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Original poster

Another baby at 38+? Already have a teenager, but not ready for the looming empty nest

98 replies

PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 10:50

Hi,

Honestly, my brain is fried with all the weighing up with this decision. I just don't know what to do!

Already have a teenager who could very well be off to uni by the time another baby comes along. Is that just madness?! Is it fair on them? Given the mega age gap, would they feel like we were basically starting a new family?

I am broody beyond belief and can't imagine having an empty nest at 40, which is more than possible.

On the flip side, dp and I could have all the freedom we wanted and are lucky enough to be financially comfortable, so could really take advantage of that.

The thing is though, when I imagine doing all that, I don't really feel excitement, just a bit empty and sad that we won't have little ones to experience it with.

Dp has very much been on team "freedom" but has now switched to team baby and I can't commit to either. I am completely split down the middle and an eternal procrastinator. I don't have time for that, let's face it. I'm not far off 38.

I'm pretty sure if I ask friends, they'll just say go for it, but I'd like some completely impartial opinions, which is why I'm here.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
bluesticks · 21/03/2022 19:10

I had DD when I was 38 and my DS was aged 19. Pregnancy and childbirth were fine, have never had any miscarriages. I'd had my DS as a young single mum, and DD was a completely different experience, in a financially and emotionally secure marriage. It was really easy with DD in fact with all the support behind me and far less stress than doing it on my own years ago.

DH didn't have any DC of his own when we got married so raising a family was something we wanted to experience together. I don't think I'd have wanted to start again if DH had been DS's dad and we'd both experienced parenthood already iyswim. It's definitely limiting me again having a young child but tbh I'd got disillusioned with my career as well and wanted to stop and be a sahm instead. I'm not planning on returning to work, I will be a sahm and then I'll be old enough to be retired (when I will have plenty of time for travelling and hobbies).

Zerrin13 · 21/03/2022 19:25

My first child was 16 when my second was born. I was 38 and it was a second marriage. I had my 3rd 14 months later at 39. My eldest absolutely lived her baby brother and sister. Pregnancies and births were without any health issues but I was extremely sick! I do feel as if I've been responsible for children for almost all of my adult life!

bluedodecagon · 21/03/2022 19:39

Do you work? Do you have a pension? How secure is your job? How secure is your partners job? If you split, how financially stable would you be?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
User48751490 · 21/03/2022 20:25

I have a nearly 15yo and I am nearly 40 - would I f*CK want to go back to sleepless nights again. I have the youngest who is almost 5yo. I look forward to getting time away on my own once they are all grown up!

Crankley · 21/03/2022 20:29

Someone I know had similar feelings as her child was approaching the age to leave for university. She said she felt unsure of how she would revert to being herself rather than 'mummy' as she had been for nearly 18 years.

She and her husband finally decided not to try for another and they are both now really enjoying life.

Nnique · 21/03/2022 20:30

I wouldn’t do it.

I don’t think ‘I’m not sure what to do with myself in an empty nest’ is a good enough reason to have a child.

If you’re terrified about the next stage in your life I’d take the opportunity to figure out why and what it is that you’re missing to the extent that you don’t feel you can fill your own life with the kinds of things that interest you!

Nnique · 21/03/2022 20:33

I’m five years older than you and have two grown up daughters. I’ve plenty to fill my life with. Honestly why does it matter that you’ll have ah empty nest at 40? You’ll be able to live a whole second life before you get old! That’s a great thing.

Nnique · 21/03/2022 20:33

(Didn’t mean that to sound harsh. Flowers )

Dillydollydingdong · 21/03/2022 20:36

Remember it's a lifetime commitment. That's the next 20 years accounted for! You'll be 60 by the time the baby's off hand.

JuneOsborne · 21/03/2022 20:36

Nobody really knows what's going to be good for you.

But, I'd remind you (I mean, I already know you know) that it's not just a baby. It's 4 years proper disruption, prams, cots, baby gyms, mats, a bag that needs to be refilled everyone you go out, car seats, lost shoes, gloves, jumperoos, train sets, play kitchens, Lego, craft supplies, nursery fees, or salary loss for childcare. Endless colds and who is going to have the day off because the baby's sick) Then it's 7 years of a school run, child are in the holidays and then, the 7 year commitment to get a kid to 18. GCSEs and A levels and first girlfriend/boyfriend, broken hearts, starting to drive. Starting to drink, starting to take adult risks.

It's not just a baby, is my point.

(My list seems negative. Obviously, there's all the good stuff. The firsts, the wonder they teach you, the giggles, the cuddles, the things you learn from them. You'd get all that too!)

drpet49 · 21/03/2022 20:38

Just sounds like you want a baby to replace your child.

Nnique · 21/03/2022 20:43

Also the world is really not a great place for young people at the moment. Your existing child may need you and your support a lot over the next 5 years (or longer). You might be better off actually having the resources (emotional/time/financial) to focus on them, without having to contend with being half dazed with sleep deprivation/toddler tantrums/school madness/etc) plus perimenopause on top of it...

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/03/2022 20:45

Not in a million years. The thought of having my DP to myself in a house without a teenager in is wonderful!!

Nnique · 21/03/2022 20:48

Actually just noticed your child isn’t an older teenager yet (I don’t think) so realistically they’re probably going to need your support over the next 10 years. The young adult years can be brutal on them (and therefore on you) right now.

tkwal · 21/03/2022 21:15

There's never a perfect time to have a child. I'm fairly sure the only objection will be when your eldest realises your sex life didn't end when they were conceived. Don't let worrying about what other people think put you off but don't let them make up your mind to do it either. You and your DH need to decide between you and be totally honest with each other. I reckon your maturity will work in your favour if you do go ahead, you won't sweat the small stuff. Good luck whichever decision you make

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/03/2022 21:20

I have an 8yo and an 18mo and I’ve decided that we either have another by the time I’m 30 (I’m nearly 28) or we don’t have another.

I can’t imagine starting the baby years all over again when mine are old enough to fend for themselves and DH and I finally get some freedom.

MrsJBaptiste · 21/03/2022 22:13

Someone I know had similar feelings as her child was approaching the age to leave for university. She said she felt unsure of how she would revert to being herself rather than 'mummy' as she had been for nearly 18 years

God, that's sad. Does she really feel like all she's been is a 'mum' for the past 18 years? I made sure that I was never just a parent and kept my old life (more or less) as that was my main fear - just being known as X's mum 😟

Calandor · 21/03/2022 22:14

@megletthesecond

Don't do it. It's the start of your peri menopausal hormones running riot.
Perimenopause at 38?? Is that really when it starts? Most women I know have all their kids in their 30s
Grumpycatsmum · 21/03/2022 22:19

Don't think age gap matters. they may not be close now but may well be when they are both older. My eldest sister is 17 years older than me and we get on brilliantly. Also loads of people have babies at your age or older (I did). I would go for it.

Teddybearen · 21/03/2022 22:34

Don’t do it. Unless there was a specific reason which you haven’t said, you’ve chosen not to have another child until now. It’s just panic about an empty nest I would guess

SmellyWellyWoo · 22/03/2022 05:20

I have a ten year gap which I have regretted. I feel like I have been child rearing forever! Obviously love them both to bits but I should be embracing freedom now whereas I'm lumbered with more childcare for years to come. Your children will be completely different generations and I don't think it's fair on the older one.

Turningpurple · 22/03/2022 05:30

My dd goes to uni in September. Not a chance would I have another baby. I am your age aswell. My dp is on the fence and we are currently in the stage where I have told him to decide wether he wants one or not. Because it won't be with me.

We are comfortable, financially, because of my wage. So he can leave and we will be fine. But I want to be able to actually spend time with dd when she is home.

Visit her if I need to. Take trips without having to worry about getting her to college. And if she has trouble settling in, be able to fully support her. Without be tried from work and a young baby.

Definitely not for me. I love dp, but he has always known I don't want more kids. I wouldn't have one for anyone.

GlamGiraffe · 22/03/2022 05:42

Mine have a 15 year age gap! (Deliberately)
Its lovely, they adore each other. The oldest is at uni but comes home frequently to see his sister.
Id say 100% go for it. It really is worth it. They have both had us to themselves, our undivided attention so to speak. No strugling over juggling two lots of different clubs, pick ups or homework. I can definitely see benefits.
If you dont do it will you always regret it? Life with regret is a terrible thing!

Perpop · 22/03/2022 05:55

I would!

But a lot of people make a lot of good points. Could you foster?

PutinsMicropenis · 22/03/2022 06:54

I'm 38. I was young when I had my eldest DD, I met DH in my mid twenties and had 2nd DD. They are now aged 20 and 11. My body does still give the odd pang for having a baby, but no way would I want one now. Freedom beckons. I've spent my best years being a mum, working, studying. 8 years of hell when eldest was a teenager (thankfully she is much better now), youngest about to enter teen years.

Honestly, I cannot fucking wait to be free. I love my girls, but I've never really travelled or done much that I want to do. I have been to uni twice but both times as a mum. All holidays have been as a mum. All nights out ever have been as a mum. We've had very little input from family ever and we've managed but it's taken its toll on our marriage and we've forgotten how to enjoy ourselves without children. Me and DH are going to buy a camper van and clear off, around Europe or wherever. Another baby doesn't come into these plans.