I'm turning 30 and I've never even kissed anyone, is it time to admit it'll never happen?

[RichardsNewsPaper]

Have I just missed all of the boats? I haven't even managed to arrange a date since re-joining Bumble in January.

I don't know how to do any of it. Dating casually seems impossible because I'm so nervous about it all. I just wish I had a friend that I could do it all slowly with.

How do you give up? How can I stop looking at all the couples and families and stop wishing it was me?

Maybe it's an idea for a MN expansion, MN OLD.

I'm not sure it's so uncommon to not have been in a serious relationship OP, I was almost the opposite of you had a lot of fun when I was younger but not always for the right reasons and I'm aghast at some of the situations I got myself into when I look back now and in a few nightmarish boyfriends and it really wasn't a rom com. I ended up with the boy I met in the school bus who was my best friend from about the age of 11. I do think friendship makes for a good start. Is there anyone in the past you think was a missed opportunity or currently who is a friend but there's chemistry etc? It's worth spending time with people like this and opening yourself up to the possibility it could be more.
I have a friend mid thirties, very intelligent, great job, funny, compassionate, attractive, loads of friends, interests etc we've known each other a long time and I've never known her to be in a relationship I'm not sure why. I also know plenty of others in not so great relationships, so the grass isn't always greener!

Yes I think that you are right. I don't really know how to address it though. I feel like I just need so much time to get comfortable with someone and OLD is so fast paced.

I think this is probably it to be honest. I know myself that if someone wanted to wait for 'so much time' until they wanted to even kiss me it would be a hard pass unless they were extraordinary. You usually know within one date if you are into someone and if there is chemistry there, if someone didn't want to kiss after the first or maybe second date at a push I would assume they just weren't that into me and move onto someone that is.

It might sound harsh but as someone with a high libido, I wouldn't think that someone who is hesitant to even kiss would be compatible with me and I would find the lack of confidence a turn off.

I know people will say the right person will wait and they are right, someone who is really into you will wait but I think it will be much harder to find someone who decides that you are the right person and worth hanging around for 'so much time' for. Maybe try those devout Christian dating sites?

There absolutely are matchmakers, in London, other major cities, and even the countryside.

You might not find somebody. But you might find confidence in the process.

I dont know. I havent kissed anyone either and am 42. Only fell in love once when I was around 35 and almost kissed after both of us had a bit of beer but he wasnt interested to take it any further. We both have MH issues and he went on medication soon after and said he doesnt feel anything around women anymore.
I dont get the whole relationship and dating thing. I am not drawn to men in a sexual way. . I guess I must be demi-sexual but also hate this man-run world so not sure where I stand at all to be honest. I am now pretty sure its not case of being lesbian.

I’m not remotely religious. I totally understand where you’re coming from though. I feel like all of the grown ups know how to date and I’m still trying to find a boy to maybe hold my hand

I know myself that if someone wanted to wait for 'so much time' until they wanted to even kiss me it would be a hard pass unless they were extraordinary. You usually know within one date if you are into someone and if there is chemistry there, if someone didn't want to kiss after the first or maybe second date at a push I would assume they just weren't that into me and move onto someone that is.

This took me a long time to work out that the norm is to feel you want to kiss someone by the end of let say first or third date. I guess its very hard if one of the involved people doesnt feel this way and doesnt know it the norm. Not sure how much good communication can help, I think it can only go so far.

@DesertStorms

My friends son is 31 and never had a gf. He’s very good looking and intelligent, just shy. I think he would go for an arranged marriage too! You aren’t alone.

Fix up a blind date!

It's definitely not too late. It seems like you had a lack of confidence when you were younger, a false impression that you weren't attractive and the longer time has gone on without a relationship happening naturally, the more difficult (and potentially, embarrassing) it has got.
What about hypnotherapy? One of my son's friend's mothers has trained in this for confidence issues, that might help?
Loads of people don't settle down until middle/late 30s and what's gone on before is neither here nor there. You don't need to announce you haven't had a relationship before. You sound very nice, someone will be very lucky to meet you.

Friend was exactly the same position. She decided to change things and do meet/greet style dating. Joined local dating sites, arranged to meet potentials for coffee straight after work for an hour, so no dressing up just very casual. She found someone she wanted to see again on about 4th date and has been seeing him ever since. She spent 6 plus years alone and didn't change until she took things into her own hands.

@RichardsNewsPaper

I feel better for having a bit of a moan anyway

It's so hard to talk about. I don't think I need counselling because thankfully, I've really had no bad experiences in life. I'm just single!

But you’re having a bad experience now!

Surely talking about that and looking at how you approach dating relationships might give you some insight and potentially some confidence to change things?

Have you paid for OLD? Although it doesnt totally weed out the creeps, it does make a big difference. I have a divorcee friend who said that the more she paid the more men she met that actually wanted a relationship rather than the "out for a shag" lot that tend to frequent the free sites.

@RichardsNewsPaper

Honestly, I have tried. I volunteered pretty regularly pre Covid. I go to different classes regularly. I socialise regularly at work and I have friends. I am normal :(

My interests are very feminine and quite solitary. I don't particularly mind. There's nothing else I desperately want to join or to do, and if I forced myself to do something with lots of men I wouldn't be enjoying myself and then I definitely wouldn't attract anyone.

You might have to fake interests OP. I do triathlon and its full of people who take it up to have fun but also to meet potential partners.

It will happen

OLD can be hard work.
Do you send messages to guys you like the look of?

Do you see men around you and think about that you would like to get to know them and be intimate with them? I might not have the best vocabulary as English isnt my first language but hope you get what I mean. It took me a long time to realise that this is what happens to vast majority of people, they just seem to be looking around to see whom they fancy.

Also, have you had any negative experience that could have potentially put you off? Like someone wanting to kiss you too early on?

@NeverChange

Have you told friends and family that you would like to meet someone?

Some of the best dates I had came from friend's matchmaking.

Yep agree with this!

My now DH was a blind date set up by my cousin and her husband!

@RichardsNewsPaper

I was/ am so introverted and get even more quiet when I drink. And I overthink everything and worry about it all. I bought it into the idea that I would just meet someone and it would be fine.

It sounds like social anxiety to me and I wonder whether some counseling to address it would be a good idea? My teenage son has social anxiety. Like you, he has friends and does activities, but he overthinks things and ties himself in knits in certain situations.

He’s finding counseling v. helpful, they talk about ways to relax, he shares situations when he feels shy with his counselor and gets advice on how to deal with them. I know he’s a lot younger than you, but it might be worth considering.

Have you got any money? I know someone who found their husband through a dating agency. They set you up with say, a dozen people (you and five new women, and six new men on each date) and you attend dinners as a group. That might take the pressure off, but it is more expensive than OLD.

What kind of life would you like with a boyfriend? Would you like someone who shared your interests and would do them with you, or would you like someone who will go off and do their own thing and then you get together to talk about it all?

If the first, have you joined clubs or made contacts or widened your network about your own interests? There may be few men involved, but you only need one or so And even if there are no men at all, the women you meet have brothers, friends, ex-boyfriends etc.

I had my first kiss on a group holiday - it was around an interest, not explicitly a 'singles' one. Holiday romances are notorious for a reason; taking yourself out of your usual routine can jolt you into something new.

I totally get how it can happen as a v good friend of mine was in a similar position until about 32-ish and she did just keep going with the online dating until something clicked and she started sleeping with someone. Tricky because probably takes a lot more to make that step now but now she is in a relationship with someone and it’s going well.
I also didn’t have a relationship for about 12 years, never got asked out in dates etc. had a decent enough social life and friends but just nothing ever seemed to happen for me- basically single since 21 until I met my now partner at 32 - and then ended up pregnant 6 months later and now we are happy with 2 kids etc. so I think you never do know when things will happen. Can all just be very out of the blue and suddenly life is totally different.
What’s your work situation? I always think that can be good for meeting people if a large company with a social aspect?

Do you fancy anyone? Or have you? If so what type are they? Where would you find more? Eg sporty, intellectual, political...

What turns you on in man?

Honestly, don't worry. Enjoy living, enjoy life. You've tried the dating apps and not met anyone so just live and be happy. What more can you do? I've been in your position OP and dwelling on it doesn't do any good.

@RichardsNewsPaper

I feel better for having a bit of a moan anyway

It's so hard to talk about. I don't think I need counselling because thankfully, I've really had no bad experiences in life. I'm just single!

I think you’re doing a great job at trying to talk about it. I

know you’ve said you don’t need counselling, but with your prior post about being shy and introverted (not that there’s anything wrong with that at all), talking to a therapist might actually be useful. Just because you’ve not had something traumatic happen to you doesn’t mean you might not find it helpful. They might change your perspective on something or help you deal with how you might approach something differently.

I don't want to sound weird or facetious...but do you have a good friend you could role play with? My first kisses were with friends when we were just practicing . Also had a few cheeky snogs with flatmates at uni that were completely non-romantic, just experimental.

Perhaps getting rid of that barrier of "the first kiss" will help you and make you more relaxed and seem more approachable when you do meet someone that you would genuinely like to have a relationship with?

OP do you find many men attractive?

Have you a friend who would go with you to a nightclub? A nightclub known for picking up people e.g a late night wine bar? Just have a few drinks and hang around. Someone will walk up and kiss you before the end of the night. It might not be the person you find attractive but the 'first kiss' will be over and done with.

A lovely and very attractive friend of mine has never had a boyfriend. She's in her late forties now and has never clicked with the men who find her attractive and the ones she finds attractive aren't into her. She sometimes goes out with a friend when she just wants to sleep with someone. She usually regrets it afterwards but not always. She sleeps with them without ever having any intention of seeing them again. That way, she never feels the need to impress them. She doesn't put any pressure on herself.

Is the late wine bar meaningless kiss something you could do?

My closest male friend was the same, had never kissed anyone at 30. He was intelligent, conscientious, kind, and not bad-looking, so it puzzled me, although he did lack confidence and was an introvert who wasn't great at selling himself, so meeting people on nights out or through OLD was a non-starter.

Later that year he started a part-time Masters's degree in his 'hobby' subject alongside full-time work and met a woman who shared his interests down to a tee and was a perfect match for him. They've now been happily married for 13 years and have a daughter together.