Would you allow your teenager a day off school for no real reason you can fathom?

[PicklePied]

He's not a school refuser and has relatively decent attendance at 99%. He's doing ok, bit lazy, doesn't like doing homework but no issues

He's sent me a message asking if he could please have a day off tomorrow. Says he's got a lot on his mind and would appreciate a day to decompress and feel better. I suspect this is more to do with his (online, in France) girlfriend who's been having some issues but he won't admit to that one

He doesn't have mental health issues and he's happy as Larry usually - but I'm torn

My husband says don't set a precedent, send him to school and tell him it's a no. I'm softer and he's not asked me before and I'm keen to keep his mental health robust

So - what would you do?

I think you made the right choice op.
He’s come to you, been honest and communicated what is happening. He’s otherwise good at going to school.

He sounds like a angel of a teen.

Definitely would say yes. He’s telling you he’s suffering and that he thinks that will help so why would you refuse?

Having had mental health issues with my second child, yes, I would let them have a quiet decompression day.

I do this with all my children. Sometimes they need it. And it's good he's asked rather than just not gone in and you find out later.

In this instance I’d say No, he can go online with for the evening after school. I’m a massive softy but this sounds off and I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging him to put an online friend he’s never even met before his schoolwork.

Has him ‘not applying himself’ tied in with him getting caught in this girl’s problems? Does he speak to her via video so you know she definitely exists?

A boy of 15 doesn’t need to be involved with someone in a another country who he’s never met and has MH issues to the extent that he feels he needs to take a day off school to ‘support’ her. It sounds like a lot of drama and responsibility.

I’d be shutting this down pronto!

OP now that I have read your update, I do have some concerns as I work in safeguarding. There's a couple of red flags in the story for me

1. You are not happy with him talking to her- biggest red flag- you know it is not quite right. Parents are often the best at knowing deep down when something isn't right
2. He has never met her - have you seen her on a facetime etc?
3. He's having the day off to 'support' her yet she hasn't asked him to and won't know
4. He's just had a weekend to decompress

I would be thinking the following things (professionally)

1. He is at best over invested and is a dramatic teen who has just pulled this out an excuse when actually he just wants a day off
2. Why does he want a day off ? Is something happening at school?

Does he have something he needs to go and do as someone has asked him to?

1. Are you going to be with him all day? Can you know that he only stays at home?

I would advise that you do what a PP said and make him have a no tech day- and watch his response carefully. He will of course be a dramatic teenager and insist he needs it all for school work/to relax etc
Check if he gets angry or scared or too upset about not being able to be online chatting or messaging etc If you can, spend the whole day with him. I would be professionally thinking there could be more to this- it would be something I would investigate if I overhead one of my young people saying it.

I'd definitely say yes.

Not in this situation, no. I don't think it's a good idea for people to become so invested in relationships that they can't focus on other things.

I would, it’s one day, sounds like he was struggling to ask you, why would that be? I would be trying to get to the bottom of his concerns, not easy with DS’ I know my two are 20 and nearly 19. Good luck OP, I hope you DS is feeling better soon.

I honestly think if the ops teenager was a girl and they wanted a day off because their boyfriend was having a hard time, the responses would be very different.

Even if he gets overwhelmed today with girls problems, that's still a good thing, even an especially good thing, because it opens up conversation about boundaries, putting yourself first, how we can help/where we can't help, what doesn't serve us, this kind of thing.
It's good for him to learn these lessons.

All being well today, relationship with mum is strengthened, he can turn to mum, trust mum.
If something comes up in the future, as it's likely to, mum can help him make kind, loving, difficult and appropriate decisions.

It has been agreed, no more days off for this/one off.

It's too late to go back and the friendship not to exist.
It's not wise to cut the friendship, this will negatively affect the relationship with mum (as a minimum) who is currently in a position of trust, and could lead to son feeling forced into making silly decisions.

As has been mentioned up thread, the parent who gave their teen the ultimate say so over their illness/attendance , usually they will make good decisions if given the freedom to do that (in context of reasonably healthy upbringing).