/03/2022 11:40

Also, how does your DC feel about being an only child? If they've wanted a sibling in the past and you're only now considering it once they've left home they might feel a tad pissed off.

Badoukas · 21/03/2022 11:43

Grab your freedom and enjoy yourself.

Sexnotgender · 21/03/2022 11:46

@GoLightly282

Also, how does your DC feel about being an only child? If they've wanted a sibling in the past and you're only now considering it once they've left home they might feel a tad pissed off.
Really? That’s crazy.

Circumstances change.

MollyRover · 21/03/2022 11:49

@megletthesecond

Don't do it. It's the start of your peri menopausal hormones running riot.
She's 37, not 47.
Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 11:52

Go for it. There’s a higher risk of miscarriage at your age but can’t see how it would impact your other child.

Friend of mine had her second daughter last month, she’s 37 and her DD is 19. Baby’s father is different to her DDs.

LimeSegment · 21/03/2022 11:54

I'm not against TTC in late 30s/early 40s, nor against age gaps, sometimes life happens. But in your situation I would think about why you haven't wanted a second (or wanted it badly enough to go ahead) for the last 18 years. Seems like you've already made up your mind. Don't let an attack of broodiness lead to do something you don't want.

Thejoyfulstar · 21/03/2022 11:55

Im 39 and just had my 3rd a few weeks ago. Textbook pregnancy and perfect baby. My other kids are 4 and 6, so I'm still in the loop of young kids but they were both sleeping through the night and I was dreading going back to the sleepless nights. I have to say, our third little baby is such a blessing and I just love having another little bundle to cuddle. She is adorable and has completed our family perfectly. She is just so sweet and we are all besotted with her. I love being back in the baby stage and almost feel like time is going too fast! I would go for it.

GoLightly282 · 21/03/2022 11:55

Sexnotgender it's not crazy at all! Can you imagine being an only child and wanting/asking for a sibling then your parents having one just as you leave for uni. What's the change in circumstance? The fear of an empty nest.

dontblamemee · 21/03/2022 11:59

I have a 20 year old and a one year old. I'm also older than you. I do think it'd be nice to have more freedom but the baby years are short, they'll be at school before you know it.

GoLightly282 · 21/03/2022 12:06

dontblamemee

but the baby years are short, they'll be at school before you know it I found the primary school years didn't give me any freedom at all. I was in work while they were in school and then had to juggle the school run, homework, after school activities, play dates, parties, school holidays etc.

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