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Original poster

Protecting children from "life"

120 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 01/02/2022 20:35

Another thread got me thinking about the aspects of life that we either expose or protect our children from.
Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex? Is there an argument for exposing children to all three and making it a normal part of life.
For example, I think people who replace dead pets with lookalikes or tell children 'Lucky went to live on a farm ' are so in the wrong. Especially the second one...surely it raises more questions than it answers and offers no opportunity for closure.
Another one that springs to mind is a friend of mine who owns a stud and breeds dogs. All of his kids understand from a very young age what sex is and where babies come from.
I only became a parent recently but I like to think I will try and be as open and honest about the tough subjects when my DD is small in the hope she'll find it easier to talk to me as she grows up.
Am I very naive? Is there a good case for protecting children from unpleasant things?

OP posts:

LocalHobo · 02/02/2022 19:06

He asked where my mum was and I took a deep breath, then said “well, she passed”
My DC would not know that phrase, we would say "She died" and I'm not sure what they would make of the idea of "passing" I suppose that illustrates how we pass on information differently.

RedCandyApple · 02/02/2022 19:06

However some children will keep asking questions, they'll want to know how etc and then the alternatives are lie ,shut them down or explain a bit more in an age appropriate way including PIV. It is what it is and the first two options aren't very healthy or safe.

I don’t mind what others tell there kids but I wouldn’t that’s all I’m saying, I’ve heard people say adults have a special cuddle that puts the seed in the belly and only adults can do it I would go along those lines rather than being graphic. No need for details, 4 year olds don’t need to know what sex is.

RedCandyApple · 02/02/2022 19:13

And I don’t really get the “lying” comment, people lie to their kids all the time, Santa anyone? Tooth fairy? Kids don’t need to know everything

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IHateCoronavirus · 02/02/2022 19:22

But some questions are just too difficult to explain to a little child. My then preschooler once asked me “Why is Donald Trump?” I’m not quite sure I know myself!

Blackopal · 02/02/2022 19:45

Refrosty
I am absolutely not judging you as I know how hard this can be when your child wants reassurance from you.
However, how will you deal with this when it comes up again, which it surely will do?

Both of my daughter's have discussed death with me and it can be difficult. I tell them death is the end of life in this body.
I explain what different religions believe happens after death and we talk about their ideas. We are not religious and we also cover the fact that it may simply mean the end.
That can be a scary concept, but we discussed how that would surely just be like before being born, nothing terrifying in it really.
A book I found helped with the concept of ever lasting love was Invisible String.

Blackopal · 02/02/2022 19:46

Also to add, the death conversation isn't a one time thing in my experience. Adults struggle with it and it gets revisited with my children every so often.

showmethegin · 02/02/2022 22:29

@IHateCoronavirus

But some questions are just too difficult to explain to a little child. My then preschooler once asked me “Why is Donald Trump?”

I’m not quite sure I know myself!

Brilliant

Mischance · 02/02/2022 22:37

My 6 year old GS asked his Mum is she was on her period when she was being a bit ratty. Good question. He knows all about it. Just as it should be.

Ylvamoon · 02/02/2022 22:52

I just approached each subject in an age appropriate way when the question was asked.

But then, like an other poster, we have a strong connection to animal breeding and the children have witnessed the cycle of life from conception to death. They are growing into it, so sex, birth death and sadly serious illness are all part of their growing up.

KitchenTowel · 03/02/2022 00:33

I don't think these subjects should be taboo. If DC asks I'll always answer. I'll try to do it in an age appropriate way but I also tend to over explain and complicate things. DD asked the other day what happens when we die and I told her about the different things that people believe. As a convicted atheist I believe we just glide into non existence but I found myself glossing over that and purposefully mentioning that some people believe we go to heaven, etc. I just found my own beliefs too bleak and maybe scary for a little child. She knows about periods. I've told her that they happen to women when they are able to have children but when she starts asking about sex I think I'll get a book to help me out with the explanations. She knows all about birth (a happy uncomplicated subject so I find it easy to talk about).

christingle2 · 03/02/2022 00:35

This reminds me of a black mirror episode

steppemum · 03/02/2022 07:27

Graphista

Please could you learn how to quote?
If you use an asterix at each end of a line, then it will appear bold*

Your posts are impossible to read because we can't see what you are quoting and what is you.

dottydodah · 03/02/2022 08:45

Graphista I am sorry to hear of your childhood .I see now looking back that I was somewhat overprotected .My DGP looked after me a lot as a child ,they were from a generation that never discussed Sex .Were not comfortable with TV shows that were graphic ,no swearing or sex. My DH had a similar upbringing but with his own DP.This was the 1970s . I dont know why I hadnt heard about Porn , just wasnt so openly known about then I guess? I have been more open with my own DC though .My Son age 9 then asked me what being "Gay " meant.Just said when one man loves another man .Didnt go into details !

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/02/2022 08:54

Birth, death and sex are quite different topics. I've never protected my DS from the truth about birth or death (age appropriate) but I protected him from seeing or hearing details about sex until he was old enough to understand it more.
Small children don't need to be exposed to the reality of sex. It's not healthy for them to be so.

I0NA · 03/02/2022 08:59

@TooManyAnimals94

Another thread got me thinking about the aspects of life that we either expose or protect our children from. Why, as a society, are we so keen to sanitise birth, death and sex? Is there an argument for exposing children to all three and making it a normal part of life. For example, I think people who replace dead pets with lookalikes or tell children 'Lucky went to live on a farm ' are so in the wrong. Especially the second one...surely it raises more questions than it answers and offers no opportunity for closure. Another one that springs to mind is a friend of mine who owns a stud and breeds dogs. All of his kids understand from a very young age what sex is and where babies come from. I only became a parent recently but I like to think I will try and be as open and honest about the tough subjects when my DD is small in the hope she'll find it easier to talk to me as she grows up. Am I very naive? Is there a good case for protecting children from unpleasant things?

I find your post rather sweetly naive . These things are not the difficult things that most adults and children struggle with.

They are things like

Human trafficking
The drugs trade
Child sexual abuse
Child neglect
Porn culture
Domestic abuse
Rape and sexual assault
The prevalence of sexual harassment
Mass child abduction
Then number of women killed by men
War
Hostage taking
Poverty
Addiction
Cancer
Death of a child
Suicide

I really hope for your sake @TooManyAnimals94 that telling your children that their hamster has died is the hardest thing you have to do in their childhood.

JassyRadlett · 03/02/2022 09:08

I’m always in awe of these relatively uninwuisitive four year olds who are so easily fobbed off. Never had that success with either of mine.

Told them how it happened when asked in very simple terms. They didn’t need to know, they wanted to, and there was no good reason outside of adult squeamishness for them not to know how these things happen when they wanted to know, and it helps them to make sense of some other things, such as why some body parts are private.

JassyRadlett · 03/02/2022 09:09

Uninquisitive. Need more coffee.

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/02/2022 09:21

@toppkatz

"Pas devant les enfants" was a saying that was bandied about a lot in years gone by, wasn't it?

Sometimes I think we really should protect children's innocence, not from the facts of life and death, but from potentially distressing information that they're not really old enough to handle. Like a terminally ill relative, for instance. Time enough to tell them when the person dies, they don't need to be exposed to conversations between adults for months beforehand.

I’m not sure. I lost two relatives to cancer as a child. One we continued to visit to the end and new he was poorly. The other slowly withdrew from us as she became more obviously ill and asked for no children to visit at hospital.

The second death was much harder to deal with and I remember being so confused at why I couldn’t go see her. Then she was just gone.

Monopolyiscrap · 03/02/2022 09:59

@JassyRadlett Yep, special cuddle wouldn't do it for my DD either. She wanted details. When a friend of hers repeated to her the special cuddle story, she was also afraid to hug anyone as she was worried she would have a baby. I had to give details.
I would have had an easier time with my DD if I could have gotten away with vague information. Every single thing led to many many questions.

Blackopal · 03/02/2022 10:04

Yes my daughter was not satisfied with daddy's seed answers. She was very much 'but how does it get there?'
I told her at 6 about PIV as she couldn't understand what I was talking about without details.
She was fine although my friend thought it was shocking and that it might make my six year old try it

Monopolyiscrap · 03/02/2022 10:08

Of course, it won't make you're 6 year old try it.

RedRobyn2021 · 03/02/2022 10:16

A lazy contribution from me but just to say I agree with you and feel the same way. But I am also a fairly new parent. My mother was always honest with me about these kinds of things, so I have always felt this is the best way to be.

JassyRadlett · 03/02/2022 10:16

@Monopolyiscrap

Of course, it won't make you're 6 year old try it.

I think it’s quite the opposite, it’s the whispered half-understood playground chat that’s more likely to lead to problems. If given a good explanation of how it works, that it’s for grown ups, and a little bit of age appropriate consent chat (only when both people want to do it and they’re grown ups, etc, in line with broader chat around respecting other people’s bodies and not touching/hugging if they don’t want it) why would a kid go ‘better try it out’.

Monopolyiscrap · 03/02/2022 10:19

@JassyRadlett I agree. I know my elderly mum was raped as a young teenager partly because she didn't really understand what was happening.

RedRobyn2021 · 03/02/2022 10:20

@Blackopal

Yes my daughter was not satisfied with daddy's seed answers. She was very much 'but how does it get there?' I told her at 6 about PIV as she couldn't understand what I was talking about without details. She was fine although my friend thought it was shocking and that it might make my six year old try it

Your friend sounds ridiculous 😂 this really made me laugh

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