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Original poster

Help me to get my husband to understand

82 replies

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 16:52

Age old problem, I do roughly around 95% of the things ie cook, clean, laundry within our household...we have 3 dc. I work until 2.30 everyday and luckily only during term time. I realise that this gives me more time to do the majority of household jobs...but is it too much to ask for Dh to help out when he comes home from work. Not every eve but on the eves when their is laundry to be put away, maybe a bathroom to clean a wash to put on.....🤷‍♀️
We have spoken about this many many times, there are promises to help out more, it might last a day or two and then we are back to old habits once again. Things i would like a bit of help with are laundry, put on a wash, bringing it upstairs put away your own clothes, clean a bathroom or two, sweep, polish every now and then..
If we run out of milk, bread something essential he wouldn't think of buying some or telling me we need it and it can be late in the eve before i realise anything needs replacing. I think im just a bit sick and tired of it being left to me. He does so some jobs that i wouldn't do. Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours.....should i just be grateful for the things he does do and just suck it up and not get cross with him or myself.....wise words please

OP posts:

GlamorousHeifer · 10/02/2022 20:18

@Iwantmynameback if you say so, I have an 11 year old and a fifteen year old so have some idea what I'm talking about. You are the one that's struggling so I would be thinking if I actually needed to be doing the things I'm doing, such as helping an almost adult with homework.
Each to there own though.

Goitalone2022 · 10/02/2022 20:25

I thought you were going to say they were all young primary age - if that was the case then I can see how it would be non stop for you but those ages not really.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 10/02/2022 20:29

The 11 year olds do need help with their homework sometimes its not a straightforward as you think.

But you can do other things at the same time, surely? You don't need to sit by their sides for the whole time while they do their homework.

At that age I did mine on my own - I mean, sure, I asked for help with some things (mainly maths) but otherwise I just...got on with it. 11 year olds are more than capable of getting on with their homework while you sort laundry, clean, cook dinner etc.

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2022 20:33

Goggling at a (presumably NT) 17 year old needing help with her homework.

pictish · 10/02/2022 20:37

@BalloonSlayer

Goggling at a (presumably NT) 17 year old needing help with her homework.

Why?

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2022 20:38

Because a 17 year old should be doing A Levels and should be working independently

Original poster

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 20:51

thanks for the replies again, think its getting slightly derailed....i will concede that i will and should do the majority of household work and although not in my orihinal op my job may only be part time I work hard at my job and although short hours, can wear me down, be very stressful and intense at times.

again with regards to helping the 17 year old....its not all the time but as said before she is in an exam year there are occasions when she will need me to listen to quotes from a play she is studying, definitions for science....two languages for grammer as part of the exam is aural....we are not in the U.K. As with all of us we only want the best for our kids so i will help them when i can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 20:53

@BalloonSlayer...she is not studying A levels but equivalent in another country.

OP posts:

rwalker · 10/02/2022 21:02

It all depends on how long 95% of household things take you to do. At a guess if he gets in a 6 you've had 3 1/2 hours thats 17.5 hours a week to do the house before you've done more than him .

pictish · 10/02/2022 21:03

Should this and should that. Who are you to decide who should be doing what?
I’m 46 and I need help with some things. People are all different you know. Different strengths and weaknesses and at different stages of development and education. You don’t know anything about this girl. You only know your own world.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 21:05

I'm a SAHM and I don't think it should all be my responsibility!! Let alone with a job.

I'd be reducing what of his stuff I do as if he so busy doing everything else. Once he's home, anything left to do is 50/50

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 21:08

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

The 11 year olds do need help with their homework sometimes its not a straightforward as you think.

But you can do other things at the same time, surely? You don't need to sit by their sides for the whole time while they do their homework.

I know op isn't in the UK but I wonder how much education her 11 has missed. I'd have a bit more empathy for an 11 year old in 2022 struggling a bit or a 17 who may never have sat formal exams with so many being cancelled.

ThatsANameChanger · 10/02/2022 21:09

I don't work (#lazy) (actually a stay at home mum), so by some logic I should be doing all the house stuff and kids stuff coz my DH is working full time in his proper person job.

What we actually do, is that if he's working, say, 40hrs a week (he works weird patterns, so it's not so straightforward), then for his 40hrs, I'm also "working" 40hrs. Which is usually all the childcare for the younger ones, their clubs, appointments etc, plus whatever other family stuff I can fit in - shopping, housework, whatever. I don't sit around having "me time" when he's at work. I fill the time with kids and jobs.

When he finishes work, or before he starts, and we're both around, we look at what needs doing and get it done. Between us. Neither has more "time off", because we've both been pulling our weight during working hours, so we get the same time off. If I plough through house stuff some days, then we have a really chilled evening/ weekend. If one day the kids are chaos and have loads of activities I'm carting them to etc, then I won't get much housework done, so DH and I split it when our "working day" ends.

Sometimes he'll work evenings, even I don't have kids to deal with and frankly I want to relax, so then I just make sure I don't leave an unfair load to him some other time, and make sure he gets time to relax on his own the next day or whatever.

We don't count it to the hour, but we each value the others contribution to life, so we both don't mind doing what's left to be done around the house. And the quicker it gets done, by two, the more free time we get as a family. Win.

formalineadeline · 10/02/2022 21:16

Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours

But you've repeatedly referred to it as him "helping you out", so clearly you see it as all your responsibility.

Every time you ask him to "help out" you communicate that it's your responsibility and you're asking for a special favour.

Every time he promises to "help out" he is seeing it as a gracious favour that goes beyond what he should be doing, and that he can therefore opt out of like any other favour.

That might seem picky, but the language we use shapes how we see things and how we behave.

This is not about him "helping" you as a favour with your job. It is about him failing to meet his responsibilities at home and with his family.

Stop asking him to help out and instead ask why he is abdicating his responsibilities. It's not a favour he is doing for you that he can withhold if he doesn't fancy it (and receive a parade if he does) - it's doing what he should be doing.

Nothing will change until you change your expectations and behaviour.

Redwinestillfine · 10/02/2022 21:17

I think there's a lot of jealousy about your hours op good on you.Yes you probably should do the majority but no reason he can't help especially if you are doing school runs and activity taxiing etc

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 10/02/2022 21:18

I finish at 2 travel till 3 pick the kids up at 3.20 then do after school clubs, cook tea, sort lunches for the next day etc. By the time I'm done with these my DH is home.

I do the majority of the food shopping and cooking but my DH does the majority of the tidying up afterwards.

He also takes care of most of the laundry as well.

We've both carved out free time over the last couple of years ie I go to the gym first thing and he goes for a run when he can and for a beer with mates on a weekend.

We just need to put some time aside together now!

KillingEvenings · 10/02/2022 21:27

I don't think my DH scans the house teh same way I do. I feel like whenever I walk into the room, I can see the chores that need doing. Like if I walk into the kitchen, I see that the dishwasher needs unloading, or the counter wasn't wiped, or DS left out the bread. DH just doesn't see it and it would take my asking to spur him into action. And I feel like a nag if I point out these little things. Instead, we just have a schedule so can point to that. Eg he's in charge of clearing and packing down the kitchen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and folding and distributing laundry Monday and Wednesdays. IT seems to work easier than expecting him to have a general eye open for what needs doing.

labyrinthlaziness · 10/02/2022 21:29

My DH finishes earlier than me and therefore does the majority of jobs in the week. At the weekend we split it more.

I think YABU.

JenniferWildlay · 10/02/2022 21:32

Try putting a planner up on the wall in the kitchen. Your jobs in one colour, his in another, a third colour for ones anybody can do it. Then cross of your tasks once done.

Original poster

Iwantmynameback · 10/02/2022 21:39

thank you @formalineadeline that is an excellent way of putting it....

@KillingEvenings exactly my Dh doesn't look at the rooms the way I do....I wish he would see things like i do but sadly not. I should no better after 20 odd years together😊
I think things run smoothly if things are cleaned up and put away. I will admit my standards are high i need to step back putting pressure on myself.... I will ask him to help out esp with the laundry, that is a big bug bear 😄 for now the pile thst had built up has been put away!

OP posts:

caranations · 10/02/2022 21:42

I agree that the majority should fall to you when you're at home and he's out. But when you're both at home then you should both be doing things. Otherwise he comes home from work and switches off, but you are on duty 24/7.

Velvian · 10/02/2022 21:44

Honestly OP, I would just increase your hours to full time and pay some other mug to collect your kids after school. It is much easier and there is nowhere for DH to hide then.

Honestly, working full time, making some food and putting some washing away is not that impressive or taxing.

It amazes me that as soon as a man has children, we expect the poor love to do less than he did before he had children. It is so odd and so blatantly mysoginistic, so suspicious of women and what they might be getting up to when you're not watching them.

I'm really sick of it and cannot believe it is still going on, nowhere more so than MN.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/02/2022 21:59

DP does 90% of house stuff because he's between fulltime jobs and I'm not. If he were out of the house as long as me, it would be equal, but it's not.

My contribution towards housework is the occasional washload, stripping the bed on a Saturday morning, a bit of weekend recreational cooking, the odd online shopping order and I generally clean the upstairs bathroom. He did begin to become irritated by the constant washing up, so we bought a dishwasher, which I load and unload probably fairly equally with him (I had pointed out that when I cook, everything is clean by the time I finish because I clean up as I go along, but he's not got his head around that side). Whenever there's DIY/Repairs/something requiring logistics, planning or something mechanical, I sort it and if there's something that is delicate/fragile/likely to get mullered in the general washing, I deal with it.

If he said he felt I didn't do enough, I'd listen and probably do a bit, but it does come down to the fact that I'm out of the house working longer hours so physically can't do it all whilst he's there and can. If he were saving shit up for me, I wouldn't be very pleased.

Bollindger · 10/02/2022 22:10

If you get a laundry basket for everyone, and pile their things in it, when they come home, they take it up and put it away.
Your children are old enough to learn to cook, everyone gets a day where they do tea and someone else gets to clean up afterwards with Uni looming you will actually be setting your child up for life this way.

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2022 22:11

@rwalker

It all depends on how long 95% of household things take you to do. At a guess if he gets in a 6 you've had 3 1/2 hours thats 17.5 hours a week to do the house before you've done more than him .

To do the house? Does picking up dd and 11yo homework and school admin and cooking dinner all just happen by magic? I wouldn’t expect to do 95% of the term time work in the ops position. (We both work full time with young dc so fully expect that coming home from a busy day at work is diving into the middle of dinner bath bed washing admin tidying cleaning, coming home and relaxing after a stressful day at work isn’t on the cards.) If your dh doesn’t get home in time would it help you to say he does eg weekend dinner? Many men I know with busy jobs and sahm wives do the weekend meal, a healthy home cooked meal without leaving the kitchen a bombsite I should say. Mine batch cooks on the weekend.

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