Help me to get my husband to understand

[Iwantmynameback]

Age old problem, I do roughly around 95% of the things ie cook, clean, laundry within our household...we have 3 dc. I work until 2.30 everyday and luckily only during term time. I realise that this gives me more time to do the majority of household jobs...but is it too much to ask for Dh to help out when he comes home from work. Not every eve but on the eves when their is laundry to be put away, maybe a bathroom to clean a wash to put on.....🤷‍♀️
We have spoken about this many many times, there are promises to help out more, it might last a day or two and then we are back to old habits once again. Things i would like a bit of help with are laundry, put on a wash, bringing it upstairs put away your own clothes, clean a bathroom or two, sweep, polish every now and then..
If we run out of milk, bread something essential he wouldn't think of buying some or telling me we need it and it can be late in the eve before i realise anything needs replacing. I think im just a bit sick and tired of it being left to me. He does so some jobs that i wouldn't do. Am i asking too much, should it be all my responsibility because of my working hours.....should i just be grateful for the things he does do and just suck it up and not get cross with him or myself.....wise words please

@Velvian

Honestly OP, I would just increase your hours to full time and pay some other mug to collect your kids after school. It is much easier and there is nowhere for DH to hide then.

Honestly, working full time, making some food and putting some washing away is not that impressive or taxing.

It amazes me that as soon as a man has children, we expect the poor love to do less than he did before he had children. It is so odd and so blatantly mysoginistic, so suspicious of women and what they might be getting up to when you're not watching them.

I'm really sick of it and cannot believe it is still going on, nowhere more so than MN.

I agree with you wholeheartedly

I will ask him to help out esp with the laundry, that is a big bug bear

I think you mean, "I will ask him to do the laundry."

I mean, I assume he is not a naturist and does indeed wear clothes that need washing?

* the 17 year old does do her own homework but occasionally will need help revising topics for subjects, she is in an exam year.*

Come on op
Seriously - once in a blue moon surely

And I have an 11 year old - homework really isn’t onerous

You are making mountains out of molehills

The majority of us on mumsnet are… mums

So seriously OP - you can’t pull the wool over our eyes

You finish at 2.30
You have al school holidays off
You have a 17/18 year old in final year at school
And you have 2x 11 year olds

Unless there’s going to be a huge drip feed
It compares rather favourably to the overwhelming majority of the rest of us!!

Understand your frustration and having to deal with the mental load with replacing items

But in the school holidays the housework should be all yours if DH is working

But like you said you wish he saw the house the way you do

So perhaps you have to prompt him also when the laundry is done and ready to go upstairs just say ' can you run this up for me and put yours away' I'll sort the rest ( baby steps)

@Toanewstart23 you've perfectly exemplified my point about misogyny and suspicion of what women might be up to.

You suspect that op may have sat down and watched TV at some point, because you have this suspicion, she must do everything for her able bodied husband. We are quite happy for fathers to sit down watching Tv/playing games while we can see them doing it, but if we even suspect a woman might have sat down, Lord help her.

Don't you think that if it was so easy to fuck about with your working hours, not take a lunch so that you can then fuck about ferrying your kids about that more men would do it? It is a patriarchy after all.

So what if op did sit down at some point, so what if she had a little nap between 4 and 5? Even then, would it really be the worst thing in the world, so unbearably unjust, to expect a man to muck in when he gets home? He needs to eat, he wears clean clothes, uses the bathroom, sleeps on sheets, has kids. Should all of that just happen for him?

It's not the fucking school holidays is it? It's a normal week. Do you think you can just do washing and cleaning and cooking in the school holidays and that sorts it for the year? Replies on threads like this piss me off more than the actual man behaving like a lord and master.

It sounds like your family are taking you for granted. You're always on hand for lifts and homework help. You do all of the cooking and laundry. Your job allows you to be present but you also need downtime.

Does your husband appreciate what you do? Do you kids? It does sound like you are mollycoddling them a bit. Lots of teenagers manage exams successfully without a parent being present 3pm onwards to help with homework and revision.

Everyone in the house is old enough to pick up after themselves. Everyone is old enough to do their own laundry. Everyone is old enough to make packed lunches (weekdays), their own breakfasts and lunches at the weekend. The 17 yo should be able to make simple family dinners once in a while. She'll be living independently soon remember.

... And next up in the misogyny guide: blame the person doing all the work for not making others do the work.

It is important to explain it to her clearly and gently, as she may have trouble understanding.

I'm so pissed off with this for you @Iwantmynameback. Can you tell?

If that was directed at me @Velvian it was absolutely not my intention and apologies OP if it reads like that.

But sometimes we (women and men) unintentionally create/contribute to family dynamics that then piss us off. E.g. my DH absolutely babies my DD and then gets frustrated when she doesn't think for herself (she's 14).

[quote Velvian]@Toanewstart23 you've perfectly exemplified my point about misogyny and suspicion of what women might be up to.

You suspect that op may have sat down and watched TV at some point, because you have this suspicion, she must do everything for her able bodied husband. We are quite happy for fathers to sit down watching Tv/playing games while we can see them doing it, but if we even suspect a woman might have sat down, Lord help her.

Don't you think that if it was so easy to fuck about with your working hours, not take a lunch so that you can then fuck about ferrying your kids about that more men would do it? It is a patriarchy after all.

So what if op did sit down at some point, so what if she had a little nap between 4 and 5? Even then, would it really be the worst thing in the world, so unbearably unjust, to expect a man to muck in when he gets home? He needs to eat, he wears clean clothes, uses the bathroom, sleeps on sheets, has kids. Should all of that just happen for him?[/quote]
Nah
I didn’t give it remotely that thought
I’m a single working parent (part time, similar hours to op) with an 11 year old and a younger child and no family support -whatsoever - so I know the score!

... And next up in the misogyny guide: blame the person doing all the work for not making others do the work.

Hmm.

I see your point but I know so many people who insist things are done their way, and their way only, and if someone else tries to do it instead, they complain and re-do it anyway.

Not saying that's the case here but it's hardly uncommon.

I'm not going let that lazy attempt blaming the woman go either.

It may be bandied about that a woman insists on things being her way. How much of it is an objection to strategic incompetence? How much of it is a refusal from the other family members to take instruction on how to do a particular job from the person that has always done the job, because they have so little respect for her and the work she has done for them?

It's not that black and white either way though, is it?

Because there is also the element of op's internalised misogyny meaning she's approaching this from the starting point that this is all her job, that she is asking for help with her job, that he is doing her a favour, that she should focus on ways to tolerate and work around this.

The decisions someone makes if they believe they should have to put up with this and that they're being cheeky to ask the other person to pull their weight are going to be markedly different to if they actually recognise this is not about being helped and the husband is behaving poorly.

That side needs to change for the overall situation to change. Making that observation is not the same as blaming the op for the husband's behaviour. Of course his behaviour is his own fault.

Although I do agree that the suggestions for ways for the op to put up with this crap more cheerfully or take on even more responsibility by treating her husband as an employee to be line managed are not helpful.

This is bonkers. From your OP I figured your DC were very young but they’re actually secondary school age with the eldest almost being an adult! The kids should be chipping in and doing their bit, especially the eldest. You only work until 2:30 and don’t work during the school holidays so have more time to clean than your DH. Maybe set up a rota and give everyone in the house jobs to do.

The 17 year old should be making at least one family dinner a week and at least a load of laundry a week to get them into the habit of doing this if they are going to be going to uni or just looking after themselves in the future.

I think if you feel like you never get any free time then you need to talk to your Dh and stop using the word "help" which makes it seem like everything in the house is your responsibility. You should have equal free time which is the main point of your discussion.

Have set days for things like emptying the bins and delegate that task to your children. 11 is old enough to be able to remove a bin liner, knot it and put it in the bin outside. 11 year olds can also strip their beds and put it into the washing machine and unload the dishwasher in the morning.

Stop babying the children one of whom is almost an adult. This helps prepare them for having to do it all for themselves anyway.

@Velvian I think I love you.

11 and 17?
Bloody hell, apart from using the last of things I think you have quite a sweet deal.
I'd expect a little help at the weekend, but that's it.

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses on this thread. It's almost as if OP is expected to be her OHs maid just because she works a few less hours a day. God forbid she wants some down time of her own. There is nothing wrong with expecting a full grown man to take some responsibility for the running of the home. He should be more than capable of putting on a wash when he sees it needs doing or making sure the fridge and pantry is restocked with necessary items.
OP for what it's worth my OH can be like that also. I tell him, but it just falls on deaf ears too. So you you have my full empathy.

@GruffaloSolja

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses on this thread. It's almost as if OP is expected to be her OHs maid just because she works a few less hours a day. God forbid she wants some down time of her own. There is nothing wrong with expecting a full grown man to take some responsibility for the running of the home. He should be more than capable of putting on a wash when he sees it needs doing or making sure the fridge and pantry is restocked with necessary items. OP for what it's worth my OH can be like that also. I tell him, but it just falls on deaf ears too. So you you have my full empathy.

Absolutely agree.

The op isn't a sahm or housewife. She works. Ok, not full time but that doesn't mean she should do absolutely everything. I'm a sahm of school age DC and do everything. I think that's reasonable. If she works part time, she should probably do slightly more than him but why should he abdicate all responsibility for household stuff?!

I absolutely believe that if the op worked full time, he'd be exactly the same!

Not once does the OP refer to the hours her dh works

If he’s home at 5.30 - then reasonable he does laundry etc

Home at 8.30pm like my ex? No way reasonable. He’d crawl in utterly exhausted after long stressful day at work and then a commute

It’s critical to the issue

* I absolutely believe that if the op worked full time, he'd be exactly the same!*

absolutely believe

@Toanewstart23

* I absolutely believe that if the op worked full time, he'd be exactly the same!*

absolutely believe

Yes, these boards are full of women who work full time and do absolutely everything in the house.

I suggest if these men want a 1950s housewife, they should at least have the decency to take on ALL financial responsibility.

I think there is a bit of personal responsibility lacking here.

At 11 and 17 I would include the kids and say EVERYONE

• gets their laundry to an agreed laundry basket (being mindful of what they need when - e.g. PE kits)
• collects their washed and sorted laundry from an agreed place (in our house it is sorted into the dining table to be put away before dinner)
• takes their own pots to the kitchen and clears away their own rubbish (cups in bedrooms, sweet papers etc)
• rinses the shower/bath/sink after use

We also put aside all the food needed for lunchboxes when the shopping comes in on a Friday so these things are available when needed, and everyone know to shout when certain foods reach a trigger point - e.g. I'm opening the last bottle of milk.

None of these things time consuming when done as you go - but a big job when left to 1 person to do it all!!

So on the basis that other mumsnetters, in no way linked to the OP or her husband, work full time and have hopeless husbands

You absolutely believe the same applies to this thread?