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Original poster

What on earth is happening?

53 replies

EngimaticDisappearance · 13/01/2022 14:44

Things have started going missing around the home, to the extent I think I'm going mad.

Firstly, an item of make-up disappeared completely. It wasn't super expensive, nor desirable (just some primer). But I always kept it in the exact same place within my make-up bag. I have looked under the cupboards, under the sink, anywhere it could potentially be. Nada.

Then my daughter's wallet went missing. I'm giving this one a free pass at the moment because my children are rubbish at remembering where they've put things, and the playroom looks like it's been burgled.

Then my sewing kit disappeared. It's always kept in the same drawer in a bookshelf in the study. I VERY RARELY SEW.

Worst (or at least, if someone is taking stuff, most embarrassing of all), my vibrator has gone. Just... gone. I keep it in my bedside cupboard, as you do. I wouldn't take it anywhere. It's not like I give it an outing to the shops every few days. Husband swears it's not a practical joke.

So, who has access to my house? My husband. Very limited interest in either sewing, make-up or vibrators. Very unlikely to be DD6 or DD8. Neither has any interest in make-up (and if they did, primer wouldn't be the first port of call), and they just aren't going to take a vibrator... DD's tutor, who is never left alone and certainly never goes upstairs. Ditto a plumber who only came to the kitchen. We do have a cleaner, but come on, why would she take second-hand make up or - worse - a second hand sex toy?!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

OP posts:
steppemum · 13/01/2022 18:28

If it is the cleaner, it is not likely to be for money, but due to some sad need to collect momentoes.

But given your further updates, I think it is the cleaner.
As pp said, they haven't taken them on purpose and their view of them is different enough to yours that they don't recognise the description.

You will probably find them at some point, either stashed together or just in bewteen stuff, eg buried in the dressing up box, stuffed down the side of a bed etc

THisbackwithavengeance · 13/01/2022 18:45

Stand in the middle of each room. Say very firmly out loud that you would like your things back and you would be very grateful if whoever took them would put them back.

The things will turn up, I promise you.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 18:46

According to the Metropolitan Police, vibrators and other sex toys are often taken during burglaries.

Maybe it’s time for an App - Find my Vibrator.

Original poster
EngimaticDisappearance · 13/01/2022 19:01

I'm 100% sure it's not the children. I told them about some missing items this evening didn't mention the vibrator and they asked for descriptions and wanted to spend the evening turning the house upside down looking for the things.

I will sort the playroom next week, but I'm sure nothing, apart from possibly the wallet, will turn up.

OP posts:
steppemum · 13/01/2022 19:22

@steppemum

If it is the cleaner, it is not likely to be for money, but due to some sad need to collect momentoes.

But given your further updates, I think it is the cleaner.
As pp said, they haven't taken them on purpose and their view of them is different enough to yours that they don't recognise the description.

You will probably find them at some point, either stashed together or just in bewteen stuff, eg buried in the dressing up box, stuffed down the side of a bed etc

whoops just noticed a significant mistype.

I think it is the CHILDREN , not the cleaner Grin

SandAndSea · 13/01/2022 20:26

Do you have a cat flap? Could you have a local cat thief? (There's one near me who is known to take allsorts.)

Aderyn21 · 13/01/2022 21:06

My dd's favourite cuddly toy has disappeared - literally just vanished! It never leaves the house, I've had no one over and I've turned the place upside down looking for it.
There's another thread going on at the moment about glitches in the matrix - worth a read I think!

Original poster
EngimaticDisappearance · 13/01/2022 22:11

@SandAndSea

Do you have a cat flap? Could you have a local cat thief? (There's one near me who is known to take allsorts.)
We do have a cat flap! Our own cat has been known to steal paintbrushes.

But I have never yet met a cat who is able to open two doors, a cupboard and a zipped makeup bag.

I would quite like to meet a cat that can though.

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 13/01/2022 22:16

@SandAndSea

Do you have a cat flap? Could you have a local cat thief? (There's one near me who is known to take allsorts.)
😂😂😂 I've just imagined a cat with a vibrator in its mouth trying to get out through a cat flap
steppemum · 14/01/2022 11:19

@SandAndSea

Do you have a cat flap? Could you have a local cat thief? (There's one near me who is known to take allsorts.)
this really made me laugh out loud Grin
NoSquirrels · 14/01/2022 11:29

If you find out, can you let me know? Perhaps it’s where the main hoover part of my Dyson Animal has gone… that’s not a small thing to lose with limited places it can be!

Equally, other odd things go missing once in a while. Then sometimes they turn up exactly where you looked for them.

I might be mad, but I don’t think I am!

JaneJeffer · 14/01/2022 12:59

God is practicing for the rapture but he hasn't got the hang of whooshing people up yet. He's got a great collection of household paraphernalia though.

Original poster
EngimaticDisappearance · 14/01/2022 15:58

@JaneJeffer

God is practicing for the rapture but he hasn't got the hang of whooshing people up yet. He's got a great collection of household paraphernalia though.
... God has my vibrator?
OP posts:
Teapotdog · 14/01/2022 16:01

I can't believe this thread is over 24 hours old and no one has asked your attic set-up. Have I missed it? Anyway, someone might be living in your attic.

Linguini · 14/01/2022 16:08

Is this a riddle?

Linguini · 14/01/2022 16:10

Gollum would know.

JugglingJanuary · 14/01/2022 16:12

@Teapotdog

I can't believe this thread is over 24 hours old and no one has asked your attic set-up. Have I missed it? Anyway, someone might be living in your attic.
Yeah, but not known for stealing sewing kits & vibrators!!!

@EngimaticDisappearance

All very odd isn't it! Maybe ask your cleaner to keep an eye out for things you can't find. Often it's easier to spot them in someone else's house!

Original poster
EngimaticDisappearance · 14/01/2022 16:19

@Teapotdog

I can't believe this thread is over 24 hours old and no one has asked your attic set-up. Have I missed it? Anyway, someone might be living in your attic.
It seems unlikely, on a new build estate. Our loft isn't even boarded. But I will keep an open mind later, get a ladder and check my loft for intruders with a vibrator, a tube of primer, a Paddington Bear wallet (which may or may not have £10 inside) and a sewing kit.

I did consider asking my cleaner, but can't think of a way of asking her that doesn't sound like DID YOU STEAL MY VIBRATOR, YOU NUTTER?

OP posts:
REP22 · 14/01/2022 16:31

Maybe it's The Borrowers. Or a horny magpie. Though they'd probably struggle with the old joy-stick.

Worst case scenario for me would be if the vibrator turns up in the playroom in a Barbie dress with a face painted on it... Hmm

Geriatric1234 · 14/01/2022 16:58

I've listened to enough true crime to know you have a clear case of a person living in your loft who slipping out at night to swipe some luxuries. Sorry, but it's the only possible explanation.

2bazookas · 14/01/2022 17:27

Its one of the three adults who work in your house.

Your cleaner has most access.

PerseverancePays · 14/01/2022 18:40

Does your mum visit?

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2022 18:47

Well St Anthony worked for me we play animal crossing as a family on special occasions now my eldest is away my sons lost one of their copies so we wouldn't have all been there (in the virtual sense) prayed to st Anthony had the strange urge to move ds bed and found it nowhere near where it should have been!

Original poster
EngimaticDisappearance · 15/01/2022 15:49

OK - I have "topped to bottommed" the house today, bagged up old toys for the charity shop and the playroom is now tidy.

UPDATE!

I have found the sewing kit and the wallet. The sewing kit was entirely my fault. I had turfed everything out of the drawer it was in, as it's also the drawer that holds Christmas cards etc., and it had got covered by DH's rubbish manly important work as a result of working from home.

I have also found DD's wallet! It was in her bedroom on her bookshelf. I highly suspect I told her to tidy it away at some point, and she put it there.

HOWEVER, the make-up and the vibrator are still AWOL. And these are the two items that there's no feasible reason why they would move from the make-up case and the bedside cabinet respectively.

I feel less shit about it now DD's wallet has turned up, as I really couldn't bear the thought of someone taking my kids' things.

Now we just need to work out who has got my vibrator. And why.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 15/01/2022 16:30

I'm waiting to see if any fabric goes missing. The loft-dweller may be fashioning fashioning outfit for the vibrator.

I thought my partner did not care one jot about skincare until he had to do lots of zoom meetings. He bought a ring light and has asked about my 'pore blur' primer.

In conclusion, the nutter in your loft is making voodoo vibrators and your husband has stolen your primer.

< twirls Poirot moustache >