Have your parents discussed their funeral wishes with you?

[A580Hojas]

If they are still relatively young, would you expect them to when they get older?

My mother did. She was 86.
She also wrote down in minute details what she wanted. Everything from the hymns, music, readings to what people should wear (bright) and the booklet for the service.
It was immensely helpful when she died.

Yes. My mum's pre paid for hers and all her wishes are written in the documentation I've got for it.
She's 76 and did this a few years ago.

Thinking about it I haven't and probably won't do it for my DC (I'm in 60s) because I don't really care what they do. Though it might be helpful for DH if I die first.

Only in passing. My mum wants a church service at the place they were married followed by cremation. Dad wants to skip the church bit.

Yes. I'm only in my 40s but my kids know what I want. Dh's mum died suddenly and no-one had any idea what she would have wanted. It was very stressful and dh was very upset.

I can't recommend getting your parents to talk about their funeral wishes enough. We lost my dad last week.and my mum has dementia. It has been an utter nightmare trying to work out what she wants. A life long lover of music she couldn't remember what she likes let alone what dad liked.

Mine have. The whole family had a conversation about it one day. It sort of started as a silly "I'd like a Viking burial" type of conversation but by the end of it we all knew what each other would want, how, where. Who we would like to invite and not invite, what music we want. Do we want a wake, if so, where. We also talked about organ donation and DNRs.

It wasn't a solemn conversation at all, just a really positive, helpful conversation with a lot of laughter and teasing at other people's music or reading choices. Young and old were involved - after all we never know if we are going to be hit by a bus do we?

My mum has, she's 64 and like FredBairs mum she's given very detailed instruction as to the hymns etc.

I've told my kids to do the cheapest option available to them - I'm not going to be there or aware of what happens so don't really care and I don't see the point in wasting money on a fancy coffin that's just going to be shoved in a fire.

My mum has, my Dad died in October and she said she was going to organise hers after Christmas after seeing it was yet another thing I had to sort for her and Dad (not that I minded).
She's now changed her mind about going to the funeral directors for the meantime, but I know she wants a wicker coffin and straight to the crematorium with no service at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss @countrygirl99

Yes. They're only in their 60s but my dad had a stroke a few years back and it just mum a kick start into sorting things out and telling everyone about their wishes and inheritance. Hopefully we don't need it for a good while yet but it's comforting to know what they want.

I think written instructions is a great idea.

Very sorry for your loss countrygirl .

I can't imagine talking to my children about my funeral. My only instructions will be 1. cremation and 2. the music. The rest will be up to them, I don't want to impose my will from beyond the grave!

My parents are early 70s. They’ve had their funerals paid for and planned (down to hymn selection) for years. I think that they knew what it was like to have to plan their parents funerals and they didn’t want their own children to go through that.

My mum (in her mid 70s) has pre paid her funeral, arranged the whole service and what she wants to happen. It is quite nice knowing we won't have to guess what she would have wanted (she is very religious and we are not).

Yes, both my parents did. Right down to the music they want.
So did parents-in-law. DH and his siblings hate talking about it, so they told me.

Mum did. It was very useful. We also knew her views on organ donation. It is much more helpful for those who will likely be dealing with it to know - even if it is that, you don't care, it's up to them. It will be easier if that has been openly stated.

My dad did. He's very religious and his children aren't. He wanted to make sure he got the service he wanted! I sat at his computer and typed the order of service and the words to the hymns etc while he was sitting beside me. It brought him comfort but I know it was also so that we wouldn't have the worry of wondering what he'd want.

No, my dm didn’t. It was very much a taboo subject and as such when she died I had to decide everything myself.
I have my own wishes in my death folder

Yes. They're in their 70s, but have been talking about it (not all the time, of course) ever since their own parents died 10-20 years ago. Just as well, because neither of them want what would have been my go to option!

No I can't say it has even come up in conversation

Both my DPs (mid 70s) still alive and well so it's possible they have discussed it with each other

I honestly couldn't care less about my own funeral. It makes more sense in my mind for those still alive to choose what they want. I will be dead in a box at my own funeral so why would I care what people wear or do?

My MIL left details on an envelope when she knew she was dying. It was really helpful knowing we could plan what she wanted.

My DF didn't have any plans but my DM did, right down to who not to tell until after the funeral!

DH and I know of each others wishes.

My dad died first. Twenty yrs ago. My mum had no idea as they had never spoken of it! It was so stressful.

We had the convo with mum about 10 yrs ago, she prepaid with local funeral director and all her wishes were set out in writing - hymns, flowers, headstone epitaph, wording of the announcement; she died in Spring 2021, it was so much simpler to ring and say oh bugger she's died here's the details, over to you Mr Undertaker.

Don't just say to your kids I don't care cos I won't be there - save them the awful effort in the throes of grief. Let this be your final act of love. Please.

@A580Hojas

I think written instructions is a great idea.

Very sorry for your loss countrygirl .

I can't imagine talking to my children about my funeral. My only instructions will be 1. cremation and 2. the music. The rest will be up to them, I don't want to impose my will from beyond the grave!

I've mentioned in passing to my DC that i'd like my ashes scattering on a mountainside in a distant country. It's somewhere i've always wanted to visit but haven't made it yet. I think they're hoping i'll get to visit there before I die and that i'll then change my mind!

My parents died within months and I found it really soothing and helped my grieving to do what I felt was right for them in the absence of their details. I feel I did right by them and feel at peace.

I have consequently said to my DC that it is entirely their call in the hope they have the same sense of closure.

From the point of view of a funeral arranger -

OP you don't have to talk to your kids about it. Go and see your local funeral director and take out a pre-paid plan. You can list all your wishes - whether you want cremation or burial, what music you want, whether you want people to visit you in the chapel of rest etc etc. Not only will you save your kids the worry of sorting it when they're emotional and upset, you'll do away with the worry of how they'll pay for it. Funerals aren't cheap, but when you purchase a plan the funeral directors fees are fixed at point of sale, so if you live another 20 years, you'll still pay today's prices. You can also contribute towards third party fees such as crematorium, minister, orders of service etc etc. Just make sure you let your kids know you have a plan in place, and where to find the paperwork. Even better, share it with them. We all have to die sometime, and we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Better to do so when we're healthy, then it doesn't seem so morbid.