Why won’t my kids just do as they’re fucking told?!

[ColourfulOnesie]

I know you’ll all say about them being their own people not robots yadayada
But I’m not barking orders like an army general over here

I’m talking things like - ‘I’m washing uniforms tonight go and bring me any other dirty things and your pe kits’ they go upstairs, come down say there’s nothing so I wash what I have, then two days later they have no clean uniform because it’s all screwed up on their bedroom floor
‘Go get dressed so we can go out’ they go upstairs, I wait, and wait, half an hour later I go up to see what’s taking so long - they’re still sat there in pjs making no effort to move
‘Can you set the table, dinners nearly ready’ - no movement
‘Are there any dishes in your room?’ No … there’s hundreds!!
‘Shower time’ … hours pass, ‘go and get in the shower’ … half an hour still no shower!

Why?! Why do they make life so difficult!?!

Does anyone have kids who just do as they’re told?! How did you do that???

My two children always did as they were asked to do when young, no shouting or anything,. There is always a way of asking children to do things when asked, without it being a big performance.

We did the chores list on the kitchen door for dishes, cooking etc.
They were responsible for their own washing at that age, so only had themselves to blame if washing not done.
We did sit down at a house meeting ( DH and his bloody bell). Jobs sorted and agreed to, chore list written. It was agreed we all contributed to running of household given we all lived there.
When they tried to default their cooking night to me, I pushed back and said swap with siblings.
They are now independent women.
You will survive this

Clear and direct ORDERS - in tone not volume

"Dirty uniforms etc to the washer now please"

"Upstairs and dressed ready to go in x minutes please"

"Set the table for dinner now please"

"Dirty dishes to the kitchen now please"

"A you're in the shower first now please B you're next A don't keep B waiting crack on"

Channel your inner head teacher, don't shout but project your voice, clipped enunciation and a lower tone.

If in 5 mins not done repeat slightly raised voice and

"If it's not started/done in x mins there will be Y consequence"

And stick to it!

Mine also couldn't have cared less about screentime being an anachronistic technophobe herself! But what she DID care about was outdoor time daily and seeing friends so consequences based on that worked for us.

Every kid and parent is different, what DO they care about and what WOULD they mind missing out on?

Grounding? Loss of pocket money? Loss of a gadget for an entire week? Lifts?

There will be something

I used to set alarms for task deadlines

They're also plenty old enough to have set daily and weekly chores they are responsible for and actually the 12 year old is old enough to do laundry! At the very least sort and put loads in washer with detergent super easy these days, time they learned.

My tactic with things like "that's all the dirty laundry/dishes from my room mum" when it clearly was not was

"And if I go in an check? What will I find?" Which usually got her arse moving cos she knew if I went in and found stuff she hasn't even bothered to look for she'd lose 2 privileges instantly - 1 for not doing the job 1 for lying about it! I didn't tolerate lying EVER!

Do you threaten and then not follow through?

Yea you really have to do this

I had a rule if dds room wasn't done by noon sat no pocket money

I’m not great at being strict

This isn't being strict it's parenting

Our job as parents is that by the time they're 16 imo they are almost the capable, self sufficient confident adults they need to be at 18 by being adults in terms of practical abilities.

That's chores, personal hygiene, time management, managing money, planning journeys

Not saying my method works 100% of the time but it worked most of it

If your son didn’t do most of the cleaning then that’s the answer why he doesn’t care. Mum will fix it anyway.

Agree with this I'm afraid

The problem with these natural consequences is that it often impacts on the parent as well

As does the lack of action/effort!

The former improves the behaviour the latter worsens it

Agree with BertieBotts set days/times mean they become habit

Friday was laundry day in mine due to school uniform and work clothes then they'd dry over the weekend

Sat was dds room tidying day

Soon as she was in from school it was change clothes (so no dinner spilled on uniform), lunch box into kitchen to be washed, bag prepped for next day.

THEN she was allowed out to play/see friends and not before - it's MUCH harder to drag them IN to do this stuff than prevent them going out.

1 hour before bedtime was shower/bath, teeth brushed, into pjs, into bed, bit of a read before sleep

Doing things at the same time every day really helps

As an excuse he often says: 'mum you want to see how disgusting my friends' bedrooms are.'

My response to that one was mainly along lines of "my house my rules"!

I don't care what other peoples homes are like that's their business if their parents are mug enough to tolerate that then that's their problem I'm not going to!

It's just another version of "but everyone else does it" isn't it - which isn't usually true anyway!

I've only skimmed the thread so haven't seen if this has already mentioned.
I wonder if you're not being explicit enough. Often with communication we think we're saying something but it's not always completely received that way. It could be that your kids are extremely literal and aren't picking up exactly what you're trying to convey.
For example;

‘I’m washing uniforms tonight go and bring me any other dirty things and your pe kits’
I may have interpreted the dirty part of this request incorrectly. I'd have looked at my worn school uniform and thought, well they aren't "dirty". I would have fared much better with a direct - go and bring down the uniform you wore today / the uniforms on your floor etc. Even better would be simply to make them put uniforms in a laundry basket AS SOON as they were removed.

‘Go get dressed so we can go out' they go upstairs, I wait, and wait
Without a timeframe they might feel like they can take however long they want. You are implying they need to do it quickly with the "so we can go out" but they can't necessarily pick up on that.

‘Can you set the table, dinners nearly ready’- no movement

Can you or "would you like to"requests aren't direct requests. Yeah, they can do it. Doesn't mean they'll then realise they are expected to! Set the table now please - dinner is nearly ready is a much clearer instruction.

‘Are there any dishes in your room?’
I would have thought this one would have been clear enough but again, please bring down any plates and cups in your room might work better?

‘Shower time’ … hours pass

There's no explicit instruction here.

‘go and get in the shower’ … half an hour still no shower!
There's no timeframe here. Please go and shower now (or perhaps straight after this episode is finished, or when the timer goes off etc). Give them a clear message and a clear timeframe.

I know some people will say what I'm saying is ridiculous. But for children who think a certain way it can really help.

Mine are pretty good now but you do need to train them. Use timeframes. Check theyve done it, male them do it again if not good enough. Basically it has to be less hassle for them to just do it the first time.

12 yo should be perfectly capable of learning to use washing machine. My 10yo can. If DS doesn’t bring uniform when I ask, it doesn’t get washed, and he does it. He will take clothes out of the WM to dry on the rack.
You need to stop doing stuff for them as they are at an age where they can do it themselves.

@DropYourSword
My 13 yo dd is one of these people you describe. She is given timescales and clear instructions in the requests. She still doesn’t manage do everything in those timescales.

Sticking points for me:

• Coming downstairs when I call and ask her to come down now please to eat. I call her again and if she is just nattering to her friends on FaceTime and doesn’t come, her food gets cold, tough. She knows I’m cooking and the approximate time it will be ready as we’ve already discussed the meal and what time I’m aiming for.

• Caring about timings for going out. She does a lot of activities. Having reminded her of a time to be ready by and having reminded her to get ready for said time, if she’s not downstairs as that time approaches, I start to get antsy. Eg ‘You are going to be late, we need to go now’ or ‘X will be here to collect you in 5 mins hurry up please’. Her answer ‘I don’t care. I’m not going out like this’, and why? Her hair. Hair is an absolute obsession and has been since she started school.

• Hand washing. Needs reminding systematically to wash her hands when she comes home. ‘Have you washed your hands? No? Do it now please.’ I’m a parrot. Friends are the same, don’t hand wash unless prompted.

• Never airs her room. I have given up on this one and open her windows for a long time once a week.

She does her homework the day she gets it, brings washing down, tidies clean clothes away and generally keeps her room tidy. She also does not take food / dishes upstairs. We’ve always had a hard no on that score.

But even some of these are frustrating. She will forgo doing things, at times including eating, in order to complete her homework. I do keep her food warm for this one. And the typical something has been worn for two seconds is dirty.

She is learning and getting more flexible. But it takes time and a lot of energy and reminders. And of course I have lots of back chat and inability to see me as a person with needs.

some adults can't organise selves or only at last minute (procrastinators). It's not an easy life skill for many. I'm beyond caring why.

If it's important I'd stand over them until the task is done yes at 10 or 12 or age 46 husbands-- . "I'm not leaving the room until this is done" calmness.

fwiw, My husband can't understand that I need so much time to prepare things. I'm terrible at doing anything last minute, especially under pressure, whereas husband can "get ready" in micro-minutes. Teen DS can do things last minute under pressure very well -- he has heaps of under-pressure performance skills like other procrastinators. Skills that I never developed because I'm a careful plodder & planner.

World needs all sorts.

@blockbustervideo

I've heard no "please" or "thank you" when you ask your kids for help. Maybe start there.

HTH.

Sanctimonious wotsit. HTH

Mine are older but I found giving some autonomy helped/helps.
When things were tricky sometimes we used to sit ours down and say "look we don't like nagging you but some things need doing and you need to be responsible for them. What's the easiest way for both of us to achieve this?' - that's when our kids came up with the autonomy thing and it did really work for us. So I say stuff like "by 3 o'clock I need the dishwasher emptied, your dirty washing in the basket and you need to have had your shower" (for example. I don't need to remind them about showers now they're older!) It gets done but they feel a bit in control. But I think consequences get a bit easier as well when they're young teenagers if they're dependent on you to take them to places. Mine didn't get to go where they wanted until they had done what I needed them to do.
Good luck. I think your children's ages are probably the trickiest in some ways.

Do you not have a communal wash box? I was never allowed to just throw my clothes onto the bedroom floor or whatever, it all had to go straight into the wash box.

The issue is that many teens are happy to live in a messy environment, and happy not to dust or clean, so simply not doing it for them won't necessarily force their hand into doing it themselves.

Hand washing. Needs reminding systematically to wash her hands when she comes home.

I must admit, I've never heard of this being a thing.

Also, I personally think all your instructions are very clear as they are.

"Can you set the table, dinner is nearly ready" means go and set the table now. Any teenager who thinks it doesn't, unless they aren't NT, is being difficult on purpose - "well yes, I can, but you didn't actually say it needs doing now". rude behaviour.

@Vitani

Hand washing. Needs reminding systematically to wash her hands when she comes home.

I must admit, I've never heard of this being a thing.

Really? Ew

@sweetbellyhigh why, what do you do w your hands outside of the house?

[quote Porcupineintherough]@sweetbellyhigh why, what do you do w your hands outside of the house?[/quote]
Think of all the things you touch whether you are shopping or on the bus or tube, using a petrol station. It is basic hygiene to wash your hands when you arrive home. We were taught that since we were children.

I’ll refuse to discuss anything else with mine until they’ve done the chore. ‘Change out of your uniform’ (child dithers and obviously is attempting to ignore request) ‘what’s for dinner?’ ‘I’m not discussing anything until you’ve changed’.

I discovered once when I lost my voice and had to really limit when I spoke to them that actually saying less around chores/tasks is way more effective and saved my voice for nice stuff like stories

Really? Ew

Yeah, no family or friends I have ever had or currently know do this.

I actually think the people who do are probably in the minority. It would be interested to see a poll of the nation

One word, consequences.

They have to see what happens when there are no clean clothes, the table isn’t set etc.
You have to be harsh to make it work sometimes.

@ColourfulOnesie

Sorry ages are quite important here aren’t they - they’re 12 & 10

This is my kids OP.

It’s so frustrating isn’t it, you ask nicely so many times, just to be completely ignored.

Then I start losing my shit, and start confiscating phones and games, and they act like I’m a complete psycho.
It’s so draining

Can’t believe 2 years into a pandemic people on the thread are discussing hand washing. 😂

We had televised demonstrations on how to do it properly! 30 seconds, singing happy birthday and so forth. Even Bozo did one as well if I recall.

Hands. Space. Face. Was one slogan.

My kids do do as they're told - ages 10-16.

Of course its partly personality - I'm lucky and they're quite amenable.

Honestly its not only that though. If one of the doesn't put their plate in the dishwasher for example, they have to come back downstairs or stop whatever they're doing and do it. Its easier to do things yourself and much more faff to be relentlessly consistent, but you really see the difference.

I'm a learning disabilities nurse in a residential setting for 14 adults with learning disabilities most of whom have no physical disabilities but do have either psychiatric diagnoses or neurological disorders, and work solo a lot of the time, and honestly a lot of the being relentlessly consistent and endlessly calmly repeating myself, and never doing anything for them they could do themselves even though its inevitably more work that way is the same at work as it is parenting typically developing teens and pre teens...

As maddiemookins16mum says consequences aren't confiscating phones for claiming to have no dirty washing - the consequence of saying you've no washing when you have is having no clean clothes and having to wash your own (under close supervision which is more faff than doing the task for them if that's necessary due to their age and capabilities, but the child should be inconvenienced in a way as completely relevant to what they've done as possible, not just randomly punished).