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Original poster

The kindness of Strangers and the cruelty of my so called family

79 replies

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 16/03/2022 16:42

Tomorrow is my darling mums funeral, almost a month after she died. IVe not been too bad in the interim weeks, managing to hold it together fairly ok. But today I had to go out to do some food shopping, and also to collect mums floral wreath from the florist.

Did the shopping and decided to have a cup of tea in a cafe. There was a trio at one of the tables, obviously grandma, daughter and child. They looked so beautiful together and it hit me so hard that I'd never have days out with my mum again. I just welled up, and was trying so hard to not disturb anyone. However, the grandma noticed me and came over to ask if I was ok, and would I like to join them at their table. I did decline as I didn't want to put a damper on their morning, but she sat with me until I'd composed myself. What a lovely kind woman she was.

Then, making my way back to the car with mums wreath there was a car parked up with teenagers stood around it, and some sat in the car. As I walked past them several commented on how lovely the flowers were. I stopped, turned around and told them that they were for my mum, that she had died and that it's her funeral tomorrow. They were so kind, asked me about her, what she was like, etc, and two of them gave me a quick hug and said to take care tomorrow.

What lovely, lovely people - all of them. Even though I'm now in bits again, I was so heartened that they, total strangers could take the time to help me feel not alone. They will never know just how much I appreciated what they did today.

My not so kind family - haven't even asked how I am. But I suppose that having a not so 'D' father who prevented myself and mum from seeing each other for a number of years, and who has convinced much of my family that I'm a bad person, when all I did was stand up to his bullying and controlling ways, I was stupid to expect anything.

Well, tomorrow I'm about to stand up for myself and my mum by being there to say my goodbyes and how much I love her. She was an incredible woman and I miss her so very much.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 16/03/2022 16:45

OP, I am so sorry to read about your family- and so lovely to read about the comfort of strangers.
Sending a hand hold for tomorrow.🌺🌺

LadyJaneHall · 16/03/2022 16:45

Sorry for your loss.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/03/2022 16:45

Bless you @JasperJohnsPaintbrush. I'm sorry for your loss. Well done for standing up to your father. I'm sure the rest of the family know the truth, they just aren't strong enough to stand up to him. Flowers

redambergreengo · 16/03/2022 16:47

The loss of a much loved parent is dreadful. Maybe your mum sent those kind people, that's what I'd like to think anyway.

FWIW I'm learning, the older I get, that sometimes your family are the ones we matter least to, especially in our hour of need.

Take this unwelcome journey a day at a time and grieve in your own way for your beloved mum. DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

ParkheadParadise · 16/03/2022 16:48

Aw, that's lovely.
In the past, I have been on the receiving end of kindness from a stranger. You never forget it.
Hope everything is perfect for your mum's funeral tomorrow.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 16:52

so sorry about your mum OP its so diffcultFlowers
and sorry about your horrid family.
hope tomorrow goes ok x

eyeslikebutterflies · 16/03/2022 16:54

I'm sure your mum would be so, so proud of you for how you're handling this, and for your efforts for her funeral. You sound awesome, and I bet she was too. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Nyman1962 · 16/03/2022 16:56

The difference a little bit of kindness can make from a stranger.
It costs nothing and can do so much for the other person.

I should remember that more when I mumble around in my pursed up way.

Hope you find some comfort in the funeral and say a fond farewell to Mum.

Stillfunny · 16/03/2022 16:57

The loss of a mother is so very hard . And yes , the kindness of strangers can really make a difference. They may be able to empathise in a way your own family can't. I hope the funeral goes OK and know that she loved you and would have been so proud of the strong woman you have become with regards your father. Flowers

mondler · 16/03/2022 16:58

Aw this made me cry, so lovely of those strangers. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the nastiness in the family. Remember tomorrow is about you and your mum, not them. She will be grateful to know you're there. Stay strong and surround yourself with as much positivity as you can as you grieve x

AchillesPoirot · 16/03/2022 16:59

I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can in the circumstances for you opFlowers

Mummyjlr120 · 16/03/2022 17:02

broke my heart reading this thinking of you for tomorrow❤️

Thethreecs · 16/03/2022 17:03

So sorry for your loss. Xx

Your post made me think of my own mother.

It is very true that strangers can be so much more caring than family. Small things that happened due to the kindness of strangers up until both my parents funerals brought a smile to my face. Sometimes families are disgusting and behave in an unforgiving way.

Sending you strength for tomorrow ❤️

JustlookingNotbuying · 16/03/2022 17:04

So sorry for your loss op, I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can. Take care and be kind to yourself Flowers.

Ditzyduck · 16/03/2022 17:09

Reading this posts makes me realise I need to spend more time with my Mum . I used to spend every day with her and then now I hardly see her but I know il be lost without her if anything happens to her . She’s the best woman in the world but her mental health ain’t great and I struggle to be around her but I know she misses our time we used to spend together .
I need to make more time for her coz I do know once she’s gone I will regret it .
Soooo much emotion in your post OP , stay strong 🥰 thinking of you .

Original poster
JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 16/03/2022 17:33

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely messages, they have made me smile and cry together....but in a good way.

Mum was a kind, gentle darling with a great sense of humour. Her failing was that she loved my 'd'f and so couldn't seen his failings. If she did, she kept it to herself.
In my younger years when she was fit and active we spent so much time together on days out, gardening, or just at the kitchen table drinking tea.
But in the past decade, her health declined to the point where she was unable to leave the house, and his cruelty seemed to sharpen. His favourite tactic was to abuse me via mum, in that he gave her barbed insults/comments/whatever and because she felt she had to do whatever he said, she would then relay them to me. It was obvious she wasn't comfortable doing this, but was basically at his mercy. Thus he hurt both of us in one go. Brave man eh!

Well, he's not expecting me there tomorrow, but there I will be . Loud and proud, talking to all and sundry about how fabulous she was, showing them all photos of me and her out and about on our wonderings around Britain and beyond, whilst he looks on probably petrified - as bullies often are - that he will be outed/ named and shamed for the controlling bullying, monstrously egocentric coward he really is.

.....and I won't be speaking a word to him or give so much as a glance on his direction. He's not worth it. For as many of you have said, tomorrow I will be celebrating MY Mothers day.

OP posts:
WhiteJellycat · 16/03/2022 17:40

You sound a very strong person. That was your mothers gift to you. All the best for tomorrow and your free from your fathers abuse now. He has no power over you any more.

Thethreecs · 16/03/2022 17:42

@JasperJohnsPaintbrush

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely messages, they have made me smile and cry together....but in a good way.

Mum was a kind, gentle darling with a great sense of humour. Her failing was that she loved my 'd'f and so couldn't seen his failings. If she did, she kept it to herself.
In my younger years when she was fit and active we spent so much time together on days out, gardening, or just at the kitchen table drinking tea.
But in the past decade, her health declined to the point where she was unable to leave the house, and his cruelty seemed to sharpen. His favourite tactic was to abuse me via mum, in that he gave her barbed insults/comments/whatever and because she felt she had to do whatever he said, she would then relay them to me. It was obvious she wasn't comfortable doing this, but was basically at his mercy. Thus he hurt both of us in one go. Brave man eh!

Well, he's not expecting me there tomorrow, but there I will be . Loud and proud, talking to all and sundry about how fabulous she was, showing them all photos of me and her out and about on our wonderings around Britain and beyond, whilst he looks on probably petrified - as bullies often are - that he will be outed/ named and shamed for the controlling bullying, monstrously egocentric coward he really is.

.....and I won't be speaking a word to him or give so much as a glance on his direction. He's not worth it. For as many of you have said, tomorrow I will be celebrating MY Mothers day.

You hold your head high and walk with confidence and do everything you say here. Your Mum would be so proud of you.
MrsBerthaRochester · 16/03/2022 18:15

So sorry for your loss. Counselling really helped me understand the conditioning of thinking we will get love from our families and the devastation it causes when you dont. Have you had any therpapy as it may help?
I tried to kill myself last year. Am estranged from most of my family and was told by others just to "pull myself together". My own dad wouldnt give me a hug as to scared of catching covid.
Thank god for my best friend as without her I wouldnt be here.

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 16/03/2022 18:18

i am so sorry for your loss Flowers[teddy]Flowers

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 16/03/2022 18:18
Bear
purpleboy · 16/03/2022 18:20

Op I'm glad strangers showed you compassion in your time of need.
Your mum sounds incredible and you are so lucky to have such beautiful memories.
Cherish them forever.
Good luck tomorrow. Stand proud and hold your head up proud, I'm sure there will be many of us thinking about you. Thanks

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 16/03/2022 18:22

You and your dm sound lovely op. You should be very proud you had such a close relationship.. I am quite envious and wishing you well for the future. You will find strength for tomorrow - so amazing your path crossed with just the right people today! Wonder if your dm played a part in sending some support your way?

SummerHouse · 16/03/2022 18:28

You are your mother's daughter. So glad some kind people encountered you and reminded you there is good in this world. Flowers

SunsetandCupcakes · 16/03/2022 18:34

Your love for your mum will carry you through but remember that we will be there with you, when you need strength, sat here waiting inside your phone, you won't be alone.

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