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Original poster

Would you take a 3 year old to a funeral?

110 replies

blancoss · 15/03/2022 20:05

DS is 3.5.

The mother of a family friend has died and her funeral is tomorrow. I met her mother a couple of times over the years but didn't know her. My mum told me she felt I should go as it would mean a lot to friend.

Only problem is, I'd have to take my restless DS. I could entertain him with videos on my phone but surely that will be too loud in the church? It's a full catholic service. It's also being live streamed.

I don't want to be a shitty person but also don't know if it's appropriate to take along a small child?

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 15/03/2022 20:32

No way

Kite22 · 15/03/2022 20:33

No.

Crunchymum · 15/03/2022 20:33

No kids at funerals unless it's close family.

My mum died 18 months ago. I'd have loathed any friends to have turned up with their children Shock

Crunchymum · 15/03/2022 20:34
  • Turned up at the funeral that is
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/03/2022 20:35

My nan died and I didn't take my 10 and 8 year old to her funeral. So there is no way I'd take a 3 year old.

Meltinthemiddle · 15/03/2022 20:35

I would maybe be go to show face and support but would stay outside the church. Maybe you could go the wake afterwards. I took my newborn but had planned to stay outside somehow ended up in the church with him not realising they had closed the doors 😩. I was sweating throughout the entire service longest 30 minute of my life!

DuesToTheDirt · 15/03/2022 20:51

Video on your phone during the funeral? Absolutely not.

tobypercy · 15/03/2022 20:51

I'm amazed at the almost unanimous "no".

It's your choice of course, and a lot of it depends how understanding the family is of young children.

But in the interests of balance ... I took my DS to at least one funeral age 3. It was quite a traditional church with pews, so he was able to sit on the floor and I give him a screen and headphones (with a setup chat beforehand so he knew he needed to be quiet and not sing along to his game like he sometimes did!). I also made sure I sat somewhere that would let me get out if necessary (most likely because he was making too much noise).

It was fine.

I do remember a funeral before I had kids when there was a 2-year old (fairly close family) screaming for about 2/3 of the funeral. I did find that very hard to deal with, and when I took my DS I would have been sur to leave at the first sign of problems.

Gonnagetgoing · 15/03/2022 20:56

At that age no. It’s the age of my nephew and he wouldn’t understand at all and wonder why people were crying and possibly cry himself.

It sounds like this child would be hard to entertain and using videos on your phone wouldn’t be respectful at all.

If it were a family member maybe.

thebigpurpleone · 15/03/2022 20:59

@tobypercy

I'm amazed at the almost unanimous "no".

It's your choice of course, and a lot of it depends how understanding the family is of young children.

But in the interests of balance ... I took my DS to at least one funeral age 3. It was quite a traditional church with pews, so he was able to sit on the floor and I give him a screen and headphones (with a setup chat beforehand so he knew he needed to be quiet and not sing along to his game like he sometimes did!). I also made sure I sat somewhere that would let me get out if necessary (most likely because he was making too much noise).

It was fine.

I do remember a funeral before I had kids when there was a 2-year old (fairly close family) screaming for about 2/3 of the funeral. I did find that very hard to deal with, and when I took my DS I would have been sur to leave at the first sign of problems.

It's not just about this but surely the horrible environments of funerals with everyone crying that's not nice for a baby or toddler to be witness to.
Gonnagetgoing · 15/03/2022 20:59

@tobypercy

I'm amazed at the almost unanimous "no".

It's your choice of course, and a lot of it depends how understanding the family is of young children.

But in the interests of balance ... I took my DS to at least one funeral age 3. It was quite a traditional church with pews, so he was able to sit on the floor and I give him a screen and headphones (with a setup chat beforehand so he knew he needed to be quiet and not sing along to his game like he sometimes did!). I also made sure I sat somewhere that would let me get out if necessary (most likely because he was making too much noise).

It was fine.

I do remember a funeral before I had kids when there was a 2-year old (fairly close family) screaming for about 2/3 of the funeral. I did find that very hard to deal with, and when I took my DS I would have been sur to leave at the first sign of problems.

@tobypercy - sorry but you were unreasonable for taking your son to a funeral and using headphones and a screen. Can’t believe you thought that was ok but it’s happened.
Billandben444 · 15/03/2022 21:04

@tobypercy
Disrespectful to plug a toddler into headphones and screen at a funeral. Can't imagine why anyone would think it's OK!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/03/2022 21:04

@tobypercy I am amazed you think that was ok

Wolfiefan · 15/03/2022 21:05

No

FlippyFloppyFlappy · 15/03/2022 21:05

What would have happened if they'd pulled the headphones out of the device? Between being on pins that they were going to create a scene and not going, I wouldn't go.

tomsellecksloverug · 15/03/2022 21:06

Not on your nellie. No.

nearlyspringyay · 15/03/2022 21:09

No! You met her A couple of times, totally not appropriate

HoppingPavlova · 15/03/2022 21:09

I was going to say yes, just sit at the back (give phone/iPad to play on with sound turned off and some non noisy no smell food and first sign of restlessness take them out. BUT then I read full Catholic job so that’s a no as they are hard for most adults to sit through, a child has no chance. Not being disrespectful, it’s just the truth.

MrsKeats · 15/03/2022 21:09

@tobypercy that's so astonishing that I don't know where to start.
Incredibly disrespectful behaviour.

MadMadMadamMim · 15/03/2022 21:10

@tobypercy

I'm amazed at the almost unanimous "no".

It's your choice of course, and a lot of it depends how understanding the family is of young children.

But in the interests of balance ... I took my DS to at least one funeral age 3. It was quite a traditional church with pews, so he was able to sit on the floor and I give him a screen and headphones (with a setup chat beforehand so he knew he needed to be quiet and not sing along to his game like he sometimes did!). I also made sure I sat somewhere that would let me get out if necessary (most likely because he was making too much noise).

It was fine.

I do remember a funeral before I had kids when there was a 2-year old (fairly close family) screaming for about 2/3 of the funeral. I did find that very hard to deal with, and when I took my DS I would have been sur to leave at the first sign of problems.

I'm amazed you thought this was fine, to be honest.

The family don't need to be understanding of small children. They've just suffered a bereavement and a person who wasn't a close friend of the deceased wonders whether to rock up at the funeral with a toddler in tow. Most people have the social graces to realise this is a dreadful idea.

Copenhagenoffice · 15/03/2022 21:17

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

Are there still covid restrictions on funeral numbers? If so, that’s another reason for you not to go - leave the place free for someone closer.

There haven't been any restrictions for ages...

Definitely wouldn't even consider taking a 3 year old to a funeral, probably the worst age possible.

tobypercy · 15/03/2022 21:17

I should know by now just how much people here think that everyone thinks the way they do.

Everybody who was at the funeral, including the family of the deceased thought it was entirely fine. The deceased was a friend of me and DS and wouldn't have had any issue with it.

But a bunch of strangers on the internet know better than they do, obviously.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/03/2022 21:20

@tobypercy

I should know by now just how much people here think that everyone thinks the way they do.

Everybody who was at the funeral, including the family of the deceased thought it was entirely fine. The deceased was a friend of me and DS and wouldn't have had any issue with it.

But a bunch of strangers on the internet know better than they do, obviously.

Honestly. If you were at my nans funeral last week and you kid had pulled their headphones out I would have asked you to leave.
parietal · 15/03/2022 21:20

no, definitely not.

If it were the funeral of a v close relative (e.g. sibling or parent of the child), then yes. But the mother of your friend did not know you well and can't have known your child. so this will only be a disruption and will distract the grieving family rather than support them.

send a nice card & flowers, meet for coffee in a week or two but don't go to the funeral.

Kite22 · 15/03/2022 21:22

Spot on @MadMadMadamMim