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Original poster

Another baby at 38+? Already have a teenager, but not ready for the looming empty nest

98 replies

PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 10:50

Hi,

Honestly, my brain is fried with all the weighing up with this decision. I just don't know what to do!

Already have a teenager who could very well be off to uni by the time another baby comes along. Is that just madness?! Is it fair on them? Given the mega age gap, would they feel like we were basically starting a new family?

I am broody beyond belief and can't imagine having an empty nest at 40, which is more than possible.

On the flip side, dp and I could have all the freedom we wanted and are lucky enough to be financially comfortable, so could really take advantage of that.

The thing is though, when I imagine doing all that, I don't really feel excitement, just a bit empty and sad that we won't have little ones to experience it with.

Dp has very much been on team "freedom" but has now switched to team baby and I can't commit to either. I am completely split down the middle and an eternal procrastinator. I don't have time for that, let's face it. I'm not far off 38.

I'm pretty sure if I ask friends, they'll just say go for it, but I'd like some completely impartial opinions, which is why I'm here.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 21/03/2022 13:31

I'm 39. Have two dc, 19 and 15. There is no way in hell I'd have another baby now. It would be different if I was just starting a family now but I wouldn't want to do it all over again and be tied down. Its nice to have freedom now they're older

Original poster
PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 13:35

This is definitely all food for thought.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/03/2022 13:37

I couldn't think of anything worse than starting again now and I'm only 31.

My DC are 10 and 8 and I knew while pregnant with DC2 I was done.

I am not you though

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MsTSwift · 21/03/2022 16:43

Me neither and my two are lovely and easy but the thought of that massive step back makes my blood run cold. Just really cannot relate at all!

Frenchie8690 · 21/03/2022 16:49

I had my kids late and the thought of having an empty nest at 40 sounds amazing to me, the freedom!

bluedodecagon · 21/03/2022 16:54

Do you have a pension? When you say you are financially comfortable, what does that mean?

Caramelcap · 21/03/2022 16:55

I'm a bit younger (almost 32) but I have a 14 year old, a four year old and pregnant with a third and final baby.

I think you just know if you're not done, I'd say go for it. The teenage years are the worst but they'll have an older brother to look up to so you'll probably have an easy time second time around anyway 😊

You can still travel and have freedom with one child at a time anyway! I did/do loads of travelling with my eldest.

GestationalDiabetes · 21/03/2022 16:58

It’s so individual as some parents would love another and not resent the loss of freedom any more than they did with their older dc(s) .
We are in a similar boat though it wasn’t planned , and our two lovely older DC are excited and I’ve heard of lovely relationships with siblings with large age gaps . What might be a strain for one family might be extremely special for others surely. I am slightly nervous but then I am anyway with any major change and was even when ds was due with a smaller age gap!

GestationalDiabetes · 21/03/2022 17:00

Btw I’m 43 and eldest is 15!

OutlookStalking · 21/03/2022 17:02

Id retrain and do a career you've fancied!

DressingPafe · 21/03/2022 17:09

I had my 2 DC young and when I was heading for 40 I had a real surge of wanting another baby. It passed and I'm glad it did! It's just nature/homones. Different if you'd never had a child but you have.

For me I felt the baby stage was not so much the issue. It's all the rest. School runs, play dates, having to stick to a routine, teenage dramas! I did love being a mum but I wouldn't want to do it all over again! Now it's "me time". I have long lie ins when I feel like it, I can travel on a whim (and not be restricted to school holidays!), none of that worrying because maybe my child isn't progressing as they should or they're being bullied or any of the other issues parents often have to face. My life is so relaxed most of the time. Team Freedom all the way here Grin

homeedregret · 21/03/2022 17:12

Don't do it OP. I am a bit older than you and have had similar baby pangs but realize this is a final scream of desperation from my ovaries, not actually me. There is no logical reason as to why I should have a baby.

Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 17:16

Just coming to this.

I would say... think ahead to when you can't have any more children. Would you regret not having one last try, now? Would you be happy do you think?

I just thought, a friend (not close) had a baby when she was 44 a few years ago - the child is now 5 or 6. She met someone really nice and despite having a son who's in his 20s wanted to give it a go and have another baby and was pleasantly surprised when she became pregnant, also she has a girl.

Also, a relative (adopted) - had 2 sons when she was 19 or so. A few years later she met and married her current partner and decided they wanted kids (he has grown up kids too) so she became pregnant with her daughter when she was 40. Child is now 10 and mum and daughter and family happy.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/03/2022 17:22

I think you would be crazy, honestly. You would end having spent close to 40 years in the throes of parenthood by the time you're done. Without wanting to sound rude, having gone this long without having a second you don't seem to fit into the 'love a happy busy full of children house' type. I think you may be panicking a bit and I suppose a downside of having a child/children very young is that that phase of your life is done pretty early and maybe you feel a yawning chasm of years before you which might be lacking in purpose. I think the key is to refind a sense of purpose outside of being a parent. It could be anything - volunteering, go back to college, change careers, maybe even something like fostering. The world is your oyster

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/03/2022 17:32

38 is very young to have finished raising a family.

bobby81 · 21/03/2022 17:46

I agree with pp, your hormones are playing up! I felt exactly the same at your age and I’m so glad DP talked me down. I’m 40 now and we are getting our freedom instead of coping with sleepless nights.

DappledOliveGroves · 21/03/2022 17:49

I had DD at 19 and my second DD five weeks ago when I was 39. I turned 40 when DD2 was nine days old. DD1 will be turning 21 tomorrow.

I'd always wanted more than one child but life circumstances meant I didn't meet DP until I was almost 35 and I had two miscarriages before having DD2.

It's definitely a bit of a shock to the system with the lack of sleep but other than that, it's so lovely to be doing the baby stage again and to see the relationship between DD1 and her baby sister. She absolutely adores her.

For me, when I had DD1 I was a teen single parent, so being able to have a baby with a partner and feel like a family unit is so nice and what I always wanted. On the flip side, though, baby DD won't have any relationship with my mother who now has advanced dementia, whereas DD1 had a very close relationship with her when she was small. DP's parents are now mid/late 70s so not really going to have a hands on relationship with DD2 either, unlike how they helped out with some of their other grandchildren.

Be aware that if you do start TTC there's a higher risk of miscarriage. Having two in a row took a major toll on me.

WasntAllThat · 21/03/2022 17:52

It’s not your age, but your stage of life that I think makes it bonkers to have another baby. You have so much else you could do with the rest of your healthy, active years!

You’re at that classic ‘panic hormones’ age, aswell. Pretty much every woman I know with older kids at 40 had a big wobble about having another baby. It’s your fertility’s last stand! I would resist.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/03/2022 17:53

@PoisonedHotChocolate

Hi,

Honestly, my brain is fried with all the weighing up with this decision. I just don't know what to do!

Already have a teenager who could very well be off to uni by the time another baby comes along. Is that just madness?! Is it fair on them? Given the mega age gap, would they feel like we were basically starting a new family?

I am broody beyond belief and can't imagine having an empty nest at 40, which is more than possible.

On the flip side, dp and I could have all the freedom we wanted and are lucky enough to be financially comfortable, so could really take advantage of that.

The thing is though, when I imagine doing all that, I don't really feel excitement, just a bit empty and sad that we won't have little ones to experience it with.

Dp has very much been on team "freedom" but has now switched to team baby and I can't commit to either. I am completely split down the middle and an eternal procrastinator. I don't have time for that, let's face it. I'm not far off 38.

I'm pretty sure if I ask friends, they'll just say go for it, but I'd like some completely impartial opinions, which is why I'm here.

Thanks Smile

I did it at your age. One aged 18 and had a baby girl . Absolutely wonderful. Such a different experience. She is now 15,
WouldBeGood · 21/03/2022 17:55

I wouldn’t do it. I had DS at 38, by chance, but you gave the opportunity to have freedom and a new type of relationship with your adult child: best of both worlds.

MsTSwift · 21/03/2022 18:01

Wouldn’t it put you out of step with your friends? All our local aged friends have same age teen kids would be super weird to suddenly have a baby. You wouldn’t be able to do anything with them.

Auvergnewater · 21/03/2022 18:03

The thing is, a lot of people wouldn’t want it but that’s them.

If you want a baby, that’s all you need to consider, assuming finances etc are sorted.

Whatalovelydaffodil · 21/03/2022 18:20

@MsTSwift

Wouldn’t it put you out of step with your friends? All our local aged friends have same age teen kids would be super weird to suddenly have a baby. You wouldn’t be able to do anything with them.
I suppose you have to decide how important doing things with your friends is. Although I am perfectly able to do things with my friends even though my oldest is 24 , my youngest is 2 and I have a few children in between
Original poster
PoisonedHotChocolate · 21/03/2022 18:20

@DappledOliveGroves, this is exactly how I feel. Very similar circumstances.

OP posts:
Crawfishspots · 21/03/2022 18:29

My sister in law is the youngest of 5, there is 15 years between her and her next brother then the other 3 siblings are close in age. Her eldest brother was at university when she was born. She is incredibly close to her siblings, particularly her brother who is next up from her.
I’m 38 and just had my second so can’t help on that front!