I have PND and I wish someone would take my daughter away

[Aisforharlot]

I love her tremendously, but I hate having a baby. I'm terrified of spending time alone with her (which happens tomorrow), I'm terrified she'll have a bad night and I won't get sleep.
She's my second DC and was unplanned, DS is 8.
I'm already under the perinatal mental health team and I still feel this way. I'm on two psych meds and I still feel this way (citalopram and olanzapine)
I feel quite dispassionate writing this. I love her but I wish I could hand her over to someone and just walk away.
Sometimes I have dark days and want to dissipate into the sky or burrow into the ground forever.
I don't want to look after her. I hate having a baby. I wish I could go back to just having DS.
I want to stop feeling like this but it's all so bloody relentless groundhog day. I didn't really like DS til he was at least 5, he's much better now he's 8. Will I just be miserable for 8 years?

I wrote almost the same as you about three years ago, my user name refers.

It does get better. It really does. Keep talking and taking your meds. Spend time outside.

I felt exactly as you describe. It does get better. If you can ask family to pitch in sleep often helps

Sometimes she'll cry and I literally don't care. I'll just sit with her while she's crying if I know she's fed and changed etc. Like, it doesn't effect me, I go within myself.
I can barely get anything done around the house, I haven't done homework with DS since she was born, I've just given up. I didn't brush my hair today. I don't remember when I last cleaned the loo.

I don't even feel like I love DS like I usually do. I just want to go, god knows where. I want to disappear. I want to sleep, that's all I really crave.

I felt like that. I promise it gets better. It's great you're getting proper help.
Take it day by day, don't beat yourself up for the way you feel.
Sending love x

@Theyweretheworstoftimes Does it actually? It's so hard to believe. All I want is sleep, I tremendously fear not getting it.

How old is your daughter?

Sorry I have no helpful advice, but I only started enjoying my DC when they were 6yo and 8yo. I always loved them, but it felt like I had to look after them rather than wanting to. I loved sending them to nursery and having some time to myself again.
They are now 9yo and 11yo and I love having them in my life They are like fine wine, getting better with age :)

I was like this and was actually thinking about it today. Thinking about that tiredness and I'm sure I'd never have got to the point I didn't with proper nights of sleep. Do you have any help from family or friends? Take any help you can, even just someone holding her for 5 minutes. It does get easier but my kids are 4 and 2 and I'm predominantly on my own with them. I still have days when I wish I hadn't had them and that they would just disappear (or that I could). But despite how hard it is now, those first few months were the worst. I promise it will get better. I'm still on meds and struggle massively but I have lots of good times now too. You're not on your own.

Another adding my voice and saying it does get better. My dd is almost 3 and her first year was horrendous. How long have you been on your meds? Worth noting that they take time to work, and that the first thing you try might not be the best. I’ve tried different anti depressants over the years, some haven’t worked and some have made me actively worse. The one that has consistently worked for me is called Trazodone. I don’t think it’s routinely prescribed as it’s a fairly old fashioned drug, but it’s worked brilliantly for me when I’ve needed it. Big hugs and a handhold here, I’ve never felt despair like it x

When my children were toddlers, a Home Start volunteer would come to my house. She would sit on the sofa with the DC and read them books and sing them songs whilst I cleaned areas of the house.

www.home-start.org.uk

How old is she OP? I had a lot of days like this in the first 18 months with my first. I had PND/A. Actually I didn't believe the diagnosis and thought I'd made a huge mistake but I had another DD Years later and expects to feel the same of the first couple of years (But wanted to get through it for the family it would create) and actually had a totally different experience. So don't feel guilty - it's your illness speaking.
This will eventually pass. As you know it does get better.
Are you getting any time totally to yourself - not working or doing childcare? Make that a priority first, even if it's just a couple of hours every fortnight. It could make a huge difference just knowing you have that time

I'll add I also used to absolutely dread it getting late and knowing bedtime was nearly upon me. I hated those long lonely nights. I remember once hearing my daughters breathing change slightly and panicking something was wrong and instead of getting up to check her I lay in bed and thought 'well at least if the worst happened I could sleep' They were dark days.

Are the DC's dad(s) in the picture?

Thanks everyone.
She's 3 months.
I get time to myself to go to the gym, which really helps.
Every time I get time to myself, even just taking DS to school, I utterly dread getting back to her. It builds the closer to home I get and I pray for traffic. Sometimes I take ways I know are traffic-y just to avoid her.

I felt like that with baby 2. Felt like I would never be happy again and planned to just leave and got information on nannies to leave for my husband.
He cried a lot and I couldn't help him but gradually started having nice moments, like a beaming smile, and tried to remember how those moments felt in rubbish moments until it all grew better and better. I probably struggled for a good year until I realised he was just amazing and I loved him so much I had a third which was unimaginable in those first months.
I was obsessed with sleep and naps though, I needed predictable routine for my own sleep habits never mind my children. Am happy to go to bed very early and get up very early though.
I think a lot of it was the loneliness of being awake at night/ very early and worrying about the next round of naps. I'm so happy now though!

@beenaroundtheblox Yeah, I've definitely had thoughts like that.

You need to talk to your doctor about upping or changing your meds. The things you're saying about your baby are quite sad to read. Please seek more help.

Can also promise it gets better. I told my husband in all seriousness that I thought it would be best if we gave our (long planned for and much wanted) eldest child up for adoption. I can’t bear to think of it now.

When our younger son was a baby I thought all the time about running away and starting a new life.

Please keep talking to the mental health team. One day at a time. Don’t look 8 years ahead. It won’t help.

Take care and keep writing here if it helps xx

@duvetdayforeveryone I've self referred to HomeStart and I'm on their waiting list.

@GregBrawlsInDogJail Yes, we live together. Nominally separated which was terribly stressful and certainly hasn't helped, but he wants to get back together.

My DM suffered from severe postnatal depression when she had me (her fourth child) and she talks about that time much as you do. She got an evening job so that she could hand me over to me DF as soon as he got home from work and get away from me, and she says that saved her. It got better after about two years. She was the most brilliant DGM to my DDs when they were small, which made me feel so happy to watch. Depression is relentless and exhausting and makes you feel like you are apart from life. But it’s the illness, not you. As worstoftimes says, take your meds, get outside if the sun is shining, don’t beat yourself up about things not getting done, as you will get there. Do you have any friends or family locally who can support you by taking your baby for a walk while you nap or doing something with your DS?

@ThatsNotMyGolem I've just upped the dose of one. This is the thing, I have all help available and I still feel like this...there is almost nothing they haven't thrown at me, I was even in a mother and baby unit for a week for terrible anxiety just after birth. And I still feel like this. I don't know what else I can reasonably do.

Easy blue, OP already feels very down.
Are you able to access any childcare OP?

It will get better.

Sod off @bluedodecagon - you've clearly never experienced PND and have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

OP please ignore that post and concentrate on all the good advice and compassionate support other posters are offering. We understand.

@bluedodecagon I don't resent her and I wanted her, and I'm on board with abortion. I'm ill.