Another baby at 38+? Already have a teenager, but not ready for the looming empty nest

[PoisonedHotChocolate]

Hi,

Honestly, my brain is fried with all the weighing up with this decision. I just don't know what to do!

Already have a teenager who could very well be off to uni by the time another baby comes along. Is that just madness?! Is it fair on them? Given the mega age gap, would they feel like we were basically starting a new family?

I am broody beyond belief and can't imagine having an empty nest at 40, which is more than possible.

On the flip side, dp and I could have all the freedom we wanted and are lucky enough to be financially comfortable, so could really take advantage of that.

The thing is though, when I imagine doing all that, I don't really feel excitement, just a bit empty and sad that we won't have little ones to experience it with.

Dp has very much been on team "freedom" but has now switched to team baby and I can't commit to either. I am completely split down the middle and an eternal procrastinator. I don't have time for that, let's face it. I'm not far off 38.

I'm pretty sure if I ask friends, they'll just say go for it, but I'd like some completely impartial opinions, which is why I'm here.

Thanks

Nope. Get a puppy.

I could not imagine anything worse. I had DS young and absolutely no way will I be starting all over again with babies and toddlers in my 40s.

If you actually wanted two children you would have had one sooner.

Or is there a reason you didn't? Health, financial or dp isn't dc1's father and you were single/ not in a stable relationship throughout dc1's childhood?

I don't think you want two children and I don't think dc1 would be being considered if you chose to have a planned dc2 with an 18 year age gap.

It isn't your age that's a problem, it's the fact that you don't actually seem to have wanted a second child until you were faced with an empty nest and being alone with your partner.

A sticking plaster baby isn't a good idea and ironically is often what ends a relationship and breaks a family when it ("it" a baby rather than "she" or "he" a person) was meant to "fix" things or maintain the status quo.

My younger sister is 16 years younger than me. We get on ok now she's 24 but we spent years growing up with nothing in common. Didn't help that our mum became single when Dsis was 4 so I was quietly expected to support DM raising Dsis.

Personally, I deliberately had my kids close in age so that if anything ever happened to me or DH they would always just be siblings instead of the eldest being a caregiver to the youngest.

Have you considered increased risks of having a child needing life long care? I know chances are slim but what if it did happen when you die that responsibility will pass over to your eldest. Are you ok with that?

I love babies but I wouldn't want to go back now (three at secondary school) as I appreciate the freedoms of having older kids.

No. Don't do it. In my opinion of a big age gap and it's hard.

I did it the other way, I had dd at 17, now I'm 30 and she's in high school, and my friends are all having babies and I couldn't imagine it. We didn't have an easy time of it health wise so another pregnancy would be very risky, but equally another round of parents evening, school runs and soft play is not appealing at all, alongside teenage hormones and being a taxi driver/ATM for dd!

OP, you say that you are "broody beyond belief" and when you think of all your freedom ahead, it doesn't excite you. It's really not for other people to tell you that it's just your hormones and to pay no heed to your feelings. The reasons for feeling inclined to have a baby can be very nuanced and not necessarily invalid. You want another baby and are still of childbearing age. Depending on your practical circumstances such as finances etc, I would go for it.

If you are undecided, don’t do it, it’s as simple as that, put it right out of your mind. You are committing the next 15yrs of your life to child rearing, husband won’t mind either way because he will just carry on as before, that probably suits him fine.

I wouldn't.

Posted too soon. Have you hobbies/ social life/ interests? Or is your world your child?
I couldn't wait for mine to go to university and beyond....its a new phase.

I had a brief "oooh baby" wobble when husband and I got married (I was 40). I got over it pronto.

Personally I wouldn't, our DS (only DC) left for Uni a couple of years ago and the sense of 'freedom' and time and space to do what we want is wonderful ...and we get to enjoy our DS's company by having weekends away exploring his Uni city (pre lockdown of course). I've never felt an 'empty nest' syndrome at all quite the opposite.

I wouldn’t worry about the age gap between siblings. At least you wouldn’t need to deal with sibling rivalry. I had mine at 35 then 38 so your age is a problem. For me I really wish I could have more time to do things that I want to do for myself eg travels, a new career, eat out more often …….. But everyone is different. If you only got one child you may feel very differently to those who have two or more children. Only yourself will know what can make you feel more fulfilling in live. Just to say once your reach the age of 40 time goes very quickly.

My mother had my brother when I was 19 and at university (still living at home at that stage but left home 4 years later). She was 38 then. All was fine. I had my DS when I was 46 and his stepsisters, who lived with us, were 16 and 15. Again everyone very happy about it.

I would worry your son feels like he's being replaced.
Also remember it's expensive having kids at uni if they're living away. Can you afford childcare costs and helping your student son with his rent?

I was born to a mum of that age therefore I was still a young child when her menopause hit. It was a miserable childhood in part because of that. There was depression, moods, crying, tempers frayed, outbursts of anger at me. No 11 year old should have to deal with that.

I wouldn't do it. What stage are your friends at with children? Are you going to be the only one with a baby whilst they are all free to go out without baby sitters?
You can't have a baby just because you want to fill a perceived gap in your life due to DC moving on. This is time to do new things, find new hobbies, see the world. Do you really want to take on another 18 year (and beyond) commitment of nurseries, school gate politics, teenage angst, University support which continues into your late 50's?
But then I'm one of the few who didn't get a dog to 'fill' the gap once DCs got older either!

@Calandor
Yes! It can start up to 10 years before actual menopause.

I’m mid 40s now and had quite a bit of broodiness in my early 40s as did many of my friends of a similar age. Partly I think it’s just the realisation that this is the last chance to have another baby. I resisted but some of my friends did have babies - they had older children though not teenagers.

Now, I’m very glad I resisted as I have loads of hobbies and interests that I wouldn’t have time for with a baby. Plus I see friends trying to juggle a baby with slightly older kids and it doesn’t always look fun. Often they don’t get to enjoy either the baby or the older kids as they are both at such different stages and have such different needs.
I agree with other posters that if you’re the type of person who loves life with small children (and is quite happy to sacrifice the next 10-15 years to it) then go for it. For me, although I loved that stage of my life, I’m happy to accept it’s over now and ready to move on to the next stage. I really do think you need to have a strong positive desire to have a small child again and not just a fear of the empty nest to justify having another baby.

@Mariposista

I think you have to think about your other child, not just yourself - becoming a 'sibling' when they are almost an adult after growing up as an only child? Not having their normal home to come back to in holidays and weekends and parents rushing about after a newborn rather than enjoying the relationship you can form with an adult child. There are many ways to get over this empty nest - take up a hobby, learn a new skill, get a pet, travel if your finances allow.

This. A new life is just beginning. Don't start the child rearing all over again.

@patritus

I would worry your son feels like he's being replaced. Also remember it's expensive having kids at uni if they're living away. Can you afford childcare costs and helping your student son with his rent?

Also what if, god forbid, the new child has severe special needs. Can you maintain your career, support of existing DC and retirement savings if an expensive / intractable condition presented itself?

It can be expensive having a child at Uni, have you looked at the parental contributions?

Plus childcare? Have you looked at current costs?

In the years when you need to be turning your attention to your pension?

Maybe you are v comfortable for all those costs, but I was just desperate to stop having to juggle money all the time. It would be another 21 years before Dc2 left Uni.

I am just getting used to the empty nest. Uni is a good transition because they are still part time. And touchingly still present, lovely relationship that develops differently.

YOLO