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Original poster

Sister Prefers her Friends to me

76 replies

fedupneighbour · 21/02/2022 23:00

My sister hardly makes an effort with me, my mum and dad.
My family has had a lot of troubles, including mental health, other health issues such as dementia and also addiction.
My sister keeps away and is soon to be moving to a different city.
She hardly ever wants to meet up for holidays and birthdays, but always makes room for friends and her partner's family. I feel neglected and like it's all one way.
She tells me she is hoping to stay over one night a week after working in London at my mum's so she can see everyone still. From my pov this is to suit her since she will be working the next day and then going off home to her new city. What is she actually giving to the family? I don't think anything.
She rarely spends time with my parents yet they are aging and my mum especially craves company. My parents are eccentric and possibly have undiagnosed mental health issues, which I feel I deal with on a day to day to basis, and as they grow older they will need more help.
I don't feel like I want to even go and see her in her new city because I'm so fed up of her and her partner.
My parents go along with whatever she says more or less and I think my dad will want to go to her house for Christmas again because he loves the grandchildren.
I don't know how to talk to my sister about this because she obviously knows what she is doing. I don't really trust her or her boyfriend. I find them selfish and used to getting their own way and that they will only talk honestly with each other and maybe his family.
I feel like they think they are better than me, particularly her partner, who talks about himself non stop.
I am wondering whether just to tell her how I'm feeling but she tells him everything and I think it would come back at me.
My parents don't see things the same way and won't criticise or challenge them.
Any thoughts or advice please?
Thanks

OP posts:

HugAHoodie · 21/02/2022 23:03

I mean this sincerely. But I think it would help you to talk to a therapist about this.

A lot of what you talk about sounds like it needs unpacking and sorting.

Good luck and sorry life feels tough right now

TrashyPanda · 21/02/2022 23:03

How often do you see your sister?
Are you living with your parents?

OneTiredMam · 21/02/2022 23:05

Please speak to a therapist.

But friendly advice - just because she's family doesn't mean she owes you her time. Not all families are close and that's perfectly okay.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

OppsUpsSide · 21/02/2022 23:10

Just going off your post, it does sound like you are expecting too much. But, families are complicated and it can be difficult to convey the full circumstances in one post.

Ohyesiam · 21/02/2022 23:16

It’s interesting that you have these expectations of your sister. They sound unusual to me. You might need to acco that you have different values around family and contact.

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2022 23:19

. I feel neglected What expectations do you have of your sister who seems to be a working mum of young kids? Do you work/have other things going on?

availablesizerange · 21/02/2022 23:33

Your poor sister.

ode2me · 21/02/2022 23:41

I prefer my friends to my sister too. Perhaps your parent's undiagnosed mental illnesses are simply too much for her. You can choose to be a carer for them but she doesn't have to.

An 'eccentric' and 'possibly undiagnosed mental illness' is a lot. They aren't her responsibility and neither are you. Make some friends.

Yogurtpotofdoom · 21/02/2022 23:44

So your sister has kids? Do you? If not, can you understand that your sister now has responsibilities beyond you and your parents? She's probably doing the best she can to get time with everyone in her life.

TedMullins · 21/02/2022 23:52

So she’s moving away from “eccentric parents with undiagnosed mental illness” - that could mean anything from a bit quirky and intense to emotionally abusive. And you say there’s addiction as well. Sounds like she’s putting herself and her family’s wellbeing first which is absolutely her right and the sensible thing to do. She doesn’t owe you anything just because you’re her sister. She may have healthier and nicer relationships with her friend, you sound resentful of her rather than happy for her to be living the life she wants.

Thereisnolight · 21/02/2022 23:55

Some harsh responses.
OP, you and your sister are adults and can choose to have whatever relationship you want with your family. You have chosen to stay closer. Neither is right or wrong. You don’t own your sister and can’t tell her what to do.
However it sounds as if there have been difficulties in your life and family which may have impacted your self esteem. Your sister chose to move away - maybe to escape - but you are still there. And although this is your choice I can understand that your self esteem may stop you from living a life you would really like and that you feel resentful of others who are doing so.
Detach a bit from your sister, try to see her as another adult, not a property of the family. Wish her well. Maybe even try to see her away from your family so that you can try to create a different type of relationship with her where you respect each other as adults.

Lou98 · 22/02/2022 00:01

I think your expectations are too high OP. She's an adult with her own family, she's allowed to move away and raise her family where she wishes. It doesn't mean she's neglecting you in anyway, she just has other priorities.

My family has had a lot of troubles, including mental health, other health issues such as dementia and also addiction

It sounds as though she's chosen to get away from these issues and start fresh with her Partner and kids. She's allowed to do that. You have chosen to stay and care for your parents and that's absolutely fine and your choice but just because it's the choice you have made doesn't mean she needs to make the same one, kids shouldn't be expected to provide care for their parents imo.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2022 00:14

You've never considered that your sister needs this distance in order to stay healthy and happy? You admit your family is dysfunctional. Your sister is doing what she needs to do to protect her own mental health. This isn't about you, and you have no right to judge her. Wind your neck in.

Susu49 · 22/02/2022 00:26

Some of these responses are quite brutal and a bit unfair!

Op, It sounds as if your sister has good reason to distance herself from your parents/the old family unit. I do agree with others there.

But your problem in feeling hurt by her actions is different - you are allowed to feel the way you do and your feelings are valid. This doesn't mean that her actions are necessarily wrong, but you're entitled to feel hurt by them.

You don't elaborate much on your personal relationship with your sister, but you seem to have a level of bitterness about her absence. This is usual where one siblings does the legwork with family members who need a lot of support.

It sounds like you're struggling a lot and perhaps you're looking for support from your sister that you're not getting. Have you ever asked for her help?

Equally, if she knows that you feel resentful this will likely push her away so may account for her distance. It's really difficult in adult families to balance the needs of each other, individuals aren't necessarily at fault but it can be incredible complicated and difficult to communicate openly without emotions flaring and causing divisions.

I think you need to try and break down to yourself just what you're upset about as a starting point.

Is it that you wish you had a closer friendship with your sister or is that you wish you had more support in looking after your parents? Or both?

What were your respective roles in the family growing up? Often we carry these through to adulthood.

I agree speaking to a counsellor would be helpful in working through how you feel and to help you find a non-confrontational way to speak with your sister to improve things. Or just to learn to accept the distance and move on.

CPL593H · 22/02/2022 00:54

Reading between the lines, your sister has managed to extricate herself from what sounds like a difficult and possibly damaging situation and I very much doubt that she will choose to engage with it again. Instead of blaming her, look at what you want from your own life.

RedToothBrush · 22/02/2022 08:30

Why are you trying to control your sister?

This is about your issues and needs not hers.

Being closer to friends rather than family isn't uncommon. Indeed its completely normal.

You need to stop interferring with her life and concentrate on your own. Your feelings of rejection are yours to deal with, not hers.

Indeed your attitude is probably the very thing that is driving her away.

Octomore · 22/02/2022 08:33

@OneTiredMam

Please speak to a therapist.

But friendly advice - just because she's family doesn't mean she owes you her time. Not all families are close and that's perfectly okay.

This.

Your sister doesn't owe it to you to prioritise you over her friends and partner.

JenniferBarkley · 22/02/2022 08:36

@CPL593H

Well put.

I think a night a week is very generous of your sister.

I know a lot of people who prefer their friends to their siblings (I'm one of them).

I really feel for your sister here.

Nadjathedoll · 22/02/2022 08:39

If your parents have complex mental health and addiction issues, then I would recommend that you contact adult social services or their GP, and ask that something is put in place for them.

Perhaps your sister has removed herself from the situation because it's more than she could handle and it makes her unhappy.

BHX3000 · 22/02/2022 08:39

I barely ever see my family because they remind me of my childhood, which was not a normal or happy one. I need distance from them to stay healthy, mentally and emotionally. You don’t choose the family you’re born into, but you can choose how much time you spend with them as an adult. I chose a long time ago to put myself first, and I’m a much better and healthier person because of it.

Newgirls · 22/02/2022 08:40

Part of your feelings about this might be that you feel trapped? That you want the freedom she has?

Parents can sometimes divide kids - you will end up running around after them - the problem here might be with your parents rather than your sibling. They might have placed too many demands on both of you.

Chestofdraws · 22/02/2022 08:40

How old are you op. Honestly? I’m guessing very young?

Your sister has a right to her own life and is doing nothing wrong.

sparklefarts · 22/02/2022 08:40

It sounds like she should move further away

BurntO · 22/02/2022 08:45

Just because you say you handle your parents being eccentric and the potential for them to have undiagnosed mental health issues well, it doesn’t mean your sister wants to do that too. In fact it sounds pretty hard and also quite toxic. Only backed up by the fact you’re judging your sister for making the choices she is alongside making plans to see family…. What is your problem? I am not surprised she keeps her distance and it sounds like you are still too under your parents wing.

JenniferBarkley · 22/02/2022 08:50

Reading back over, it sounds like your sister has a partner, a job and (young?) children, but still spends one night a week with your parents and hosted Christmas. That actually sounds like a very close family to me, not someone who's pulling away. If she's doing all of that despite having perhaps pulled away emotionally for her own health/sanity then I think she's doing a huge amount and you have very unrealistic expectations.

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