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Original poster

Have you ever bumped into a school bully later in life?

261 replies

IcyWinterWonderland · 14/01/2022 19:05

Has anyone bumped into a school bully later in life? like years after leaving school? How did they react when they saw you? Did they look guilty? I recently saw one of my many school bullies and as I walked past her I said "You are a vile nasty bully". She replied "I don't think so" and scuttled off quickly.

OP posts:
WhatDidISayAlan · 15/01/2022 16:42

I bumped into mine when she was a nurse on a ward I was admitted to after an operation. I told the sister that if they didn’t move me to another one I’d discharge myself. I was moved.

I was never physically bullied by either her or her two snide acolytes, but they made it their life’s mission to make sure I was alienated from everyone from the age of 6 to 16. It didn’t have as much effect in high school, as a new girl moved close to me at the start of the school holidays so we were as thick as thieves by the start of autumn term, but I didn’t have any friends at primary school, and it’s had a real lasting effect - I still have trouble dealing with rejection and I’m very introverted.

But, I do have friends and a good job and a nice life and I’m pretty confident these days. I made sure the flying monkey nurse she sent to talk to me heard all about that.

FormerlyAHoarder · 15/01/2022 16:49

@sageandbasil

I absolutely love bumping into childhood bullies. Im doing so much better than any of them
They might be happy where they're at.

I wonder if people from school look at me and just see failure! I never bullied anybody but I'm single (strong enough to leave an abuser andcstay single)and short (still short, they knew that!) with reddish hair (worse, it's now greying, it's fake auburn now) and a secure but fairly unimpressive job (which isnt stressful).

It's kind of startling to think of the lenses other people see you through.

I didnt bully her but i fell out with a childhood friend because kept on using me. I bumped in to her sister who was all pity personified, "you're a single parent? Aw.". I knew that that was going straight back to her sister. But im really proud of myself for leaving and starting again.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/01/2022 16:55

FormallyAHoarder I think we tend to measure ourselves against those who put us down... Maybe it's confidence, financial status or whatever you compare with, but it's meaning is only derived from the history of being trodden upon by them. Doesn't mean you are weighing /measuring others by whatever gauge there might be in life. It's the context.

ThunderCrow · 15/01/2022 16:56

Yes. We simply exchanged Hellos and some small talk.

By the time that had happened I'd had the chance to look back through adult eyes and see that - of the three girls responsible

1 had parents who screamed at each other every night (we'd been kinda friends before she turned on me and I'd witnessed some of this at sleepovers)

1 had divorced parents and a dad that only saw her every now and again when he could be bothered. But otherwise showed her little love really.

1 came from a chaotic home in which both parents were in/out prison at different times

I'm not saying everyone should look back on their bullies like this but - for me - as an adult I just saw them as hurting kids who'd been trying to grow up in challenging circumstances. When compared to my own home which was a warm and loving and supportive home, I ended up feeling like the lucky one. It made it easy to do do some small chat when I did bump into one.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/01/2022 16:56

P. S sounds like you've done great, I would count you as a successful human and admire the qualities you describe.

Roosk · 15/01/2022 16:57

@Snugglepumpkin, I agree that your post was deeply unpleasant and snobbish, particularly the snide remark about the coat check girl hoping for a promotion to taking drinks orders. This person may have been an unbelievable shit, but your post says more about your own sense of the low status of the people who work in these roles now than hers in your schooldays..

(I’d also wonder how it came about that someone from a wealthy background who’d been privately and expensively educated ended up checking oats…)

ifherbumwereabungalow · 15/01/2022 17:07

The chief 'mean girl' at my school, who made my life pretty miserable for the last couple of years of senior school, showed up on a reality TV show making an absolute arse of herself. When I saw her in a clip they played on Gogglebox my stomach clenched up but then, joy of joys, all my favourite Goggleboxers absolutely ripped in to her and completely took the piss! At that moment I was able to let go of so much stuff I had been storing up for years. I realise this is not an option for most people but I was lucky enough to actually see, in a few short moments, that revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.

ESGdance · 15/01/2022 17:10

I read about the girl who was a hideous and violent bully at my school in the national press not long after leaving school as she had assaulted a commuter on the tube on the way to work in the city.

SoManyTshirts · 15/01/2022 17:15

I met my workplace bully when we were both out with our children, a few weeks after his contract was abruptly terminated.

He was really surprised that I didn’t want to chat because “‘that’s just work, it doesn’t mean anything”.

FormerlyAHoarder · 15/01/2022 17:16

@TopCatsTopHat

FormallyAHoarder I think we tend to measure ourselves against those who put us down... Maybe it's confidence, financial status or whatever you compare with, but it's meaning is only derived from the history of being trodden upon by them. Doesn't mean you are weighing /measuring others by whatever gauge there might be in life. It's the context.
True, I know it's true really.

An adult ''bully'' woman who has done her absolute level best to exclude me from a group I have every right to be in, she has every measure of success that I don't have. A degree from a prestigious college, now she has a phd, she lives in a gorgeous period house, her son is clever and at a private school, she has a good job that she loves, her husband has a great job, and she has a really close relationship with her sister who is not as f*ed up as she is but obviously she hasn't cast her sister in the role of enemy so they're close. But weirdly, although I'm not competitive, I think she is competing with me for something. I don't know what. I think it baffles her that a low status person like myself doesn't know my place Confused I think she was offended that I thought we could be friends!? Obviously I know now that that's not on the cards and I wouldn't be her friend now I've seen her true colours! But she has been giving me the silent treatment for as long as I can remember, while love bombing all others around us. So I feel rightly or wrongly that she has two personalities on the go, her real awful one and the fake one she switches on for more powerful higher status people. She has everything you could imagine she'd want but she's still determined to freeze me out. I'm related to her so it's difficult. I can't really vent about her. I can't just walk away and forget about her. I have no choice but to remain in the same orbit, being ignored by her . And she's a very dominant person compared to me. I can't imagine what she gets out of excluding somebody she clearly considers beneath her!

inigomontoyahwillcox · 15/01/2022 17:16

@Bbq1

Maybe not warm and fuzzy but a pp upthread was celebrating the fact that her previous bully had been in a car crash and sustained brain. damage. That's a deeply horrible thing to be happy about.
I think you underestimate the damage a bully can do.
BigValue · 15/01/2022 17:20

I had 4 boy bullies. I haven’t bumped into them yet, but I imagine I will at some point. No forgiveness from me. I’d laugh if they dropped dead.

interferingma · 15/01/2022 17:23

Re the damage. My outwardly super successful daughter (the stuff I can cheerfully crow about to her principal bully when I encounter her across the counter at the butchers shop) also has an ED thanks to said bully. She corralled a huge number of girls agains my daughter. The school did nothing. Although DD began to blossom in sixth form the damage was done. At 23 and living hundreds of miles from this you g woman DD will likely never be free of her ED.
That's hard to forgive I'm afraid. Although DD is doing a better job of it than me to be fair. She is a star. And the bully is one of those social media 'be kind'/'ladies fix your crown kind of people.

ILoveHuskies · 15/01/2022 17:42

@ifherbumwereabungalow

The chief 'mean girl' at my school, who made my life pretty miserable for the last couple of years of senior school, showed up on a reality TV show making an absolute arse of herself. When I saw her in a clip they played on Gogglebox my stomach clenched up but then, joy of joys, all my favourite Goggleboxers absolutely ripped in to her and completely took the piss! At that moment I was able to let go of so much stuff I had been storing up for years. I realise this is not an option for most people but I was lucky enough to actually see, in a few short moments, that revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.
Omg that's brilliant 😂 I'd love to know who she is
ILoveHuskies · 15/01/2022 17:44

@interferingma

Re the damage. My outwardly super successful daughter (the stuff I can cheerfully crow about to her principal bully when I encounter her across the counter at the butchers shop) also has an ED thanks to said bully. She corralled a huge number of girls agains my daughter. The school did nothing. Although DD began to blossom in sixth form the damage was done. At 23 and living hundreds of miles from this you g woman DD will likely never be free of her ED. That's hard to forgive I'm afraid. Although DD is doing a better job of it than me to be fair. She is a star. And the bully is one of those social media 'be kind'/'ladies fix your crown kind of people.
Turning others against someone is so spiteful and nasty

I am so glad your daughter is doing well now, good for her

thinkingcapon · 15/01/2022 17:55

Yes! I interviewed her!!

Roselilly36 · 15/01/2022 18:00

Not me personally, but someone I know did, in a pub when she was with her husband, she totally froze. I felt so sad for her when she was telling me about it. It had had such an effect on her.

chipsarnie · 15/01/2022 18:03

Yes. About 7 years after we left school. I saw him leaving a local nightclub.

I broke his nose.

I'm not proud of it, but he made my life hell for 3 years. 35 years on I'd do it again. Fuck him.

Blitzthen · 15/01/2022 18:03

Seen a couple of them. One guy is very obviously a heroin addict.
One girl, massive, tall, ugly ginger thing(I love red hair btw!) saw me as she was coming out of a shop. She looked me up and down. She still looked the same. Had 4 kids hanging off her(I also have kids). Tried to add me on Facebook. I declined. Butch bitch!

chipsarnie · 15/01/2022 18:04

He's the only person I've ever hit, by the way.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/01/2022 18:40

@thinkingcapon

Yes! I interviewed her!!
Haha. Bet that was awkward, for her. Did you ask her if she had any examples of being supportive? Did she get the job?
DrSbaitso · 15/01/2022 18:58

@chipsarnie

Yes. About 7 years after we left school. I saw him leaving a local nightclub.

I broke his nose.

I'm not proud of it, but he made my life hell for 3 years. 35 years on I'd do it again. Fuck him.

No police action?
allfurcoatnoknickers · 15/01/2022 19:01

Everyone who was ever awful to me at school has had terrible things happen to them, so honestly, if I ran into them and had to interact I'd just give them a hug because they've suffered a lot.

DrSbaitso · 15/01/2022 19:03

Several posts using things like "ginger" or "coat checker" as insults while insisting they don't see these things as lesser.

Snuggledupforwinter · 15/01/2022 19:11

One work bully, who caused me to leave a job I loved, sent me a FB request/message about 10 years later - we still had mutual work friends. I deleted it as I have nothing to say to her.

One boy at primary was violent and kicked me a lot. When my mum complained to his mum about him (as the school did nothing), his DM said that she couldn't control him and his anger (age 5). I heard after I'd left home that he appeared in the local paper as he'd been sent to prison for glassing someone in a pub.

Another girl bullied me from about 10-16. Sadly our parents were friends so I never got away from her outside school either - until I'd finally had enough after years of bullying and I smacked her across the legs with a tennis racket. She gave me a very wide berth after that! I later found out that her parents had a very tumultuous marriage with many affairs and she was assaulted by her brother.
Her DF died recently after a long illness and I took my DM to his funeral and was surprised to see how small and insignificant the bully is. When I was a teenager it felt like she was a 6 feet tall demon! I bit the bullet and had a short chat with her at the wake - she still had so much bitterness and anger towards the world and just sounded like a deeply unhappy person.
Dont know that's karma though....