Have your parents discussed their funeral wishes with you?

[A580Hojas]

If they are still relatively young, would you expect them to when they get older?

Oh I'll leave instructions for sure, I just won't force them to talk to me about it if they don't want to.

my mother got a bee in her bonnet about being a nuisance and us having to organise a funeral, and being so old that no one will be left to come or able to make it (she is a very active and able 80+) and signed herself up and paid for the Pure Cremation...basically seems to me it's a click and collect sort of funeral...someone will collect her, cremate and deliver the ashes.
I think I am the delivery point as when she mentioned it to my brother he said it was a scam, and of course she is now determined to prove him wrong!

Both of my very elderly parents died last year within 3 months of each other. Apart from being cremated they wouldn’t discuss anything.
Both were cremated and we decided the music etc. There was a non denominational celebrant and service for dad (he didn’t go anywhere near a church and I cannot ever remember him listening to music), mum was more religious so choosing hymns was easier.
I have made my wishes very clear and am shortly getting my will redone. I am hoping my body will go to medical research but I will also look at setting up a pre-paid plan or a cremation that will not have anyone present. I want my family to have a lovely meal instead. My DH and DCs are aware of this and in full agreement.
I’m not religious and I don’t believe in the ‘afterlife’.

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow

my mother got a bee in her bonnet about being a nuisance and us having to organise a funeral, and being so old that no one will be left to come or able to make it (she is a very active and able 80+) and signed herself up and paid for the Pure Cremation...basically seems to me it's a click and collect sort of funeral...someone will collect her, cremate and deliver the ashes. I think I am the delivery point as when she mentioned it to my brother he said it was a scam, and of course she is now determined to prove him wrong!

Click & Collect cremation sounds perfect to me!

When my MIL died she left no instructions and it was incredibly stressful and caused a lot of tension between DH and his siblings. Down to did she want to be buried or cremated, what music, flowers etc there were so many silly arguments and still to this day they can't decide where to scatter her ashes so they're still in a box at my BILs!

As a consequence DH and I have at least shared that we want to be cremated and where we'd like our ashes scattering.

My mum has, she didn't want a fuss, so has paid for a direct cremation.
I'm not sure what my dad wants though.

@freelions

No I can't say it has even come up in conversation

Both my DPs (mid 70s) still alive and well so it's possible they have discussed it with each other

I honestly couldn't care less about my own funeral. It makes more sense in my mind for those still alive to choose what they want. I will be dead in a box at my own funeral so why would I care what people wear or do?

I would disagree with this, it’s a difficult and stressful enough time without having to make decisions like this.

Yes both myself my hubby and my mum have our wishes written down, songs verses type of burial everything, we write it on the back page of our yearly diary's. My first husband died when he was 35 and I had no idea what he wanted, my dad died at 52 and I didn't know what he wanted either. It just makes sense to try and ease the pain if loved ones, if you're organised enough you can even pay for your funeral beforehand like my granny did.

Yes, both have prepaid funerals.
Me and DH have made our wishes known in our wills. Everything from organ donation to cremation. I am not fussed what sort of ceremony I have as long as it doesn’t involve religion, DH who is a god botherer has decided on hymns, readings and invitees.

My Mum died a few years ago and just said she wanted to be cremated and where her ashes were to go.

My Dad died a couple of weeks ago and said in his will where he wanted to be cremated but I haven’t found more than that. We’re taking a hymn that was sung at my Grandmother’s funeral, one that randomly came into my head in the middle of the night that I have worked out what it is and a piece from a funeral he went to recently to walk out to.

I’m writing it all down now as it has been quite hard knowing exactly what to do.

I had to make my dad talk to me about it (he cried, I cried) but I was so glad I had that conversation when he died the 1st day of lockdown and knew he was quite happy with no funeral at all (we'd discussed having a very small one, but he'd expressed a horror of loads of people who never bothered with mum turning up), and then doing the same for mum a month later.
DH had to force his dad to discuss it with DHs mum the week before she died as he knew nothing at all as to what she wanted and they had both been in such deep denial. That was awful.
I've written mine down and it is in my file with birth cert etc etc

MiL died young, recently. It’s been an absolute shit show.
No plans for anything, I.e no will, no idea of funeral preferences etc. it has led to far too many cooks in the kitchen trying to give ‘advice’. The funeral wasn’t what my husband or his siblings wanted.

My father died a few years back, had never really discussed it so we just generally winged it in accordance with his general approach to things.

My mother has discussed in outline what she wants, although not down to the details. She's narrowing down (and, I hope) writing down her music choices having accepted that if we played everything she's said over the years she wants to have played at her funeral we'd need to book the place out for a solid couple of days.

Yes all the time, she is only 51

No. It's written on a piece of paper in her jewellery box, and has been since I was 12. I'm now 40, and she is 80.

I'm 61 and my direct cremation directions are written down ...my dcs and husband all know my intentions. Direct cremation ( already paid for), no service, they know where to scatter my ashes and they can have a gathering for me if they want. Everyone happy with that .

Not really. I do know what sort of songs they want and that they want to be cremated.

Yes.

My mum has always been DNR. She formalised it about 10 years ago with documents etc.

I know people have issues about DNR’s but it’s incredibly important to know she doesn’t want extreme measures- chest compressions, shocks etc if it ever came to it.

She’s completely fit and well btw. DNR does not mean do not treat, just ever if her heard stopped she doesn’t want beating up to get her going again.

My parents have pre-paid for a burial plot, and specified church and flowers. This at least gives us a frame work. They haven't even got update wills, however, I have promised whatever happens we will look after their little dogs.

FiL prepaid and wrote in detail what he wanted, I can't begin to tell you how helpful this was. He had told Sil and DP where his envelope was- he had put together copies of all his documentation- will, banking, shares etc and specified everything.

When FiL passed away, and it was clear how helpful what he had done was- SiL pushed MiL to do the same. She now has quite advanced dementia, and we at least have all her wishes already.

Yes. She’s very matter of fact about it, which makes things a lot easier. She wants one of those direct cremations with no service and the money for it is sat in our savings account.

She told me years ago that she wanted her ashes scattered off Tower Bridge and I’m fairly sure I won’t be allowed to do this, so DH and I have realised we’re going to have to reenact that scene from the Great Escape where they get rid of the soil down their trouser legs while we walk back and forth over the bridge, while checking which direction the wind is blowing, so we can lay her to rest in instalments. She thinks this is incredibly funny.

Yes. My mum is early 70s and in good health. She has prepaid her funeral, gave me instructions on where all her documents are and money is. Wrote her will and POA. And has started cleaning out her house in advance so I don’t have too much to do when she dies. She doesn’t think she’ll die anytime soon but wants to be ready. I’m immensely grateful and think it’s the kindest thing she can do for us all.

No. Generally a taboo subject unfortunately. DF died 3 years ago, my sister and I made most of the funeral arrangements, and had to guess what my 90 year old DM would want for him.

DM was sure she would live forever. Didn't want to know her cancer diagnosis last year, died 3 weeks later and I was unable to talk to her about it during that time. I respect that was how she wanted to deal with it but it was hard on me as the sibling who looked after her most.

My father went a paid his and DM funeral and plan them. He has also create a folder with all his key financial information.

My parents had pre paid plans, when they passed away it was simply a matter of following the wishes they'd laid out already. It made such a huge difference to me not to have to do the whole thing from scratch when my brain wasn't really functioning properly.

My parents have always been very open about things like this. Even when we were children, we always knew who our guardians would be and what would happen to us, if anything were to happen to them. My parents are both (fortunately) very healthy, but a few years ago they set up POAs and rewrote their wills to include the DGC, my mum has a list of who she is leaving her various bits of jewellery to etc. We have discussed funerals a couple of times for all of us not just my parents. Both my DSis and I really appreciate their openness and matter of fact approach to it.