If you don't work, what are your reasons for living? What do you strive for?

[Turnitupto11]

Just that really. If you don't work and I guess don't bring up children, what do you make your purpose in life? Do you aim for something? What gives your life meaning?

I'm unable to work due to poor health. I'm currently taking a course because it interests me but I'm unsure if I can use it careerwise in the future, due to said ill health.

I'm doing very little with my life apart from that. I don't have the financial means or good health to travel. I read a lot of fiction. I guess I'm looking for something to make my life meaningful. Something to aim towards or a "raison d'etre". My mental health is poor and I thought maybe I need a goal or something.

I'm interested to hear what other people do, what you do that makes your existence worthwhile if you don't work or bring up children.

Sorry if I've phrased this badly, struggling to get across what I mean. I definitely don't want to offend anybody.

I'm older so I don't have any big things to do like work, marrying or raising a family, all that is in the past. My purposes are 1) to be useful to the people close to me and 2) to tidy my life ready for death - 'Swedish Death Cleaning'. Alongside that I try to enjoy every moment and notice when I'm happy. About five or six years ago I began to heal from severe depression (curled up in a ball in bed for two years or more, can't work out how long exactly) and needed some kind of life, I followed 'Begin With Yes' (there are books and online stuff) and tried anything that caught my attention. Saying 'yes' to everything can lead you into unexpected situations.

I would love to volunteer, but due to my ill health can be very unreliable and would hate to let someone vulnerable down. But I should look into what roles are available and will do so.

Approach the volunteering managers of organisations that deal with your condition or situation and ask them if they have anything flexible to suit your fluctuating capacity, maybe? Charities and supper groups are usually keen to be inclusive of their own.

I just want to say how much I empathise. I'm in a very similar position. It's clear I'll never work again. I've had offers for several Uni degrees which I wish I hadn't applied for as rejecting them was awful. But I just couldn't attend campus.
I have an online Bachelor of Arts they're waiting for me to accept but the instability of my conditions is making me terrified. Academic year starts end of Feb where I am so I don't have long to decide. And I don't know which is worse: accepting that life's effectively over for me, or trying and quickly having to drop out as the disappointment would be crushing. There's simply no stability with my conditions. I'm up, down ,all over the place.
I used to feel I could leap tall buildings. Now I'm a shadow of that brave, capable woman..
Sorry, that was incredibly whiny. I just mean I know what it's like to be scared of having zero purpose or ability. I do wish you well. You sound brave and kind.

While things like painting and travel can fill some gaps, my observation has been that they don't really fill the big ones - which revolve around finding meaning in life, beyond just ourselves. Most of the time the things that give people that kind of meaning focus on relationships and responsibilities.

It's hard when you are prevented by circumstances doing things in a regular way like a volunteer position, but I really do think that there are roles for everyone, just reaching out to those around us. I get a lot of meaning working in my garden, not just as an aethetic activity but as part of a responsibility to care for the environment and also contribute toward feeding my family. While an allotment might be too much, a community garden where you could come in and out as you feel able might be possible. Or something similar. My church does a soup kitchen, and there are some people who just come as they are able, mainly to connect with and chat with the people who come for a meal, and it's much appreciated. There could be similar roles in youth centered organizations.

@Yummypumpkin

You matter. You as you. You enjoying a bath or cup of tea, you reading a book, you posting your thoughts on here.

You are precious and pursuing your own happiness in small ways is actually something older generations understood much better.

You smiling at a stranger in the street. You texting a friend in a rough spot sympathetically.

You rising early to see the sun come up. You staying up late to watch an asteroid shower.

You laughing at A TV show. You taking in a neighbour's parcel.

Your life's purpose is very full.

Xx

Completely agree with this. You don't need to do anything to have purpose. You already have value.

I've had a rough time mental health wise over the last few years. I have a demanding job. A mother with severe dementia, a dad not coping but refusing external help etc.

I do though have a dog, and she's my saving grace. Not all days, some days when the weather is rubbish, it's hard. On some days though, like yesterday, the sun was shining and we WENT OUT FOR A WALK, and it was bloody brilliant, went to a local park and had a walk around, was teeming with other folk doing the same, some sat on benches passing the time of day with others, other dog walkers. Joggers etc it really was food for the soul.

Get out and about, sit on a park bench, smile at people passing by, guarantee you will make someone's day just by being friendly to them and passing the time of day with them.

@Weatherwax13

I just want to say how much I empathise. I'm in a very similar position. It's clear I'll never work again. I've had offers for several Uni degrees which I wish I hadn't applied for as rejecting them was awful. But I just couldn't attend campus. I have an online Bachelor of Arts they're waiting for me to accept but the instability of my conditions is making me terrified. Academic year starts end of Feb where I am so I don't have long to decide. And I don't know which is worse: accepting that life's effectively over for me, or trying and quickly having to drop out as the disappointment would be crushing. There's simply no stability with my conditions. I'm up, down ,all over the place. I used to feel I could leap tall buildings. Now I'm a shadow of that brave, capable woman.. Sorry, that was incredibly whiny. I just mean I know what it's like to be scared of having zero purpose or ability. I do wish you well. You sound brave and kind.

Thank you for your post. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. It's so hard isn't it? I couldn't commit to a degree etc either, but am taking short free courses online so that I feel like I'm doing something.

@SantaClawsServiette

While things like painting and travel can fill some gaps, my observation has been that they don't really fill the big ones - which revolve around finding meaning in life, beyond just ourselves. Most of the time the things that give people that kind of meaning focus on relationships and responsibilities.

It's hard when you are prevented by circumstances doing things in a regular way like a volunteer position, but I really do think that there are roles for everyone, just reaching out to those around us. I get a lot of meaning working in my garden, not just as an aethetic activity but as part of a responsibility to care for the environment and also contribute toward feeding my family. While an allotment might be too much, a community garden where you could come in and out as you feel able might be possible. Or something similar. My church does a soup kitchen, and there are some people who just come as they are able, mainly to connect with and chat with the people who come for a meal, and it's much appreciated. There could be similar roles in youth centered organizations.

Thank you, that's an interesting thought that I'll look into, I just don't know how to find these places.

I'm in a different situation in that I don't work as I appear to be unemployable! I took redundancy three and a half years ago and have been applying for jobs since then, with no success (I'm 62 which probably has something to do with it!).

I have worked at several temp jobs, and they have sung my praises, but no-one else wants me. If I didn't have to earn money I would love to not work, and find I can fill in my days easily. I read, go for long walks and just potter, and it's bliss. I certainly never felt my job fulfilled me and always considered my "real life" started when I walked out the door.

I'm not in the UK OP but there are lots of community groups, and people looking for volunteers where I live - it's just a matter of finding them. However, I don't think you need to find a "raison d'etre" if you are happy with your life as it is - just living a good life is meaningful in my book.

Positive human contact, relationships. Once the basics are covered (food, warmth, shelter, sole measure of security), positive relations with other people are so important.

Are you close to your children? Do you have any grandchildren? Any siblings or other family that you spend time with? What about friends? I’m not saying that you have to be a total extrovert but even introverts need some human connections around them, whether that’s family, friends, like/minded souls involved in the same occupation or whatever.

As for purpose / meaning in life? That’s to get my kids into adulthood with as best prospects as possible, and then to live a good life, as best I can, whatever that means. We re born, we live, we maybe reproduce, we die: that’s about it. Just passing the time in the most pleasant way.

I've retrained so that I can do more freelance stuff in my field but from home. What can't you do due to your health? Could you work from home?

I am disabled, my long term goal is to get back into work if possible, however for the short term, one of my things has been to find a really lack of knowledge in myself, at the moment its Geography. When lockdown 1 started I started to learn all the countries in the world and try and place them on a map.

I then learn something about each country I cant name , I have discovered so much, costs nothing.

I also live in fear of the benefit trap, volunteering could massively help me, but if I start volunteering they would use that as a reason not to pay benefits. So now I have to get myself ready to jump back into the work force

@Weatherwax13 always always try, it sounds like a cliché but you do regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did. Ok you might have to drop out, but then again you might not, or if you did start to struggle they might have ways to help you, or allow you to defer so you can still complete it, just later.

For me, the important things in life and where I feel most value in myself are mostly about other people, and there are countless tiny ways you can make a difference to someone else’s day/life as others have said. There are also loads of things you can do just because you enjoy them - there’s no less value in being kind to yourself than others.

My work in itself doesn’t give my life meaning, but I enjoy being able to spend my days adulting with adults (after nearly 5 years of being a SAHM). The things that give me an inner glow are: reading in the bath, walking (listening to audiobooks - bit of a theme…), sunshine, the savage beauty of nature, learning new ideas and deepening my knowledge, craft (colouring, card-making and other papercraft), debating with people who understand I’m arguing about the ideas not attacking them. Spending time with people like me, in book clubs or writers’ groups.

My aunt is a telephone befriender.
She's 90 but very with it and can talk for England.
She has her '8 widows' whom she rings weekly and chats away to.
I think it gives my uncle a break too!

I know exactly how you feel OP. In my case, I'm very tied to the house as I'm my mother's carer. It's also no longer possible for me to have a dog and I miss that terribly.

If you knit or crochet (or want to learn) there's a group on Facebook that asks people to knit jumpers or blankets to send to dog rescues. There's no pressure to start a production line I've done hardly anything in the last couple of years. But it does mean that I can sit down for half an hour with knitting and and an audio book and feel that I'm doing something useful. If you're interested, the group's called Wool Needed for Rescues.

Some very wise words already from pp.

I have had very poor physical health since I was a teenager and I found the first lockdown very bad for mental health (as I'm sure many did!). I was furloughed (then made redundant) and couldn't visit my elderly mum or sit for my baby grandchildren. So my 3 purposes in life were removed - just like that. Due to ongoing health I couldn't just walk or garden etc. So, much empathy for you.

I've tried to find the tiny positives in every day. For example, I think about 3 things as I try to go to sleep. What have I achieved? Might be something as mundane as managing a load of washing, or a short walk, or speaking to a friend. Then, what am I grateful for? So perhaps that a sibling has visited mum, so I didn't have to worry. Then what moments of joy I found in the day. Maybe watching the sun rise, or breathing fresh air, or Skyping a grandchild. Having to focus on a moment of joy at night made me somehow more open to them during the day too.

All the best op.

You enjoy books - you could try writing. Start with a writing course - short stories etc
Learn a language - if you can’t travel it doesn’t matter - learn for the satisfaction.
I don’t know how bad your disabilities are but could you take up swimming ? Or yoga ?
Another dog - maybe a small older one that doesn’t need much walking

I do work full time, so maybe I’m not the right person to answer, but I am planning a life without children, so have often given thought to what the meaning and purpose of life is and how to fill it.

For me, it is to fill my free time with things that I enjoy and people I like to be around. A lot of my hobbies are very physical, but I also enjoy lots of solo activities in the house. I knit, crochet, sew, and play the piano. I like to try lots of new crafts too - there is a lot of information online to teach you to do new things.

There are lots of little communities of likeminded people if you wanted to meet-up online, or in person, with others. My mum has recently found herself widowed and she goes to a local cafe once a week to knit with others.

I'm not working at the moment either. I'm carer for my daughter who is disabled but I am trying to go back to work part time now that she's in school. I study part time and have said to myself that I will continue to study, all different kinds of courses, for as long as I can. I love learning and that's not something I realised until a few years ago as I really struggled in school (I suspect I am neurodiverse but don't have a diagnosis, I have also struggled with OCD and a panic disorder since I was a child). I go to a book club, I love reading, I exercise, I love doing fun things with my daughter, I have a couple of close friends and family who I meet up with. I'm also trying to arrange a camper van holiday in the summer. I love nature and being outdoors, I particularly love the West Country as I have some lovely memory's of holidays there as a child and showing my DD some amazing hidden gems as I have family that live there.

I agree that you and your life are enough. You don't have to do things to be valuable.

That said, I have a good friend who is often unwell so we can't often meet,but she is wonderful on the phone. We have great conversations. A call like that definitely has huge meaning for me, I feel very loved and valued that she will spend time with me that way.

I don't have anything to add, but I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread OP as I've found it very helpful to read. I think sometimes I get caught up in looking for meaning and analysing things, when really I should just enjoy the moment and do whatever makes me happy. Agree with the PPs that it's not my job that gives my life meaning. I hope you are comforted by all these wise replies x

Could you get involved with Amnesty or Refugee Action or some other charity online and raise awareness or organise local activities?

If you're physically able, could you try gardening? It's nearly time for sowing seeds - order a couple of packets you like best and grow them on your kitchen windowsill. The (incredibly naff but true) cliche is that to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow. And there are huge mental health benefits, if you enjoy it.

@Turnitupto11

Thanks for the replies. Some very wise words

I can't paint, I've no imagination Ann's wouldn't know where to start, plus very little space to paint on.

I would love to volunteer, but due to my ill health can be very unreliable and would hate to let someone vulnerable down. But I should look into what roles are available and will do so.

I can't walk a dog every day, but used to have one and miss her a lot. I have a cat, but he's quite self sufficient, as a lot of cats are.

Hi - have you thought about volunteering as a telephone friend? You don't have to leave your home, you are paired up with someone who would appreciate a regular telephone chat.

www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/telephone-befriender/