Would you take a 3 year old to a funeral?

[blancoss]

DS is 3.5.

The mother of a family friend has died and her funeral is tomorrow. I met her mother a couple of times over the years but didn't know her. My mum told me she felt I should go as it would mean a lot to friend.

Only problem is, I'd have to take my restless DS. I could entertain him with videos on my phone but surely that will be too loud in the church? It's a full catholic service. It's also being live streamed.

I don't want to be a shitty person but also don't know if it's appropriate to take along a small child?

@bloodywhitecat I hope your DH gets a wonderful send off, sorry for your loss.

I think kids at funerals are entirely appropriate where the kids are well known to and were loved by the deceased. A funeral is a celebration of life and a chance to say goodbye, the loveliest ones I've been to have had beautiful eulogies with anecdotes that made everyone laugh as well as cry. Young children can actually help with the grief of those around in these situations, a sweet little face and a squishy hug from a little one is helpful in my view.

In the instance of the OP, I would say unless the DC is capable of sitting like a mouse and being quiet then the fact there was no link to the deceased means it's not appropriate to bring them.

I'm not against children at funerals but why would you think of going if you've got to keep him quiet with a phone video (shocking idea).

Opened the thread ready to say yes but then I saw it's not a close friend or relative where the child is concerned and it's a long catholic service, less sure of taking a child in those circumstances. DD has done 3 funerals around the age of 2 and was fine, I think she'd be ok still at 3 now

I took mine to my Granny's funeral - they loved each other so much, I knew Granny wouldn't mind a bit of noise (she let him get away with anything!).

I wouldn't have taken him to a random funeral though - even though he was used to attending Mass on a weekly basis, he'd still not be totally quiet, which might upset the family. My family wouldn't mind kids' noise, it's a normal part of church, but others might not like it.

@tobypercy

I should know by now just how much people here think that everyone thinks the way they do.

Everybody who was at the funeral, including the family of the deceased thought it was entirely fine. The deceased was a friend of me and DS and wouldn't have had any issue with it.

But a bunch of strangers on the internet know better than they do, obviously.

I don't see why you're getting such a hard time. I work in funerals within a church and it happens fairly regularly with small children being plugged into earphones and a phone.

It's silent, they're silent, and the families usually don't even notice and are just grateful that the parent had made an effort to be there to support them.

You can't do this. The funeral is primarily for the people closest to the deceased, and whilst an immediate close relative like the daughter or sister of the person in the box might reasonably decide that they want their child with them, a more distant acquaintance absolutely should not bring a young child along.

However you will find that childcare options for one-off occurrences like this are much easier to ask for. When my grandfather died when I had a 4yo who I didn't feel would cope with the service, I asked a friend to look after DC who I would never normally impose on but people are very understanding and accommodating when they know it's not going to be a regular thing. Or you can pay for a one-off day with a nanny via an agency.

No. I don't think funerals are a place for young kids except if a very close family member. I don't think you'd be expected to be there but appreciate it's thoughtful for you to want to support your friend but I think they would understand if you have no childcare .

Taking a well-behaved 3yr old to a funeral is fine if the parent thinks they can cope with it. Taking a child that you know will kick off without being plugged into a screen and stuffing it full of snacks is not fine. It's disrespectful. Has the OP left the room?

No I wouldn't, my own children didn't go to my mums funeral and they were 6 and 3 at the time.

Not unless it's a family funeral. My DS went to his great grandmas funeral when he was almost 3. Similar aged second cousin attended too. It was totally fine and the family enjoyed having the kids there at the "cup of tea and bite to eat" after.