What do you wish you'd been told pre kids?

[breakdown19]

I was chatting about this today with a friend and were saying how little ante natal classes prepared us.
Eg no one told me giving birth vaginally that actually you poo the baby out, at least that is how it felt to me.

The effect having a baby has on your relationship; it’s like a bomb being dropped on you from a great height and things will never be the same again, you have to learn how to accommodate your new addition and your navigate your relationship.

Breastfeeding is really fucking hard. If it doesn’t work out you aren’t a failure.

You can’t spoil a baby with cuddles.

That the first two or three winters are full of illness and colds for everyone in the household.

Get your finances, administration, work that needs doing on the house etc etc sorted out before you give birth.

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

Everyone bangs on about the smell of new babies. I asked my midwife if my baby was defective as her smell was so vile. Turns out that was the smell everyone means. Thankfully she grew out of that and then smelt perfectly nice.

Oh no! This made me laugh.

I couldn't smell a thing - I thought I was missing out, turns out... Maybe not 😂

That some children hate other people looking after them. My children have been awful. They don't like me to leave their side. My eldest wasn't too bad, the second wouldn't even tolerate my mum and the third is the same. I honestly get zero time alone unless I have an appointment or I go for a run (neither of those things happens often).

Also that they ruin every fucking thing you get/do. I've just brought home a cake for my youngest first birthday tomorrow and the oldest came in and broke a bitnoff and ate it! He's nearly 14 ffs. I was just after warning the destroyer 8 year old not to touch it, and the oldest walks in and does it!

That not everyone feels an instant rush of love for their baby.
That although Jane at baby group looks amazing and says her baby sleeps all the time, she too is probably crying into a cold cup of tea at 3 in the morning.
That however earth mother you think you are it is fine that they watch tv and eat monster munch.
That letting them grow up is hard, really hard especially when they get to be teenagers.
That you will see much more poo, wee, sick than you ever thought possible.

I feel like I was very well prepared for the practical stuff but not the emotional side.

Also I wish people hadn't told me it got easier. Dc are 8 and 10 and still hard work!

I wish I had been told about silent reflux. I thought I had hurt Dc1 as he would not stop crying at all. No clue, and neither did any of the so called professionals. Along with feeding can be fraught with problems for some. Breast might be best but that’s as far as any advice, support and help went.

Thet I’d be fertile early thirties but not by mid thirties :(

Only take on board what is relevant to you, every family is different.
As long as you have a healthy baby it doesn’t matter how they came into the world or how you feed them , how you sleep train (or don’t)

That you wont get your life back for about 20 years. Its not a good deal

How amazing kids can be. I wasn’t fussed about having kids but would probably have had them younger (and maybe three rather than two!) if I’d known how amazing they can be.

@onemouseplace

That they'd turn into teenagers.

And that when they talk about a baby feeding every 2/3 hours that doesn't mean a quick 5 minute feed and then they go straight back to sleep. No - it means they feed for however, long, you then try and settle them back to sleep and are probably just dropping back off yourself when they wake for the next feed.

This has just brought back a memory - when I was pregnant with dc1 (now at secondary) someone gave me the Gina Ford book. I remember reading the routines and thinking "but why would you wait 40 minutes between feeding then changing the baby's nappy?" hadn't realised she was allowing 40 minutes for a feed and that was optimistic! Foolishly mentioned this to another friend who already had dcs. She gently pointed out that I might not follow that routine, but that is a pretty good list of what needs doing in a day and how long each thing would take, even if wanted to be more flexible about the order.

You think it will be like a National Trust advert all holding hands and kicking leaves 🍁 it won’t.
There will be a bit of that and moments of perfect happiness but mostly it’s hard in every way and you do need to put them first for at least 18 years probably for ever really.
The older years are still full of sleepless nights with worries and troubles popping up. There will be all manner of things you desperately search mumsnet for help on as there is no one else to ask.
Thank you mumsnet for 15 years of advice so far.

That you need to buy a house in catchment for the good schools before they reach school age!!

That no matter how equal things were in your marriage beforehand, if your partner's a man then when a baby comes out of you all that equality goes out of the window and you'll have to fight to get it back. And you'd better hope you picked a man who is fighting with you and not against you.

@Thatsplentyjack

That some children hate other people looking after them. My children have been awful. They don't like me to leave their side. My eldest wasn't too bad, the second wouldn't even tolerate my mum and the third is the same. I honestly get zero time alone unless I have an appointment or I go for a run (neither of those things happens often).

Leave them with your mum they will get used to it. You matter aswell

That even when they are six, that they have the ability to break you.

DDs behaviour was awful yesterday. I put her to bed, kissed her goodnight and then cried for 20 minutes.

How much I would hurt and ache for weeks after giving birth. That I could burst blood vessels from pushing!

That unlike on MN, not all GP are fighting over seeing their GC regularly, let alone have them for tea on a Friday or God forbid ever have a sleepover.
That the cost of childcare as a substitute to plug the gap and used to get back to work early and keep working, will cost you over £50k over the years.
That this £50k or more, in the long run, will actually be worth every penny.
That despite all this, by their late teens you'll realise that your DC have thrived and having them was the very best decision you ever made.

You might not feel an immediate rush of love and euphoria, and that's okay. Sometimes the bond takes a while to develop.

The baby blues are rough, but if they are really, really rough it may be the start of postnatal depression or anxiety. Reach out to someone and get assessed even if it's early on. My PND hit within 24 hours of birth.

Intrusive thoughts are much more common than people talk about and are a symptom of postnatal depression and anxiety. You can be a great Mum and have these scary thoughts which can be about harming your little one but not intend to act on them at all. It sounds daunting, but letting someone know is the first step to treating them.

That I didn't have to have children.
That it didn't all happen by 'magic'. If I'd learnt a bit more about life first I
a) probably wouldn't have bothered, or
b) would have done a better job and enjoyed it more.

I love them all, deeply; but I probably shouldn't have had them.

That said, they do seem to be fairly decent human beings, who knew how to watch a film in the cinema without talking all over it (see Bill Hicks) and we're all still friends, so I guess I didn't do too bad a job!

Should have said - they're all grown up now :)

That you can have a birth plan but the baby may have their own totally different plan