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Original poster

I have PND and I wish someone would take my daughter away

73 replies

Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 18:46

I love her tremendously, but I hate having a baby. I'm terrified of spending time alone with her (which happens tomorrow), I'm terrified she'll have a bad night and I won't get sleep.
She's my second DC and was unplanned, DS is 8.
I'm already under the perinatal mental health team and I still feel this way. I'm on two psych meds and I still feel this way (citalopram and olanzapine)
I feel quite dispassionate writing this. I love her but I wish I could hand her over to someone and just walk away.
Sometimes I have dark days and want to dissipate into the sky or burrow into the ground forever.
I don't want to look after her. I hate having a baby. I wish I could go back to just having DS.
I want to stop feeling like this but it's all so bloody relentless groundhog day. I didn't really like DS til he was at least 5, he's much better now he's 8. Will I just be miserable for 8 years?

OP posts:
Gowithme · 03/03/2022 19:15

Have you got any family that could come and stay with you and help out? Do you have a partner/husband that could step up A LOT more? Can you afford to put dd in nursery a couple of days a week? I know that sleeplessness and it is hell, not to mention that it feels like it is going to go on forever - it's the reason I would never ever consider having another. How old is she? My OH found that antidepressants took the edge off feeling awful - but they also made him feel quite detached from things and not really care very much about them so how you're feeling might be down to that somewhat.

Is it possible for you to hold her when she's crying? You don't have to feel anything in particular, just hold/cuddle her so she is getting what she needs emotionally as it sounds like you are on top of making sure her physical needs are met. Can DS do his homework by himself? At 8 that might be possible. I would really recommend talking to his school if not and telling them that you are really struggling. They may be able to change his homework so it can be done independently and/or put in some support for him. It definitely gets easier but you really need some support right now.

beenaroundtheblox · 03/03/2022 19:18

@bluedodecagon haven't you heard of depression? Why come into a PND thread to say anything that isn't relevant to PND.

Pinkflipflop85 · 03/03/2022 19:21

@bluedodecagon

Are you always a spectacular cunt?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 03/03/2022 19:21

The obvious question is, how much is DD's dad doing? He needs to step up and take on some nights. Potentially he should take parental leave while you go back to work. But you don't even mention him, so clearly he needs to do more.

Original poster
Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 19:23

@Gowithme
Thanks, interesting about feeling detached.
Yes, I do hold her while she cries, I just feel apart from it.
I did explain to Ds's school that I wasn't with it enough to do hw, but they are making noises about him having to have it done again.
I can't afford nursery yet, hopefully soonish Can afford a couple of hours a week in gym creche.

OP posts:
Theyweretheworstoftimes · 03/03/2022 19:25

@Aisforharlot yes it does get better. I promise. I was in a very bleak dark place and I recovered with time. It can take time. But it does get better. Also it happens to so many people so please don't feel alone.

Be patient with yourself and you baby as well as your family. Make the most of the days the sunshines. Thinking of you

Original poster
Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 19:28

@GregBrawlsInDogJail He's pretty good, though he doesn't get the pnd really. Still on at me about why haven't I done this or that or filled in this form...I literally forgot I was meant to meet my grandma, I will forget any paperwork that is not immediately in front of my nose and besides lack the executive function to do it at the moment.
I do most nights but she's only up once or twice.
He does work from home 4 days and I lean on him heavily, at least for company so I don't feel so alone with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 19:30

Thanks again to everyone who's let me know I'm not alone with this. Glad you've all reached easier times, and it helps to know it gets better even if I'm lost in the thick of it right now.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 03/03/2022 19:30

How's your diet op?
Are you eating regular well balanced meals ?
And what's yours meat protein intake like?
If I miss just one day of meat protein
My mood can dip.
Lack of sleep also contributes.
Not sure about the meds , but pp have suggested they can maybe make you feel detached.
Fresh air and exercise- baby in the buggy and a twenty minutes wiz round the block is an instant boost.
Also avoid alcohol and chocolate- both can cause mood dips (day after)

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 03/03/2022 19:33

Hi OP (@Aisforharlot)

We're so sorry you're going through this.
We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some more information about postnatal depression, here
We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Bajezzeuz · 03/03/2022 19:34

I promise you it does get better

Its so hard when their young and depend on you so much

I had PND with my 2nd, I did the basic care for him to keep him alive and that was it. I didn't kiss him, didn't spend time with him, didn't bond with him, I only held him when I had to. I wrote about this the other day on here, I didn't love him until he was a year old. He would cry and I would feel no empathy for him at all. There was a couple of times I felt like ending all of our lives because it was so difficult. He's 5 now and I absolutely adore him.

It's an illness OP and it's a horrific one to have. Ask your DP to step up and do some nights, you need more than jusy gym time to yourself

Also, it might be worth getting some counselling, no proffesional will judge you for feeling this way, from this thread alone you can see its quite common

There's light at the end of the tunnel I promise, it gets better

Original poster
Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 19:35

My diet isn't brilliant (lots of chocolate), but always prioritise the protein as I'm a weight lifter. I don't drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforharlot · 03/03/2022 19:40

Thanks @Bajezzeuz that is immensely reassuring. I really could just sit with her while she cries and not feel much at all, feels weirdly like a superpower when her dad is stressing about it.
I know I love her, but it feels distant. I know I will love her and my son again once this lifts.
At least I'm not suicidal this week, which is progress I guess.

Thanks MNHQ, I have all the numbers, access to the crisis team etc. That's partly why I feel so guilty - I literally have all the help available to me and I'm still not better.

OP posts:
RonCarlos · 03/03/2022 19:40

Sending hugs OP. Full understanding here. I am sure other people will have better advice than I could offer but wanted to give you my support.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 03/03/2022 19:42

I don’t have any words of wisdom , but HUGs , OP
Remember the meds will take a good few weeks to start feeling the benefit from them. Flowers

Bajezzeuz · 03/03/2022 19:55

Aisforharlot

Its really difficult isnt it. I wouldn't wish PND on anybody and anyone who goes through it has my complete sympathy because it's such a dark lonely place to be, it feels like it will never get better but I promise you it will

The lack of sleep doesnt help as how are you supposed to nap when you have another child to look after at the same time? It was one of the worst times of my life and I never ever want to feel like that again

You will love her and him, I've no doubt you do anyway, but your suffering right now. It's shit.

Just read that about your sons homework. Can you do help with that? If not, just don't do it. It's not the end of the world and if it's somthing less off your plate for the next few weeks then so be it. Sure DS would rathar have a happy mum than have his homework done

It takes time, but it does get better. I hope your alright as you can be, it's an awful place to be xx

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 03/03/2022 19:56

I'm really sorry that you are suffering like this. Could you try to let go of the guilt bit by bit? I know that's a big ask, but guilt is a big emotion to carry around and you are not guilty in this, you are poorly. Accepting how things are, and accepting yourself as you are, will be a kindness to yourself, and in turn, your baby.

Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 03/03/2022 20:07

Sorry you feel like this OP.

From reading between the lines to me it seems like sleep or lack of sleep is a main worry and probably effecting how you feel. Can anyone help you get some good nights sleep. When my babies were little I used to go to bed really early as I knew I would be up in the night and also got a Sunday lay in.
Sertraline is meant to be the best AD for sleep and anxiety. It doesn’t knock you out it just stops that adrenaline kick you get when you worry about not falling asleep. I think it is meant to be better than cirtalopan. It really works for my sleep related anxiety/insomnia.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 03/03/2022 20:11

@Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree

Sorry you feel like this OP.

From reading between the lines to me it seems like sleep or lack of sleep is a main worry and probably effecting how you feel. Can anyone help you get some good nights sleep. When my babies were little I used to go to bed really early as I knew I would be up in the night and also got a Sunday lay in.
Sertraline is meant to be the best AD for sleep and anxiety. It doesn’t knock you out it just stops that adrenaline kick you get when you worry about not falling asleep. I think it is meant to be better than cirtalopan. It really works for my sleep related anxiety/insomnia.

I second Sertraline. I take for sleep related anxiety as well and it's been brilliant.
neatlittlerows · 03/03/2022 20:22

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering through this, OP. I think I’m coming out the other side of PND/A, or at least stating to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but yesterday I had a day where I just felt numb to absolutely everything. It was absolutely miserable to go back to that place, but also showed me that, overall, I don’t feel that bad any more and things are getting better. I don’t have any great advice but I’m another one who has really benefited from sertraline. I used to cry every late afternoon, knowing that night was coming and I’d be woken and wouldn’t get back to sleep and just have to sit there holding a baby who wouldn’t sleep without me for those cold, lonely hours. I have my fingers crossed for you, I hope you feel well soon.

myyellowcar · 03/03/2022 20:23

OP there is a book called Something to live for and the author had severe PND. She describes how in the Mother and Baby unit they don’t even start therapy until they have recovered and rested from the sleep deprivation. For her, tackling the sleep deprivation was the start of getting better. It’s worth looking up if you think it might be helpful to read through.

I hope you feel better soon and don’t feel bad about feeling this way despite the support. You’ll find a chink of light soon.

JovialNickname · 03/03/2022 20:51

Sorry you feel like this OP. Another take on this is that you can give her up to Social Services, if that's what you want to do or feel that's the only option that will allow you to go on, and be a parent to your 8 year old. You can do that. It's OK to do it. Also, knowing it's there as an option might allow you some room to breathe, as knowing you have options can help you feel less trapped. I wish you all the best and be kind to yourself, you are not a bad person xx

JovialNickname · 03/03/2022 20:52

And don't feel bad about not feeling better despite the support, you need the extra support because help doesn't help x

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 03/03/2022 21:05

Prioritise sleep whenever you can, my Lovely.
This should be your first focus.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/03/2022 21:18

So sorry OP.

I hesitated to click on this thread because it was too close to exactly how I felt.

It gets better.

Keep doing the things you are going.

Stop guilt tripping yourself for not feeling better despite having help, that’s the negative thought spiral of the illness. I spent a long time feeling so pathetic because I had pnd even though I had no ‘reason’ and other mums in less stable situations were coping better.

Looking back (almost a decade ago) I had plenty of reasons to be suffering PnD. If I could go back in time I would just give my younger self a great big long reassuring hug.

You will be better.

One day at a time.

Try to focus 5min in the day looking at your baby and seeing the things you like about her, with no expectations of yourself or her, ignore the thoughts and fears and just look at her.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.