Protecting children from "life"

[TooManyAnimals94]

Another thread got me thinking about the aspects of life that we either expose or protect our children from.
Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex? Is there an argument for exposing children to all three and making it a normal part of life.
For example, I think people who replace dead pets with lookalikes or tell children 'Lucky went to live on a farm ' are so in the wrong. Especially the second one...surely it raises more questions than it answers and offers no opportunity for closure.
Another one that springs to mind is a friend of mine who owns a stud and breeds dogs. All of his kids understand from a very young age what sex is and where babies come from.
I only became a parent recently but I like to think I will try and be as open and honest about the tough subjects when my DD is small in the hope she'll find it easier to talk to me as she grows up.
Am I very naive? Is there a good case for protecting children from unpleasant things?

I think that as a parent you know your children best. It is your job to expose them to some of the hard and upsetting things that happen throughout life, but traumatic events have to be handled extremely sensitively and at an age appropriate level IMHO. My DC lost two close family members in a short space of time when they were primary school age and we didn't explain the details as we as were pretty traumatised ourselves tbh and didn't want to overload young minds with things that they couldn't process. We didn't keep things from them but we were v careful about what details we shared with them.

As for sex and childbirth, I remember answering my DD's questions about having a baby, when she was about 3 yrs old, and her just laughing at my factual explanation because she thought it was so preposterous .

@StevieNicksscarf I don't think all parents do know what is best for their children. A relative of mine told their young children that their much-loved grandfather had gone away for a bit. They found out that he had died through an overheard conversation and were pretty traumatised by finding out that way.

Oh dear - I am obviously wrong then. I suppose I meant that you know how sensitive your DC are but that was in terms of the amount of detail you go into. I wouldn't lie regarding the fact that someone has died but I guess some people find it too difficult?

@StevieNicksscarf I think what you say does apply to good parents.
Different 5-year-olds will understand different levels of explanations. I agree on that point.

It's better to tell them in a gentle, age-appropriate way whenever they ask. For one thing, they may have to deal with birth and death at a young age (a pregnancy within the family, someone dying) and it's really important to answer their questions and not fob them off.

I believe there's actually some research to indicate that children are less anxious when adults are honest and direct with them about the hard stuff of life, and more anxious when they're "protected" from it.

I've made a commitment to always be honest with DS(7), in language he can understand. That has made for some interesting conversations, with explaining marital infidelity and the Holocaust definitely being up there. The more he knows, the more he seems to be able to process and accept it. He's not currently very interested in sex or making babies, more in morality and power, but when he is I'll explain it the same way.

@RedCandyApple

I don’t see why young children need to know about sex tbh, I just don’t see why they need to know about that?

I think this depends on what you mean by 'know about sex'

for example people tend to get outraged when they hear about 'sex' education in school.

But my ds and dd1 both knew that babies grow in Mummies tummy becuase they saw me pregnant. Totally natural, and natural to ask - how did the baby get there?
easy to answer in child in simple language without telling lies.

That is 'knowing about sex' in an age appropriate way.

I never understand why that is not OK, surely that is part of life?

I try not to sanitise - ds(3) saw a dead pigeon on the road about 6 months ago and I decided it was time to be honest as far as was age appropriate - it was alive but now it has gone, it was there and now its not but its body is still there. Then a couple of months later our cat got run over so he had a reference when I explained what had happened. He has lots of questions still about why, if I will die, if x y z will and I try to be reassuring but honest. Its obviously worked because at Xmas a family members dog came to greet us and ds loudly announced "when that dog dies we will have nice memories of him won't we"
It's a bit difficult when other children's parents have told them about heaven etc because we aren't religious and I imagine it might be a bit confusing in future.

Re sex: ds knows he was an egg in my tummy before he was born, he hasn't asked what daddy's role was yet but when he does I'll be honest, again in an age appropriate way. He also knows I had an operation for him to be born (and he has seen the pictures!) And that some of his friends were born vaginally.

Personally I think that lying to children then them funding out when they're older is a bit risky risky a trust perspective... although we do father Christmas 🤷‍♀️

I agree with you. I try my best to just be open about things.

I found myself explaining some funny old things. Like what happens when grandad's body is cremated, or how yes, you can get married to another boy when you grow up, and yes you can have children if you do, but you would need to adopt a child whose parents had died or were unable to look after them because men can't grow babies inside their tummies.

All these conversations trip naturally between this and the normal stuff like 'oh, can we get sweets after school today'. The conversations are taxing for me (although I hide it, I hope), but just everyday for my kids.

the other thing you have to remember is that they will get a LOT of information from the playground, much of it inaccurate.

So if they have always know where babies come from, and that gay means 2 men or women love each other, and so on, then they are much more likely to have a framework to deal with the nonsense they hear, and MUCH more likely to come and ask you.

When ds was about 9 or 10, he marched in the door and asked some very very blunt questions about contraception.
Both his younger sisters were sitting at the dinner table listening.

I very matter of factly told him what he asked for, and threw in a few words of consent and caution round them and then served dinner.

He neede to know at that point, not in 3/4 years when I thought he was ready.

(just to be clear, he 'needed to know' because it was being talked about, not because he needed to put it into action!)

One of my kids asked so many questions. She wasn't satisfied with the egg in mummies tummy, and dad put it there. But how did it get there exactly? I did tell her. She was about 4 and asked so many detailed questions. But seemed to forget many of the answers as she asked most of them again at about 7.

My kids are pretty sheltered by virtue of where we live, the fact that we don’t have TV (only stream stuff) and their extreme privilege.

They aren’t exposed to the horrors of life but for all other topics, nothing is off the table and I explain in an age appropriate way with no embarrassment.
Sex, periods, erections, consent, birth, death etc. Nothing is hidden, and I hope I can approach all life topics without shying away from them.

My sister tells her children the truth in an age appropriate way. She had to sadly tell her 4 year old that I had a miscarriage (niece knew about the pregnancy). She explained to her that the baby had died and when my niece asked why she compared it to when they plant flowers in the garden some grow to be big and some don't, it is sad that they don't and we don't always know why. She reassured her that it was really normal to feel sad. I thought that was a really lovely way of broaching it.

Childhood innocence surely? What is wrong with young children having a childhood first .My family were very protective .I was 31 before I even heard about porn ! Please let children be children!

"Pas devant les enfants" was a saying that was bandied about a lot in years gone by, wasn't it?

Sometimes I think we really should protect children's innocence, not from the facts of life and death, but from potentially distressing information that they're not really old enough to handle. Like a terminally ill relative, for instance. Time enough to tell them when the person dies, they don't need to be exposed to conversations between adults for months beforehand.

I suppose there's a big gap between 'sanitised' and 'unvarnished' and you generally try to pitch it somewhere in the middle.

@toppkatz telling them months before that a relative will die is too much. But I think telling them beforehand helps prepare them. Also if their parents are upset it makes sense to explain that is because X relative is ill.

I think there needs to be a balance . Not keeping kids in the dark but answering their questions or explain things in an age appropriate way and start as soon as possible. In my opinion, that way you can build up on it as they grow older , little bits of extra information and language that grows with them and they can adjust to. Then when it comes to the more serious stuff, they already have a foundation to base things on , with facts that are known and normal to them.

This is exactly how I feel. I've always tried to tell my DDs the truth but in the way I feel appropriate for their age and then I can give more information as and when they ask or they need it.

So for example, when DDs lost a grandparent DD1 was 3 and we told her that Granny had died, she couldn't come back and it was very sad but she loved us all very much and that sort of love can never be gone.

Same when asked about how they got into my tummy at age 4.....Daddy put a seed in my tummy and it grew into a baby.

They know the correct anatomical names for body parts and they know about periods. They know that some children have two mummies or two daddies or just one of each or are looked after by grandparents etc (school massively helped with that as it's quite diverse.)

They seem to take it all in their stride and are quite matter of fact about things so hopefully a bit of knowledge helps them. They have to trust you to answer their questions otherwise they'll stop asking you. Although DD did ask "what is war?" the other day.... she's 4 so had to think about it for a minute!

@dottydodah

Childhood innocence surely? What is wrong with young children having a childhood first .My family were very protective .I was 31 before I even heard about porn ! Please let children be children!

I don't know how you could get to 31 and never heard of porn. Unless you grew up in a tiny village abroad with no internet, or you are very elderly. Also how can you possibly protect your own children if you don't understand the dangers in life yourself?

@showmethegin that's a lovely way of explaining it

Also, some things you have to include a word or two along the lines of 'some people believe x and some people believe y but no one knows for sure' if DC are at school. It's fair enough to bring up your DC in line with your own beliefs on what happens after death, for instance, but they are never too young to be taught a little tact so they don't tell the classmate who has been told by their own family that Grandma has 'gone to heaven' that there is no such thing...

@dottydodah

Childhood innocence surely? What is wrong with young children having a childhood first .My family were very protective .I was 31 before I even heard about porn ! Please let children be children!

I absolutely think they should be children....and I'm not going to be discussing porn with my preschooler but 31 is incredibly sheltered and I'd worry that if you'd been exposed to it inappropriately when you were younger, what would have happened? You'd have absolutely no frame of reference. It's awful but a fact that some kid at school when they're older is going to share pornographic content on a phone or they're going to talk about it with their friends so I'd rather have had a conversation with them about it before that happens or at least them feel comfortable to come and tell me or ask questions.

There's some evidence to suggest that children that can describe their body correctly anatomically "I saw his penis" or "she touched my vulva" are less likely to be sexually abused. Considering the horrendous statistics on how many children are sexually abused before the age of 16 I don't think ignorance is always bliss.

@dottydodah

Childhood innocence surely? What is wrong with young children having a childhood first .My family were very protective .I was 31 before I even heard about porn ! Please let children be children!

I don't think anyone was advocating teaching kids about porn.

But knowing about their bodies, about reproduction and about illness and death, in an age appropriate way means they are more prepared for all of those things. Things which can be scary or confusing, or surrounded by misinformation.

@Camomila

I think I generally try to be open with DS1 (nearly 6) in an age appropriate way.

I think I tend to over- explain and confuse him though. Most recent tricky question was "does Boris Johnson make the law?"

Well, yes, but also he breaks it.