Have your parents discussed their funeral wishes with you?

[A580Hojas]

If they are still relatively young, would you expect them to when they get older?

My mum has told me her wishes but my dad is next level. As a catholic he absolutely loves death/wakes/funerals so he has found & biked a celebrant, planned the entire service & pre paid for his wake. He has a series of CDs (used to be mix tapes) that he periodically updates. He is absolutely up for his own funeral.

Yep my mum has and it's in the 'notebook'

My mum didn't, other than to regularly say she wanted to be cremated, not buried. And she sadly died at 58. As her only child and she had no partner, it left all the planning to me (3 months before my wedding) but luckily my fiancé was really helpful with everything.

It has made determined to ensure my daughters know my wishes, even if they are written down and kept somewhere safe for when the time comes

Yes. My grandad died in 2018 without any sort of provision in place and it was a nightmare. Shortly after that my mum drew up a spreadsheet containing details of finances, policies, wills, funeral arrangements right down to music and outfits. She sent it to me in an email and I haven't opened it but I'm sure I'll be glad of it when the time comes.

DH's maternal grandparents and mum all passed away within a year and none of them had wills. The headache for probate and shuffling the estates around by date of death was awful, it went on for (literally) years.

My dad is 61 and my mum is 57 so hopefully I won't be opening that email for many years.

I sent DC a word document setting everything out, including links to music etc. And then said if they want to do something different, they can! I did it before I was 50. I'm divorced, so it's just my DC who will have to make arrangements. No other family.

The rest will be up to them, I don't want to impose my will from beyond the grave!
I wonder whether people see it as imposing their will or relieving them of making a lot of choices or decisions?
It was the latter for me. There was no detail not covered in Mum's funeral book . She was an extrovert andhad a huge circle of friends, even still at 86. It wasn't quite the glorious send off it should have been because of covid though.

When we took DC to a different family funeral in their late teens they were a bit horrified at the religious element. I reassured them it wasn't compulsory and we wouldn't want it. I now know in no uncertain terms there won't be any religion involved in mine or DH's funeral.

Not specifically but I'm well aware of their views and opinions on funerals generally and share them.

@AgathaMystery

My mum has told me her wishes but my dad is next level. As a catholic he absolutely loves death/wakes/funerals so he has found & biked a celebrant, planned the entire service & pre paid for his wake. He has a series of CDs (used to be mix tapes) that he periodically updates. He is absolutely up for his own funeral.

Sorry, but that did make me chuckle

My mum planned her venue (well it was her own church), hymns, prayers, and cremation and where she wanted a rose bush placed in the cemetery. She also had a list of invitees contact details, which she kept updated by adding people and crossing off others as they died. We picked the actual rose bush and any music that wasn't religious. It was really helpful.

My dad's only instructions were to put him out with the bins. He died in the early days of covid and it ended up being a direct cremation which my mother would never had contemplated had it not being for the pandemic. I think it was actually close to what he would have wanted. My mother still doesn't want to discuss what she wants despite everything we went through with dad.

I bought her and me copies of "I'm dead, now what?" so that we could both write our wishes in our respective copies. Doing mine as well seemed to motivate her to do it and she hasn't shared it with me but I know where it's kept. It's particularly useful for listing who you want to be told and who to invite to any kind of wake. When she was going through the address book after dad died I did point out that I wouldn't have a clue whether someone in the address book was a childhood friend or the plumber, so knowing who to tell was really important.

My mum died 20 years ago aged 69. She had not planned anything. My Dad was the same age and just organised everything. Two years later he moved to Spain. He took out a repatriation and funeral plan with an undertaker near me. He died suddenly from a heart attack aged 80 in Spain. I was glad he had made all the arrangement in advance.
My DH died aged 56. He had told us verbally what he wanted for his funeral. I was 48 and just followed his instructions.
I myself have a prepaid funeral plan and have done my will. I am in the process of creating an advance decision document regarding what I would like with regard to end of life care. This is because my exH died recently and being there at the end with him helped me realise that I wish to decide what I would like (or not) at the end. I already have lasting power of attorney for financial affairs and health/welfare.

my parents have just redone their wills, given us all copies and it includes where to find everything and their funeral plans, which are prepaid plans with a particular company.

They haven't told us any details that they want apart from that.

They are both 80

My parents had both made a will, stated about their preference for cremation or burial, but nothing about the funeral service. Whereas two other members of the family had gone into some detail about their funeral and even years before had asked particular people to read the bible reading, for example.

My mum did. We spoke about it hypothetically over the years but after we lost a family friend suddenly a few years back (and the funeral arrangements caused all manner of arguments and disagreements within the immediate family) my mum wrote a funeral plan and kept it in the back of her diary. She must have transferred it each year.

Came in handy when she died very suddenly and unexpectedly 16 months ago.

Although we'd have done pretty much what she had asked for anyway.

Mum wasn't big on funerals and was very much a "toast me on my birthday and Christmas" kind of woman. This was echoed in her funeral plan.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but to me it seems weirdly controlling to specify the readings at a funeral. Surely that is up to the mourners? Asking for particular readings seems a tad narc to me, what if the reader doesn't really agree with the sentiment.

Funerals are about saying goodbye and rememberance but I'm not sure the deceased should (should in the loosest term of the word) decide who is going to remember what.

Music - fine, that is very personal.

My dad had chosen his music & everything for his funeral, my mum has written down what she wants as well & put aside the money to pay for it as well.

yes, it was a bit difficult as we had just got into lockdown and didn't know how things would pan out

was just told a couple of things only and I said what we might do in different cases of lockdown etc, one option was a direct funeral if the rule of 4 was still in place.

I carried out the couple of wishes he wanted, we were intact allowed 15 people inside and there were about 12 people outside with the doors open

Only in the sense that whenever she goes into hospital or away on holiday her parting words are "Pull the plug, and remember I want to be buried in Balgriffin cemetery." I am in charge of both these things.

I’m not so bothered about the funeral. I think funerals are for the living, so I’m happy for it to be their decision to organise what helps them. In my mid 60s though, am aware that I need to get all my financial info and documents collected in one, easily understood folder as sorting that side out after a death can be a nightmare. We used to laugh at my mum, who from her mid 40s, every time she went on a flight, would show us where all her financials were…in case the plane crashed!… now I’m thinking of doing the same!!

Mine are in their 70s and have paid for their funerals already. Apparently it's a total no frills cremation that none of us can attend. 🤔

No. But mum sorted out POA for us and we've got copies of her will.

She probably just wants a no frills funeral, woodland burial or something. I should check really.

@A580Hojas

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but to me it seems weirdly controlling to specify the readings at a funeral. Surely that is up to the mourners? Asking for particular readings seems a tad narc to me, what if the reader doesn't really agree with the sentiment.

Funerals are about saying goodbye and rememberance but I'm not sure the deceased should (should in the loosest term of the word) decide who is going to remember what.

Music - fine, that is very personal.

It's my funeral. I don't want false sentiment mawkishness, a vicar pontificating about me ( an atheist)......I've paid for it and so I decide what happens. Everyone knows what my wishes are and agree they'd rather have my money in their bank accounts than spent on flowers, hearses and a headstone

My dh wasn’t that impressed when I said where I wanted to be buried/ashes scattered.

Don’t see why it’s controlling to choose your own readings. It takes the stress of your relatives in deciding what to choose, plus means you get to decide how you like to be remembered. Your sentiments are being expressed.

My dh went to a funeral a couple of years ago where they played ‘ You’ll never walk alone’. Dm said she always wanted this at her own funeral. Apart from watching the FA cup final, she’s not a football fan, and didn’t link it to the musical it comes from either. Something about how she said it made me think that dementia was setting in.

@AuntieMarys - have you dictated what readings people should give?

Yes my mom has told me that she doesn't want a funeral, she is looking into companies that cremate people and send the ashes back to the family. She wants us to save our money and have a nice meal out instead. Its not my cup of tea but I have to respect her wishes. Also I've made her tell other people so that no one thinks I just couldnt be arsed to give her a send off.