Why won’t my kids just do as they’re fucking told?!

[ColourfulOnesie]

I know you’ll all say about them being their own people not robots yadayada
But I’m not barking orders like an army general over here

I’m talking things like - ‘I’m washing uniforms tonight go and bring me any other dirty things and your pe kits’ they go upstairs, come down say there’s nothing so I wash what I have, then two days later they have no clean uniform because it’s all screwed up on their bedroom floor
‘Go get dressed so we can go out’ they go upstairs, I wait, and wait, half an hour later I go up to see what’s taking so long - they’re still sat there in pjs making no effort to move
‘Can you set the table, dinners nearly ready’ - no movement
‘Are there any dishes in your room?’ No … there’s hundreds!!
‘Shower time’ … hours pass, ‘go and get in the shower’ … half an hour still no shower!

Why?! Why do they make life so difficult!?!

Does anyone have kids who just do as they’re told?! How did you do that???

So I try make the consequences match what the problem is. Get dressed before anything (including breakfast) kitchen closes in say 15mins so if they aren't ready in that time they get no breakfast. So if they don't brush their teeth no sweet stuff because well it will cause cavities if they haven't brushed away the previous plague. Late or ignoring for turning off their screens lose screen privileges for next time. Late for getting ready for school or swimming, well they go late and have to explain themselves why they are late I won't do it for them. Don't have to eat what I provide but won't get anything else until next meal. I say this phase alot "when and "then". So when you set the table then you can eat dinner. Walk away and don't get into a power struggle, follow through. There has been a few missed meals a few losses of screen times, late with them having to explain the reason to the teacher or coach why they were late (they hated it) but I refused to explain. For my kids it works because they know I won't argue and know it's down to them to do whats excepted of them or it has matching consequences. They are 6 and 9.

yours sound just like mine op I could've written your post myself so you are not alone. mine are 14 and 9.

We had televised demonstrations on how to do it properly! 30 seconds, singing happy birthday and so forth. Even Bozo did one as well if I recall.

And that made zero difference for many people. But, I think that PP was saying that even before the pandemic they were raised to wash their hands when they come, so idk how the pandemic is relevant to that.

@Quamora

I feel your pain. Last night my 14 year old walked in his room and I told him to put any dirty washing in the basket so I could get a wash on first thing. At bedtime I reminded him ‘make sure you put all your washing out’

This morning he hadn’t put any out so I banged on his door, he brought out a couple of items. ‘DS there’s no uniform or football kit in that, if you don’t bring it in the next 30 seconds it won’t be washed for next week’
He brought out his blazer.

3 hours later he’s filled the basket

Isn’t this where they learn for themselves, they will only go into school stinking once.. or out with their friends in dirty smelly clothes once or whatever it is they’re doing.

My dd(12) is the same. I do a mixture of things.
I ask how long is left on the thing she is watching. Then say 'when that Finishes, I want you to switch off screen and...' I set a timer on Alexa for the time she said so I go back to her at the right time to make sure she doesn't sleep walk into whatever is up next.
Tbh I don't ask her to do as many chores as her sisters did because it's just too much effort for me.
I have set days for her to shower so that she knows when to expect to be told.It is now much better than it was, as the days are not up for negotiation. If she takes ages, she's used up her TV time.
I give in early if I am going to give in. Better than digging heels in over an issue I am not going to win.

Then I start losing my shit, and start confiscating phones and games, and they act like I’m a complete psycho.
It’s so draining

I used to lean this way and then my mum pointed out I was forever painting myself into a corner so if dd raised the odds I couldn't!

She said start relatively small to give yourself room to escalate if needed so eg instead of an instant weeks grounding/confiscating all fun devices start with 1 day/thing. They backchat, argue, refuse to do whatever task then it's 2 days etc

Doesn't have to be grounding whatever consequence works for your kids.

@Mummyoflittledragon I have ocd so I'm aware I'm more on this stuff than most but everyone I know washes hands after being out now even my very non germophobe dd

Its easier to do things yourself and much more faff to be relentlessly consistent, but you really see the difference.

Yes easier short term not long term

because they know I won't argue

Yea that was me too

New friend I mentioned of dds before also once tried to persuade her to break curfew, I'm told not only dd but a chorus of her older friends went

"Noooo graph won't stand for that dd would be grounded for a week!" (She would have been for this)

@Graphista
I would like to think so too!

@Nikolaus
I was talking about the 2 posters, who don’t see the need rather than those, who agreed with me.

I have young teens. I’ve found the best way to “train them up” is to do things with them. Not necessarily the same thing, but get them doing chores near you while you are also doing chores. So I get them tidying their bedroom while I do mine and clean the bathroom as it’s all on the same floor. We set a timer and put on music.

After I’ve done this for 6 months I can say “can you go and clean your rooms, I have to do X” and they will go off and clean their rooms (though not necessarily as well as they might if I was there - they frequently cannot see rubbish on the floor right in front of them). Then I slowly increase the frequency with which I have to do X.

I also find this method is more fun (though possibly more time consuming) than everyone doing chores separately and means I have someone to help fold a sheet or something and I don’t have to run upstairs to answer a question when they can’t find A or are arguing over what to do with B.

I see you have younger kids who need extra attention too, so this might not be practical. But if there’s a way for you to include them in the chores (even if it’s make work) that might help to. Most kids crave adult attention (even when they complain about it!) and being around them rather than sending them off on their own makes a huge difference. Also, I’ve found, little and often beats letting everything pile up and having a marathon session.

@Quamora

I feel your pain. Last night my 14 year old walked in his room and I told him to put any dirty washing in the basket so I could get a wash on first thing. At bedtime I reminded him ‘make sure you put all your washing out’

This morning he hadn’t put any out so I banged on his door, he brought out a couple of items. ‘DS there’s no uniform or football kit in that, if you don’t bring it in the next 30 seconds it won’t be washed for next week’
He brought out his blazer.

3 hours later he’s filled the basket

Say no more. Stop doing his laundry for him , let him run out of clean clothes, and let him take the consequences. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

After he grasps there is no more laundry service, you show him how to use the washing machine, dryer, iron, and leave him to get on with it.

At 14 he can do his own washing.

@Vitani

Really? Ew

Yeah, no family or friends I have ever had or currently know do this.

Well first of all I sincerely doubt that you know the personal habits of everyone in your life, and secondly wake up, being dirty is not cool.

Well first of all I sincerely doubt that you know the personal habits of everyone in your life, and secondly wake up, being dirty is not cool.

I mean, I've stayed with plenty of family and been outside with them, had loads of sleepovers as a kid, meet friends out and then go back to their homes with them, and yeah I've never witnessed that.

Not saying everyone I know doesn't, but in all the times I've been outside with someone and then gone back to a house with them, they haven't been going off to wash their hands unless they are also going to the toilet.

I'm not saying there's no point in it, just that it's not something I've been taught to do or was aware of others around me doing.

And I'm not talking about during the pandemic, that's quite different, as it's really been drilled in about washing them due to the pandemic, but pre-pandemic I've just never been around someone who I've seen do this, that's all.

@dollymuchymuchness “By that age he’s old enough to start taking responsibility for his own washing. What’s difficult about putting a wash on?”
I have on occasion made my teenagers do their own washing when they’ve missed the boat for me doing it but it’s a massive waste of energy for them to do that when I’ve already done a load it could go in. I’d rather just make them go without clean clothes if they can’t be bothered to put it in the basket than let them run extra loads.

@FTEngineerM
“Isn’t this where they learn for themselves, they will only go into school stinking once.. or out with their friends in dirty smelly clothes once or whatever it is they’re doing.”

You’d think…

Yes, where are these mystical teenagers who notice that their clothes are so ripe they can walk to the laundry basket themselves? Mine doesn't :o I have to let him know that he needs to change them. I didn't at that age either.

12 and 10? If they are not there when you are dishing up, dish yours up, eat it. They can have theirs cold. Uniform on the floor? Don't wash it until it appears in the basket or wherever they should put dirty clothes to be washed.

BertieBotts that rather depends whether they're 13 or 17... Certainly my 16 year old does all her own laundry and I haven't had to remind or suggest she wash her clothes let alone change them in years. She hogs the machine by putting her washing in at 11pm then leaving it there and going to college the next morning knowing she's got her babysitting job straight after and won't be hone until 9:30pm the next day ... it's not all perfect but most certainly by 16 NT (and some non NT) teenagers can be fully aware of and in charge of washing their clothes and all aspects of personal hygiene without any problems!

Well neither me or my teenager are NT, which, actually, I'd never considered for that factor before, so that does make a lot of sense.

He's quite good now I've given him a formula to be fair. T-shirts, socks and pants worn for 1 day each. Hoodies max 3 days or as soon as food gets spilled on them. Trousers max 5 or same. But he would quite happily wear clothes for around 3 weeks before changing them, and sleep in them too 🤢

BertieBotts I work with young adults (21-30) who have various neurodiversity and learning disabilities and some of them are really very on the ball indeed about personal hygiene and their own laundry - more so I'd venture to say than the "average" person, while some are very much oblivious and would happily live by the old medieval maxim of "shed nerry a clout til May is out" 🤣 Neurodiversity does play a role (which can go either way) irrespective of the learning disabilities which apply to the people I work with.

Formula sounds good. My own teen son (just 15) just puts everything in the wash every single day and his pyjamas and big bath towel every morning, which creates almost a full machine just of his stuff every day, which is too far the other way! I haven't yet pushed him towards doing his own laundry only because I'm slightly concerned about never getting access to the machine myself if he also follows his sister's "put it in and then go out" model... We'll need set laundry days each like house sharers...

Mine would put their CLEAN laundry into the washing pile when they couldnt be bothered to put it away when forced to tidy their rooms. Now that was annoying

Trying to do natural consequences too. Currently avoiding going in DD’s room which looks like an image from a training course I went on on hoarding! It’s a battle of wills. I used to get fed up then tidy it until one day she asked if I’d cleaned her room. Nope. Not her maid!

Also the poster who said ‘ no please or thankyou’ and added the PA HTH..,, please……🙄

Think about your job of getting your children to be independent people by the time they are 18. Sit them down, when they don't have other stuff to claim their attention, get some good snacks, and have this conversation. Ask them for suggestions of what behaviours would lead to more independence. You might be surprised. Review every three months.

@minniesdragg

Mine would put their CLEAN laundry into the washing pile when they couldnt be bothered to put it away when forced to tidy their rooms. Now that was annoying

Oh yes! This is so bloody angering haha

My 17yo DS learned to do his own washing but my 13yo DS is currently doing this and then complains when he has to put it away (and so the cycle begins again 🤦🏻‍♀️)