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Original poster

I have PND and I wish someone would take my daughter away

73 replies

Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 18:46

I love her tremendously, but I hate having a baby. I'm terrified of spending time alone with her (which happens tomorrow), I'm terrified she'll have a bad night and I won't get sleep.
She's my second DC and was unplanned, DS is 8.
I'm already under the perinatal mental health team and I still feel this way. I'm on two psych meds and I still feel this way (citalopram and olanzapine)
I feel quite dispassionate writing this. I love her but I wish I could hand her over to someone and just walk away.
Sometimes I have dark days and want to dissipate into the sky or burrow into the ground forever.
I don't want to look after her. I hate having a baby. I wish I could go back to just having DS.
I want to stop feeling like this but it's all so bloody relentless groundhog day. I didn't really like DS til he was at least 5, he's much better now he's 8. Will I just be miserable for 8 years?

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/03/2022 21:19

Ps talking therapy is useful if you can get it.

Robin233 · 04/03/2022 04:34

@Aisforharlot

My diet isn't brilliant (lots of chocolate), but always prioritise the protein as I'm a weight lifter. I don't drink.
^^^
Drop the chocolate op
Guarantee this will be affecting your moods.
I don't have caffeine at all these days
Although hard at first (withdrawal headaches and fatigue) once through that - about 5 days, your mood will improve.
The sugar in chocolate will be giving you artificial highs which cause a sugar crash where your sugar goes really low - and you feel terrible

beenaroundtheblox · 04/03/2022 10:02

@myyellowcar

OP there is a book called Something to live for and the author had severe PND. She describes how in the Mother and Baby unit they don’t even start therapy until they have recovered and rested from the sleep deprivation. For her, tackling the sleep deprivation was the start of getting better. It’s worth looking up if you think it might be helpful to read through.

I hope you feel better soon and don’t feel bad about feeling this way despite the support. You’ll find a chink of light soon.

This makes perfect sense. You can't heal mentally (or even physically) while you're so sleep deprived. I bet in most cases after you're rested the PND feeling will be only half as bad as it was before.

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PeterPomegranate · 04/03/2022 10:28

@Cozytoesandtoast00

Prioritise sleep whenever you can, my Lovely. This should be your first focus.
Yep. I had regular visits from a CPN and she always asked how much sleep I was getting and we discussed ways I could get more.

I found that normal everyday things seemed impossible when I didn’t get much sleep.

BillyBilly · 04/03/2022 10:43

When I had PND, I DID get someone to take my baby away. Sort of. But it really helped.
I got a local childminder to take him from 12-3 every weekday. It was a financial priority because I just couldn't cope otherwise. It broke up the day for me, so it didn't seem to stretch out endlessly bleak. I used to come home and sleep.
Even if you don't feel anything when she cries, just try and hold her. She will get comfort from the physical touch of being held, even if your feelings aren't there at the moment.

Piggyk2 · 04/03/2022 10:53

What's your baby like OP? Are they a good sleeper?

Have you got a friend or a family member that can assist you weekly? I could not bare the sound of a crying newborn it goes through me. You sound your doing amazing OP..

Have you sorted your contraception for future purposes?

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 04/03/2022 11:01

I really don’t want to give you advice that might make you feel worse but can I gently say that one/both/combination of meds could be making it worse? I was put on a migraine medication when my twins were 5 years old and I basically just sat in a chair for 3 months. I told my mum in front of my children that if I had a gun I would shoot myself, I was exhausted, numb and detached. The side effects did eventually wear off but I regret ever taking them. It was the most horrendous time.

Hopefully the meds will settle and help but just be mindful that they may be making your PND feelings worse.

I hope you manage to get more time to yourself and that you can begin to feel joy soon xxxx

Original poster
Aisforharlot · 04/03/2022 11:38

I wanted to update that we're currently sitting in the gym with a coffee post workout/crèche, and having lots of cuddles and kisses.
I'm terrified of going back home with her and being alone but I'll manage somehow.

OP posts:
Madeintowerhamlets · 04/03/2022 11:43

Lots of us have been there OP & can relate. I have had depression twice but I found postnatal depression by far the hardest. I’m another voice in favour of Sertraline. I’ve been on citalopram too but Sertraline has been so effective in terms of my sleep & anxiety. It does get better.

neatlittlerows · 04/03/2022 16:43

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot has reminded me that when I took metaclopromide for HG I cried every day and just felt like I was a black hole. It disappeared as soon as I stopped taking it. Maybe checking your meds is a good idea - could be that the GP can find a better fit. Best of luck OP and well done for getting yourself to the gym today. Hope it helped 🙂

Thatsplentyjack · 04/03/2022 16:50

I was like this with my second. I was so stressed and anxious and never ever got a break from him. I was also very angry. I just felt angry all the time and my partner didn't help (he was fucking useless actually).
It didn't get help, but even without the help I did get better, so hopefully it will get better for you faster with help.
I was terrified when I was pregnant with my third that it would be the same but it wasn't.
Is she a difficult baby? Does she cry a lot?

Piggyk2 · 04/03/2022 17:21

I just felt angry all the time and my partner didn't help (he was fucking useless actually

Ohhh I can so relate to this when I had my DS his dad was the exact same!

Neotraditional · 04/03/2022 17:32

My heart breaks for you, OP, but you will definitely get through this. Just take each day as it comes and slowly your life will get brighter. Your daughter is lucky to have a mum who is so aware of how she feels and willing to access all help available to get better Flowers

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 04/03/2022 17:36

You are doing so well. Well done for going out today. Thinking of you

Thatsplentyjack · 04/03/2022 19:35

@Piggyk2

I just felt angry all the time and my partner didn't help (he was fucking useless actually

Ohhh I can so relate to this when I had my DS his dad was the exact same!

Yup. I don't know about you but I still feel quite a lot of resentment towards him for that. He was slightly better with the third but then I didn't have pnd with her so didn't really need him.
Original poster
Aisforharlot · 05/03/2022 20:02

Good day yesterday, worse day today. Everything seems so dark and I'm scared all of the time. I feel like every day is a bad dream I can't wake up from.
Trying to hold onto the hope I felt yesterday.

OP posts:
Theyweretheworstoftimes · 05/03/2022 22:40

You will have ups and downs. Try to breathe and remember it's a new day tomorrow

canary1 · 05/03/2022 22:47

Sorry haven’t read everything but - can you get any help with her do you have a break regularly? Partner, family- anyone?
You really need this right now. It will get better, and easier, but your partner or someone needs to help with the practicalities of raising baby right now. You can’t do all the nights, days - can you make this clear to your partner ?

I hop

canary1 · 05/03/2022 22:48

Sorry pressed post too soon

I hope you start to feel better soon

Stompythedinosaur · 05/03/2022 22:49

Oh op - you aren't well, be kind to yourself!

I found having a baby incredibly hard without the additional difficulties you are having.

You won't always feel this way. Just get through however you can x.

Treetops12 · 12/08/2022 21:18

@Aisforharlot how are you doing now? I was just reading through this thread, I could have written it myself. I feel very similar. Detached and lacking feelings of love for my kids or anyone.

My depression is very anxiety based with lots of adrenaline and agitation too and crap sleep.

I hope you are doing much better now.
Did olanzapine help at all? My psych has suggested it (on it's own) I'm afraid of massive weight gain, which i know should be least of my worries. Xx

Smellyoldowls22 · 13/08/2022 09:03

@Treetops12
Olanzapine definitely helps, especially with anxiety. I have gained weight but mostly from eating like an arse.

How do I feel now? Hmmm.
Baby is now 8.5 months old, I've left abusive relationship with her dad.
I'm less terrified of her, but still feel utter despair fairly often. I love her more though and I feel our relationship is growing.

It's definitely a long journey to feeling better. Being on my own doesn't help, but it is preferable to emotional abuse.

Smellyoldowls22 · 13/08/2022 09:05

I'm sorry you're feeling rough and finding things hard. How old is yours?

Definitely give the meds a try, if they help then brilliant. I am also on venlafaxine.

I hope it helps to know you're not on your own! Feel free to DM me anytime, I honestly do get it.

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