Protecting children from "life"

[TooManyAnimals94]

Another thread got me thinking about the aspects of life that we either expose or protect our children from.
Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex? Is there an argument for exposing children to all three and making it a normal part of life.
For example, I think people who replace dead pets with lookalikes or tell children 'Lucky went to live on a farm ' are so in the wrong. Especially the second one...surely it raises more questions than it answers and offers no opportunity for closure.
Another one that springs to mind is a friend of mine who owns a stud and breeds dogs. All of his kids understand from a very young age what sex is and where babies come from.
I only became a parent recently but I like to think I will try and be as open and honest about the tough subjects when my DD is small in the hope she'll find it easier to talk to me as she grows up.
Am I very naive? Is there a good case for protecting children from unpleasant things?

Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex?

Just wait till you have a 5 year old who can read newspaper billboards and pipes up from the back of the car, "Mummy, what's gay sex?"

Worse was, "Mummy, what's rape?" .

Seriously though, you're not wrong. They need to learn these things, in an age appropriate way. I'd never lie outright, e.g. your pet has gone to a farm in the country. That's really unhelpful for the child.

Those aren’t the most unpleasant things. The really unpleasant things are torture, sexual assault, child neglect, murder, mass murder and genocide. I’ve probably missed a few things.

It’s about what’s child appropriate - not lying but rather not overloading them with information they can’t comprehend or rationalise with a child brain

You are completely right.

I think I generally try to be open with DS1 (nearly 6) in an age appropriate way.

I think I tend to over- explain and confuse him though. Most recent tricky question was "does Boris Johnson make the law?"

I don't think it's about protecting them from knowing about these things, I think it's about them finding out about them at the right stage in their life so that it doesn't cause undue distress.

I think DS can know that mummy bleeds monthly and it doesn't hurt her or anyone else from a very early age, but violent crime may be best left until he understands the likelihood of it happening.

I don’t see why young children need to know about sex tbh, I just don’t see why they need to know about that?

DuesToTheDirt

Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex?

Just wait till you have a 5 year old who can read newspaper billboards and pipes up from the back of the car, "Mummy, what's gay sex?" grin”

Or having to drive your youngest home from school through Blackpool.
“Why’s that man dressed as a willy?”. Seriously, not making it up.

I think a bit of sanitisation is helpful!

That's why I used the word 'unpleasant' rather than downright nasty awful things like child abuse. But it all relates doesn't it? If a child understands what sex is and why people/animals have it, it makes a conversation about consent easier and they are more likely to understand if someone behaves inappropriately towards them.
There is definitely an element of explanations being age appropriate and I applaud anyone tackling the BIG questions. My issue is with people who pretend there are no big questions.

Yes, I agree.

Although, we lost a goldfish and my dad in quick succession, leading my three year old to announce a few weeks after "Grandad very died. Like fishy."

Yes dear, but don't say that to Nana.

I suppose they're the life cycle things that are most consequential aren't they.

You can badly state facts but the emotions they contain can be really hard to face, even for mature adults. And it can so easily creep into right out inappropriate stuff, knowing how babies are made is different to hearing about - I dunno, 3 way fisting. Knowing that people you love will die when they are very old is different to knowing that people are sometimes murdered for fun or profit.

And we all recognise that any of those things happening out of their 'proper' time can be absolutely devastating - maybe that attitude bleeds subconsciously into even putting it into their heads at all.

I think you can provide an age appropriate response to any questions but I've never hid anything from my kids. It's best they learn about life, death, sex, etc. from me than from the wrong people or having no knowledge whatsoever. It's our duty as parents to prepare them for life. If we shield them too much then they don't know how to deal with life situations because they've never encountered them or learned about them. Anecdotal evidence but the two friends I have who went to all girl Catholic schools both reported that at least five girls in their year got pregnant whilst still at school and in their opinion, it was because they didn't get proper sex/emotional education from their parents or from the school. (This was back in the 70s).

I know what you mean and now I have a toddler I have similar thoughts. I was with my mum and DD the other day and mentioned that we were sending a card to a friend as his dad had died. DD said “grandma did you know he died?” and my mum properly winced. With decades in palliative care behind her I was surprised tbh. She’s very matter of fact about life and death but hearing it from a little one upset her.

He did die. It was sad but it’s a fact. And DD told me she had her period the other day because she’s heard me talking about.

Not sure when to tackle sex but I don’t remember finding out how babies were made so I think mum explained it to me early enough that it was never weird.

I find the idea that kids shouldn't know about things until they can fully comprehend them, a strange one.
I don't think children really comprehend death fully, even older children, but they should still learn about it. And pets are an easy way to learn.
And yes once kids can read and talk to other kids with older brothers and sisters, they start learning a lot more anyway.

Just 2 yr old dd spent six months saying “great granny died. She was very very old and her body stopped working”. Every single day. Kids need age appropriate explanations even if we all cry over a dead hamster (true story) and not lies. Still bitter about being told my gran had gone to heaven “when is she coming back?” Rather than clearly and gently told that she had died which is what I needed.

@DeckTheHallsWithGin

Just 2 yr old dd spent six months saying “great granny died. She was very very old and her body stopped working”. Every single day. Kids need age appropriate explanations even if we all cry over a dead hamster (true story) and not lies. Still bitter about being told my gran had gone to heaven “when is she coming back?” Rather than clearly and gently told that she had died which is what I needed.

Why on earth did they not say that to you after you asked? Or even, You can't come back from heaven?

I agree. We sanitise so much of their lives. If we are not careful all they know is the fragments and half truths they pick up from friends, books, school, tv…. We can’t keep it from them really and sometimes not knowing can do more harm than good. Knowledge is power and all that.
I also think that it can cause it to become something to be scared of, a lot of unnecessary anxiety because they don’t really know what’s going on.
I was thinking along a similar vein earlier in the week. I was thinking how easy most of our children’s lives are. Most of them have nice homes, food, clothes, toys, and education, access to sports and hobbies, access to technology and excellent medical care. They’re ferried to school and parties. Lots of them aren’t even expected to walk 5 minutes to school or carry their own book bag. They’re not allowed to be disappointed or have to do without anything. I worry how they will ever have any resilience at all.
I look back on my grandmothers life and just think how privileged my children are. I do wonder about their long term ability to cope with the reality of life.

Whatever you say needs to be age appropriate. The world can be a terrifying place to a child with all its uncertainty. I remember as a child laying awake at night thinking about the frightening news bulletin I’d just seen

@DeckTheHallsWithGin

Just 2 yr old dd spent six months saying “great granny died. She was very very old and her body stopped working”. Every single day. Kids need age appropriate explanations even if we all cry over a dead hamster (true story) and not lies. Still bitter about being told my gran had gone to heaven “when is she coming back?” Rather than clearly and gently told that she had died which is what I needed.

Bless you. My friend’s grandparents lived in Spain, died and were obviously not seen again. She thought all people who died went to Spain for years.

We live on a farm, My children are definitely exposed to those things.

My youngests reception teacher told me she had a panic when she asked the class who knew about seasons- my Ds pipes up- its when a cow is ready to make a baby so she'll keep mooing to shout Kevin the bull ...... thankfully, he stopped there!!

I agree. Although my DD loves hearing her birth story which I've told her all about. Both my DC know how babies are born.

Re. death my DC have asked what happens when you die and I explain no one truly knows as no one has come back but then explain that some people believe in heaven etc.

I try to broach difficult subjects as honestly as possible but without too many scary details. My DC know there are bad people out there so they must be wary of strangers for instance.

I think there needs to be a balance . Not keeping kids in the dark but answering their questions or explain things in an age appropriate way and start as soon as possible. In my opinion, that way you can build up on it as they grow older , little bits of extra information and language that grows with them and they can adjust to. Then when it comes to the more serious stuff, they already have a foundation to base things on , with facts that are known and normal to them.

DD recently asked what rape is , since she knew about sex, that some people aren't very nice etc it was easier to explain the basics.

MindyStClaire DHs cousin died recently, A few weeks later DS1 asked him "Is your cousin a skeleton yet?"
I need to work on his tact.

@DeckTheHallsWithGin

Just 2 yr old dd spent six months saying “great granny died. She was very very old and her body stopped working”. Every single day. Kids need age appropriate explanations even if we all cry over a dead hamster (true story) and not lies. Still bitter about being told my gran had gone to heaven “when is she coming back?” Rather than clearly and gently told that she had died which is what I needed.

When my FIL died my DD2 was three years old.

I tried explaining gently and age appropriately (I hoped) that he had died. She just didn't get it and still kept asking when he was coming back. My MIL later tried saying that he had gone to heaven and still got asked when he was coming back.

My DD2 was a slightly late developer, always within the bounds of normal, but only just sometimes. She always got there in the end, just not always when you thought she would or would have liked her to.