She’d lose her head if it wasn’t screwed on

[ForgetsHerHead]

That phrase was made for my DD.

She’s 7, school year 3. But loses everything.

She’s dyslexic and has DCD/Dyspraxia. She’s also very hypermobile. Covid restrictions at school have made it worse. She has processing and memory issues.

They empty the trays on a Friday no matter whats in them, so if she’s working on a piece of work on Thursday and puts it in her tray, if she doesn’t go to her tray on a Friday then the tray gets empty and the work is lost.

She’s walked out of school not wearing her skirt or trousers because she’s gone to the toilet, and forgotten to pull them up – sometimes the teacher hasn’t even noticed, the teacher this year is noticing but by the time they go back to the toilets her stuff is gone, so she’s wearing her spares – and has been known to mislay the spares – or her indoor PE kit which in this weather isn’t warm enough. I’ve told her and the teachers told her to try to remember her trousers/skirt but she doesn’t always. Pineafores she will still lose tights or socks.

She never puts anything back. I tell her to put things back in her bag or her room or the hall and she refuses. So either I do it or it gets put down where she is and lost forever more.

Rewards don’t actually help because it’s not helping her remember. School insist she’ll learn after losing enough pieces of work – I don’t always pick up so can’t check her tray. So far this year we’ve lost 4 school reading books, 2 school library books, 2 local library books, an uncountable amount of socks, 2 pairs of shoes (and due to the HM she has insoles so I have to pay to replace the insoles and shoes, which can cost me the best part of £100 all in), and at least 4 school skirts and 1 pair of trousers thats not counting the school jumpers and polo shirts – her school uniform is labelled but it never comes home.

I’ve asked school not to empty her tray, the teachers asked the cleaners not to empty her tray, but they either forget or are told to do them all, as often it gets emptied. School tell her to put things on the teachers desk or put it in her school bag to bring home but she often forgets they’ve asked her or will be so keen to get on with the next thing she’ll say “I’ll put it in my tray and get it out later”, teacher will remind her to empty her tray but again she can forget seconds after she’s been told.

I love her with all my heart but I’m starting to resent her and I really don’t want that. She’s my only child, it’s just me and her at home. School say nag and nag and nag her to put it away, but then she shouts at me telling me to stop asking as she’ll do it soon. If it gets lost its also my fault for not giving her time to do it – even if she’s sat on the sofa for an hour watching tv and I’ve asked her 5 times to put something away, it’s my fault she lost it. I’m an organised person, I’ll try and get her bag packed the night before ready to go, but she refuses to help me, so either I do it or there’s a mad rush in the morning for her to pack it. everything has a place, that to me is logical but DD doesn't seem to get it.

Any tips? Before I go out of my mind. I don’t know what to do.

She has dyspraxia. She can't do it. nagging won't help.
Have you spoken to the school SENCO? They should be making reasonable adjustments for her.

Emptying tray? A great big red sign saying DO NOT EMPTY on it might help.

Some will come with age, DD has dyspraxia, wasn't as bad but it took her well into secondary school and beyond to hve any semblance of organisation.

Label everything.
Whoever picks her up should check she has everything.
A list attached to rucksack might help.

But school should do adjustments for her

At 7, just do the bag thing for her. It's probably just too much after the stress of a day at school. 7yos aren't the most mature anyway.

I would also just stick with routine, routine, routine. She'll get there eventually, but will needed masses more scaffolding than a NT child.

Maybe interrupt TV programmes to get her to put things away. Or get her to do things before it goes on.

But switch your mindset to can't yet, not isn't bothering. It will make it easier to cope with.

I’m dyspraxic, and it’s not that I don’t want to be organised, I can’t.

Nagging me is really upsetting, because I’m being harried about something I just cannot do.

You wouldn’t nag a child in a wheelchair to walk, so please don’t do the same to your poor daughter.

@TeenPlusCat

She has dyspraxia. She can't do it. nagging won't help. Have you spoken to the school SENCO? They should be making reasonable adjustments for her.

Emptying tray? A great big red sign saying DO NOT EMPTY on it might help.

Some will come with age, DD has dyspraxia, wasn't as bad but it took her well into secondary school and beyond to hve any semblance of organisation.

Label everything.
Whoever picks her up should check she has everything.
A list attached to rucksack might help.

But school should do adjustments for her

@TeenPlusCat Will ask but when I was in the classroom last there was no labels on any of the trays, either the childrens ones or the ones with the teachers resources in. Also nothing on the boards in classrooms or around the school.

She needs accommodations. These issues are neurological not behavioural. Please don’t make her feel bad for being what she is. The mental health and self esteem issues that we carry from childhood are often bigger challenges in adulthood than the underlying condition.

I’d also suggest further testing. Testing isn’t remotely linked up and unless you pursue it you won’t get it. She needs you to be her advocate.

@deeplyrooted

She needs accommodations. These issues are neurological not behavioural. Please don’t make her feel bad for being what she is. The mental health and self esteem issues that we carry from childhood are often bigger challenges in adulthood than the underlying condition.

I’d also suggest further testing. Testing isn’t remotely linked up and unless you pursue it you won’t get it. She needs you to be her advocate.

@deeplyrooted It's not that I want to nag or think it's behavioural it's the way school have told me to deal with it, but your right I do need more support especially at home.

Will make an appointment with the class teacher and the Senco together to discuss it.

Just because there aren't labels doesn't mean there can't be.
Ditto visual timetables, picture based reminders etc.

Agree that this falls under reasonable adjustments. Schools can be so inflexible that you feel the only thing you can do is put pressure on the child to adjust but as others said she cannot and legally it's on them to accomodate her needs. It's also good to practice your advocacy skills in upper primary because secondary can be a whole new level of chaos.

@TeenPlusCat

Just because there aren't labels doesn't mean there can't be. Ditto visual timetables, picture based reminders etc.

@TeenPlusCat Absolutely, I'm not ruling it out, and you're right it would be a reasonable adjustment. Even if they only left until Monday morning, as I always do drop off and pick up on Mondays.

@onthegrindbaby

Agree that this falls under reasonable adjustments. Schools can be so inflexible that you feel the only thing you can do is put pressure on the child to adjust but as others said she cannot and legally it's on them to accomodate her needs. It's also good to practice your advocacy skills in upper primary because secondary can be a whole new level of chaos.

@onthegrindbaby I'm already ruling out any secondary that doesn't have lockers, because I don't think she'd cope without one.

I wonder if she would qualify for an EHCP?
The SEN and SN Chat boards are very helpful on this area.

@MartinMartinMarti this is a genuine question, not meant to be rude, a criticism or argumentative. If you know that your are unable to organise why would you not do something the first time you are asked to do it or say I’m busy right now can you remind me when I’ve finished xyz. That way, the person doing the asking does get frustrated and keep asking/nagging and you don’t feel nagged.

I understand a child may not be able to use that strategy as they don’t understand themselves what is going on and genuinely think that they will do it later, forgetting that they will automatically forget, but as an adult, even though you are aware, do you still feel the same way?

It must be so frustrating and upsetting for everyone, but I do feel the school needs to put more in place to help your DD as it’s not just laziness or forgetfulness

@TeenPlusCat

I wonder if she would qualify for an EHCP? The SEN and SN Chat boards are very helpful on this area.

@TeenPlusCat I think she probably would as she's also behind academically, really struggles with writing (due to the dyslexia and HM) and also comes across as a much younger and smaller child (she's physically much smaller than the other children in her class - I suspect she has a genetic condition that causes her SN and short stature but also struggling with getting the NHS to listen/test her)

She needs visual timetables and a visual checklist to go through at the end of the day, after PE etc. School should be providing that and also the note on her tray not to empty it. To lose so many pairs of shoes and uniform is awful, the school should be helping her with this. Do they have a lost property box? Surely it should all be in there. Definitely ask for a meeting with teacher and senco and ask that this is put into place for her. Does she have memory issues with school work?

[quote EnjoyingTheSilence]@MartinMartinMarti this is a genuine question, not meant to be rude, a criticism or argumentative. If you know that your are unable to organise why would you not do something the first time you are asked to do it or say I’m busy right now can you remind me when I’ve finished xyz. That way, the person doing the asking does get frustrated and keep asking/nagging and you don’t feel nagged.

I understand a child may not be able to use that strategy as they don’t understand themselves what is going on and genuinely think that they will do it later, forgetting that they will automatically forget, but as an adult, even though you are aware, do you still feel the same way?

It must be so frustrating and upsetting for everyone, but I do feel the school needs to put more in place to help your DD as it’s not just laziness or forgetfulness[/quote]
@EnjoyingTheSilence (So am I!) her actual teacher is very good, and I think is trying her best, she did ask the cleaners not to empty her tray which show she's trying. There's no TA in the class so sometimes it does take her 30 minutes or so to notice DDs not wearing trousers/skirt/tights but she will always send DD to put her spares on or send her to the office (after putting her in her PE shorts if appropriate) to get more clothes.

So I think it needs a Senco/HT step in to get more in place.

School should be helping her more. I’m surprised the cleaners empty the trays, I never did as a school cleaner last year. We were told not to touch anything just clean surfaces etc. maybe different counties have different ways.

But yes a big helpful Do NOT empty across the front of the tray might be useful as a pp said

The school need to try and help her more they should not be taking the approach of eventually she will learn when she's lost enoigh, as PP said a sticker needs to go on her tray or they tray moved before Friday so it doesn't get cleaned out.
Re trousers and skirt going missing after the toilet, is it possible it's a sensory issue and she's ditching them, just as it's hard to lose your trousers by just forgetting to pull them up, you'd need to yank them over your shoes. As a child I had sensory issues and really struggled with the scratchy skirt and tights and used to lose them so I could wear my pe trousers instead.

@smartiecake

She needs visual timetables and a visual checklist to go through at the end of the day, after PE etc. School should be providing that and also the note on her tray not to empty it. To lose so many pairs of shoes and uniform is awful, the school should be helping her with this. Do they have a lost property box? Surely it should all be in there. Definitely ask for a meeting with teacher and senco and ask that this is put into place for her. Does she have memory issues with school work?

@smartiecake The school secretary goes through the lost property looking for named items regularly, and has let me check it before, but they never come home. I do put her name in, but I'm sure some of the parents don't care and just take it if their child brings it home by mistake - very middle class area, so even though school will happily help out with school uniform if needed most of the parents are too proud to ask.

Find out who the cleaner is and take a small box of sweets/biscuits and explain the situation.
It smooths the way.
Ask for a favour.
People are often kind when they understand.

@Nortd

The school need to try and help her more they should not be taking the approach of eventually she will learn when she's lost enoigh, as PP said a sticker needs to go on her tray or they tray moved before Friday so it doesn't get cleaned out. Re trousers and skirt going missing after the toilet, is it possible it's a sensory issue and she's ditching them, just as it's hard to lose your trousers by just forgetting to pull them up, you'd need to yank them over your shoes. As a child I had sensory issues and really struggled with the scratchy skirt and tights and used to lose them so I could wear my pe trousers instead.

@Nortd Even at home she takes all her bottom layer off to use the toilet which includes socks/shoes, she's hypermobile especially in her hips so we think its too do with that. Physio is working on it.

We think whats happening is because her classroom is in the portacabin/mobile, she's remembering that she needs her shoes but forgetting the rest.

Can you not insist she puts things away when you ask? So, turn the TV off and say she can have it back when she puts her shoes back in the hall?

I get she can't be organised on her own back... but can't she follow a direct command when the shoes are in front of her? She can't physically pick them up, walk to hall, put down, with you where watching her, if she knows the TV is not going back on until she does? Would she really just get angry that you've turned the TV off and refuse to pick the shoes up, because that sounds like she doesn't want to do it. The shoes are right there and you are telling her to do it, it's not the same as having to remember things herself at school and saying she will "do it a min" and then forgetting. If you are don't let her "do it in a min" and forget, you insist she puts it back right now and stay there until she does.

@SnowFlo

Can you not insist she puts things away when you ask? So, turn the TV off and say she can have it back when she puts her shoes back in the hall?

I get she can't be organised on her own back... but can't she follow a direct command when the shoes are in front of her? She can't physically pick them up, walk to hall, put down, with you where watching her, if she knows the TV is not going back on until she does? Would she really just get angry that you've turned the TV off and refuse to pick the shoes up, because that sounds like she doesn't want to do it. The shoes are right there and you are telling her to do it, it's not the same as having to remember things herself at school and saying she will "do it a min" and then forgetting. If you are don't let her "do it in a min" and forget, you insist she puts it back right now and stay there until she does.

@SnowFlo She then gets upset because she's forgotten what she was watching. I try to compromise and say "After this programmes finished we're going to put our shoes in the hall then you can choose something else to watch/do" but she still often refuses. She actually doesn't care if I leave the TV off as she'll wander off to play with her toys or the cat or she'll ask to go to bed to get out of doing it - she'll say "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'll remember where they are" but never does, I think this is what school are trying to get her to realise, she doesn't remember and that's why I need to prompt/nag.

Is her tray top left or top right - and a different color from all the trays around it? With a big ‘do not empty sign’
Sounds like a simple solution but worked well for my DS when he was that age.

I agree with OP - school should be doing more.

What helps with my son is a set time to do things and agreed simple rules about that. Eg come in house, snack, then jobs.
It’s not perfect and sometimes there is resistance but it works. There is a book called Smart but scattered. Maybe that would help your dd. You work through it together

Pineafores she will still lose tights or socks
I was going to suggest a pinafore, at least then she is still clothed? Is she taking her shoes and tights/socks fully off to go to the loo?