Page 4 | What do you wish you'd been told pre kids?

ExhaustedMumma · 03/02/2022 21:51

Also that colic means your baby will lose their shit for hours on end for reasons that will remain a mystery. Those first 12 weeks with my first born, who screamed for 5 hours a night until she fell asleep were traumatic. Before I had her I was all “babies cry, it’ll be fine” but it literally triggered panic and anxiety deep in my gut that something was terribly wrong, I didn’t know what, I couldn’t fix it and the overwhelming fear that I was at fault for the distress left me feeling awful.

Also, that sleep deprivation doesn’t just make you tired. It can make you really, really angry. I had so much anger inside and I thought it was because I was just a horrible person and a terrible parent. I didn’t realise that sleep deprivation can do that to you.

reluctantbrit · 03/02/2022 22:05

That you better stop working when they are at primary school because the school expect you to drop everything at a short notice, attend countless events and are prepared for dress up days on end.

I could have employed a PA just for DD's 7 years at primary school.

That other mums lie about everything, be it sleep, weaning/food, school performance and behaviour.

On a serious note - that PND can hit you even months after birth and can screw up your mental health forever.

LittleMissPerfect28 · 03/02/2022 22:10

That the newborn stage is the hardest thing you will EVER do in your life.

I feel if I was actually told this though I wouldn't have believed it, if I did believe it I wouldn't have had a baby!!

Adatwistscientist · 04/02/2022 07:07

I know technically babysitters are a thing. But how on earth do you find one that you would feel happy employing for the odd night out? My family live hours away. DH and I both work full time out of town, we can't hang around the school run as we have to get back for work, so we don't know any other families for 'swaps'. We've asked around and been advised to 'find a local teenager' which seems unwise and don't even know how we'd do this. Childcare apps have childminders but no one wants '5 hours on 23rd Feb and then another 4 hours in mid May'. If you don't have family and friends in the area and you aren't willing to leave your DC with someone they've never met and you have no idea who they really are then babysitters aren't actually a thing.

superplumb · 04/02/2022 09:16

Worrying. When little worrying about illness, school, friends, bullies, schoolwork...then as they get older I now also worry about their job security housing costs even my grandkids. My children are 6 and 8! Can you tell I worry!

Pyriah · 04/02/2022 09:40

Adatwistscientist I have the same problem. I’m not just going to trust a random ‘local teenager’ with my child and my home. Childminders won’t consider just doing the occasional night out once a month, they want a bigger commitment and they probably don’t want to work Saturday nights either. We don’t know any other families locally because we just drop at school and run to work. No family members locally who would be willing to babysit. I don’t see who we could safely leave our child with?

Phineyj · 04/02/2022 21:51

We use Sitters.com - it's not THAT hard to find a trustworthy babysitter!

Adatwistscientist · 04/02/2022 21:55

So you just go on and pick a random person? I just don't think I could relax. I find it hard enough to find a good electrician!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/02/2022 21:57

Not to bother with the father. Its so much easier bringing up a child on your own.

Japanesejazz · 04/02/2022 22:05

The fear you have regarding the dangers your child will encounter when becoming mobile fade to nothing when they pass their driving test and become truly mobile
They are 21 and 28 now
To be honest you never stop worrying
Well I haven’t
But why would I
They are irreplaceable

cafedesreves · 04/02/2022 22:17

How, when your mental health is rock bottom post birth and you think you are going to damage your baby and shouldn't be there any more, one day you will have days full of laughter and fun and love and it honestly won't last forever

GeodesicDome · 04/02/2022 22:20

You’re having a person. Not a baby.

This is so important.

You're creating a whole new human being. A person just like you who will have to grow, work, suffer and die.

Don't do it lightly. And if you're sad, lonely, inadequate or impoverished, think very hard before you do it at all.

shangelawasrobbed · 04/02/2022 22:20

@onemouseplace

That they'd turn into teenagers.

And that when they talk about a baby feeding every 2/3 hours that doesn't mean a quick 5 minute feed and then they go straight back to sleep. No - it means they feed for however, long, you then try and settle them back to sleep and are probably just dropping back off yourself when they wake for the next feed.

This. My little one is 8 weeks old (but was 6 weeks premature so only 2 weeks past due date) and takes over an hour to breastfeed, often longer.

Icecreamandapplepie · 04/02/2022 22:25

That it was OK to not enjoy the first 4 years, and that all of them would get easier and I would eventually enjoy them, so very very much, and having kids is (eventually) pretty awesome

sjxoxo · 04/02/2022 22:27

As has been previously said by many- how unbelievably hard breastfeeding is, physically but also mentally draining.
Three weeks in & im still in pain, feel like I’m failing, tired & cannot believe my nipples are still attached ti my body. X

Aworldofmyown · 04/02/2022 22:31

That, not everyone experiences that instant rush of love people gush about.

SpikeySmooth · 04/02/2022 22:32

Not RTFT. Have we covered the first poo you have after an EMCS? Bloody awful.
The cost.
The feeling you aren't doing a good enough job to make them feel emotionally secure.
The stress.
The fact EVERYTHING revolves around them. Even having a cup of tea, reading a book is a challenge.
That play can be repetitive and dull.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2022 22:35

Yes I didn't know that pushing was like pooing. I wish I'd known there can be a resting phase at the end of labour too. I just wanted it to be over so I was exhausting myself trying to push (wrong!) Oh well, it was ok in the end anyway.

But further in advance but I think I wish I'd known how to really evaluate whether someone would be a good dad and a supportive coparent. However it doesn't seem to matter even if you have figured this out because nobody wants to know in advance anyway and people get offended if you suggest they even think about it I'm sure I must have been exactly the same, it wasn't something I worried about whereas it really should have been.

I wish I'd known that it would have been totally possible for me to save up for a house deposit. I assumed it wasn't and therefore didn't worry about crippling my earning capacity, but that's not really a parenting thing it's just a me being young and very naive kind of thing.

Aworldofmyown · 04/02/2022 22:35

@Pyriah could you set up a babysitting circle? With other nursery/school parents. Our village has one, you gain credits babysitting and then use them when you want to go out.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 04/02/2022 22:37

No one told me that 17 year olds have encyclopaedic knowledge of the world and are never ever ever ever wrong. even when they are talking absolute claptrap

God I wish I was 17 again 😂

0blio · 04/02/2022 22:53

@ExhaustedMumma

That you really should look deeply at your own childhood, and make peace with how it was. Otherwise you risk repeating the worst bits and being triggered by your own DCs behaviour. Wow, I did not expect the complexity of emotions that would come to the fore.

Also, that after years of infertility and miscarriages, the baby is not the ‘fix’ and all the pain and sadness and trauma will remain as part of you, even with the happy ending you’d hoped for. It still needs an outlet and to be acknowledged, but parenting after loss/infertility can be a weird place between worlds.

Such wise words.

Wolveryeti · 04/02/2022 22:54

That your life as you know it is over - no lie ins, free time or grown up socialising. Sex life down the toilet. Oh and you will have huge additional costs while being less able to work productively due to additional childcare and housework responsibilities. Yay.

ExhaustedMumma · 05/02/2022 06:54

@Wolveryeti

That your life as you know it is over - no lie ins, free time or grown up socialising. Sex life down the toilet. Oh and you will have huge additional costs while being less able to work productively due to additional childcare and housework responsibilities. Yay.

I am feeling this so much today.

Luckystar1 · 05/02/2022 07:17

I with almost everything, particularly how motherhood makes you reflect on your own childhood. I had to go to counselling when I had my DC to try and reconcile my own relationship (or lack of!) with my own parents. It’s very, very hard.

What I will say though, is that my children bring me joy and happiness every day. Even on the really shit days, something lovely will happen.

My tip would be to not talk to your other half at night. It’s not the time. Decide on a night time strategy before bed and stick to it. Any sort of half asleep chat is never really going to be productive!!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/02/2022 07:48

@breakdown19

I was chatting about this today with a friend and were saying how little ante natal classes prepared us. Eg no one told me giving birth vaginally that actually you poo the baby out, at least that is how it felt to me.

I remember reading that the actual birth felt like doing a gigantic poo after you’d been constipated for a month.

What do you wish you'd been told pre kids?

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