If you don't work, what are your reasons for living? What do you strive for?

[Turnitupto11]

Just that really. If you don't work and I guess don't bring up children, what do you make your purpose in life? Do you aim for something? What gives your life meaning?

I'm unable to work due to poor health. I'm currently taking a course because it interests me but I'm unsure if I can use it careerwise in the future, due to said ill health.

I'm doing very little with my life apart from that. I don't have the financial means or good health to travel. I read a lot of fiction. I guess I'm looking for something to make my life meaningful. Something to aim towards or a "raison d'etre". My mental health is poor and I thought maybe I need a goal or something.

I'm interested to hear what other people do, what you do that makes your existence worthwhile if you don't work or bring up children.

Sorry if I've phrased this badly, struggling to get across what I mean. I definitely don't want to offend anybody.

Could you commit to making a phone call to a lonely older person once or twice a week - we have a scheme in my town. I now meet my buddy once a month for coffee too but we were matched during lockdown one. Volunteering doesn't have to mean in person

Telephone befriending is really worthwhile, I take library books to a lady who can’t get out of her house and she tells me how much she enjoys her chats with her telephone friend.
Postcrossing is fun to do - you send postcards to strangers around the world and get ones back.

Firstly I think working and raising children are two very different things, and only one can truly be classed as purposeful. Some people I guess so think that their work has purpose but when they leave they are long forgotten and replaced. So what else is there that adds meaning if you don’t have children? Well we each find meaning in different things, it can be big or small, but as long as it’s something that improves is, challenges us, helps us grow it’s all good. Like hiking, running, consuming literature, volunteering, learning new skills etc. Find your groove in terms of what feels good and makes your soul happy. It’s as simple as that. For me, it’s my kids at the very very top but I also love to challenge myself physically like marathons, or getting fitter at the gym, travelling, climbing mountains, investing and giving my time to charity work.

How about tackling a small issue in your local neighborhood had improving it. My friend in a similar situation to you tided up and put in a tree and flowers into a small grot spot near our house. She did it over a year (about 5 years ago). It looks 100 times nicer now and is lasting improvement that she made happen. She got funding from the local housing association charity to help with bits. But litter picking it something can make a big difference.

Another one saying thankyou for starting this thread op!

Bloody good idea. I'm in a similar position.

It's great to hear from others. We can help each other on here, just by getting ideas, inspiration and understanding the difficulty of being unwell, disabled, out of work, a carer etc.

I'll definitely be back xx

I've struggled with this a lot over the years, feeling useless/worthless about it. Recently I've been feeling a lot better about it, I've tried doing some free online courses to keep my mind ticking over type thing, lots of reading and trying out some new hobbies, I discovered I hate crocheting with a burning passion

@FrecklesMalone

How about tackling a small issue in your local neighborhood had improving it. My friend in a similar situation to you tided up and put in a tree and flowers into a small grot spot near our house. She did it over a year (about 5 years ago). It looks 100 times nicer now and is lasting improvement that she made happen. She got funding from the local housing association charity to help with bits. But litter picking it something can make a big difference.

Ah I wish I could do this. In my small seaside town there are some rundown shops, closed with their signs falling off the wall. The place would look much better if they were cleaned up or brightened up with a coat of paint, the windows cleaned and somehow filled or disguised, the signs repaired or removed, but I'm physically not capable of doing the work and don't have the financial resources, not do I imagine the council would allow it.

Firstly I think working and raising children are two very different things, and only one can truly be classed as purposeful.

I disagree. Some work clearly isn't particularly purposeful, but it depends on what you do. Personally, I find a great deal of meaning and purpose in my work, which makes a tangible difference to some of the most vulnerable people in our society. It matters. Yes, of course I am replaceable, as is every other member of staff, but that doesn't mean that what we do isn't hugely important, that the work doesn't have a lasting impact or that we don't find it immensely fulfilling.

It seems odd that you talk about finding purpose in things that improve us, challenge us and help us grow, and yet you don't seem willing to acknowledge that work provides exactly those opportunities for many of us. And yes, for many of us, doing work that we consider valuable absolutely makes our "soul feel happy".

I don't think work or raising children is essential in order to live a happy and purposeful life, but it's absurd to suggest that work cannot be truly purposeful. For me, my job will be the biggest source of comfort when my dd leaves to go to university in a couple of years, because I know it will give me the sense of purpose and meaning that my own mum lacked when I left home years ago myself.

@TulipsGarden

If you're physically able, could you try gardening? It's nearly time for sowing seeds - order a couple of packets you like best and grow them on your kitchen windowsill. The (incredibly naff but true) cliche is that to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow. And there are huge mental health benefits, if you enjoy it.

I'm hoping to do this, but my window sills are full of indoor plants and I need to tackle an invasion of fungus gnats before I plant anything.

@needmoreshinys

I am disabled, my long term goal is to get back into work if possible, however for the short term, one of my things has been to find a really lack of knowledge in myself, at the moment its Geography. When lockdown 1 started I started to learn all the countries in the world and try and place them on a map.

I then learn something about each country I cant name , I have discovered so much, costs nothing.

I also live in fear of the benefit trap, volunteering could massively help me, but if I start volunteering they would use that as a reason not to pay benefits. So now I have to get myself ready to jump back into the work force

The benefit trap is a huge problem, I'm in the same position unfortunately. I can't risk my only current source of income so will have to look into this.

It sounds like volunteering would be difficult for you from a physical point of view as well as the risk of affecting benefits so maybe you'd be better off considering your own personal happiness. After all volunteering to make other people happy is the same thing really and you are the only person who's happiness is under your control. Personally having done a large amount of volunteering over the years on many different things it didn't work for me to find purpose or fulfillment. Mostly it was drudgery, waiting round, wasting time and resources, repeating things that don't work just because they've always been done like that, struggling for funding and seeing things you've worked hard on get cut off half way through. I've become very disillusioned with it and actually feel most charities actually make no improvement at all and waste a lot of time and money. Work out what you really love doing and do more of that. I found going back to what I loved as a child before all the expectations of being good, and that a good useful person is one who works hard. You can just be. Meditation helps me the most and you can do that lying on a bed or in a chair (or the bath which is my preference).

@LemonLimelight

It sounds like volunteering would be difficult for you from a physical point of view as well as the risk of affecting benefits so maybe you'd be better off considering your own personal happiness. After all volunteering to make other people happy is the same thing really and you are the only person who's happiness is under your control. Personally having done a large amount of volunteering over the years on many different things it didn't work for me to find purpose or fulfillment. Mostly it was drudgery, waiting round, wasting time and resources, repeating things that don't work just because they've always been done like that, struggling for funding and seeing things you've worked hard on get cut off half way through. I've become very disillusioned with it and actually feel most charities actually make no improvement at all and waste a lot of time and money. Work out what you really love doing and do more of that. I found going back to what I loved as a child before all the expectations of being good, and that a good useful person is one who works hard. You can just be. Meditation helps me the most and you can do that lying on a bed or in a chair (or the bath which is my preference).

Thank you @LemonLimelight , that's an interesting idea. To a certain extent I do that, as I've always loved reading. Can I ask what sort of thing from your childhood you've incorporated into your life now? I'm struggling to think of things from my childhood at the moment, but will give it some thought.

Just adding that there are some online volunteering opportunities, e.g. doing social media posts for charities or transcribing old written records into text for museums.

I also love reading and was told off as a child for 'wasting the day' in a book, like the modern evils of screen time, so make sure I do plenty of it now. The way I see it with each book I'm travelling to a new world. We experience the whole world through our minds anyway so to me an imagined experience is just as valid as a physical experience. Giving yourself permission is a big part of being happy. Reading because you enjoy it is all you need. Then if you want you can build on it into bookclubs/wider reading/connecting with like-minded readers/writing/book festivals etc. but you don't have to. I have also gone back to my childhood love of nature and messing about in the mud looking at bugs and birds by pottering about in the garden, looking at things and rambling about in the countryside, planting silly things like acorns, with no particular purpose other than enjoyment. I like feeling part of nature that gives me a feeling of purpose.

@LemonLimelight

I also love reading and was told off as a child for 'wasting the day' in a book, like the modern evils of screen time, so make sure I do plenty of it now. The way I see it with each book I'm travelling to a new world. We experience the whole world through our minds anyway so to me an imagined experience is just as valid as a physical experience. Giving yourself permission is a big part of being happy. Reading because you enjoy it is all you need. Then if you want you can build on it into bookclubs/wider reading/connecting with like-minded readers/writing/book festivals etc. but you don't have to. I have also gone back to my childhood love of nature and messing about in the mud looking at bugs and birds by pottering about in the garden, looking at things and rambling about in the countryside, planting silly things like acorns, with no particular purpose other than enjoyment. I like feeling part of nature that gives me a feeling of purpose.

Thanks for your reply. I am trying to do that, to enjoy reading, to not feel guilty for not doing something more useful. I'm not a big fan of mud. I do love animals though, always have done. I have a cat but would love more pets, however have to take finance into consideration. Much as I'd live an older dog for example that doesn't need much exercise, dogs are difficult to come by now and expensive and I'd also have to take vet costs into consideration with an older pet.

I would love to volunteer, but due to my ill health can be very unreliable and would hate to let someone vulnerable down

SO many volunteering opportunities that you can do in your own time. Also that don't work with people who are necessarily vulnerable.

I wouldn't have a problem volunteering online but don't know how to find the vacancies

Knitting or crocheting blankets for Ethiopia, clothes for the local maternity hospital, toys for the police to give to to children who get caught up, toys for the Christmas boxes. - there is no pressure to 'be available' at any time or to give more time than you are able.

Telephone befriending for example with [[https://www.mha.org.uk/communities/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIusa10ZHD9QIVlu3tCh3SPw2IEAAYAiAAEgKmmPD_BwE MHA]] but I'm sure there are all sorts of other organisations that do it. It isn't traumatic circumstances, it is just chatting with people who might not be able to get out much and who feel a bit lonely. I expect Age Concern do similar.

Voluneteer reading on line, such as here

Talking newspapers for the blind here

It really only takes a quick google.

Or what about offering to be treasurer for any one of hundreds of local community groups - Scouts, Guides, a sports Team, a playgroup, etc etc....... you can do the work for an hour when you are having a good day. No need to be at a particular place on any day. Or so many groups are looking for people who would apply for grants for them - something else you can do in your own time, when you are feeling well, and doesn't need you to be anywhere at any particular time.

Or our Local Hospice is very welcoming of all sorts of volunteers - yes, people who fundraise, but also gardeners, and people who man reception and people who make cups of tea. All sorts of jobs you'd never think of - it might be worth having a chat with their volunteer co-ordinators to see if they can use people who can't commit weekly.

@Kite22 thank you, some great suggestions there, I'll have a look.

I know during the first lockdown our council had volunteers calling isolated people just for a chat. I wonder if theres anything like that you could volunteer for.

@thesunwillout

Another one saying thankyou for starting this thread op!

Bloody good idea. I'm in a similar position.

It's great to hear from others. We can help each other on here, just by getting ideas, inspiration and understanding the difficulty of being unwell, disabled, out of work, a carer etc.

I'll definitely be back xx

I'm glad you're finding the thread helpful too. There's some great suggestions on here

This might sound pretty vapid, but it genuinely brings me happiness. I make myself, and the things around me, "pretty"

I still have a busy life. I have toddler twins. But they weren't planned. Big age gap between them and our eldest, so where I was thinking of an easy life, and not "child dependent" mum in 4yrs, with their arrival, I'm now 16yrs from that.

I used to model, successfully for years, although it started to tail off about 5yrs ago, and fell pregnant with DTwins 3yrs ago, so I've gone from quite glam and exciting, to lockdown with two nappy wearers. And it's been tough.

I got pretty down, with the groundhog day of it all. And the realisation that the career I'd been so happy in, felt like it had been yanked out from under my feet before I'd had the chance to take a breath.

I know my situation isn't identical to yours, but it is in the same way that my life as I knew it, has gone, and it all just felt a bit directionless.

So, I started thinking quite practically. Ok, I'm sort of stuck in the house, with two tinies, me,myself and I. How do I make that better?

I've been selling existing furniture and replacing with some gorgeous finds on eBay. Changing the rugs. Putting up new mirrors and paintings. Just making where I am, and what I look at, a "happy place."

I've sorted out my wardrobe. Made an effort not to slouch around in hobo-esque attire. Booked in with a good dentist.

Again, it's not my raison d'etre, but it makes me smile each day. It's not a ground breaking achievement or accomplishment...but...does everything always have to be? For now, this works. In five years time, maybe I'll have turned my attention to something else. Maybe not. And that's ok.

How about becoming a telephone befriender for the elderly? I don’t know much about it other than you call them daily for a chat so it’s something you can do from home

One of my inspirations in life is a 95 year old lady that I know. She had a very hard childhood and wasn't brought up by her parents, so she has no extended family. She lost her husband young, and her only child died from cancer as a young adult. She has been without any family for the last 40 years. I first met her when she was in her late seventies, and she spent most of her time volunteering in the community.

Her health is now declining somewhat and she needs a carer to come in and assist with the housework. She can't do all of the volunteering that she did previously, but even at 95, she remains active in helping others in her community. For example, she visits a blind man every other day to help him with basic everyday tasks. She is also very active in an organisation that supports education in a developing country. I love the fact that she maintains these interests still. She is so upbeat and cheerful, despite all the losses that she has experienced.

I knew another elderly lady when I was growing up. I remember chatting to her when she was around 80 and she had decided that it was finally time to get to grips with her phobia of maths so she was going off on some residential maths course. My mind was totally blown.

I think the key thing, OP, is not to focus on what is lacking from your life or on the things that you cannot do, but to focus on the stuff that you can do, whether it's for yourself or for other people. What do you really enjoy? What do you want to learn? How could you help someone? What one thing could you do today that would make you feel like you had done something worthwhile?

Work is not my purpose or reason for living.

I worked as a teacher for over 25 years then my health deteriorated badly. Now I am a foster carer and the child I care for is at school. I drive child to school, rest during the day then use energy conserved to collect from school, take to activities and cook evening meal for. DH does a lot, breakfast for child, all laundry. I read, watch TV, chat on phone to sisters and do a few house chores I can do easily like clean DC shoes, clean the silver, dusting and sit to peel veg. Fuss my cats. I also meet a friend for lunch once a week. Occasionally have a meal out with my adult son. I am better in warmer weather and can walk a bit then too.