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Original poster

Would you allow your teenager a day off school for no real reason you can fathom?

110 replies

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:02

He's not a school refuser and has relatively decent attendance at 99%. He's doing ok, bit lazy, doesn't like doing homework but no issues

He's sent me a message asking if he could please have a day off tomorrow. Says he's got a lot on his mind and would appreciate a day to decompress and feel better. I suspect this is more to do with his (online, in France) girlfriend who's been having some issues but he won't admit to that one

He doesn't have mental health issues and he's happy as Larry usually - but I'm torn

My husband says don't set a precedent, send him to school and tell him it's a no. I'm softer and he's not asked me before and I'm keen to keep his mental health robust

So - what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:34

@crochetmonkey74 yes I can understand that. And it seems to be a bit of a thing. He's soft and he's kind hearted. Always has been. And he will spend a long time trying to 'bring her up'

In an ideal world I'd be saying the friendship ends and that's that. But I can't do that with a 15 year old

OP posts:
JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 22:35

I think you should let him. It's all good and well saying you'll support them if they're honest etc but then you can't use their honesty to turn it back on them.

I would (after tomorrow) talk to him about being wary of taking too much of his girlfriends stress on himself. Though I have to say a couple of my boyfriends around that age were fabulous & I still think about them.

ParkheadParadise · 30/01/2022 22:35

It's a No from me.
I remember Dd1 getting sent to school with a broken arm 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ she was not amused.

KEG05 · 30/01/2022 22:37

I’d allow it. Especially if he isn’t off all the time it sounds to me that he’s identified things are a bit too much atm and he needs that space. It’s really a good skill to have to know when you need a time out. Obviously it might be different if he was off all the time and his attendance was poor he would need to look at other coping mechanisms. But a one off duvet day can be really good for your soul if your feeling a bit burnt out.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2022 22:38

It would be a no from me..

My reason.. girl has problems not ds..

He spends the day supporting her no help to his mh.

My ds had a mh day but all tech was banned so he could relax
.

Question10 · 30/01/2022 22:38

@PicklePied sounds really familiar. I agree with the teacher above and would gently send him to school. I would be supportive of him and have a discussion about the pressures on him taking on someone else’s mental load. I think he needs to have boundaries and missing school would be one of these in my opinion. But I do understand it must be so tough!

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:38

I've said yes. But I've told him that this is a one off, that I'm 'rewarding' (wrong word) his honesty with me, and that I don't care if her head drops off next week, it'll be an absolute no to a day off.

He has steroid dependant asthma and has been wheezing all weekend and has had to up his blue inhaler so this is what I will say to the school - it's true (but he would usually go in as he just uses his inhaler more)

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 30/01/2022 22:39

Definitely agree that he shouldn't give her up but I think it's useful to learn boundaries now. He wouldnt be able to take days off to support a partners mental health in a job later on (unless an emergency etc) I think perspective is useful here. She needs his support but that doesnt mean he abandons his priorities, he can support as well as having his own life

BelleEnderman · 30/01/2022 22:40

I would say no - because he should not be taking on so much responsibility for 'supporting' someone else that he has to miss school. He's still a child.

Maybe have a conversation about what supporting his gf could entail instead of missing school and his boundaries?

BonnesVacances · 30/01/2022 22:40

We allow one duvet day a year, when DS can take a day off school for no reason. Sometimes we all need to do it.

YeahThankYou · 30/01/2022 22:41

I would allow it, especially as he trusts you to tell you the truth. I don’t think you are being a softie. You are basing your decision on your knowledge of him and your history together.

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:42

We have talked about boundaries and I think we will revisit this conversation. He shouldn't be soaking up her problems although I admire him wanting to help

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 30/01/2022 22:42

Sounds very unhealthy with the online friend. Too much for a 15 year old to carry.

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:43

@YeahThankYou yes that's true. And he's a very nice boy - although I'm biased. He's just trickier than my eldest - had none of this stuff with her

OP posts:
NadjaofAntipaxos · 30/01/2022 22:43

I'm a bit worried here that his girlfriend's issues are now affecting him to such an extent it could impact on his school attendance. This level of dependency and pressure on him is not healthy. He isn't responsible for her mental health. I think this concern would be the crux of the conversation with him. The day off school is a bit of a red herring. The intensity of her neediness putting him in a position like this is the big worry.

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:44

@Scarydinosaurs I keep an eye on the messages and he talks to me too. He doesn't have access to devices overnight and I can hear him when he's talking to her

I don't like it much. But to ban it wouldn't work. So I manage it by encouraging him to chat with me if he wants to run anything past me

Teenagers are trickier than ever these days

OP posts:
NameChangesforNoman · 30/01/2022 22:44

Yea, in a heartbeat. If only to show how much you value him sharing stuff with you (albeit limited).

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:45

@NadjaofAntipaxos that's spot on and sums up my feelings. And that's going to be the basis of our conversation in a day or two I think

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 30/01/2022 22:45

No no no.

As a parent it's your job to teach him to be responsible and apply himself. This sends a message that its OK to be flaky and take time off when you feel like it. Plus the French girlfriend day off thing is ridiculous. So he's going to stay in and chat online. That's no good for anyone's mental health.

Today's teens are fluent in the lexicon of mental health issues. Don't get suckered in by it. And it's an absolute joke that he says "I want to be honest" then tells you he wants the day off for no reason and you think "well I should reward honesty because he could have lied and said he felt ill or something". He's playing you for a fool!

I want a day off for no reason!!! We all do. We don't cave into it because otherwise we could be out of a job and struggling to pay bills.

Original poster
PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:46

To be clear though - she hasn't asked this of him. And he won't tell her he's taking a day off just to support her

OP posts:
Lightupmynorthernsky · 30/01/2022 22:46

I’d say No, it’s not to help his mental health and at 15yrs old he shouldn’t be taking time off to remotely support someone else. If it was for him then I’d say yes and would have taken him for lunch or another treat (I’m not totally heartless! Smile

Fruitellaa · 30/01/2022 22:47

Well that’s good! I thought you meant you’re all in France and obv you know your son best! Smile

The more you explain, the more I would say no. I’ve been in something like the girlfriend’s position in my childhood/teens and had the subsequent mental health problems in adulthood. The last thing she probably needs is to start creating a dependency on a boy who can’t really be there for her. Can you (via him) encourage her to open up to some safe adults who can actually support her? I don’t think this warrants a day off school for your son and in his interests I’d encourage him to learn where his limits are.

If it’s that he needs time to process all this (away from her) that’s different and I’d say okay to that.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 22:48

Yes, I would and I have.

ldontWanna · 30/01/2022 22:48

I see you already said yes. I wouldn't have allowed it, not because attendance or school or him turning into a lazy git. Because it's not his job to support this girl. He is not equipped or trained to do it, and takes on too much of it already. It's too much responsibility and pressure on a kid, and that really worries me.

He can't fix her,he can't fix her life or her problems. What happens when he doesn't have any more to give? What happens when he "fails"?

In the nicest way possible, kind souls get broken often in the attempt to fix somebody else. So I would do a lot of work and talking to him to understand that this is not his cross to bear, and be there to listen and help when it becomes too much.

FabulouslyFab · 30/01/2022 22:52

I allowed my children - now all responsible hard working adults with good jobs - a duvet day once every half term when they were teenagers. It gave them a bit of control over their lives.