Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I'm turning 30 and I've never even kissed anyone, is it time to admit it'll never happen?

110 replies

RichardsNewsPaper · 18/03/2022 20:00

Have I just missed all of the boats? I haven't even managed to arrange a date since re-joining Bumble in January.

I don't know how to do any of it. Dating casually seems impossible because I'm so nervous about it all. I just wish I had a friend that I could do it all slowly with.

How do you give up? How can I stop looking at all the couples and families and stop wishing it was me?

OP posts:
LackOfSleepCBA · 19/03/2022 00:18

Hi, I've not seen anyone mention it but how about trying Badoo? I tried Tinder, Bumble, POF and the others when dating but they were awful. I had more luck on Badoo. I had several years of dating before I met my partner on Badoo. We've been together 3 years and have a little one together.
I decided to go on dates with all different guys and looked at slightly younger and older men than I would normally have gone for, just so I wasn't limiting my self. I also swiped yes on some that I wouldn't normally go for. I've had strange dates, weird dates, a few horrible dates, interesting dates and fun dates. I pushed myself to go out of my comfort zone as I'm normally an introverted person. I would say push yourself out your zone on everything and extend your search age range and area a little bit. Fingers crossed for you.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 19/03/2022 00:31

Does it feel like a barrier that you've never kissed anyone? If it does then I agree with a PP about going out to a late night wine bar or cocktail bar with friends. Someone will it on you, send over a drink, and you could end the night with a kiss and get over that hurdle.

You may inadvertently be sending out unavailable or uninterested vibes. If you like someone, would they be able to tell? Do you smile, have open body language, touch their arm? It all sounds like an episode of Would Like To Meet but it also works.

BoofyBoo · 19/03/2022 00:51

I had kissed people (men) at 30 but not many and not anyone I actually wanted to kiss. At 31 I kissed someone I wanted to kiss for the first time. Unfortunately he wasn’t available and I’m sorry that was my first “positive” experience. Life doesn’t always go how we expect it to/are told it should and it is messy.
At 38 I kissed someone I wanted to kiss who then became my husband when I was 42.
So your situation is unusual but you’re not fatally flawed. I though I was at your age but turns out I wasn’t though I had some bumps and I and other made some mistakes along the way. Great for it, don’t be apologetic but don’t have set expectations and don’t let others’ expectations define you. You are enough and the way you love your life is enough. I hope you find happiness as everyone deserves it (but not everyone is lucky enough to find it). X

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
caringcarer · 19/03/2022 00:52

My son tried a few OLD sites and not too lucky. Then tried Plenty of Fish and found someone he is now dating almost first day he used it.

BoofyBoo · 19/03/2022 00:53

Few typos there from typing on phone but hopefully makes sense!

Sswhinesthebest · 19/03/2022 01:02

I feel for you.
I want to say just relax forget about it and it’ll happen, but I know the that the longer it takes, the bigger it seems.
Just do things you want to do for you, with the biggest number of participants you can find and enjoy it for what it is. No expectations. If you meet anyone then that is a bonus,

Agapornis · 19/03/2022 01:06

You wouldn't be usual among my female friends (30-40) - 3 of the 7 have never kissed someone and/or had sex (one has kissed, but only once, 10+ years ago). They are all normal people, without quiet solitary interests, and like you, have had little success with online dating, and don't really know why it's not happened for them. I don't know either! I've not actively introduced them to single male friends, could you ask your friends to do that?

I'm a bit more outgoing, meet lots of people through work/volunteering/hobbies, have had lots of online dates - and I'm still single too, so in a similar boat! Plenty of kissing, mind... I did find more confidence in approaching people after I discovered kissing (age 19), maybe because the pressure was off? but I'm sure that doesn't happen to everyone.

Agapornis · 19/03/2022 01:10

Correction, *WITH quiet solitary interests (like you)

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 19/03/2022 02:19

I'm amazed you never had a drunken snog having been to uni but well it doesn't really matter you've never kissed anyone, there's a first for everything! Most people only settle down in their 30s anyway so you haven't missed any boats, you are 30 not 40 so plenty of time to have a family. I met my husband at uni but we only got married and had our 1st child at 32, which is pretty much the same for all my friends. You've simply just never met the right person up to now. I'd keep online dating, I know most of my friends who didn't meet husband's or wives at uni/work met online, once you grow out of the going out thing it's the best way to meet someone with things in common. Like you say if your hobbies are more geared towards females that isn't going to be an opportunity to meet someone. Dating makes the most confident people feel nervous, everyone feels a bit awkward. I honestly believe there's someone for everyone, you've just got to find him!

Kennykenkencat · 19/03/2022 02:47

I know this sounds silly but are you missing signals. I know someone who was having the same issues who would say no one was ever interested in her. Yet guys were interested but she just seemed to miss the signals and would friend zone them.

Sometimes you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and try different things, go to different places etc.

From what I have seen over the years it doesn’t matter what you look like but confidence and a sense of humour seems to work better than a pretty face and a small waist

Badbadbunny · 19/03/2022 07:41

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

I'm amazed you never had a drunken snog having been to uni

A lot of students aren't part of the drunken/partying scene at Unis. I wasn't and my DS isn't.

Lovemusic33 · 19/03/2022 08:00

Sounds really tough OP, I am 40 and have been single for a long time, dating in my mid 30’s was really easy but now I’m 40 I don’t get much attention on the apps and I have become more fussy with who I do talk too. I’m lucky because I find men easier to talk too than women, most of my hobbies are more male led so I do meet a lot of different people. I’m sure eventually you will meet someone, probably through friends/family or a interest/hobby, you need to be brave and approach people to start conversations (not easy I know).

I was a lot and often chat to people, maybe getting a dog could help? People always talk to you when your walking a dog and your dog might drag you towards a sexy man and his hound 🤣. You could always borrow a dog if you don’t want your own, I have recently started doing this.

MinimumChips · 19/03/2022 08:08

OP there are so many more people in this situation than you perhaps realise. A few months ago I was served a TikTok (I know… but it was lovely) about exactly this, someone “coming out” as being around 33 and never having kissed anyone. She had thousands and thousands of replies, women all sharing their similar experiences. I know that doesn’t change your situation, but they’re are many others living a similar experience and I know the women in those comments found it really helpful to connect with others in the same situation, not to commiserate but more to feel a sort of sisterhood in a way.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2022 09:51

"it's very easy if a woman wants to attract a guy."

Oh dear. I have quite a few lipsticks and no man! Not sure it's as simple as you make out lol.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2022 09:54

@katepilar

I know myself that if someone wanted to wait for 'so much time' until they wanted to even kiss me it would be a hard pass unless they were extraordinary. You usually know within one date if you are into someone and if there is chemistry there, if someone didn't want to kiss after the first or maybe second date at a push I would assume they just weren't that into me and move onto someone that is.

This took me a long time to work out that the norm is to feel you want to kiss someone by the end of let say first or third date. I guess its very hard if one of the involved people doesnt feel this way and doesnt know it the norm. Not sure how much good communication can help, I think it can only go so far.

I think attraction is something that can grow for LOADS of people. Knowing straight away is really not universal even if quick dating is the trend at the moment.
Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2022 09:59

"Just have a few drinks and hang around. Someone will walk up and kiss you before the end of the night. "

Really. They don't talk, they just walk up to someone, kiss them and then leave not expecting anything more? These are new types of nightclubs to me. I think a man in a pulling place is likely to want more than a kiss and I also think it's bordering on illegal for him to just walk up to her and kiss her without seeing if there's any interest from her.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2022 10:02

@MinimumChips

OP there are so many more people in this situation than you perhaps realise. A few months ago I was served a TikTok (I know… but it was lovely) about exactly this, someone “coming out” as being around 33 and never having kissed anyone. She had thousands and thousands of replies, women all sharing their similar experiences. I know that doesn’t change your situation, but they’re are many others living a similar experience and I know the women in those comments found it really helpful to connect with others in the same situation, not to commiserate but more to feel a sort of sisterhood in a way.
I agree that it't not as unusual as people are making out on the thread.
Makeitsoso · 19/03/2022 10:04

I know it’s a different situation but in a church context I know loads of people who had very limited romantic relationships in their 30s (for faith reasons) who have got married and are really happy now. It’s totally possible.

Boomerwang · 19/03/2022 10:14

It was only when I was with someone that men were interested in me. I think it's because I switched off the radar, relaxed and interacted with men much more confidently as I wasn't measuring up their potential. This put them at ease and they also got to see the real me which made an approach easier. This is before finding out I was attached so it wasn't a competitive thing. I think if you could try to suppress the wariness around men and consider their worth as a friend instead you will relax and open up a path of communication which could lead to more. If it doesn't click at least you have still widened your network

Boomerwang · 19/03/2022 10:17

Bit worried about the few comments aimed at turning op into a flashing beacon. I'm sure she doesn't want just any old bag of testosterone to latch on?

Theupsidedownexists · 19/03/2022 10:35

I could have written your post OP. I was 30 and hadn't had any kind of intimate relationship. I had lots of friends socialised normally was out all the time. One night I bumped into a friend who'd brought a friend and bam. It was like being hit with a frying pan. 15 years later he's still here and we have a great life together. I honestly thought it would never happen for me and I'd sort of given up. I can promise you the second you stop looking, someone will fall in your lap. I think there is a lot of pressure to find someone for a relationship by a certain age and people start to wonder what is wrong with them if they don't conform to the 'norm' and the answer is nothing at all. Sometimes it takes some people slightly longer than others to find a relationship. Fingers crossed for you.

Doggirl · 19/03/2022 12:43

OP, I'll be brutally honest and say you need to do some self-examination. Do you get no men expressing an interest at all, or are they only ones you're not attracted to--the ones that attract you being 'out of your league '? I know you said you'd not had a traumatic time, but could your childhood have left you with hangups about avoiding rejection, being unable to leave situations that weren't working for you, feeling obligation?
A trusted male friend or relative may be able to help on the question of how attractive you are. (IME women are so conditioned to "say something nice" that you won't get a useful answer. ) I'll get criticised for saying this, but couples are generally quite well-matched for conventional attractiveness. Yes, rich ugly men get some beautiful women. But a plain woman with a handsome man is usually because she has an outgoing, confident personality. I know nothing of your looks, of course, so this is just a thought.

All this is the voice of bitter experience from me. I had a (in hindsight) dysfunctional childhood, that never mentioned relationships at all. Parents seemed to be together, and with their children, out of a sense of duty rather than enjoyment. I grew up with a fear of rejection and simultaneously that once you were 'with ' someone, you had to stay with them. I knew one way and another- yes, including people's comments- that I was ugly (not helped by my complete lack of personal grooming: a stubborn "Iyam what Iyam" attitude coupled with the legacy of a childhood absence of parental input). Yet I still daydreamed that a good-looking man would go for 'the real me'--and wasted so much time dithering rather than living.

If any of the above strikes even 1% of a bell with you, then counselling or similar, to discuss anything that might subconsciously be holding you back, is really not a bad idea.

katepilar · 19/03/2022 12:56

[quote Badbadbunny]@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

I'm amazed you never had a drunken snog having been to uni

A lot of students aren't part of the drunken/partying scene at Unis. I wasn't and my DS isn't.[/quote]
Agree with that. All the drinking type of people seem to think drinking and getting drunk or even hanging out at parties is a norm for everyone.

Sarah2891 · 19/03/2022 13:37

I agree, there are lots of students who aren't into the party and drinking culture. It may seem like everyone is but that's not true.

mumznet · 19/03/2022 14:03

@Gwenhwyfar haha true, its not that easy. OP reminds me of the movie 'Never been kissed' so to just get a kiss, a bright lipstick is needed. It's true about men being visual though, that's just the way they are. it's not that simple to find a man but its not rocket science either. we would need to be more open when choosing a partner, some people have a long list when picking a partner.....