What on earth is happening?

[EngimaticDisappearance]

Things have started going missing around the home, to the extent I think I'm going mad.

Firstly, an item of make-up disappeared completely. It wasn't super expensive, nor desirable (just some primer). But I always kept it in the exact same place within my make-up bag. I have looked under the cupboards, under the sink, anywhere it could potentially be. Nada.

Then my daughter's wallet went missing. I'm giving this one a free pass at the moment because my children are rubbish at remembering where they've put things, and the playroom looks like it's been burgled.

Then my sewing kit disappeared. It's always kept in the same drawer in a bookshelf in the study. I VERY RARELY SEW.

Worst (or at least, if someone is taking stuff, most embarrassing of all), my vibrator has gone. Just... gone. I keep it in my bedside cupboard, as you do. I wouldn't take it anywhere. It's not like I give it an outing to the shops every few days. Husband swears it's not a practical joke.

So, who has access to my house? My husband. Very limited interest in either sewing, make-up or vibrators. Very unlikely to be DD6 or DD8. Neither has any interest in make-up (and if they did, primer wouldn't be the first port of call), and they just aren't going to take a vibrator... DD's tutor, who is never left alone and certainly never goes upstairs. Ditto a plumber who only came to the kitchen. We do have a cleaner, but come on, why would she take second-hand make up or - worse - a second hand sex toy?!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

confession time (I nearly name changed for this)

This can't possibly be your house because your kids are too young.

When I was a teenager (and that was a long time ago, before these things were easier to get hold of) I was giong through my mum's bedside cupboard looking for something. Now, this was in itself a massive No-no. My mum was hot on privacy and respect and I should not have been in there trying to pinch her make-up or whatever.

I foudn her vibrator. I knew what it was and was curious.
So I pinched it.
She never got it back.

If mn had existed she would probably have posted about its mysterious disappearance.

And because she was serious about privacy, she would never have searched my room for (wouldn't have occurred to her that I would have it either)

I hang my head in shame.

@YesitsBess

I'm waiting to see if any fabric goes missing. The loft-dweller may be fashioning fashioning outfit for the vibrator.

I thought my partner did not care one jot about skincare until he had to do lots of zoom meetings. He bought a ring light and has asked about my 'pore blur' primer.

In conclusion, the nutter in your loft is making voodoo vibrators and your husband has stolen your primer.

< twirls Poirot moustache >

Well, you see, I bought DH a load of fancy Clinique face stuff for Christmas and to be honest I'm not sure it's his bag. The eye cream has been thoughtlessly stowed with his back-up shaver. He is not a vain man (but his eyes could really do with some fine-line attention).

I checked the loft for nutters yesterday and only found loads of that yellow prickly stuff that my mum always said was fibreglass and would get into my skin and cause cancer. She thinks a lot of things cause cancer though. Including green cars. I fear I am going off topic.

Tl;dr My vibrator, my make up and my daughter's T-shirt are still missing. The cleaner comes tomorrow.

(Not that sort of "comes". Hopefully.)

I remember the fibreglass thing. Although I'm sure it was because of Grange Hill. Why do I think that?

Answers on a postcard.

I'm glad you don't have a loft nutter though.