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Original poster

Would you allow your teenager a day off school for no real reason you can fathom?

110 replies

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:02

He's not a school refuser and has relatively decent attendance at 99%. He's doing ok, bit lazy, doesn't like doing homework but no issues

He's sent me a message asking if he could please have a day off tomorrow. Says he's got a lot on his mind and would appreciate a day to decompress and feel better. I suspect this is more to do with his (online, in France) girlfriend who's been having some issues but he won't admit to that one

He doesn't have mental health issues and he's happy as Larry usually - but I'm torn

My husband says don't set a precedent, send him to school and tell him it's a no. I'm softer and he's not asked me before and I'm keen to keep his mental health robust

So - what would you do?

OP posts:

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 22:11

Get him to come and talk to you.

If he's got to 15 and this is the first time he's done this, then I'd be tempted to let him, if I felt inclined to when we were talking.

It's good he's being honest with you. He could have just pulled a sickie.

Bending the rules very occasionally is fine, and it shows your DS you're on his side.

Make it clear it's just one day, and it's a one off, and go for it I reckon. He'll remember he can come to you when he needs you to back him up.

Comedycook · 30/01/2022 22:13

No I wouldn't allow this. My ds didn't want to go to school on the last day of term before the Christmas hols...no reason other than some of his friends weren't going in. He also wanted a day off a couple of weeks ago because they were doing an activity he wasn't keen on. I just won't entertain the idea. If school is open and you're well, you go in. It's not optional. However with my ds, I know if I allowed it just once, he'd be requesting days off more frequently.

Original poster

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:13

He's just come down and said 'I want to be honest with you and Xxx is having a bad time at the moment and I wanted to be there for her tomorrow to support her (she's off school on an inset type day - in France)

I mean - it's just mad isn't it? I'm usually decisive and if it ally just say a big fat no but I encourage him to be honest and I encourage him that he can say anything he likes to me and I'll always consider it IF he is always honest

So this is why I get for having that policy

OP posts:

SusannaQueen · 30/01/2022 22:13

If he's got to 15 and not asked before, I'd let him, although I would emphasise that it's a one off.
My DD is contentious, but occasionally got into a tizz with having too much on, I occasionally let her have a day off on the promise that she would use it to catch up, it really seemed to help her. She did very well in her GCSEs and the irony was she missed months and months due to Covid, but still did well, despite her school being hopeless online, those few 'mental health days' were nothing in the scheme of things, but meant a lot to her.

waterrat · 30/01/2022 22:17

I would. We all need a bit if breathing space.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 30/01/2022 22:17

@PicklePied

So this is why I get for having that policy

I'd ask what kind of bad time she's having, and what kind of support he plans to give her.

Ask what he'll do if he starts feeling pressured to take more days off school to support her.

Ask what else he can do to support her.

None of this is set in stone. You're doing really well - you have a son who feels like he can be honest with you. It's OK to say yes or no, although better if you talk it through with him and ideally come to a joint conclusion.

Parenting is a challenge but you sound like you're doing it right.

SusannaQueen · 30/01/2022 22:17

I've just read your update and tbh if my DD said the same, I'd still let her have the day off. It's important to him, he's been honest with you and you've obviously brought up a decent young man who has good instincts in wanting to support someone close to him.
I would just reiterate that it can't be a regular thing and he is too young to take on too much responsibility for his friend, but it is good that he wants to be supportive.

valadon68 · 30/01/2022 22:18

How will his mental health stay robust if he doesn't build up the confidence to keep on facing the world in times of stress? Surely letting him stay off will just reinforce the message that he can't cope (when actually he'd be fine!). Otoh, learning to juggle commitments will make him more self-assured and ready to take on the world.
Plus, hasn't he just had two days to decompress? And doesn't he live rent free and probably without most of the stresses adults have to deal with?

SusannaQueen · 30/01/2022 22:18

And yes to everything ZZ has said above.

Original poster

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:20

@valadon68 he does indeed love rent free and is not encumbered by adult stuff

This is because he's ... 15

OP posts:

valadon68 · 30/01/2022 22:20

Sorry scratch that, hadn't read your update! PP have given good advice - but my vote still goes to no, as it won't stand him in good stead for when he has life clashes in the future

Cleanbedlinen12 · 30/01/2022 22:20

I would. Everyone needs a duvet day and if he’s worried about something he’s not going to be concentrating anyway. Plus he asked and didn’t just bunk off, which is very adult and deserves respect I feel.

picklemewalnuts · 30/01/2022 22:22

I've a different perspective. This is the age I started saying to my (lovely, sensible) dc ' Only you can decide if you need the day off. You know how up to date you are with your work, what you'll miss, and how you feel. Only you can decide if you are better staying home and recovering, or pushing through'.

He'd sag, and head off to school. He'd happily try and convince me he was ill and blag a day, but there was no challenge to convincing himself!

Original poster

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:22

@SusannaQueen @ZZTopGuitarSolo

Thanks for your comments.

I'm veering towards allowing it. I've asked what will happen if he feels he wants to support his friend in a weeks time or whatever. He says he knows this is a one off and I'm trusting him to not to mess me around

Of course, he's a teenager. He'll say any old shit to get round me of course! I'm not that daft

But he HAS been honest and that's important to me

OP posts:

SusannaQueen · 30/01/2022 22:22

My DD is contentious

*Conscientious 😅

Newbabynewhouse · 30/01/2022 22:24

I would allow him a day off.. sometimes people just need a break to reset... he also asked you which is very respectful

Fruitellaa · 30/01/2022 22:27

I’d allow the odd day off it was my son going through something himself. Would be inclined to say no so far, but my next question would be ‘what sort of bad time?’ - in case he’s got her pregnant or something that he should be supporting her with. We can’t fix everything for other people and maybe it’s a good chance for him to learn that?

Mo1911 · 30/01/2022 22:28

I wouldn't hesitate. If he needs a day off then he's asking for a reason. Trust and believe him until he proves otherwise which he probably won't.

Herewegoagain84 · 30/01/2022 22:28

I would allow it. A parent would allow a child to stay at home if they were feeling physically unwell - these days mental health is championed constantly - why is it undervalued when it comes to taking a day to look after it?

Original poster

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:29

@Fruitellaa blimey - there's no pregnancy! They're online pals more than anything - she's in another country!

He's definitely not a streetwise 15 year old. He'd like to be. He isn't

OP posts:

Thirtytimesround · 30/01/2022 22:29

If he’s never asked before and he’s asking now, I would be fine with him having a day off. I had plenty of random days off when I was at school and wanted them and I am so grateful to my parents for letting me have them. Sometimes it all gets too much and a break is needed and that may not fall conveniently on the weekend.

And before anyone says that’s awful blah blah, I got straight As in my GCSEs (no thanks to that crappy school) so what would have been the point in forcing me to go more?

Question10 · 30/01/2022 22:29

I would be wary that the girl might be putting pressure on him to be available to her. I had a friend with a teenage son whose girlfriend would expect him to call/message at all hours and would get really upset if he wasn’t there for her etc … It all got a bit much for him

Original poster

PicklePied · 30/01/2022 22:31

@Question10 yes, there's an element of this. She has self harmed, has family issues, her dad is apparently not very nice and she's got school problems

He's not equipped to deal with this really as his biggest problem is that fact his iPhone is removed at 10.30pm at night so I have to keep an eye on things and encouraging him to tell me stuff and not fear me going on off one is part of this

OP posts:

Glowtastic · 30/01/2022 22:31

I allow my DD 15 the odd day off now and again. She tries hard but gets completely overwhelmed by both the work and the social side. She's not falling behind and I trust her.

crochetmonkey74 · 30/01/2022 22:32

As a teacher I would say no but not for the school attendance issues you might think.
At our school we have noticed that some kids are getting too involved in others mental health, taking too much on themselves when it's a parent/teachers job to do so.
I would encourage him to send a message or speak on phone before school and then as a PP said he can be on another call by 4pm.

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