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Original poster

Help me to get my husband to understand

82 replies

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 16:52

Age old problem, I do roughly around 95% of the things ie cook, clean, laundry within our household...we have 3 dc. I work until 2.30 everyday and luckily only during term time. I realise that this gives me more time to do the majority of household jobs...but is it too much to ask for Dh to help out when he comes home from work. Not every eve but on the eves when their is laundry to be put away, maybe a bathroom to clean a wash to put on.....🤷‍♀️
We have spoken about this many many times, there are promises to help out more, it might last a day or two and then we are back to old habits once again. Things i would like a bit of help with are laundry, put on a wash, bringing it upstairs put away your own clothes, clean a bathroom or two, sweep, polish every now and then..
If we run out of milk, bread something essential he wouldn't think of buying some or telling me we need it and it can be late in the eve before i realise anything needs replacing. I think im just a bit sick and tired of it being left to me. He does so some jobs that i wouldn't do. Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours.....should i just be grateful for the things he does do and just suck it up and not get cross with him or myself.....wise words please

OP posts:

thisplaceisweird · 10/02/2022 16:54

Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours I personally think yes.
If my husband only worked til 2.30 and had all the school holidays off I would expect them to do the majority of the household work, yes. You say he does jobs and things you wouldn't do, is that not picking up the slack?

DiscoBadgers · 10/02/2022 16:56

Well that depends really - how much free time do you have? How much does he have? Really you should get an equal work/free split including both paid and housework. In our house we both work FT but DH does most of the housework because he WFH and I work longer hours. What is your free time split?

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 16:57

Bloody hell
Finish at 2.30
School holidays off

How old are the children?

username48582 · 10/02/2022 17:02

It's a tough one and depends like a PP on how much free time you both have. I agree I don't think you should do 95% of the work during term time. I would probably expect him to help out more at the weekends rather than in the evening when he finishes.

diddl · 10/02/2022 17:06

He should be letting you know when he's used the last of something for sure!

At the very least I hope he picks up after himself & puts his clothes in the wash basket!

Do you find laundry "difficult" because there's a lot of it?

What hours does he work?

My husband currently wfh but was often out of the house 7-7 & I wouldn't have expected him to do much of an evening tbh.

Peakypolly · 10/02/2022 17:09

Rather than 'help out', I would say can he now take responsibility for a particular chore i.e clean the en-suite. Then DH can fit that round his schedule and his standards (mine are much lower than my DH so he has to put up with that or do it himself).
TBH though, with him working many more hours over the year, I would prefer DH to spend what time he can in the evenings and weekends with the DC which would free time for me to pop to the shop or whatever.

GiantSpider · 10/02/2022 17:11

It depends how old the kids are. Finishing at 2.30 isn't that early if you have to pick them up at 3.15 and spend the evening cooking tea, helping them with homework and doing bath time and bedtime.

StillWeRise · 10/02/2022 17:12

with that kind of split I would expect him to clear up after the evening meal at least
I would make sure it inconveniences him if he uses something up and doesn't replace it or tell you it needs replacing
I would expect him to put away and/or iron his own clothes

Justkeeppedaling · 10/02/2022 17:17

I'm another one who thinks you could easily do all household chores between 2.30 and your evening meal, including cooking the meal. Your DH has had a full day's work by the time he gets home (which isn't to say housework isn't work).

Are you doing some housework unnecessarily?

If we run out of milk, bread something essential he wouldn't think of buying some or telling me we need it and it can be late in the eve before i realise anything needs replacing

Well that's OK then, just buy some the next day. If it means DH has to go without his morning cuppa and toast, then he might learn to buy milk and bread himself

I think im just a bit sick and tired of it being left to me.
Is it actually left to you, or do you just do it? What would happen if you didn't clean the bathroom for a while?

He does so some jobs that i wouldn't do
Well this is good - do they amount to more than the 5% you say is left after you've done your bit?

Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours
Yes, and yes

You could always get a full time job yourself you know.

MargosKaftan · 10/02/2022 17:34

If you work until 2:30, realistically do you have any time after work before picking up the dcs? Even if you live so close to work you are home in 10 mins, do you get 20mins max before getting the dcs? When you pick them up, are you running around to after school activities, or do you have time to get jobs done at home?

Dh using the last of something and not telling you is not on - does that mean you don't have milk for the dcs breakfast or bread for packed lunches? He should tell you and be ok with collecting more.

diddl · 10/02/2022 17:35

"I'm another one who thinks you could easily do all household chores between 2.30 and your evening meal, including cooking the meal."

Op finishes work at 2.30-isn't necessarily home then!

She might have to collect kids & interact with them once home, not giving her much time from getting in to evening meal.

Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 17:37

From another thread one of the children is 18

Roaringlogfire · 10/02/2022 17:42

In term time do whatever you can until DH gets home from work then split the rest of the chores 50-50. Then you both get to relax at the same time.
In the school holidays, you do the majority. Should be doable in a day.

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 17:44

It all depends. It definitely isn’t fair if you’re running around doing chores in the evening if he’s just sitting in his arse, but it could be that is because of poor time management on your part. How old are your kids? If still young then of course you will need more help. What are these jobs that your DH does that you wouldn’t do? And when does he have to fit these in?

Original poster

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 17:52

Thank you everyone for the replies...
To answer a few questions....kids are 11 and 17, two of them get off the school bus at 3, which gives me a half an hour before homework starts. Pick up oldest dd at 4. She is 17 so rarely needs help with homework. I cook dinner every eve some eves it's easier than others depending on whats on the menu. I run a couple of evenings a week but will feed the kids before i go and leave dh meal ready to be heated up when he gets home.

We are a busy house but we both take on the responsibility of sports activities etc. We both get our free time equally.
I think i might need to chill out a bit....i like an organised house....he frequently tells me we are living in a home not a show home.
with regards the food etc it does impact the making of school lunches the next day ...we haven't got a big freezer to freeze bread etc. moving forward i need to relax and lower my standards and accept that it is mainly up to me.

OP posts:

Justkeeppedaling · 10/02/2022 17:53

@diddl

"I'm another one who thinks you could easily do all household chores between 2.30 and your evening meal, including cooking the meal."

Op finishes work at 2.30-isn't necessarily home then!

She might have to collect kids & interact with them once home, not giving her much time from getting in to evening meal.

I worked full time, cooked when I got home and looked after the house. It's not that difficult. DH did too to be fair - but sometimes I think people make too much of housework. Or am I just slovenly?

The OP also has all the holidays off....

I'd be a bit pissed off if I worked full time, and DH had all the time off that the OP does, and I was expected to come home and do the hoovering/ironing/....

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/02/2022 17:57

FFS - the people saying it should all be on you! You are not asking for an equal split, so yanbu to expect him to take a bit of responsibility for running the house.

MintyGreenDream · 10/02/2022 17:58

I work term time and til 2.30 aswell.I wouldn't expect dh to come home and do housework when I've got time to do it before he gets home.

Comedycook · 10/02/2022 17:59

I bet if you worked full time he'd still leave everything to you.

GlamorousHeifer · 10/02/2022 18:05

11 & 17? Seriously OP, pull the other one! The 17 year old should have been doing homework independently of you for some years now (exc SEN etc)....do you plan on helping them with their job when they go to work? Cut the apron strings.
I would say in this situation your husband is not in the wrong, you would have plenty of time but you choose to spend it doing other things, that os obviously your perogative but you can't then crack the whip when your husband gets home and expect him to do what you didn't do earlier.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 10/02/2022 18:09

I wouldn't expect DH to help much with the housework in the evening if I was only working part-time and the children were all secondary-aged, to be honest. Putting a wash on takes a minute or two at most, and bathrooms don't regularly need to be cleaned in the evenings, surely?

But saying that, I don't think you need to do everything either. Things like laundry - surely with DC of those ages, they can have the job of folding and putting away laundry?

I also wouldn't think to buy food on the way home if I knew my partner had already been home for several hours, tbh, unless they specifically messaged me to ask.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/02/2022 18:11

He should definitely be pitching in on chores like laundry etc. you're not his personal maid. He should also be engaging with the kids.

But it does sound like something is amiss if you're so busy. I must be a slattern in comparison to you!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/02/2022 18:12

The kids should also be pitching in!

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 18:13

I’m confused. You say you have 2 kids but I make it 3 kids if two get off the bus at 3 and one gets picked up at 4. Also is there any reason the 17 year old needs picking up? And what do you mean this gives you half an hour before homework starts? It’s your child’s homework not yours. You only need to be there when they get stuck, not hovering over them.
It stands to reason you cook every night as you’re first home, but your DH and/or your kids should muck in with the clearing up. I’m still interested to know about these jobs your DH does that you won’t do?

Original poster

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 18:23

@PinkSyCo....I have twins 😊 and a older dd.
The jobs he does that i don't do, frequently blocked drains/septic tank. He does cut the grass also but I would and have done that before. Kids do muck in when asked. Mental note to delegate more....
We live out in the country and there is no bus service for the 17 year old to get home she needs to be picked up!

@GlamorousHeifer the 17 year old does do her own homework but occasionally will need help revising topics for subjects, she is in an exam year.

The 11 year olds do need help with their homework sometimes its not a straightforward as you think.

OP posts:

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