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Original poster

Would you take a 3 year old to a funeral?

110 replies

blancoss · 15/03/2022 20:05

DS is 3.5.

The mother of a family friend has died and her funeral is tomorrow. I met her mother a couple of times over the years but didn't know her. My mum told me she felt I should go as it would mean a lot to friend.

Only problem is, I'd have to take my restless DS. I could entertain him with videos on my phone but surely that will be too loud in the church? It's a full catholic service. It's also being live streamed.

I don't want to be a shitty person but also don't know if it's appropriate to take along a small child?

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 15/03/2022 22:51

I didn't have my own (then little) DC to my own mother's funeral, the last thing I would have wanted is distraction from other people's kids.

GreenClock · 15/03/2022 22:52

Supporting your friend is a lovely idea, even if you didn’t know her mum well. Maybe your mother could babysit? It’s really not appropriate to bring a toddler to a funeral unless you’ve been asked specifically by the next of kin to do so. And devices shouldn’t be used during a funeral service / that’s very bad form.

RoastedFerret · 15/03/2022 22:54

I took dd to my grandfather's funeral when she was about 2. We had to travel abroad for it so leaving her behind wasn't really an option. It was fine, I managed to keep her occupied throughout(can't remember how now though it was over 10 years ago). I'm really surprised at people saying it is inappropriate to bring kids to be honest but I am in Ireland so I suppose other cultures may not be as inclusive.

Ki0612 · 15/03/2022 23:01

No send a card or flowers to support your friend or get a babysitter.

ThirdElephant · 15/03/2022 23:02

Nope.

Jamboree01 · 15/03/2022 23:10

Mine have all been to several funerals (sadly) since they were babies, toddlers etc and coped fine. They are used to being at Mass though. If I was able to sit near the back to make a quick getaway if needed, then I would. I definitely wouldn’t have screen time in a church full stop. It would be better not to go! People do understand that kids don’t always sit still. If you’re really worried- do what one of the posters above said and greet your friend outside before/ after. That is a nice way to show your respects. Or go to see the your friend at home before if possible. Personally, at my own close relatives funerals, I haven’t minded children being there at all. Again, Irish here and it’s just been a way of life with us. Parents just take them out if they become unsettled. Nobody thinks twice about it.

TerryChoc · 15/03/2022 23:14

No from me.

Jamboree01 · 15/03/2022 23:15

@GreenClock

Supporting your friend is a lovely idea, even if you didn’t know her mum well. Maybe your mother could babysit? It’s really not appropriate to bring a toddler to a funeral unless you’ve been asked specifically by the next of kin to do so. And devices shouldn’t be used during a funeral service / that’s very bad form.
‘Not appropriate to bring a toddler to a funeral unless you’ve been specifically asked by the next of kin to do so…’ is this really a thing?? I’m sure the next of kin have more to worry about than invites for children. I’d rather people felt welcome to come to celebrate my mother’s life.

I do agree with the point about devices though. Big no no.

Dinoteeth · 15/03/2022 23:16

@bloodywhitecat

It's DH's funeral on Monday, there are young children coming to his funeral but the children are significant in DH's life not just someone he met a couple of times. I am not expecting them to sit quietly for one second, maybe I am just weird but I think the children were important in his life so are equally as important in his final goodbye.
I'm really sorry. Flowers

I do think it is different when the children knew the deceased and not just someone they met once or twice.

But I really wouldn't take a 3 yo to a funeral unless I really had to. Not just them making inappropriate noise and using screens to distract.
But the questions they will ask and not have the sense to wait until outside, mum what's in the box, why are they crying, what's the man doing, look at the smoke!

Finlandandsweden · 15/03/2022 23:22

bloodywhitecat

I'm so so sorry that your DH has died. I've been following your situation for a while but had somehow missed this sad news. I'm so sorry xxx

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 15/03/2022 23:34

I’d have been quite upset if someone had turned up to my dads funeral with a 3 year old. Unless that 3 year old was incredibly close to the family it’s inappropriate.
Consider how the family might be feeling and what the funeral means to them; I wouldn’t have wanted to worry about upsetting a child because I was hysterical in a church where my dad laid in a coffin in front of us. Please don’t go if you can’t find childcare.

Jamboree01 · 15/03/2022 23:41

Again, it may be a cultural/ religious/ traditional thing but children of all ages were in attendance at every funeral I have attended in a Catholic Church. Death is talked about, and dealt with openly. Including the funerals of each of my two brothers and my mother. It was of great comfort to know that other parents/ families took time out of their own lives to pay their respects. I imagine those parents would have prepared their children for such a sad occasion and would have come to their own decision as to whether or not it was appropriate for their children to attend.

Jamboree01 · 15/03/2022 23:43

@bloodywhitecat I am so sorry for your loss. 💐🙏🏻

MrsBertBibby · 16/03/2022 00:08

I'm astonished at how hostile people are at the idea of children at a funeral.

My mother's funeral is taking place soon, I don't think there are any tinies likely to come, but it would be wonderful if there were.

My son's dad took him to a friend's funeral at 3, he was perfectly acceptably behaved, and very welcome.

Jamboree01 · 16/03/2022 00:16

@MrsBertBibby

I'm astonished at how hostile people are at the idea of children at a funeral.

My mother's funeral is taking place soon, I don't think there are any tinies likely to come, but it would be wonderful if there were.

My son's dad took him to a friend's funeral at 3, he was perfectly acceptably behaved, and very welcome.

💐💐💐 so sorry.

I’m astonished too

balalake · 16/03/2022 07:07

If the alternative really is not going then I think you should. Be prepared to go out of the church for a short while if your DS is noisy. Whilst not the reason for going, an opportunity to instil in your DS that there are times when silence is appropriate.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/03/2022 07:17

@MrsBertBibby

I'm astonished at how hostile people are at the idea of children at a funeral.

My mother's funeral is taking place soon, I don't think there are any tinies likely to come, but it would be wonderful if there were.

My son's dad took him to a friend's funeral at 3, he was perfectly acceptably behaved, and very welcome.

I wouldn't appreciate someone my nan didn't know, bringing a child she didn't know and allowing them to play on a phone. If they were perfectly behaved then whatever. But personally, unless the child knew the departed really well, a funeral isn't a place for a child anyway.
HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 16/03/2022 07:22

No.

Billandben444 · 16/03/2022 07:32

@bloodywhitecat
I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

It's DH's funeral on Monday, there are young children coming to his funeral but the children are significant in DH's life not just someone he met a couple of times. I am not expecting them to sit quietly for one second, maybe I am just weird but I think the children were important in his life so are equally as important in his final goodbye

Totally agree with the above but the difference is that the toddler wasn't important in their life - was a total stranger.

I hope the day isn't too stressful for you 💐

Spudlet · 16/03/2022 07:39

DS went to two funerals as a toddler, but both for close family members, and in both cases he was explicitly wanted there. Yes, of course the people around were sad, as was I, but it’s ok for children to see that sometimes we feel sad. We went to the wakes afterwards and in each case we all cheered up remembering the deceased, so DS saw both sides of mourning - the sadness, but also the love for the person we’ve lost. And I think that’s ok.

With all that said - I wouldn’t have taken him to a funeral unless I had been specifically told that DS was wanted there and that he would be a comfort. And I did whisk him out of the church during his first one (for my MiL, he was about 18 months old) when he got a bit grizzly.

Fifthtimelucky · 16/03/2022 07:46

It depends on the child. I'd have happily taken one of mine at that age. I wouldn't have been so keen to take the other, because she would have found it harder to sit still quietly for long periods.

It also depends on how close they are to the deceased. So, for example, a three year old grandchild is different from a three year old child if a friend.

In your case, if the child is restless and could only be kept quiet with videos then I absolutely wouldn't take him.

Navyrinse · 16/03/2022 07:49

Don't bring him. Completely inappropriate to consider screens at a funeral, and the last thing the grieving family need is a distracting child running riot. Funerals are all about paying respect and the family's needs should be the priority

coloradoqueen · 16/03/2022 07:49

No, I wouldn't. I'd send my condolences and let them know you'll be following the live stream at home.

Sailorsusan · 16/03/2022 07:49

Brought up catholic so used to kids in a mass, and wouldn't mind at all. Not everyone thinks like everyone else, and the PP who took their three year old knew the family best.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/03/2022 07:58

Not in that situation. I have taken smallDCs to the funerals of close family members but it wouldn't be appropriate to take them to the funeral of your friend's mother. Try to get a babysitter and if no luck write a letter and send flowers , following up with a call. It is really touching when friends lend their support at a funeral but you can't take a tiny child.

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